My MIL does not speak English and I do not speak her language (portuguese). She is obese, immobile, and incontinent. She lives with one of her daughters and across the hall from another one of her daughters. Both of them are currently unemployed. The two daughters, my husband and my brother in-law had a meeting recently to agree to how my MIL should be cared for and the daughters said that they wanted to alternate full days on a rotation but that means that when my husband is working and he works 80 hour a week, I am taking on his day completely. Is this right? I feel like he is able to provide the financial part of the care and the daughters should provide the other care. Diapers and showers and all of that. I want to help but is it fair for me to be with her for full days while her daughter are right there at home too and I can’t even communicate with her?
My husband thinks I’m being dramatic and doesn’t understand the big deal. Please let me know if I’m wrong to think that they as her daughters should be doing the care and that I can help when needed and of coarse I want to help but just not equally to them.
Your husband seems to think that the person he married would be okay changing his mom's diapers. Was this discussed before the wedding? Is this the cultural norm in his community?
You are allowed to say " no, I can't possibly do that". It's not about what's right or wrong, it's about what you can and cannot do.
I could never, ever, ever change an adult's diaper. Not my parents, not my husband. It's a deal breaker for me. No one is going to guilt or manipulate me into it.
Figure out what you can and cannot do.
Do you work outside the home? Have young children at hime?
Nope, not your responsibility at all. If he has to work on 'his' days, then he needs to take the day off work or hire someone to take care of her on those days. He entered into an agreement with his siblings not you.
Now you maybe facing an uphill battle, but you need to stand firm. On 'his' days, make plans for yourself so that you cannot possibly be available to care give.
You may not be in the mood for this, but I'm afraid my knee-jerk response is to laugh aloud.
You are not this lady's child. You do not speak her language. Are you a trained nurse or health care assistant? In what way, pray, are you remotely qualified for her, let alone you, to be comfortable in a close personal caregiving relationship?
Would you be happier, say, if you agreed to supervise your MIL's day with support from hired caregivers paid for by your husband? I'd say that's still plenty, and you'd be within your rights to say "not on your nelly" and make yourself scarce instead. But for heaven's sake don't think you are obliged to take on your husband's shifts - he agreed to them, not you. And never mind obligatory, I'm not even sure it's appropriate.
PS - it's not one-in-four, it's one-in-three, isn't it? I assume the BIL who attended the meeting is attached to one of the two sisters. How many shifts is BIL doing, do tell? And how come he was there and you weren't?
Your MIL has 4 children who have decided to rotate her personal care. Good for them! That means in every 3 week period (21 days) your husband's turn will come up 5 times. In that same period he will have 6 non-work days. Works out fine, doesn't it? Sisters will have to take their time off on weekends, but that will suit them fine, I'll bet. And, if you feel generous (and NOT because other people expect it) you might spend one of those 5 caregiving days helping your husband with MIL. Since this is No Big Deal to your husband, he shouldn't have any problems with taking this on.
It sounds like you married into a family from a different culture. But you live in Iowa. Unless you specifically agreed to the expectations of your husband's culture when you married, it is reasonable for you to follow mainstream practices of the US. And in the US, forced labor is not acceptable outside the prison system.
As BarbBrooklyn observed, you have a marriage problem, not a caregiving problem. If you and hubby cannot come to terms by talking this out I think you might consider relationship counseling.