I’ve read posts of many caregivers being burned out and wanting to get out of their situation. I see a lot of encouragement, do’s and don’ts, but what I haven’t read is a way for the caregiver to really Get Completely Out !!!!
I have been a caregiver for 3 years now. No help. I can’t go anywhere, not even to the store, which only takes me 20 minutes there and back unless I find someone to sit with my mom. By the way, she’s coherent and can get out of bed, but refuses to do so. She handles her business, but is petrified of being alone because she REFUSES to get up out of the bed.
I am totally burned out and I do not want to care for her anymore.
How and who do I turn to to relieve me?
She doesn’t want to go to a facility, she doesn’t want anyone in her house.
I am trapped!!
Any suggestions?
Meanwhile, you have been given 41 comments from forum users who care, and not one peep from you in response.
You are enmeshed in a sick co-dependent relationship and you know it. You also know you can't do this break-up alone.
We haven't heard back from you. We all have some ??
MOM is 58 or YOU are? either way, the relationship is twisted.
Mom is UNABLE to get out of bed or UNWILLING? 2 entirely different scenarios.
FINANCIALLY--are you dependent on her or vice versa?
I don't see a way you can 'part time' leave her. I did elder care, and the most I could work in a week was 32 hours. That isn't much. And all my clients were living with family. It was still grueling for them, tho I know I took a lot of the stress off of them--eventually, all my clients went into FT care.
You need to sit down and comb through your options. If YOU are 58, you only have a few years to work for retirement benefits. What are you living on now? Putting mom in a home isn't the 'easy' way out, it's fraught with drama and emotional upset. If mom cannot handle you leaving the house, she's going to lose it when you move away or move her. And you are probably going to have to work.
If mom can be 'rehabbed' into being a fairly independent person, that would be best, but something tells me that's unlikely.
What do YOU want to do? What are YOUR dreams and aspirations? Does mom even care?
This whole post reminds me of that Paul Simon song "There Must be 50 Ways to leave your lover (mother)".
Even if mom is 74, you could easily have 20 more years of CG. I'm sure that fact hasn't passed you by.
Please come back and clarify some things. We're all kind of waiting for that.
Bring in someone and introduce as a "friend" for a couple of hours a day (example: Visiting Angels). Then let the visiting time get longer. Soon they will be "friends" and then she will have confidence in that person then that person will become the caregiver.
Does she get out of bed to go to the toilet or do you have to change her?
She needs to be checked over for dementia and overall health. TOUGH if she doesn't want anyone in the house. Tell her that if she were capable of getting out of bed and looking after herself she wouldn't need a check-up. You have had 3 years of doing things you don't want to do so visits from healthcare professionals to assess your mother's health won't kill her.
Once she is medically assessed you can make plans to get out. Make sure you have enough money to do this and that once you get out you can get a job.
A social worker or therapist might help YOU deal with this, but YOU have to be willing to do it. In the long run it’s no harder than being WILLING to deal with current problems indefinitely.
If you thinking of facility and it takes time, then you must regardless of Mom‘s dislike get some relief and start going out and planning your life. Plan A and B, what would be ideal vs what would be realistic to make it better for you.
Do you have another place to go? Is it furnished? Do not expect your "friends" to house you permanently or even long term temporarily.
Do you have a job or savings that allows you to live without depending upon your Mom for anything?
If you don't have the above, then start the preparations to be financially independent of your Mom.
Assuming that you are financially independent of your Mom, what day-to-day kinds of things do you do for your Mom? Do you clean? Do you cook? Do you take care of her bills? Do you open her mail and review it before you give her the "actionable" items? Do you drive her to appointments? Do you keep her calendar? If so, then start looking at alternative ways to accomplish these tasks for instance, Meals on Wheels, bus service, care giving agency, cameras in the house, etc.
Since she is coherent, she will have an idea that something is going on. If she asks, be honest and say that "you are preparing for the time when you will not be able to help her". For illnesses, cite "having a heart attack", "having a stroke", "going to the hospital", etc. If she seems concerned, ask her for suggestions on who could help her if you were seriously ill. It is up to you whether you want to follow up on her suggestions or not. Come up with a plan for every little part of her life that you do for her.
Research what it will take to put her on Medicaid if you think her finances are shaky.
Then when you you have everything lined up, and all the potential problems covered then you can choose a day and leave. Whether you tell her in advance or how much in advance is up to you.
Even if you don't leave, having that resource list and a backup emergency plan will help your mental health.
It is a lot of work. However, it appears that your Mom is incapable of doing that kind of long range planning. Hence you need to do it for her if you want to get out of your current situation.
A thought just flew through my head....Could your Mom be dealing with a major bout of depression or going through a hormone change? I suggest that you find a therapist (maybe through her primary care doctor) and have her diagnosed. Maybe her neediness will wane a little, at least while you get your resource list together.
You and she are enmeshed in each other's lives emotionally and physically (since you live together). Call her primary care physician and report that she is confining herself to bed. Make an appointment for her to see the physician. If she refuses to do so in person, ask if a telehealth appointment is possible. A prescription for anti-anxiety/anti-depression meds may be offered to her. Then it will be necessary to set up mental health care (social worker, psychologist, or psychiatrist---btw, of these providers only the psychiatrist can prescribe meds--but even her primary care doctor prescribes, then the other types of providers can help with "talk therapy"). If she refuses this, then you may have to call 911 for emergency treatment for her mental health at a hospital.
This will be the most difficult thing you have ever done in your life thus far. You need to save yourself, though. She will likely rant and rail against any actions you take. But know that you are taking steps to care for both yourself and her.
Good luck, stay strong.
Mental health assessment clearly needed. Mother needs much more than a caregiver. And could continue like this for 40 years.
Close with: So how do you want to do this? Get up and start moving or get in the car so we can take tours of nursing homes. I'm not willing to lay in the bed all day like you and cut myself off totally from the outside world.
I would ask the dr for home-health to start coming and get her exercising and moving. Don't take no for an answer from mom or the dr. Mom needs the strength training and other people in the home.
. You might also consider going to your local Dept. of Aging for some help, but for them you should have some more specific info about your mom.
Do you or did you work? What kind of financial resources do you have? How do you get things like groceries? cleaning supplies, etc?
Are there any other family members or friends that you can work with to assist? What are financial resources for your mom? What business does she handle?
You might consider coumseling for yourself to help you deal with all this.
1. Explain that you cannot and will not continue to care for her 24/7, but will give her a choice as to what she wants to do.
2. Choices: (a) You give her a schedule as to when she can count on you. She can either be alone with some connective device (e.g. cell phone, Ring camera, monitor, Amazon Show or Echo (with a drop in feature), or have other helpers. (b) She can move to a "warehouse for the elderly" where she will more than likely be lonely and neglected.
3. Give her 1 week to contemplate this and make a decision. She can change from one to the other if it doesn't work out.
4. Hold your line. Love involves boundaries. It would not be good for your mother if you "departed" before she did -- though that happens to many caregivers. It is not good for your health if you are feeling stressed and burdened.
"I go where I love and where I am loved, into the snow; I go to the things I love with no thought of duty or pity." - H.D.
You may be dealing with cognitive decline. The panic when you leave is a hint, as is choosing to do nothing for herself. My mother stopped feeding herself in care. I told her to feed herself, at which point she did. She claimed nobody told her she should. Clearly a broken brain. With zero empathy left.
Look.
She refuses to get up out of the bed.
But how about...
You refuse to stay trapped in the house. There is the door. Open it. Step outside.
The point being:
Your mother makes decisions for your mother.
You make decisions for you.
You are not responsible for finding the support she needs. She is. So you tell her enough is enough, and ask her what she plans to do when (not if) you return to your normal life. Note this point carefully: it is not for you to suggest the options - in home caregivers, assisted living, whatever. It is for her to understand that your support is coming to an end and SHE needs to think what SHE wants to do next.
Either you need to give into her wishes to not have anyone in the house/go to a facility or you need to get paid help/find a facility for her. I personally would start with having paid care in her house as it will get her accustomed to have people helping her. If her care level increases, she can move to a facility.
Good luck, it isn't easy to make these types of decisions but it is worth it.
Well, she should be SAFE in her bed. I'd quietly leave for a few hours each day without telling her and go do whatever I needed to do. If she were to get up while you are gone and takes a tumble, how is that any different from her taking a tumble while you are outside doing yard work or even in another part of the house?
I'd be getting the heck out of there every day. You say she is coherent. If she has a phone with her for an emergency, you should be able to leave the house.
You can call them or you can deliver your mom to the ER and let them know that she has no caretaking help available and she has mental issues that require assistance. If all else fails, record her behavior and call 911 to do a welfare check with intent to get her placed.
Pack your suitcase before you leave home and head to the airport after you drop her off. Start making plans as to where you would like to live. You can FaceTime her wherever you land.
Really? I read posters who patiently detail the steps for overburdened enslaved caregivers to get out of their situations.
Unfortunately, most people who come here for help can't/won't do what is necessary to change their lives. Once in a while, a poster WILL make the necessary changes, and we cheer them on as they take the necessary steps to change their lives for the better.