This may be a sensitive subject but I need to ask. The caregivers on these forums - of which I am one - are able to vent and find possible solutions to the problems of caregiving but what happens after the family member passes on. Do you finally get your life back and find some peace? I am sure that most of us would say this has been worth it but I would love to hear from the folks that have gone thru this and come out the other end. Do you still come to the forum?
I feel like I am starting a new life and deciding exactly what is it I want to do.
Pat
It helps me to remember that whenever I'm feeling lost and like I don't know where I'm going or what the point is... In retrospect, when I think back on my biggest challenges, I really did learn a lot and set off in new and good directions that I never imagined at the time.
Right now, I'm just scared there won't be a new direction, then I think back and say... or course there will. I just don't know what it is yet.
I hope we all find something really good and look back on this transition as another of life's mysterious blessings.
My son gave me a Christmas card that on the front it says 'A Trap for Santa Claus' and there is an old fashioned picture of a family surrounding and hugging Santa all with smiles. Inside, there was nothing printed except the words my son wrote. 'Thank you, Your love and support is all I need.'
My other son, wrote a card that said, 'You shine and reflect your inner beauty to everyone. You have been the number one supported of my life and dreams and I would not be where I am today without you. Yes, I take things too seriously and yes, I quote you, back to you, too many times without giving credit. It's because I love you...
My heart is warmed. My boys have reminded me that what ever I do, I have impacted the people around me and so I need to pull myself together, put a smile on my face and share the best of me that I can muster, because I'm impacting people all the time... when I least expect it.
Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and very happy, healthy and wonderful New Year!
I keep making long-range plans as to what I will do when Mom passes. I need to take time off and relax. I hope the money, health and resources will be there so I can at least take 2 or 3 months to get my act straight, but I also need something to DO during that time rather than quit "cold turkey"
I clicked on this site and straight away knew that, while it may not have been what I was looking for, it was most certainly what I needed (!!), and even though I had to be up at 5.00am the next morning for work, I spent the entire night reading and empathizing with the questions and answers here.
Alot of what is posted I can't comment on, as I live in the UK, but I try to help where I can - even just giving someone a hug, and letting them know you care. We may be continents apart, but our emotional experiences are the same.
I have had counselling in the past (for multiple miscarriages and still-births, and the death of my elder sister), so I understand that I am going through the grieving process right now. What is great about this site is that, little by little I am opening up and sharing, and this is a great place to do it ! I haven't found anything like this in the UK (though maybe it exists).
I hope that my experiences will help other site users from time to time, and thank you all for your non-judgmental acceptance of me !
I wish you all a Happy Christmas-time and a peaceful new year.
With love and kind thoughts, Tess
I keep remembering things. It comes and goes. As she used to say, it's up and down. It just happens. When I was cleaning my parents house out, I threw 50 bottles of liquor down the drain. No one was drinking it for many years. After that, my son thought I was drunk and I really was.... giggling. Reminded me that I should giggle more.
Today I had the chance to spend the whole day with my son. No worries about work, because I gave that up two years ago. I am grieving and I am relieved. I was happy to hear others feel that way and it is OK to feel relieved.
Now I keep thinking I would like to feel the self esteem of my executive role, but honestly... I would not be able to spend the whole day with my son when he happens to be off of work, if I had a big job again. So the quandary for me is... do I try, really, really hard to go back to a full time job? Do I start something part time, where I have to constantly look for new customers? Do I just give up and have fun, although not spending a penny doing that?
So many questions, so many possibilities. I did try to stop coming to this site, so that I could try to be more cheerful, but I am pulled back, to offer advice if I can be helpful to someone, or to discover good resources or suggestions... because I clearly do not have the answers.
What I do know is that if I should live as long as my mom and dad, I have about 25 to 30 years and I would like it to be meaningful, productive, useful. I would like to be sure that I spend this time making absolutely sure that I am not a burden on my kids, but that I am also very much actively in their lives. I have no idea how to do that, but I know it's important.
One last thing, others have mentioned here. I find I do not have the energy that I had when I started care-taking. Is it because I'm older, or because I am un-well, or because I'm just out of shape and need to get moving. I do try to move, but love to indulge in a bit of chocolate...
Memories of my parents at this holiday time are mostly good. My brother's theory is to live in the present and focus on the future. Really be here, right now. So, I'm signing off and heading out to hug my son.
Happy Holidays everyone!!
I went back to school n earned my bacheor's degree in Sociology. Now, I am trying to use that knowledge while taking care 24/7 for my mil who has moderate dementia. However, sometimes it a hands-on-learning situation. Plus, thank the Lord for JAM coming up with this site for support. There r grieving counseling at hospitals n the hospice to help you. Just remember that, everyone is different n their is no-fit-all to your answer for we all r different n unique. Their r others on here that have already crossed that bridge, n they still come on here for either support for themselves or to help give some support n tips. If you feel like coming back on here for what ever reason then please feel free to do so. I hope everyone here is able to have a Blessed Christmas n don't be so hard on yourself for we all r human.
At times I looked forward to the time my husband and I could be alone and have the house to ourselves after she lived with us for about 11 years.
I miss her, we were very close even though I got tired and frustrated at times.
The past three weeks I have been in a fog and lost. There is alot to do to clean out her room, clothes and papers. Alot of calls to be made and business to deal with.
I see her everywhere in the house. Some of her clothes show up in the laundry and it makes me sad.
I am glad she is isn't suffering but the way she died was horrible and I will never forget how she looked in the ER and died 4 hours later.
So many people have checked on us especially at church worrying about how we are. Mom seemed to be very well liked and cared about.
My goal is to get back into the things I want to do like piano Mom always liked to hear me practice, lose weight, finish projects at home to get organized and volunteer.
We had a new grandbaby born on Nov 28 and Mom died Dec 2 so it is bittersweet.
All I can say is take each day as it comes, feel what your feeling and if you can help someone else do it.
There is a huge void and I haven't quite learned how to relax since our lives were so centered around Mom's schedule, needs, Dr appts and so on.
I can now just leave my house and not have to worry if Mom is ok, how she feels and it is different having to relearn or undo what I did for over a year.
Take some time to rest and relax.
Grieve and cry when you need to. Remember the good times and hold on to those who are still here.
I hope you will find some peace.
It has only been three weeks for us and it is still hard.
Take care of yourself.
Remember your not alone.
No longer frustrated2012
I can't listen to Christmas music, not yet - I do love music, mostly classical. So I have been listening constantly to that. It helps, it keeps the "what if's" at bay. I started grieving the loss of him the day he had the stroke and I thought it would get easier once he was at peace. Wrong! Once you recover from the exhaustion it hits you again, hard. So, as you can see, I am still struggling. And yes, I am still reading this board on the daily basis, and part of me wishes I still could take care of him. But that is a very selfish wish on my part. He was such a brilliant mind and deep down he knew and felt what he had lost - his eyes and that sad little smile told me more then he could have done if he would have been able to speak.
As others have said, each person is individual, grieving is a long road, but in the end the sweet memories of the one you loved will replace the pain. As for getting your life back, I am still working on it.