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I know someone who I think may be near this point. This person is very private and I'm not sure what I should do. I just spoke with them on the phone and I'm just worried sick. My heart is breaking and I just don't know what to think or what to do.
Cwillie, they are good questions. I would like to ask them of him, but, I think he may not be ready to answer them aloud.
I am close, but, not a family member. This is long time friend who shared some portions of his medical situation with me in confidence. So, I have not been able to discuss this with our other mutual friends. IF they knew, they'd be there for him. They love him, like I do. But, he doesn't want that. He's only in his late 50's! He does live with a family member (not spouse) and has other family members coming in to check on him daily and to administer his pain meds. He's not eating much and is very weak, loss of balance and sounded like on oxygen and very medicated. I begged to him to let me come over and do things, run errands, cook, clean, but, he refused. (I think they actually already have a housekeeper.)
I would like to ask more about what he's expecting in the near future, but, I'm afraid if I do, he may stop taking my calls. I think he still thinks there's hope. And, maybe there is, but, he says he stopped treatments. He hasn't left the house in months. There is a doctor in his immediate family, so, I'm pretty sure Hospice would be involved, if my friend would agree to it. But, he hasn't mentioned it and I didn't ask. His kidney surgery was almost a year ago this month.
I encountered this with the older generation, an attitude that illness is somehow disgraceful and secret. It is a shame because often there is so much support available if they would only accept it, but I don't no how to get around it unless you all just go as a group and "have an intervention", since s/he is already cutting you all off it can't make things any worse.
I suppose that it is an option. I was just wondering if I even have time to do anything at this point. I've looked at what symptoms there are near the end, but, not sure how long they last. I'm just not sure how long he can go on this way. I don't want to add any pressure.
He has 2 kidneys. His other kidney is still functioning. Is this the case? If he had a nephrectomy (removal of that cancerous kidney) then his other kidney will sustain him if his other kidney isn’t affected.
Are you sure you are privy to all that is going on with him? Perhaps he just wants to be left alone for awhile.
Don’t add anymore “pressure “ as it appears he wants this to be private and he has that right.
But I am still thinking that the other kidney should still be functioning. In my experience as a nurse that is usually what happens. Plus some people are born with one kidney and are fine the rest of their lives.
Defer to his wishes. If he needs help in the future it’s nice to know he has some support willing to card for him. But if it’s privacy he wants, then stop pushing.
I appreciate all of your comments. I did send him a nice card explaining my desire to help and how much he meant to me. Sadly, what I suspected was right. I received a call from his brother last night that he had passed away. Thank goodness, he did get the card in time.
It's really surreal. What a lovely man. Besides my immediate family, the best man I've ever known. He was ALWAYS there for me. The obituary made it clear that his family was by his side and that Hospice was involved.
There are no words really. He is the closest adult friend that I have ever lost, so it's such a strange feeling. I think I'm too sad to attend the service, but, I'm going to try to go. Our other mutual friends are going. I called them last night.
Just when I think I can't hate cancer any more....I do.
Thank you. Yes, cancer is horrific. It has robbed this world of an angel. This man was not only an angel to me, but, many other people. He was a joy and one of my very best and oldest friends. You can't replace someone like that...ever.I take solace in my belief that I will see him again one day.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/an-end-of-life-conversation-led-by-gawandes-questions-205721.htm
I am close, but, not a family member. This is long time friend who shared some portions of his medical situation with me in confidence. So, I have not been able to discuss this with our other mutual friends. IF they knew, they'd be there for him. They love him, like I do. But, he doesn't want that. He's only in his late 50's! He does live with a family member (not spouse) and has other family members coming in to check on him daily and to administer his pain meds. He's not eating much and is very weak, loss of balance and sounded like on oxygen and very medicated. I begged to him to let me come over and do things, run errands, cook, clean, but, he refused. (I think they actually already have a housekeeper.)
I would like to ask more about what he's expecting in the near future, but, I'm afraid if I do, he may stop taking my calls. I think he still thinks there's hope. And, maybe there is, but, he says he stopped treatments. He hasn't left the house in months. There is a doctor in his immediate family, so, I'm pretty sure Hospice would be involved, if my friend would agree to it. But, he hasn't mentioned it and I didn't ask. His kidney surgery was almost a year ago this month.
Are you sure you are privy to all that is going on with him? Perhaps he just wants to be left alone for awhile.
Don’t add anymore “pressure “ as it appears he wants this to be private and he has that right.
But I am still thinking that the other kidney should still be functioning. In my experience as a nurse that is usually what happens. Plus some people are born with one kidney and are fine the rest of their lives.
Defer to his wishes. If he needs help in the future it’s nice to know he has some support willing to card for him. But if it’s privacy he wants, then stop pushing.
It's really surreal. What a lovely man. Besides my immediate family, the best man I've ever known. He was ALWAYS there for me. The obituary made it clear that his family was by his side and that Hospice was involved.
There are no words really. He is the closest adult friend that I have ever lost, so it's such a strange feeling. I think I'm too sad to attend the service, but, I'm going to try to go. Our other mutual friends are going. I called them last night.
Just when I think I can't hate cancer any more....I do.