My 85 y/o mother fell recently(again) My sister, an LPN lives with her and is her legal medical advisor. The will has been changed since the orginal will that was done before my father passed away 5 years ago.. My sister is now inheirting everything .The original will everything had been divided equally between the 4 children.After my mom's fall, the sister opted to treat her with pain meds, and oxygen. I live out of state. A week later she sent me an e-mail, because my brother told her too. (He meant for her to tell me about the fall and the will changes, My sister took my mom to family doctor after a week; sent me an e-mail about the fall and they had good news; the x-rays showed no broken bones? I sent her an e-mail asking why she waited a week, she said mom didn't want to go to ER and that she had to respect her wishes!! My Mom fell 4 years ago while I was there visiting and she didn't want to go to ER then either. I loaded her up into the car, and took her anyway. She needed alot of stitches in her head, and kept her overnight for observation. I also asked my siter in that e-mail if doctor (small rural town) had requested an MRI. The MRI done when I was there shows she had been having mini strokes, No,MRI was ordered only PT. The sister does not want a repeat MRI ,because I'm sure she actually does know enough, that it would probably void all the new wills. Questions I have are: 1. What are laws regarding taking an elderly parent to ER against their will? I've thought of talking to my mom's doctor and telling her my sister gave her pain pills (from who knows where?) and oxygen? and waited a week for her to be seen. I would also be able to express my concerns about her mental stability. My mother is very hostile and agressive with me when I spoke with her on the phone. I'm sure she thought I knew about the will changes, when I was simply calling to talk about her fall and to see how she was doing. I'm very upset with lots of things...my mom's treatment towards me, (which started after my father died. My mom always thought I loved him more) and which also intensified when my sister moved in to her house, My sister whom is over 50 never liked me because in her words I was thinner, prettier and people liked me better. I have never done or said anything bad to her. The last time I was visiting my mom, my sister got so angry with me, she grabed me by thwe throat and was shaking me up and down. I left not saying anthing to her, The next day she came to see my mom, so in front of my mom, I said in a regular voice, that if you ever touch me againthat I would call the police. amy mom, said" You would do that to your own sister"? I know if I talk with her doctor, social workers etc. will become involved, with the possibility of my sister losing her job. I think there is the potential of her killing my mother. ( not intentionally) but due to an over elaluation of her knowledge,(in my opinion.) My mom wants to stayin her home, and is obviously is happy with her care and the caretaker. That would all change I'm sure if I( talked with her doctor) My mother let me know I had lots of wrong information, no, she didn't buy my sister a car ( In my sisters e-mail , she said she paid her back?) she never co-signed a $40,000 loan for my sister to pay back her credit card bills; but then she did remember the back calling her about the money? My 85 y/o mother just finished paying off the loan. No, she never paid off the morgage of the sisters boyfriends property when it was going into foreclosure (she was living with him, and there was never any paperwork) So, my mother told me we were all treated the same in the will, ( so, all of these things are not true. All her anger was being directed at my brother who owes her over $100,000. She was yelling at me"I'll never see any of that money
" In my sisters e-mail that "they are coccerned about running out of money" My older brother who lives near their, saw my sisters name on the bank deposit slip on my moms table. I was thinking, well you could pay rent, you could start paying your loan I don't know. Just a thought. So, I did send my mom an e-mail requesting that my name be completely taken out of the will ( I think their are some stocks in my name..........I don't know because I've never seen it) I wrote I do not want anything from her, and all I had ever wanted was just her love. Of course. I've heard nothing from my mom. Meanwhile my older brother said the holy spirit visited him, and said my mother would die soon) The same thing happened before my father past away? Should I just let whatever is going to happen, happen? Neither of my brothers are talking with my mom . So.............that's my family and my situation? (There isn't really very much medically wrong with my mom. It bothers me that the sister talks so much to her about dying and her medications,etc.and then that's what my mom has to think about when she is home alone.all day. My mom still makes her own meals, does her own laundry, has a cleaning lady, and has a friend take her for goceries,PT etc..My sister can't really be doing all that much for her. She does work full time. What should I do?
I think you have started posts 3 times in the last 5 days. That is fine. In fact it is often a good idea to keep topics separate. Someone may ask for advice on getting mom to shower in one post and then in another ask about hallucinations. This helps attract the right people to respond.
I'm confused about your 3 posts, however. They all seem to be about pretty much the same thing. Your mother is having falling episodes. You do not approve of the way your sister, the primary caregiver, is handling the falls or any of mother's care. And in each and every one of the posts you tell us that your mother's will has been changed several times. (But you claim that is not important to you.) How is the will related to her falling down?
Since all of your posts seem related, I'll respond in one place, here.
You are apparently from a dysfunctional family. I'm sorry. That complicates everything, doesn't it? I am sympathetic, and I think you deserve some help in dealing with the long-standing issues in the family. Have you ever gone to therapy? It sounds like now would be a good time to have a sympathetic but objective person to talk to.
Old people fall down. People with dementia fall down a lot. Old people with dementia? You'd better count on some falling. It is certainly worthwhile to do everything possible to reduce the risk of falling, but it is not possible to eliminate the risk altogether.
When to take an elderly person to the ER or to a hospital is a very case-by-case decision. The persons on the scene must make the best judgement they can. Sometimes that means overriding the elder's wishes and sometimes it means respecting them.
You think your sister might be under-treating your mother because she fears that if there is a medical finding that mother has dementia, the changes to the will won't be valid. It isn't up to your sister to ask for an MRI -- the doctor will recommend one if there is a good reason for this expensive procedure. And and MRI could not possibly define whether changes to a will over the last few years are valid. That would be a ridiculous reason to refuse an MRI. (And maybe your sister is ridiculous. I'm not ruling that possibility out. But it really sounds like a hypothetical and somewhat paranoid reason you've come up.)
You claim that mother is in pretty good health and taking care of her shouldn't be a burden for your sister. And yet you know she has vascular issues and you believe so strongly that she has dementia that you think that's why your sister doesn't want to let her have an MRI. So which is it? Mom is perfectly OK, or Mom is a pretty sick lady?
The fact that Mom is nasty to you on the phone may be because your sister, with whom she lives, has pretty harsh opinions of you. Or it may be because she has dementia, or may be part of the family dysfunction that goes back many years. I am truly sorry about this. If you would like to mend your relationship with your mother (a good idea, I think), then I strongly urge you into some counselling,
You are concerned that your sister talks about death all the time with your mother. You are out of state. How do you know what they talk about all the time? How do you know which one brings the topic up? How often do you visit? How often do you talk on the phone? Is Mother always nasty to you in your conversations?
leastfavorite, I am truly sorry you are not from a close-knit, loving family, where everyone can trust each other and all are working toward what is best for the parents (even if they don't always agree what that is.) I am sorry that you don't seem to have your mother's unconditional love (she thinks you loved your father better). This is all very sad. Please get some counselling to deal with this. You deserve it!
I am inclined to think of it this way: Alzheimer's/dementia is a disease of the brain. Specific regions of the brain affect different areas of functioning. One part of the brain and central nervous system controls motor functioning, which includes balance and mobility. That is why, in the end stages of Alzheimer's, the patient loses their ability to swallow and other autonomic functions.
I also believe other factors come into play, such as differences in perception, de-conditioning of muscles from inactivity, loss of bone mass, inner ear disturbances and, of course, side effects of medications.
We tend to think of the brain as being related to mental activity; however, it also controls motor functioning.
I am a RN and also take care of my mom so I understand what you are going through .
As a caregiver, I was forever being told what to do by other family members. They all seemed to have some input, but never enough time to come and help. The excuses were always the same, live to far a way, just cannot stand to see (patient) in this condition, bla bla bla. Then when he was dying, where were they?
Here is how I look at this. Don't question the caregiver unless you yourself are willing to step in an take over. Then POP the statement about the WILL. Oh that dreaded WILL. You said Mentally, your mom knows what is going on. Simple answer, your mom wants your sister to have everything. I would accept your mothers wishes and move on. Meanwhile, if you really feel your mother is not be treated correctly, call adult services and have them check in with them. As for the legal questions, hire an attorney. Either one of these two things could finish any communication with your mom and your sister. But if you feel your mother is being mistreated or needs to go to a different doctor or ER, then you should take steps to check out the situation. But, keep in mind, if all is well, you have sealed your place in the family.
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