My brother in law is dying of pancreatic cancer - only diagnosed last month. He has been like a brother - my sis & him divorced but have stayed close . I haven't seen him since my cancer fight five yrs ago - He only has a matter of days -what do I say to him & how do I say goodbye?
1. At one point, when my dad was unconscious, I said to him, you did everything you were supposed to, we're proud of you, you can go whenever you want. Later that night, he went into a coma and died the next day. I like to think he was waiting to hear that affirmation and felt OK leaving after that.
2. Apparently hearing is the last sense to go. So don't whisper around the person, talk about them to others in the room. Just try and be as "normal" as possible, if that is possible. :)
Sending healing thoughts to everyone dealing with loss/impending loss during the holiday season.
The last couple of days he seemed agitated at times. The night before he passed I called the Hospice RN. She stopped by the house to check on him. She and I then sat on the patio and she talked and calmed me. We both knew the end would arrive soon. She encouraged me to sit with my Stepdad and ask if he was worried about anything, upset, etc. I guess that’s what he needed.
The conversation was uncomfortable but necessary for him I suppose. Centered around my Mom, her Dementia. That he wanted me to keep her at home until the money ran out then to do what I had to do.
He relaxed drifted off to sleep and passed away in his sleep a few hours later.
I had a BIL that was like a brother to me also. We never had a big “last” heart to heart. It would have been a big boo-hop session on both our parts I am afraid.
When my stepmom went into hospice (also cancer), upon my arrival she couldn't speak much, but she immediately commanded me to "Sing!" We always sang and harmonized together when I was younger; she even taught me my first chords on the guitar. So that's what I did, for 8 days, until she was gone. Held her hand and cried and sang her every song I knew. I'm crying now, remembering it. I even wrote a song about it, almost a year later, which I still can't sing without crying!
My point isn't that you have to sing, but you may find yourself able to take your cues from him when you get there.
But if it's at all reassuring, I don't think you can get this *wrong*. Being there is all you need to do. Anything you're inspired to say (listen first) will be a bonus.
The Marie Curie organisation explains that the person dying often feels that he has to be the "strong one" in a conversation, because he won't want to see you distressed. Letting him know that it's okay for him to relax and be truthful about what he feels could be a great relief to him.
So yes, touch the person. Speak only of love and forgiveness if you need to. I told my FIL as he was dying, that maybe he'd get to "fly over" Spain--(once country he didn't get to visit) on his way to heaven. Who's to say he didn't?
All great answers shared here.
What gives me hope is in God's Holy word from the bible. Jesus claimed victory over death. The good news is hope in everlasting life.
My apologies if this offends anyone, you obviously do not have to take any advice from little old me.
May God bless you and comfort you and your family I this time. Say what's on your heart.
I don't say goodbye, I say I will see you soon on the other side. My Grampop said he was going to hold up a big welcome sign.
John 4:13-15
13 Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, 14 but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”
15 The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water so that I won’t get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water.”
Revelation 21:3-5New
3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4 ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
5 He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”
The simplest way to do this is by holding his/her left hand with your right hand. Silently focus on your breath and BE present in that moment. Do this as long as you can. No words are needed. Just allow BEING. He/she will receive your heart's connection, feel true energetic support and thus is able relax within.
This true connection is the most important offering you can make to a soul at this time in order for the person to move through this transition without fear and with grace. And this small action is so simple to do.
You love him
You are here
All is forgiven
These are your favorite memories
It's okay to let go
Everything is taken care of
Everyone will be fine
Hold his hand and talk
John 3:16 (or his faith of choice-or not)
YOU ARE LOVED
I'm sorry
I forgive you
Thank you
I love you
I'll take care of __ for you // or // We'll be okay even though we'll miss you.
All major faiths have beliefs in the afterlife. Even non-theists glimpse the afterlife in Near-Death Experiences. So it doesn't matter what kind of religion, or lack of one, your BIL adheres to.
Consider asking him to visit you in a dream, so he can tell you about the afterlife!
Please don’t be afraid to touch him...in my experience of working with Hospice patients over the years I’ve seen time and time again friends and loved ones feeling unsure of what to do when visiting with a dying individual.
Touch is important in this life and it can be so comforting to someone who may be frightened or feel alone in their journey toward the end of their life.
A simple hand on a shoulder or a gentle arm rub can make all the difference in calming and allowing your loved one to feel a connection.
Certainly make sure where you decide to touch is free from pain as you’d not want to cause any further discomfort.
Bless you for having such a caring heart.
I told both my parents that I understood they had to go and that I would see them again when my time came.
And I think I would phrase it a little differently, like "Mom, I'm so glad you and Dad raised us to be independent adults, able to function well on our own."