What do you do with the anger that is left?

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What do you do with the anger that is left?

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I had similar issues with my stepmother who died 2 years ago and now my dad. I went to a good therapist who helped me with a lot of my issues. My best therapy has been to write a “letter” to my step mother. In it say what ever I want, I cuss, I call names, I enlarge the font to a screaming size and scream. I k ow it sounds silly but it helps me. When I was in therapy I would then take the letter an read it during therapy and we would talk about it. I then put it away so no one sees it. Hope that helps.

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I LOVE this--I'll have to try it (although not because of my parents).

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Of course you are angry - you have been caring for a self centred and unpleasant person not only for the last ten years but for as long as you can remember. You do not have to feel guilty about being angry or for any other emotion you feel including hatred. You didn't ask for this and you have been made to live through it. BUT you are free now. You can try counselling - or I would personally try hypnotherapy from a properly qualified hypnotherapist, not an "I promise to make you feel wonderful" one. Or you can simply accept that this person has caused great problems in your life but you are not going to dwell on them or try and give them reason. You don't need to so you aren't going to. Every time you get a negative thought tell yourself it is not important and do something to take your mind off it. Book a holiday to do something you have always wanted to that would have been disapproved of, get a dog and enjoy walking and the freedom to do it - anything that YOU want and have wanted. She cannot hurt you anymore you have total permission to do exactly as you feel and want to.

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"Simply accept that this person has caused great problems in your life buy you are not going to dwell on them or try and give them reason" Wise advice! Thank you. I spend way to much energy fighting old memories that take me over and have me reliving the trauma. I think it's because there was so much gaslighting, the abuser telling me that didn't really happen or you are making to much of it. But, now I also see I am trying to figure out why they did it. I will focus on being free of "giving them reason". Thank you again.

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I am not one to hold anger or grudges as the only person it hurts is ME. The person that I would be angry at does not care.
This is more true in your case.
Your Mother was a narcissist and if you let her drive your anger still she wins again!
Don't think of the years that are past...think of all the things you can do now and not have to worry about ...
explaining yourself, defending yourself, running errands, denying your own needs mentally, physically and emotionally.
Take your life back and don't let her ruin what is left.

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the best answer so far. Thank you.

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I use scripture and prayer to help me unravel hard feelings. HE is the great healer!

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It is easy for people to advise you to let go of anger and then spill out a multitude of reasons why you must forgive. So, I'm sure you understand all the beneifts of forgiveness. How to forgive? Suggestions? 1. Use Self hypnosis or go and see hypnotherapist. In my view going over and over reviewing and detailing all the abuse only intensifies the problem. Go into your subconscious mind and reprogram your thinking about your Mom. It can be a very effective, gentle strategy. 2. Go to a therapist that uses Psych-K. It is a quick and effective way to change thoughts quickly and predominantly. You might want to go to Dr. Bruce Lipton's website and click on resources for more information

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Oh boy, that hits home! My mother has completely destroyed our family. She has never been warm and fuzzy and now that our father passed away, she has pitted all of us (children) against one another due to manipulative moves. It’s always been about her and continues to be. I fight guilt every single day that will never resolve even after she is gone. Years of psychotherapy has not made a dent.

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Don't give up on finding peace of mind!!!

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Good morning,
I too suffer from MS. All though my mom didn’t have the same problem as your mom. My mom suffered from a horrible case of Lewis body dementia. It made her very combative and hard to handle. In the end it was all on me and my husband bc my dad was in the hospital suffering from a major illness himself. The day she passed away I tried to give my best friend cpr to bring her back. She was gone. Anyway what I am trying to get at is this. You and I and everyone else who care for our loved ones with whatever illness they NEED to be taken care of too. You need to decompress. You probably would benefit from one on one therapy. That’s what I did for almost 21/2 years. I needed someone that could understand me and what I went through. Someone neutral.
It’s always nice to have a supportive family HOWEVER they can’t understand everything your feeling. You have other problems to tend to as well meaning you ms. So you can’t put the anger your feeling inward it’s not a good idea to do this too your body. Please consider trying to contact your doctor or you’re insurance company to find out how to get a therapist. It will be worth it. You need too get this anger out. If you keep suppressing it it’s only going to make you a mean and angry person. Believe me I know first hand.
Best of luck to you.

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Great answers here: I especially like the observation that we are all affected DIFFERENTLY by grief & stress. I grew up with parents who were great people in so many ways. But they were oppressively conventional about gender: being a single daughter between two brothers was NOT fun. Point is MY take on all this is 1. abide by the advice given to “let it go, and 2. fight for women’s right to full equality. We’re making slow progress and - FWIW -I love my brothers; it was never their fault. Don’t let the world’s unfairness eat at you. 😘

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It is Time NOW...To Move on and Focus on You. I have a Lot of Pent up "Anger" Myself with even Now a Family who Treats me as a Stranger and a Mom who Was bitter towards me in the end and I didn't even Know she was Dying...Take My Hand through this Long journey....

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Lots of good advice. One of the best things you can do for yourself is to accept and forgive the past and move on. Leave it behind. If need be, see a counselor to work through your anger. You may need time time, but hopefully you can begin to see the joy in life again. You have given her many years of your life. Don't give her one day more of your energy. It's time for you. Wishing you the best!

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I feel so sad for you and hope you find your peace of mind. Unresolved anger is like guilt. It eats away at you. Take care of yourself, whatever that means for you. And if you don't know how to get there? I agree with finding a counselor, they can work wonders if you're willing to do the work that is involved. Good luck to you! You are not alone.

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Thank you.

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I think anger is part of grief, or so I've read. We still grieve a parent, even when they are narcissistic, (Hell, we spend our whole lives grieving the absent parent bond). Your anger cud be from living life without that precious bond, how it affected everything for us, & now it's over, but no closure. I feel for you, & will tell you how I heal day-by-day: I accept God's sovereignty in my life, & His ability to give the love & security we missed out on. That's a gaping hole that no therapist can fill. Just sayin'😔.

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Thank you Tiger55. I'm not the OP but you reminded me of the fact that you grieve never having a parent. I know what phrase I'm still going to have to burn. The one time I ever remember my Mom saying I love you was when I took her to the doctor to refill her Xanax. She was hooked for 28 years. He pulled me into a side office and started questioning me like I was the one who was taking them. I broke down and sobbed and told him that Xanax was the one thing that made her bearable. She would take too many and sleep for 4 hours. Oh, and she would run out of them predictably at 5:00PM on Friday and her doctor's office was 90 miles away.

God bless him, he simply said 'It's okay.' When we got her refill there were 300 Xanax in two bottles the size of Gummy Vitamins. She cried and told me she loved me for talking the doctor into that many. It still hurts that it's the only I love you that I can ever remember. I'm letting that sucker go asap. Thanks xx

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Ten years? True narcissists make their victims lives hell for their entire lives. You wrote that you,"spent ten years making a narcissist happy." If your mother was abusive, which is the center of narcissist existence, then you were abused your entire life, let that be your motivation to break away from current toxic relationships.
Perhaps avoid using "could" or "should," since victims of abuse have their decision making capabilities stripped from them. As a survivor, I learned to never doubt my decisions, sine they were made during a different time, under a set of different circumstances. The word "should" caused anger, since should = not going to change. I "should have" or "could have" are the most dangerous, since the circumstances in your life were different during that "should have" or "could have" realm. To rid yourself of anger, understand that you were conned into thinking that the abuse was your fault, which helped distroy your ability to make basic decisions; since narcissistic abusive Asshats, scream at us no matter the decision we make. Evaluating results, concrete results of those decisions helps to negate the screaming for making the decision. Now that she is dead, you'll connect more dots in your memories and will understand why weird things happened. Anger fades, when you have abuse removed from your life. It takes time, focus on the future, and upon learning how to navigate life with M.S. Auto-immune incurables seem to occur within bodies of those who have been abused, by douchebags. Personally whilst in the midst of a narcissistic cesspool, I had a stroke. I'm exiting the anger phase, since now, their douchebaggery has finally faded, they were exercising their narcissistic manipulations while I was hospitalized, and continued through my move into an old farts home, I'm 48...old, yet still cognizant? My counseling degrees are filled with recommended resources found on Amazon: two books, collectively provided more insight than my M.S., and M.Ed. Counseling Psychology degrees (formal education): 1). Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft 2). Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward.

I'm guessing that -->you spent more than 10 years dealing with psychological abuse? Following other recommendations--> the idea of finding a counselor is excellent, More specifically a trauma counselor, or a counselor familiar with psychological abuse.

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Believe it or not, Screennamed, you made me, helped me, laugh out loud. I love your language. I tend to put things in very soft, I guess acceotable, ways. Some of your sentences I found myself saying, H---, yes! I don't want those memories of injustices to come flooding back. I just want to make the best of what's left. I have found a psychotherapist who I trust. And while my mother was alive I read Susan Forward, and I held onto every revised interview she did. But I almost think a narcissist takes away your ability to listen, because you're too busy responding, pleasing. I am listening now. Thank you for your answer. Maybe I can speak in a more direct manner going forward....thanks to you👒

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All I can tell you is go see a really good counselor. They may be able to help you. Hugs.

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Volunteer.

Give to others. Give your time, your expertise, your money. Help those who are less fortunate.

Move forward —-don’t trap yourself forever in your sadness from the past.

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I would think that the OP has given more than enough of herself already - she said that her late narcissistic mother robbed years of her life.

On the other hand volunteering can be beneficial. One year I had a huge row with my narc father and I was told not to come home for Christmas. Not wanting to sit home with a bottle of wine and turkey meal for one I volunteered with a charity that gives Christmas dinners to the homeless annually. I found it a very positive experience because I witnessed first hand that obnoxious aggressive behaviour is not acceptable. Anyone who behaved aggressively and upset everyone else was told to leave. I had grown up seeing my family tolerate aggressive behaviour from my narc father every Christmas. If he had attended that dinner he would have been thrown out.

OP take time for yourself, get massages, join a painting class, do whatever YOU want for a change. If you're up to it you might find T'ai Chi beneficial. It isn't like yoga and meditation where you have to stay still, with T'ai Chi you are moving but it is a very focused movement.

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Some ideas about the anger. 1) It never goes away. 2) It fades with time. 3) Psychodrama can help.

I took part in a psychodrama group years ago, and this is how it goes. You, the playwright, choose the characters from your problem, then nominate from your little drama group who plays them as actors. Perhaps just you and your mother, standing up in front of your little audience of the rest of the group. Then as you playing yourself, you say what you want to say to your mother – what you usually said, or alternatively what you never said while she was alive. You walk off the ‘stage’, and this speech is repeated by the person who plays you as an actor. You then play your mother. You answer as your mother, the way she would have dismissed it, yelled back, what ever you know she would have done. Then you walk off the stage and your mother’s player repeats the same lines you have just ‘written’, while you stand and watch. You then model how you want to reply, stand back and watch your player follow the lines you have given. Next you stand in for your mother again, and reply the way she would have done.

All this is quicker to do than to describe. You, the playwright, are providing the lines for your mother and for you. You can do it the way you actually did in the past, and you can do it again yelling your guts out and saying the things you wished you had said. Your mother can reply the way she usually did, or you can write the lines for her to break down and apologise for her bad behaviour. And you can watch it all, played to your script by actors playing the parts for you and your mother. If other people in your group get into it, they may want to ‘play it again Sam’ with their own suggestions for how to respond, and that can be useful too.

The recommendations are of course for an expensive session run by a professional, but you may be able to manage it with a group of intelligent friends (who may then want to go on with their own dramas to model – mine were about dealing with an employment situation). It can be very helpful: first you can say all the things you never said (and it is amazing how real it becomes – yes you feel that you are talking to your mother), and second you can watch your players acting out your live dramas, while from outside you can form a different take on it. It is also quite good fun to play around with this.

If you are left with anger that you have never been able to deal with, see if you can find a way to go through the sequence I have just described. Standing up and saying it all is a real help. The most dramatic example I was involved in as an actor (complex family), turned out to be a problem with a parent who was dead! My own ‘drama’ was to model how to handle a living situation, but it works for the past as well.

And if all that seems like rubbish, go back to 1) It never goes away and 2) It fades with time.

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I am sorry for your loss. Some how you need to find a way to get that anger out of your system. Your mom took so many years from you already, you don't want her to take what is left and she can just by you holding on to that anger. Emotions have energy! Positive or negative depending on the emotion. Research has shown links between negative feelings and bad physical health. Postive people seem to have less physical illnesses. More research is being done. (AMJ) You just need to find your way of getting it out, write, workout, therapy, work around the house or yard. Whatever fits for you. There is a book I read that helped me called "Let it go" by David Hawkins. I must warn you the second half is a little out there but the technique works.

Again sorry for your loss.
Hugs!!

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Thanks so much. I will find Let It Go on amazon and look through it. Thank you for the heads up about the second half. Most of my positive energy remained silent while she was alive. Like most narcissists (I have learned!), she did not want to hear about someone else's happiness. I am taking baby steps to allow myself to smile when I feel like smiling. Anger is a gift to her, and I have given enough. I hope you know how helpful your words are. Hugs 😊

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Dear keepingup,

I'm so sorry, I know hard it is to be the primary caregiver to a parent that doesn't appreciate you.

The anger is real. I think we all secretly hope that our parents would express some love, acknowledgement and validation for our efforts. So many daughters give their time, their efforts, their money even to help their parents. Its hard not to relive that all even with their passing.

Please know you are not alone. There are many people who understand. And if you want maybe consider going to grief counselling or joining a support group in the community.

I can't tell you how many times I visited this forum for support and encouragement after my father passed.

I hope you will allow yourself to feel whatever you want and know its only natural and normal after such a long journey with a parent.

Thinking of you.

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Thank you, cdnreader. I think the anger wells up whenever self pity does, i. e. could have, should have. And I am learning from people like you that there are too many blessings NOW to let those feelings steal time left. Your kindness gives the journey a "night light." Be well yourself. Hugs

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Forgive her for yourself.

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Dear Shad250:Nope, nope, telling someone to "forgive" generically, even with noble intentions, kicks victims in the head as their abusers loved to do. Here's what I'm guessing you perhaps intended to write by posting "forgive."

Dear traumatized --to forgive means to not give the abuser any of your thoughts, forgive = to not give them anymore energy or anything.
Forgive by not giving them attention inside your head, their behavior will be held accountable somewhere somehow, yet, your goal is to feel better, so mentally or verbally, tell the narcissist to f**k off.

Forgive or notgive--forgiving or notgiving your mother, is accomplished by kicking her out of your head. Perhaps by saying, aloud (outloud),"Not today b*tch." So everyone thinks you're insane,, as you laugh at yourself, like the confident psychopath she was. I prefer to say, loudly "not today b*tch," repeatedly so anyone near me starts to dial emergency services 911 here in the states....just kidding...I would guess that repeating "Not today" followed by (Silence of the Lambs quote)"it rubs the lotion on the skin" collectively might be a humorous approach for anyone still being abused by a narcissist. I'm laughing, as I'm writing this, blurred by tears of laughter. Amusing myself, is how I'm forgiving/not-giving, today.

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I’m so sorry. I don’t think this is a ‘one size fits all answer.’ It’s so personal. We have all had pain in our lives.

I can tell you that grief is different for everyone. Sometimes it is grieving for what we didn’t have. I went to therapy for this at one point and my therapist explained that withholding grief as I did hurt me. I lost a brother that I had a love/hate relationship with.

My mom is 93 and living with us. Like most relationships, we have had ups and downs. More ups than downs. I would never describe her as a narcissist.

In therapy I discovered I bottled up feelings inside and thought I was functioning just fine, and for awhile I was but the therapist said grief is very complex. It comes in waves. There will be triggers and some waves will knock us down. I’ve lost a lot of people in my life. Some tragically.

I wish the very best life has to offer for you in your upcoming days. You will now have the opportunity to build new memories. Feel anger, yes it’s normal, but please don’t get stuck in bitterness or anger. Don’t self abuse. Forgiveness is powerful. Not as much for the other person but for yourself in order to let it go.

If you can go to a grief support group or individual therapy if you don’t feel like sharing. Like I said before, it’s so personal. There is no right or wrong with these types of things.

Take care and many, many hugs.

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Thanks so much. This is the second post that shall be a permanent fixture in my fridge. My neurologist is a wonderful person to talk with, but I have decided after reading through this thread that a therapist is probably a good idea. Anger is so ugly to me, but I guess it has to go somewhere once it pops up. Life's too short to give it much time or space though! Good health to both you and your mother. Hugs to you as well😊

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I'm so sorry for your chronic condition. MS is a devastating disease.

"I spent ten years making a narcissist happy." I understand the feeling. Except my narc was never happy, never satisfied. I sacrificed childhood and the best years of my adult life trying to appease her. I was duped.....and it doesn't feel good. The negative feelings don't always pass with the parent or the parent's loss of cognition.

Mom is still with us. She has dementia and mostly cannot help what she says or does any more. But I still find myself angry at times for losses that can never be "put right." Loss of innocence. Loss of self, time, and peace of mind. Ruined chances. Ruined relationships. Decades of anxiety and depression.

At times, self-loathing nearly ate me alive. I played right into her hand. As a kid and young adult, I was her enabler, believing everything she said, because moms never lie, right? (sarc). As a child, I couldn't help it. As an adult, I should have got a clue.

Keepingup, don't let your mom rob you from the grave. Whatever time you have stretches out before you. Live it. Resolve to be happy, free from toxic feelings. A life well-lived may be your compensation. (((Hugs)))

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Can’t dance, wonderful wonderful post!!! Thank you!

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Man, that's tough. It's good that you recognize that now you can devote time to you and your own happiness. A narcissist can suck the life out of you. That's for sure. Try to be gentle with yourself and applaud your strength.

I just started in a local support group. There are a lot of people dealing with family dysfunction. I'm not sure how it's going to turn out, but, I'm optimistic. You might check one out in your area. Everyone got to talk, vent, share and laugh. At least it lets you know that you are not alone.

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Thank you for your words. I am doing just that. This site is a wonderful support, too. Hugs to you.

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Anger is part of the healing. Get it out, I have found a nerf bat and a pillow really get rid of the pent up emotions and don't cause damage or a mess.

Use the bat and tell the pillow everything you could never say with each and every wack, let it out and let it go. Do this as often and as much as you need to, it will help you feel better.

Hugs, it is time for you now. Don't give her any more of you then you already have. It's over with her, make this about healing you.

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Good ideas, I just go take a shower & bawl my eyes out!!!

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Have you done a mind map? If you Google "mind map anger" you'll see lots of examples - all sorts of different approaches and applications.

If your anger is still unexpressed, two things: one, you can't see clearly what you're angry about and two, it will be doing you a power of no good. That's why I suggest spending time on a visual, artistic expression of how you're feeling; so that you can drag out and literally see what's eating you up.

What does your MS specialist say? Have you mentioned this? - you should.

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You have posted before and always have wonderful ideas. I shall Google " mind map" tomorrow. My neurologist is a wonderful woman who spent time in her career at the VA, so she knows all about it. Photography seems to be my therapy of choice, mostly because it doesn't require mobility☺, and photographs have a way of showing your anger or sometimes surprising you with a smile. I hope you are doing as well as you help me to feel. Lots of hugs.

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Don't hang on to it! Give it to God!
Just pray... God I cannot handle this anger I give it to you!
Have faith He will take it from you!
Blessings
hgnhgn

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He?? God/Alah/Dios/Grand Pubah might be a She or transgendered...or might prefer to be referenced as a universal, they.

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What do you do with the anger that is left?

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