My mom is 93y old now. About 2 years ago she started to tell me that she can not take care about all the house she was living in saying its to big, to much to do and was asking me to bring her to live with me. There are now 5 month she is here moving from Europe to the US. From the nice person she was its nothing left over. She is so far fit, no ill, she could do some small things in the house here, but she is refusing. She is not even willing to make a tea for herself. I am cooking food that she likes, but if it is not served on her plate she is not eating. I showed her several times how to warm the food up in the microwave, but of course she is refusing saying that she does not touch anything in a strangers house. Also, no matter what I am saying she starts yelling and screaming at me all day long. Now she wants to go back to Europe, she wants to travel there all alone and live in an empty house that is on the market for sale, and is yelling at me asking for money.
This yelling and arguing has to stop, I am stressed and frustrated and can not focus anymore on my job which is pretty demanding. I need some help or advise. Thank you.
About your mother's behavior, I have no experience with dementia, but I don't take any guff off my 92 year old Dad, who has parkinsons. You need me, I don't need you is my attitude, treat me with respect or i am gone. Can you stop jumping through hoops to try and please her, and allow her to find her own way.
You could see a therapist to help you through this tough time. I see mine once a month. His input is invaluable, I couldn't make it without him.
it sounds like she was never a saint. And you do need to set limits on her - insist that she treat you with respect and help out around the house. But if you can see her as a scared helpless old lady using a sharp tongue to hide behind, maybe you can have sweet loving feelings for her sometimes. Caregiving is so much easier when you are feeling love.
Don't blame yourself when she provokes you and you are angry with her. Give yourself credit every time you can call on your loving side. You will find SOME help, so you won't have to do it 100% on your own. Good luck and God bless you.
I am sitting here trying to figure out things that might work. Everything I think of hits a block, because of the language barrier. Aging and dementia is challenging enough when things are in one language. I can't imagine working through it when there are two languages. Do you have a doctor who is fluent in your mother's language? I have a feeling you need to look to building a strong team to help you deal with what's ahead.
Please try to discourage her from returning home. Maybe let her know how much you need her or want her with you. That way she will be doing you a service to stay. If she has dementia and you were to send her home, I have a feeling you would be getting her again soon unless she has family in Europe.
Chances are she is still disoriented, since she is older and may have dementia. I have my fingers crossed she'll get some better as she adapts. But putting together that team that speaks her language still sounds like a good idea.
Perhaps you address Mom's attitude that she can do nothing "in a stranger's house." You are certainly not a stranger, and it is her home now, too. So, she can make herself a cup of tea, or do without tea, for example. Make sure that she really can make a cup of tea. She may be trying to cover up her deteriorating abilities by claiming there is some other reason she won't. But if she can, she should.
She can heat something in the microwave, or eat it cold, or skip it. Her choice. BUT be sure she really can learn to use the microwave. If she has beginning dementia then I'm sure you wouldn't want to demand more than she can really do.
Do you work from home, or leave the house each day? How does she get along when you are not there?
You really need to protect your ability to do your demanding job. You both depend on that income!
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