2020 has been the worst year of my life. Towards the end of Feb my father, who is 79 years old had a stroke. My step mom has been sick for a long time with symptoms of Parkinsons. Now I’ve been with them forever and I graduated college in 2018, and have been struggling to find a good job ever since. I’ve been working dead end jobs and have barely been able to handle bills on top of trying to save. My parents, mainly my father, never wanted me to worry about anything so regardless of my attempts to help out, I’ve been left in the dark about certain things such as medical history, important documents needed for emergencies, there was absolutely no plan in motion to prepare me for what happened to our family. Overnight I went from trying to better myself to doing that ON TOP of now trying to run a household by myself. My dad has recovered almost fully which is a miracle, God is so amazing. However there are still problems that remain. My step mom’s family helps out a great deal while I’m at work, but there has been tension with their decision making and the well-being of me and my father. Trying to find him adequate care while I’m away has been my main issue. Now he’s pretty much independent but has some memory/cognitive issues. My biggest fear is me not being there one day and something tragic happens. If I wasn’t home that night in February, idk what could’ve happened. Now I’m forever traumatized by the thought of going out of town or leaving their side. I’ve tried everything, we cant afford out of pocket care, so I applied for medicaid for him, but the enrollment period was over. And like I said we don't have much family who would care to help, so everything has fallen on me and quite frankly my depression has gotten worse and worse. I’m at a dead end and don't know what to do, on top of my step mom’s family who are probably in the process of doing something that could potentially put me and my father in an even worse situation. Idk how much longer I can keep this up and with no way to get away to escape just to breathe for a little while, I honestly have no desire to even face the next day. I’ve tried every outside source I can think of and I’m still so lost. I need help!
heres some suggestions:
- you need to be dads DPOA & MPOA. There will be an AoA = Area on Aging for your region & staffed. They should have documents for free for this that meet states legal requirements. Get them & find a UPS store with a notary to get them notarized. Or if your bank does notary work, have it done there (some banks don’t do notary). This way it gives you ability to make decisions should need be. Ask at AoA if your state requires POAs to be filed at the courthouse. Some southern states (like MS) do.
- I’d try to do this with your stepmom too. Would she be ok on this? It sounds like she has kids from a prior marriage. If they are apt to be all “she’s our mom not yours” crap, I’d press hard for there to be a dual DPOA & MPOA for her with you as your live with them 24/7 and share poa with whichever kid is the least crazy & lives in state. If they won’t go along with this, go hard asz & hound them on fulfillment on everything “mom” like picking up RX, doctors appts, doing her laundry.
- AOA needs to become your resource. They should know just what programs are available. The “enrollment period was over”, doesn’t sound right to me. I’m guessing application was filed to something getting ACA funding; and yes those have enrollment periods (Medicare has this too, they are usually Nov/Dec). But in-home health programs are based on becoming “at need” for services. Like that fall and hospitalization or ER run afterwards caused a change in his health status so he became freshly “at need” & could apply for a program. There’s a ton of Medicaid programs..... everything from loaning of pumps for new moms to paying for LTC in a NH. Often if it’s a younger person trying to thread thru this, caseworkers skew info to programs for younger crowd. They don’t realize that dad is actually more a grandpas age. Try to find a staffer at AoA office to be your ally and resource person. AoA are part of a regional Council of Government and it’s your tax $ at work.
Also
- open a bank account that has you & dad as signatures on it only and it is POD (pay on death) to you. I’m guessing that they have a single acct that gets his & her SS $ and whatever else monthly income. I’d leave that account remain this way, & it is used to pay all house bills. You - btw - should NOT be paying any property related bills. Then each month like 10-15% of dads income is automatically taken from his SS and put into the account you & dad share. Bank can do this (& also have you added as a signature onto all thier joint accounts..... they still are the owners of those accounts but your a signatory so can do things if need be). Then that you & dad acct, it’s your emergency fund. Having it there with $1,234 will help u sleep better.
so what’s backstory with her kids??
Is it her kids or their spouses that’s the buttrash?
If you choose to sacrifice your life for your parents who could live at least another decade and perhaps more, it will be very difficult for you to move into a world of career and family. This sacrifice will no earn you Sainthood; it will, in fact be a choice.
If you require help in sorting this through I recommend a licensed Social Worker who deals with questions of life changes. It is time for you to move on, and you need support in doing so.
Wishing you good luck. This has to be very hard. But do remember that ultimately the path you work out for yourself now is your choice. It is not a healthy thing for one so young to sacrifice themselves to their parents. That is not how it works. Parents choose to have children, and should sacrifice to care for and raise them. That raising is to make them independent to move on with their own lives. Get help.