My 87-year-old mother-in-law was diagnosed with dementia and moved into a residential facility 6 months ago. She has refused to sleep in her bed because it would mean that she plans to stay there. Whenever family members visit she becomes upset and demands to be taken home. She believes her husband is waiting at home for her although she divorced him several months ago.
We decided to sell her condo and use the proceeds to pay for her care. We initially decided not to tell her that we were selling the condo because we thought it would "kill her" if she knew it had been sold. However, we are frustrated by her refusal to accept her new living arrangements after 6 months. We are also finding that her abusive behavior means that no one in the family wants to visit her anymore.
Would telling her the truth about the condo make her to stop demanding to be taken home? Or would it just give her something else to be angry about?
Why not 'type' a letter to your MIL from your ex(FIL) asking her to be patient and make herself at HOME in the place she is at, until he can get there an visit. Add something 'creative' like the fact that he is away on business, and perhaps (if he is still alive) why not have HIM call her and ask her how she is doing.
This may seem deceitful, but it really isn't. She is not living in the same reality as 'we' are anymore, and her reality is very different now.
I still think family should visit, and bring things for her to do, or take her 'outside' or play 'bingo with her and try to get her involved in the activities at the facility.
How does the doctor/nursing staff say she is doing? If they are well versed in caring for dementia patients, they should be working with you on trying to get her acclimated.
How well is your family versed in Dementia issues and behaviors? There are many great books that can help you learn how to talk to individual with dementia. "Learning to Speak Alzheimer's: A Groundbreaking Approach for Everyone Dealing with the Disease by Joanne Koenig Coste and Robert Butler" will get you and your family a good head-start in dealing with the challenges you will face.
Please take the time to make her feel comfortable in her new surroundings. God Bless.
Only if you feel comfortable doing so, back off for a brief spell, then go see her. Do that a few times and see what happens, whether she is worse, or starting to re-direct her focus to things in the nursing home.
Does she have enough things she can enjoy during the day? Ask the staff whether she does the same with them and what they tell her when she asks.
We understand her anger since it was not her decision to move into the facility. We tried for months to convince her to either get a LifeAlert, let someone stay with her, or move into assisted living, but she refused. Her fourth fall left her on the floor all night, unable to reach the telephone, and barely conscious when my brother-in-law arrived the next morning. It resulted in a week-long hospital stay, a month in rehab, a failed attempt at assisted living, another week in the hospital and finally the memory care unit. My husband described it as waiting for a train wreck to happen and being unable to stop it.
We appreciate your suggested "answers". We tried similar distractions a few months ago and encouraged her to get involved with the group activities. After some initial success, she reverted back to her old behaviors. She is determined that she is going home and spends most of her time sitting in her room waiting for someone to come pick her up.
We live 400 miles away and have been trying to visit monthly. However, the last visit ended with her being verbally abusive to my husband and he did not visit her again before we returned home. We appreciate all the suggestions we've received and we will keep trying to find some way to reach out to her while she still remembers who we are.
See All Answers