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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
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Just to know how everyone is doing. Does the meter goes up & down or stable. A basic deeper inner you. Just you. Despite all the pasts, family dynamics, present situation with parent, doctors, facilities, workplace, etc etc etc.
When Dad first first came home from rehab, I was furious at my siblings for not helping. Compassion was overridden by anger and despair. I not only had to take care of my father 24/7, I was getting little sleep, awake at any noise. I had no training, nor a loving empathic personality.
So i Took my strengths analysis, foresight, competence, and I put them to use. I educated my self, read every book, I could find on the subject of elderly care, and Parkinson's.. My I built a support team, to my lover, I cried out my despair, he calmed me, and taught me to honor Dad's wishes, my best friend was a nurse, she calmed my fears and gave me valuable input. I carved out pockets of time just for me, early morning was best. When family came over for get togethers, I took naps. As I gained confidence my compassion was around 5. I was approachable but still angry.
Slowly inexorably I learned patience. I started to enjoy the caregiving. If I was stuck in the house, I baked bread. I stopped doing things for Dad, and started making his efforts successful. Big difference, when I learned to let go and listen, my compassion was 7. Miracles happened, I became approachable, happy. Through education, especially this website, I understood their fears , and childhood roleplay. I taught them listen to him, trust your gut. Enjoy him. I made it easy for them to offer help. I let go of anger, now all 6 siblings give me 4 hours a week. My one sister, who I thought would never come through, just gave me a 3 day respite.
Now my compassion level is 9, for everyone. I have learned and grown immensely througth this year and a half. . Sister Imaculatta used to tell me everyday of fifth grade patience is a virtue that must be cultivated. I think she would be proud of me.
I know how you feel, I took on my MIL and made everyone's life easier,, Your husband needs to "Man up" and take responsibility for 'his" mother..Let him know how unhappy you are..Start looking into NH with your husband...Also do the overnight with out your husband and let him care for her while you're away..He'll get the message...It's time to start thinking about "you", not your husband,MIL, children...Stop letting people take advantage of you..
Lately I've been pretty numb. I despise my MIL for refusing to leave her home. I've had to leave mine, for 3 yrs now. My husband is an only child & won't try to move her anywhere. Just when we found a place for her, he decided we should fix up our home and bring her there! We are in the process of renovating our own home (due to water damage) .
.She has been mentally ill for at least 60yrs. I want to help her, I just never thought it would mean being under her thumb and control. She's very intelligent and uses her disabilities to gain sympathy from people. I'm afraid the compassion I once had, is lost. Can't even get away for a single overnight together. She won't ALLOW any stranger in her house to help her. I lined up a podiatrist to do a house call but she blew up at the last minute & put her foot down. That's when I realized she will never let us bring in help! There will only be one move in her future. I think it will have to be to assisted living. Her vision, OCD, paranoia, & physical unsteadiness would make it very hard to leave her in our home alone.( At her house at least she knows where everything is.) It's either her house , or a home! I've tried to explain to her if no help can come in, she will end up somewhere else. She just thinks I can do everything , constantly, forever!
Sooo I suppose my meter is broken & stuck. Struggling to keep it above a 2. I try to stay involved in small ladies group bible studies, church activities and my 6 grandchildren but the minute I walk back into this house, my compassion sinks...
Thank you for your input and honesty. It's always good to hear a fresh outlook on it all. The truth is, I tell him all the time how I feel. I have packed up a couple of times & spent the night back at our house, alone. (I even took a week at a ladies retreat.) Keep in mind , our house is under construction and not so cozy , right now. He understands how difficult she is! He is also a highly respected , salt of the earth kind of guy. I am just realizing that he just can't make a plan for the next step! I have realized that I need to go and gather the info for assisted living. ( He is also extremely busy between being self employed, on staff at church, handling her household finances & ours while trying to settle his fathers estate). I am glad he wants to care for his mother. I know he will always take care of me ,as well. I just don't think he can really comprehend how emotionally damaging it is on me. He keeps promising me a vacation anywhere I want to go , when its all over. I'm just not sure I will be the same person, by then.
We also don't have POA. All she has financially , is signed over to my husband though. Not even sure if we can force her anywhere, against her will. (she was in a mental institution for a yr in 1960 & hates any in institution!). We are hopeing she will go along with the assisted living & not the more restricted.(she doesn't mean to be the "pain..." that she is)Honestly she may not even survive the move. She will be in such a state...Thanks again for the discussion!
Hi JPFrazzled, thanks for sharing. I agree with ppalmer316 about your husband. Maybe he has a deeper issue within himself(from your story, he seems fully occupied). By promising to take you for a vacation, I could sense he is a good man & son. Its just about time. And time is patience in our journey. While I know that this is about YOU, we cant ignore the facts that we must keep it together as a family. Hope you can take it one day at a time. Bydway, I have the same feeling when you wrote the minute I walk back into this house, my compassion sinks.... well, just forget about the meter reading ok :-)
Hi kathyt1. Your story is so inspirational! Thanks a lot for sharing. Whilst I wish I'd have your sibling/family/nurse friend, which seems unrealistic, lol, im happy that you made it this far. Owh, the childhood roleplay works for my dad too. Hope you can continue sharing your input here elsewhere in other thread/discussion as well. Thankyou :-)
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
So i Took my strengths analysis, foresight, competence, and I put them to use. I educated my self, read every book, I could find on the subject of elderly care, and Parkinson's.. My I built a support team, to my lover, I cried out my despair, he calmed me, and taught me to honor Dad's wishes, my best friend was a nurse, she calmed my fears and gave me valuable input. I carved out pockets of time just for me, early morning was best. When family came over for get togethers, I took naps. As I gained confidence my compassion was around 5. I was approachable but still angry.
Slowly inexorably I learned patience. I started to enjoy the caregiving. If I was stuck in the house, I baked bread. I stopped doing things for Dad, and started making his efforts successful. Big difference, when I learned to let go and listen, my compassion was 7. Miracles happened, I became approachable, happy. Through education, especially this website, I understood their fears , and childhood roleplay. I taught them listen to him, trust your gut. Enjoy him. I made it easy for them to offer help. I let go of anger, now all 6 siblings give me 4 hours a week. My one sister, who I thought would never come through, just gave me a 3 day respite.
Now my compassion level is 9, for everyone. I have learned and grown immensely througth this year and a half. . Sister Imaculatta used to tell me everyday of fifth grade patience is a virtue that must be cultivated. I think she would be proud of me.
.She has been mentally ill for at least 60yrs. I want to help her, I just never thought it would mean being under her thumb and control. She's very intelligent and uses her disabilities to gain sympathy from people. I'm afraid the compassion I once had, is lost. Can't even get away for a single overnight together. She won't ALLOW any stranger in her house to help her. I lined up a podiatrist to do a house call but she blew up at the last minute & put her foot down. That's when I realized she will never let us bring in help! There will only be one move in her future. I think it will have to be to assisted living. Her vision, OCD, paranoia, & physical unsteadiness would make it very hard to leave her in our home alone.( At her house at least she knows where everything is.) It's either her house , or a home! I've tried to explain to her if no help can come in, she will end up somewhere else. She just thinks I can do everything , constantly, forever!
Sooo I suppose my meter is broken & stuck. Struggling to keep it above a 2. I try to stay involved in small ladies group bible studies, church activities and my 6 grandchildren but the minute I walk back into this house, my compassion sinks...
Does my ability to express and implement my compassion vary from day to day. Yes!
I don't have a meter for it, though.
The truth is, I tell him all the time how I feel. I have packed up a couple of times & spent the night back at our house, alone. (I even took a week at a ladies retreat.) Keep in mind , our house is under construction and not so cozy , right now. He understands how difficult she is!
He is also a highly respected , salt of the earth kind of guy. I am just realizing that he just can't make a plan for the next step! I have realized that I need to go and gather the info for assisted living. ( He is also extremely busy between being self employed, on staff at church, handling her household finances & ours while trying to settle his fathers estate). I am glad he wants to care for his mother. I know he will always take care of me ,as well.
I just don't think he can really comprehend how emotionally damaging it is on me. He keeps promising me a vacation anywhere I want to go , when its all over. I'm just not sure I will be the same person, by then.
We also don't have POA. All she has financially , is signed over to my husband though. Not even sure if we can force her anywhere, against her will. (she was in a mental institution for a yr in 1960 & hates any in institution!). We are hopeing she will go along with the assisted living & not the more restricted.(she doesn't mean to be the "pain..." that she is)Honestly she may not even survive the move. She will be in such a state...Thanks again for the discussion!