I’m not sure how insulting a question this is and I’m not sure how to ask it.
My best friend is 38 and he has injured both legs in the last couple of weeks by falling through his deck (two separate incidents). We were talking and he is pissed off because he has to ask people for help, he hates doing it and both of us were talking about how when a temporary (hopefully) mobility issue occurs, you really dial it back and reduce your life to clean clothes, food, clean you and tolerable living conditions.
I injured a leg a couple of years ago and am still only at 80%. I asked my friends for minimal help and had a list ready when they showed up. “I may be pointing and grunting, but consider everything thing I say to start with please and thank you.” I didn’t hate to do it, but I like to think I more than reciprocate. I also knew if I couldn’t do something, I’d have to pay for it to be done.
My question is my 82 year old mother. What is the potential thought process that makes her no longer have the desire to be self sufficient and/or independent? What happens as we get older where we stop “hating” having to inconvenience people?
Mom worked from age 19-63. There was time off to raise a couple of kids (that’s what women did back then).
BUT, from the time I was 4 ish and she was back to working full time, she hired out as much as she could. We had a house cleaner once a week. She paid someone to do the ironing. She did cook supper, clean up from supper and wash clothes, so I’m not saying she was a pampered princess.
I’m in my 50s. I’ve reached the point where if I don’t want to do something or don’t have time to do something, I know I have to pay to have it done. I love having my groceries delivered, but that is a special treat.
But I also hate the fact that I no can no longer drive. I have to do a lot of advance planning to accomplish basic shopping, haircuts, a needed trip to the post-office, getting clothes to the cleaners of even the GoodWill, visit to my attorney, my doctor, the bank etc.
I'm not as quick-thinking as I used to be and if I move at what seems a normal speed for me, the body doesn't always co-operate. Sometimes I fall. Falls didn't used to bother me, but that was because it was easy to get up and keep going. Now it's difficult to get up and I risk breaking a hip like other elderly people I know.
Actually, life is a lot more convenient these days with the internet and credit cards. But I didn't grow up with internet. It's an ever changing world online and I'm not very skilled at handling it. Oh, I used to have pretty good control of things...but nowadays not even my bladder cooperates (now, that's embarrassing). Nor do my arthritic hands that used to easily sew on a button or fasten a necklace behind my neck.
I used to have friends with whom I could commiserate. We would laugh about our difficulties, swap tips for getting things done. But most of them are gone now, dead before I was ready to say goodbye. And I miss them.
Sorry if this sounds like a sob story. I know young people have children, homes to care for and multiple tasks at work... many social obligations, too. Been there, done that.
I hate asking for help, busy as they are, but I just sometime see my life falling away in little pieces and there's not much I can do about it.
I try to express how grateful I am for any help someone can give. It's often a sacrifice for others, but I hope they never feel unappreciated!
This is what my parents did for me as well.
We are all individuals and we are as unique as our own fingerprints.
Good luck out to you.
My mother was the most considerate person on the planet, and then she wasn't. In turned out that she'd had a stroke that had taken out most of her executive function and planning ability. So she just kept asking us/telling us to do things. But we had jobs!
She also mis-understood EVERYTHING her doctors said to her.
So maybe this isn't manipulation
Maybe she isn't reasoning/understanding stuff.
I think you'd need to consult a medical person, perhaps a psychologist or psychiatrist focusing on aging, to address a declining or loss of self sufficiency.
There's also the blunt and perhaps frightening recognition that age has or is compromising us and we do need to seek help. Or someone could just be tired and worn out from the challenge of aging.
As to "hating to inconvenience people", I think that could be more than just inconvenience, but rather, arises from a survival concept.
Is this new behavior? If so she could be depressed. She could have pain that she isn't telling you about. She could possibly have a UTI. She could have some new diagnosis that needs to be explored including dementia or even something else physical.
If it's not new, you may need to explore when the behavior really started. Without too much detail, we've dealt with this with my FIL for a long time due to a personality disorder. He has long believed that he was owed many things. He has been waited on hand and foot by a number of enablers but for most of his life he didn't have pain that went along with it so he still did for himself. As he aged, a number of comorbidities piled up and began to cause him pain and one thing he cannot tolerate in the slightest is pain of any kind (that is not meant to sound insensitive, he can't tolerate so much as a stubbed toe without a trip to the ER, he just doesn't do pain at all) So when doctors, nurses and physical therapists advised movement to alleviate pain and maintain mobility and independence he shut that down and did the opposite and insisted that he be waited on and unfortunately he was in a situation to be obliged. He was warned that this would eventually lead to him losing his mobility entirely and I believe he thought that when he was ready to get back up he just.....would? Now...well it's no longer a matter of won't.. it is a matter of can't.
So that's the long answer. I think for some people, if there are no underlying reasons why they have shut down, they honestly don't think there will be any repercussions to stopping until they can't get back up...they spend all of that time not doing anything thinking that when they decide to get back up and do they will just pop right back up where they left off and go right back to how they were. And part of it is a little bit of denial maybe. And part of it is that it isn't as easy, so it's just easier to NOT do it? But it is better if they can to keep doing anything they can as long as they can. Because once they stop, it's very difficult to get it back and takes twice as much effort.
She may not be ABLE to even figure out how to accomplish tasks on her own, or with others’ help.
As her child, she may still, though, be able to know that you are a helpful person who can get things done.
It’s EXTREMELY frustrating to those around the elder. I’m sorry.
As for mom, it sounds like she's ready for Assisted Living; she's lived a long life and probably deserves to be assisted each day and not expected to perform duties/chores. Perhaps you can take her to visit some Assisted Living sites to see if she likes them. Life is always changing and the aging process reminds us that the "clock of life is ticking."
I don’t like it, but I HAVE to do almost everything. I am TRYING to set up Meals on Wheels and everything else I can think of to give me a break. How about giving your Mother a break and handle some of her load? My son from a prior marriage pays ALL our bills with our $; hubby’s son (about 40 miles away) drives us to medical appointments as needed. Those are wonderful helps, but not enough…..that is WHY I am trying to find more help. Jan