What have I done now?
Dad has been in a secure dementia for about 5 months, very clinical and basic .he arrived from hospital and was aggressive after an operation.
He has settled and they are starting to get the meds right.
He is about middle stage. Not too aware of things.
So I spot at a home that is really beautiful has come up. Gardens a dog ,lots of lovely activities etc , his own private room and sunshine.
So we have a discussion and my brother and mum are concerned that it will set him backwards .
So I have reasons to believe that it may , but I think the good benefits out way what may happen , as he was coming from a hospital where he was terrified.
I suggested a day visit to the new home with dad , noooo that was not liked.
Any way mum stormed out and my brother had a go at me and I lost it.
The truth is he is worried for mum as she can't cope with the change and dad getting violent again maybe ?
I was even thinking of what mum wanted sorry !
We were discussing dad, now I feel dreadful that I diddnt look at mums feelings etc.
I have bipolar and can be very spontaneous without thinking .
Any advice or help
12 Answers
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Mum is regularly not happy with small things , so I thought she make like the change.
At the end of the day , where there is the best nursing care is more important .
I don't think moving dad is good if it really throws him out
I have written to my brother explaining I still prefer the new one for practical reasons , but I give mum my support and blessing for what she chooses
CaptainChrissie, well done for the gracious way you wrote to your brother. It's definitely crucial that you, your brother and your mother work together on this, whatever happens.
It's also definitely true that change is usually very unsettling for people with dementia. They don't handle it well. There would be bound to be a setback, at least in the short term.
But. Whether or not it's worth moving him to another care home depends on a number of different factors. The three of you need to do a pros and cons sheet and see if it helps you decide.
The pros might include: nicer environment, with more stimulation, a better quality of life. But how is the quality of care at the "super home" you spotted? Are the staff really experienced and skilled in specialist dementia care? Are they better, more caring, kinder, nicer people than those at the place he's currently in?
Pro-move points might also include some of your mother's concerns about his current place. Are they serious, significant worries, or minor hitches? More importantly, if she's asked for things to be put right, have they been attended to?
Anti-move would be, of course, the immediate disruption to your father's routine. The unfamiliar faces, different furniture, different view (nicer is good, but different can be frightening - he'll feel lost) will upset him, no question. How quickly he settles in will depend on both the skill of the care-giving staff and what stage he's at with his dementia.
There is another question that you probably won't be able to answer, but need to think about. How long, realistically, is your father likely to remain aware of his environment? If things are looking bleak already, it's difficult: it depends on whether the care he's receiving is actually so poor that it's detrimental to his state of mind, or whether it's simply a case of the disease progressing. Very hard to tell; but something you need to consider.
Don't do it alone! Your brother and mother do want the best for your father too; and maybe you did get a bit carried away before; but that doesn't mean you shouldn't feel free to suggest ideas and research options. Pick a time to talk things through when they're not already stressed, and good luck with it. Please update xxx
You are all so wonderful .
I agree with others, leave him where he is since it sounds he is finally adjusting. Any sort of change is very difficult for them. A new place would start the process of adjustment all over again.
From your description it sound as if the other place you found is a small residential home? Sometimes these facilities are not appropriate the more advanced the disease becomes. Ok short story. One of my caregiver friends found a residential home for her mom-in-law. They were very excited about placing her there, the cost was less than a large facility, a smaller group home environment, caregivers that are suitably trained, the list goes on.
The home only kept her for 5 days, she upset the other residents because she was going into other's rooms rummaging trying to find her things. There was no way that caregivers were able to distract her from this activity that was upsetting the dynamics of the household. So, she was moved to another similar situation that did not work out. They are on the third home and looking like this one might finally work. But that could also change tomorrow.
The adjustment isn't only hard on dad, but family members, other residents, and staff as they try to get to know him and understand his needs which is extremely difficult with those with dementia. If it appears everyone is adjusting, best to leave it be.