What is the best response when a husband with dementia threatens divorce?

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What is the best response when a husband with dementia threatens divorce?

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His anger usually only lasts one day because maybe he realizes the absurdity and he apologizes, but what is the best response in the moment to the situation? Ignore the untrue accusations and his feelings of anger and betrayal? Stand up to him? Deny everything that is untrue? Laugh at the absurdity? I know reasoning doesn’t work well, but some of it does sink in later.

Of course some of this depends on the person and the degree of memory loss. Mine has vascular dementia, and he has a lot of mental capacity still to remember things that happened earlier in the week, but not what the weather is like or things that happened 5 years ago. It seems like random memory loss.

What response have you found that works?

Alzheimer's & Dementia Spouse Vascular Dementia

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I did it successfully! Twice!

Yesterday and today he threatened divorce. I told him I’d call the attorney for him. That works yesterday. Today, it didn’t work. So, I asked him who would care for him. He went through options (so sad to listen to because there aren’t any good ones). Then came to the conclusion that he would have to die, and with moist eyes asked me what he should do. So sad. So I told him I would love to continue helping, but I needed free time every day to go out. He was ok with that. Then, we went out to the car together.

His dementia has progressed a lot in the last 3 weeks, so I don’t know if he’ll remember our “compromise.” But, it worked. Sigh.

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Response:
"Give me the name of your attorney and I will take care of it".

Or,

"Don't you remember?" We are already divorced!"

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It happens all the time with dementia patients but there is no arguing about it with them because it is like banging your head against a wall - it seems most will say this but be aware he may start accusing you of infidelity, stealing money etc but it is the disease & don't take it personally

Just say something like 'well maybe next week as I don't have time to do that this week' & leave it at that as he'll forget soon enough - if you do a mild agreement first then a postponing phrase you won't set up an argument issue

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Been thru this with 2 people.....it is a up and down thing.....Main thing is not to argue.....it works better.....if you can cry......Found out when you argue back and forth......the brain needs awhile to catch up.....well that is the way with us....Took my son's grandma to a school concert...Came out she said he played baseball good.....she remembered over 10 yrs ago my son did play baseball.....But we kept telling her no not baseball he played the clarinet over and over.......Finally it was dropped. A few weeks later....she mentioned the concert and remembered...him playing the clarinet....... I was laughing inside.....thinking WOW how long does it take the brain to catch up....Heehee..... So i have been a special ed free-teachers aide......teachers would yell.....at 1st i was going NUTS.....after a week had the kids eating out of my hand. Only a few times...it was really bad.....I would let them have their melt downs......when it was over.....i would say are you done.....with a Smile.....then we calmly discussed......what needs to be done to not have a melt down......Talk to me.....so we can fix the problem.

To me in this state of mined.....they are out of it.....try not to argue with them....and could say well who would take care of you. The 2 people lasted
each 7 yrs like this. Soo sad to see the brain act like this......discuss with your
doctor.....there is medicine out there to control this....it is an anxiety medicine. Calms the person down. My dad just passed away......We had to give it to him
when he was getting out of control on his thinking.....We found out he was
considered Hospice which medicare paid for a nurse and nurses aid to come
in and check up on him......Had a choice of the hospital-nursing home-or home....he picked and we picked for him to come home.....they set up a bed for
him....was getting weak....we had to feed him. When my dad said something mean.....he then apologized....we mainly told him once.....not yelling....figured if he did not get it.....he was not going to get it......It was no use.

Hope this helps.......do not let him get to you.....do not get stressed out.....remember you both got married for a reason.....Better or Worse-
you are in the worse Phase....Talk to the doctor....to give him something to
calm down. Will be alot peaceful....... Save your money.....on getting the divorce.

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I have said this before but it all depends on the individuals involved. Do you realize the horrors or living with someone who has dementia? The up's and down's in personality? The repeating? The idiocy of the situations that come up? The abuse? The frustration? And the list goes on. I had two horrible situations involving people with dementia and to this day, it makes me absolutely sick. Trust me - if you are involved with someone with dementia, run as fast as you can. It will only get worse and depending on your ability to handle what goes on, it could eventually destroy you and your life. If that is what you want, fine, stay around. If not, run? I went through hell because of these two incidents and I will never, ever allow myself to be in that situation ever again - never.

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I too have the same issues. My hubby of 29 years has a long history of failed relationships and "man is in charge" attitude. He has progressing dementia caused by 10+ years living with PD. The cognitive decline is now going on 3 years. I have had to become the only adult in charge of our lives, finances, and futures. I am is main caretaker. He frequently accuses me of stepping out when I go to the grocery store or have a 3 hour respite movie and coffee with a girlfriend. He has asked for a divorce thousands of times. I just redirect and wait for it to blow over. I say, "ok, I'll get an attorney and we will work on splitting everything. This will take about a month or two. Your son will need to step up and take you in and be responsible for your care and finances. Let's have some ice cream right now." Then he ponders on that for a few hours, takes a nap, and forgets. Other days he tells me that he is glad he is married to me. Other days he thinks I'm just another caregiver. Some days he thinks I'm against him and some days, for him. Just part of the brain not working properly. I'm thankful he is not violent, just paranoid. I have a support group, see a therapist, and give myself a break by working and socializing. It is very difficult and exhausting, but we need to take care of ourselves or we can't take care of our loved one.

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Lots of good answers here. There is one that hasn't been suggested, though, and in my opinion, well worth a try. I don't know what your faith system is, but have you considered praying about it, both on your own and with him? You might respond by saying, "Honey, do you really think we should get divorced? I love you and believe that you love me. I don't want a divorce. Let's pray about it." Then if he will le you, take his hands in yours and pray something like this: "Heavenly Father, thank You for giving me this wonderful man as my husband and life partner. You have blessed our marriage all these years and I am asking You to bless us now. Please give us wisdom to know what to do and help us to honor You with our decision. In Jesus' name we ask. Amen." Keep it very short, simple and to the point.
I believe God will bless you.

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Try saying - "Then who is going to take care of you? Yourself?" His mind won't be able to adjust to that question. End of discussion .... hopefully.

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Oh wow, JuliaRose! Your situation brings up a lot of memories with my FIL. He would ask me to do ridiculous things, such as push him out to my car in a computer chair w a rocky sidewalk, bc he didn't want anyone seeing him in a wheelchair. I FINALLY yelled, "NO" & walked out of his apartment & didn't go back until he apologized. He missed his doctors appt, went without meals, everything. My husband is quite meek, but he called & let him have it. Big blowup, but too much abuse.That's when another caregiver was introduced. Then, he would beg me to stay when I would come over. I had to have distance from him, he was tearing me apart.

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Call his bluff. Tell him you hear he wants to divorce you. Fine. Tell him he must then handle every legal aspect of it from beginning to end and YOU will end up with everything under the sun he has or will have. Scare him. Make him think he won. But when he calms down, he will realize how ridiculous the entire situation is. He has dementia so most likely nothing is going to sink in. And what I would do is probably really let him have it and tell him off and then walk away and shut the door behind you. Let him rant and rave. Get into his head you will not tolerate abuse from or a temper in any form whatsoever. And stick to it. For that matter, never, ever allow anyone to yell at you or be abusive or nasty to you. Do whatever is necessary to tell them off or stop, etc. and walk away and if possible, walk away and never look back - in other words get away from them -0 permanently for your own well-being.

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Just diffuse it with something like..."why don't we discuss that later tonight. Lets have a coffee (tea or whatever) right now". Or just leave the room and close the door so he can't get to you. Let him spew and then hopefully settle down.

Once I read a response from a wife when her husband with ALz threatened to kill her said "ok, but let's have lunch first"...then he forgot.
I'm so sorry - it must be sad to have him say this to you.

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Agree with him. He won't remember . Don t prolong the issue and act indifferent

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He actually will remember. That’s what makes it difficult.

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JuliaRose; Hello !! When my Aunt 1st came here to live with us from 1500 miles away she had told her neighbors that she had no family....because her and my father were astranged for many years but we still talked 1x per week and sometimes more often we wrote numerous letters but she still told her neighbors that she had no family...any how my Aunt used to insult and critize my Father time and time again she was so Mean !! Finally 1 day I said " Aunt Barb ! Be nice if your brother were never here I would not be here and I am takeing care of you! ", I said "whatever happened between you and your brother is over he was a GOOD FATHER he taught me right from wrong and morals my dad always provided for us as a family and I do not like to hear you belittle my Father!!" SO the next time she started to say something negative SHE STOPPED HERSELF and said "well I better not say that she doesnt like it when I talk that way "! And my aunt is diagnosed with VASCULAR DEMENTIA / ALZHEIMER'S!! SO I totally understand and beleive he will remember if you say it when hes in a clear moment!! Good luck to you!!

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Thanks, everyone! He’s not easy to redirect I think because of the differences between VD and Alz. And, although reasoning won’t work in the moment, by the next day it usually sinks in and he realizes he must’ve been off with his thinking, misinterpting the environment or a memory of an ex. I think this will likely happen more in the coming years as it progresses.

Him: What were you doing out after midnight?!
Me: I went to the grocery store at 4 in the afternoon
Him: Suuuurrrre you did. I won’t put up with adultery!

Funny afterwards, but his hurt is real. And it hurts me, too.

I think the best plan is to state my defense and then remove myself from his immediate surroundings. He will be offended by me excusing myself, but I can reiterate that I would never do what he’s accusing me of, and I am in this marriage for the long run, and since we disagree about the events, I think it’s best if we are not in each other’s company for now.

Oh my! The things we put up with!

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Since he does remember his behavior/words later and apologizes, at least sometimes, how about talking it over with him in those moments. I appreciate your apology and reasonably I know it isn't you, you aren't in control of your anger and what you are saying at these moments but it is hard for me emotionally and I just don't know how to react. What do you think I should say or do when you get tp the point where you get so angry with me and are asking me for a divorce? Maybe he will have some intuition about what might help one or both of you, maybe he will say play along me we both know I will come out of it or maybe he will say laugh at how ridiculous that is and try to redirect me or maybe he will say remove yourself. Talk over the various ideas here and from articles or doctors about the best way to handle these episodes and even if he doesn't have a real answer or choice in which way to handle it maybe just having the conversation, making him a part of it will help you keep things in perspective next time your in the middle of it.

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Lymie, that’s a great idea! Thank you. Yes, the next day, he broke the tension by chuckling that I had laughed at his accusations the previous evening. Then, we had a heart to heart talk. I suggested that if I’m out, and he’s discombobulated the aide can remind him of where he is, where I went and when I’ll be back. But the aide has to correctly interpret the situation. That’s what I’ll be working on with them from now on.

If (when) it happens again, we will see how it goes, and afterwards I will ask my hubby to suggest other ways for handling it.

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First, I'm sorry for the hard time. This is stressful.
I've found that distraction is the best. If you know anything about his favorite sport pick up the paper and point to an article and mention something. The TV. Try to find a program that he might like. What you're trying to do here is change the subject. If he's memory isn't good, he'll forget what he was talking about.
If you can busy yourself with folding laundry, would he help?
He may not do this if you have company. Try and have a friend stop by. The biggest thing is distraction.

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Staying calm and redirecting his thoughts/conversations to another topic. This works often. My mother has both vascular and Lewy body dementia.

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By the way on a very serious note here.
Some types of dementia can cause a person to become violent. If this ever happens..even just 1 time you need to consider placement for him.
A very dear friend of mine was seriously hurt by her husband and to this day has physical problems. The proverbial straw that broke the camels back was when she woke up when he had his hand around her neck and a knife in the other hand. She realized then that this could not continue but it was a while before she could get her children to accept the fact that their dad was doing these things.
I always said I would keep my Husband at home as long as it was safe for him and safe for me. This meant any kind of safe. Physical safety was just 1 aspect.

Ok, off my soap box for now.
Just be safe, think about who will care for him if you are injured or worse...and who will care for you..

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Thanks, Grandma. No, he’s never been physically violent. He’s lost a lot of muscle strength and control, so I’m not worried about that.

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Well, no rational answere is going to work, obviously! BUT improving dementia might! Please try reading: The Coconut Oil And Low Carb Solution to Alzheimer’s, Dementia. It was written by a doctor whose husband suffers from early onset Alzheimer’s and he achieved major success, as apparently have many others. It works for all forms of dementia. Seems to be easy and effective- worth a try as a way to feed starving brain cells.

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There are times when my mom with VD gets mad at my dad...sometimes over things that happened 60 years ago. She calls me and tells me he was a horrible husband but she kept that from me. When she gets into these loops, I ask her if she wants me to arrange for a divorce or to put her in AL by herself away from dad. If she says yes, I say ok, will start the process, but she then forgets. Other times she does not respond and it stops her in her tracks because she is terrified of being alone. It is a pain in the A... to deal with, but it usually blows over in a day or two. And sometimes my dad admits he did something worth her anger. Can't blame him; living with her for 70 years requires the patience of a saint.

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JuliaRose - you say your husband doesn't remember things from the distant past, like 5 years ago, but remembers things within the week.

Perhaps, you can tell him that you and he already got divorced several years ago. And now you're just here to take care of him out of compassion. Will that work? You can print an "official divorce decree" form off the internet which you can fill in your name and his to show him and pass it off as the real thing. Hopefully, this phase will pass and he will stop asking eventually.

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Do you need a ride to the courthouse?

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They usually aren’t as easy to redirect as these answers suggest. Frontal lobe and VD are similar and I’ve found (with a mom tho) I have to heartbroken agree. Withdraw and when I come back whatever that big deal was is over. It is so individual to a persons personality, I know that may not work for a husband. But it seems like they’re wanting the war, not the actual divorce.
does anyone help with him? Maybe take a few days away? Or even a respite week? If this got really bad there’s no redirecting that will work. Time is all that helps. I will be following to see what you learn. ((Hugs))

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Say....
Then lets sit down and talk about this.
Get out a pen and paper and sit down together and start going through all the things you have done and use this opportunity to "divide" memories.
You can start by...I remember when we met...and write down your thoughts about that. He may respond by saying I remember...my first car, first job....and write down his thoughts.
This is also a good way to possibly pull memories that you were not even aware of.

Next time he mentions this you can "divide" the items in the room..get him to name things in the room he "wants".

Some of this you can say...Ok, lets talk about it after lunch, or dinner...
You can laugh about it.
Sometimes you can say...oh, let me think about this and leave the room for a moment.
There were times when my Husband was doing things I would try to distract him from doing and once I just broke out into a laugh..a real belly laugh and for some reason that stopped him in his tracks and he just started laughing as well. And funny thing was that was the first time I had heard him really laugh in quite a while. His mood changed for quite a while. So I would sometimes just laugh for no reason and it did the same thing. (maybe laughter is the best medicine)

But please, I hope this does not hurt your feelings or that you take this seriously even a little. Yes it might hurt for a second but I am sure you know deep down he does not mean what he is saying.

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Thanks for the questions and for these answers. They help me prepare for what is probably coming. He has one time accused me of infidelity, then realized right away how ridiculous that was. But as the decline continues, these will be good tools to have in my coping kit. I do know for certain that if I use the “thought you said intercourse” line, that would (at this point) deflect anything. But then I’d also have to deliver! LOL

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Yes, therein lies the rub, 😆

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It's impossible to stay mad for long at someone who doggedly remains loving and considerate. Respond with 'I'm sorry' (you feel that way). Then get out of his way.

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Funny responses here. Yeah, just let him talk and when you've heard enough leave the area and go do something else. It's hard, but don't take the bait to engage in that topic. Zip it, roll, your eyes and go eat some ice cream or bake some goodies.

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Is he capable of being left alone for short periods? If he still has the capacity to know what he is saying I would tell him (gently) that you are not going to argue and leaving for a bit to let him calm down.
You could go for a ride around the block, take a short walk, or even just go outside for awhile.

What is the best response when a husband with dementia threatens divorce?

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