What should you say to your parent when she insists her 16-year-old granddaughter doesn't love her?

Multi-generational living doesn't work for every family, IMO you daughter has already had to make too many sacrifices for her ungrateful grandmother. 16 is a very formative age and she needs your support, do you honestly want to tie yourself to the ever increasing care of your mother at the expense of your relationship with your daughter?

Why on earth did you agree to move in with your mother, a hoarder, who may have some level of dementia and mental illness?

You uprooted your daughter in what, her junior year in high school?

How unutterably cruel.

Your daughter finds this sacrifice of her life and well-being hard to understand.

So do I.

I believe that it's not just your relationship with your daughter that's at stake. At her age she's going to begin to find ways, any ways she can, to get out of that house and I think she could find herself on a potentially destructive path just to avoid having to face what's at home. If someone needs your care it's your daughter.

Is there someone your daughter can live with back home so she can finish school there? A family member or a friend. You can give them temporary custody.

Maybe being blunt with Mom would be good. Did they have any relationship before. If no, how do you expect one now. Tell Mom, of course she doesn't like you at this moment because she had to move from what is comfortable to here. She left friends, school, activities. To live where she knows no one.

Your daughter does not have to like Gma but she does need to respect her. This is what u need to tell her and except that there may never be any relationship between them. You have that Moms 199, think u meant 99? Boy, what a generation gap between Gma and daughter. Neither may never understand the other. Maybe Mom needs to except that and stop hounding the girl.

My MIL chose to move to Fla when my daughter was 4. We visited every 2 yrs or so. At 17 daughter didn't want to go so stayed with older sister. I didn't make her. She had no relationship with my daughter. My daughter was respectful, just didn't go out of her way for Gma. I understood this and told my daughter so. Yes, my MIL thought daughter didn't like her. What it was is daughter didn't know her. You can't live 2 days drive away and expect the grands to love you. Plus, my MIL was a passive agressive person who tended to lie and both my girls saw thru it.

I get that you are trying to be supportive of both of them but sometimes it just isn't possible to give everyone what they want and need. I devoted many years to the care of my mother, first in her home, then my own and finally in a nursing home but I was a free agent with no dependants, plus my mother never demanded anything from me and willingly submitted to my authority. I believe your number 1 priority needs to be your daughter until she is an adult and fully launched, your mother has had her day and there are other options you could consider for her care.

Sls, has your mother ever been evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist?

Hoarding is a mental illness.

If your mother talks about how your daughter behaves in front of her, she's lost her filter, one of the "executive" functions. It's a marker for dementia.

You might want to have this checked out.

You might also want to find your daughter a therapist.

If mom won't move, can you clear out her hoard so that your daughter can have her stuff?

Being a teenager is hard under the best circumstances and I think that kids nowadays are subjected to craziness that no generation before could even imagine.

I personally had a very hard time with change as a young person, lots of reasons behind that but when my parents moved me away from everything I knew, I had a nervous breakdown. It was really hard and I was really pizzed at what I perceived as complete selfishness. Which made me a bear with a sore foot to live with.

Have you tried calling your mom out for talking smack about your daughter? If she has all her faculties then she is just being hateful. Make her ask your daughter, don't be the middle man. Mom, she's right here, talk to her or shut it off. Daughter, regardless of what a turd she has been she is 99 years old and respectable young adults treat old people with patience and kindness, whether they deserve it or not. Stand up for yourself, tell her, gma when you do xyz I think you don't care about me, or even like me.

I think that you had very high expectations of how this would work and it has bombed out on you. No one is at fault, it is hard for 3 women to live happily together.

For your daughters sake find away to get her stuff where she lives.

I also think that living with a hoarder is embarrassing, cuz it's a mess, there's stuff everywhere and it is hard to make new friends when you are hiding family secrets and I guaranty you she is embarrassed, it's part of being a teenager. My mom is a hoarder, so I speak from personal experience. Who wants anyone to know they live like that?
Try to make them deal with one another and please stop your mom from being hurtful to your daughter. This will help your daughter be nicer to your mom. Saying gma is all there yet treats your daughter so horribly is really giving your daughter the wrong message, if gma is all there, she needs to knock it off and show her granddaughter some love and appreciation for giving up everything near and dear to her so you could care for her. The way you have described what your mom does, I don't like her either.

However, if she has cognitive issues she is entitled to a little leeway. So it is something to consider.

Teach your daughter that gma can be as rude and nasty and as hateful as she wants because she can't see or teach her that old people loose their brains in a way that causes them to be really selfish and self-centered but they don't know they are being hurtful and ugly so we do the best we can.

You can't have it both ways and only you know if this is your mom as she has always been or something has changed.

I pray for your daughters sake that a path to harmony can be found.

You are between a rock and a hard spot , try to let them hash it out, even if it means some yelling, crying and drama. Back off unless it goes in a circle or to far.

Hugs and hoorahs for a successful outcome.

Your mother has options, she can go into assisted living, hire caregivers etc. Your daughter had no say in this matter. What are her options?

Can she have friends over to the house? What about her stuff? How fair is it that she cannot have any of her things?

One of my kids chooses to spend as little time as possible with one grandparent. That grandparent is a negative Nelly. Within minutes the complaints start. I can not image the toll it would have taken on my child if they had had to live with her.

I know you do not want to hear this, but your first responsibility is to your daughter, not your mother. If your daughter was out of school and off to college and only visited during school breaks that would be differnt. But she is not, she is a highschool student who has been uprooted from her friends to live in a strange place with a mean old woman who complains about her.

You chose to enslave yourself, but that is SO unfair to your daughter. Your mother will be gone in a few years, probably.

What kind of relationship will you have with your daughter by that point?

You and your mother and brother should strongly consider a facility for your mother. What is her financial status?

I'm wincing at the thought of saying this to you, but - what were you thinking?

But how does that help? You poor thing, my goodness yes you must be stressed.

Could you explain how all this came about? If we understand why it all seemed like a good idea at the time we'll be better able to suggest ways forward.

Hugs to your daughter, too. And if you can tell her that this is not forever and you're working on a way out and you'd appreciate her best support until you've found it, she may at least stop believing you've ruined her life on purpose.

You asked for suggestions so here are a couple. Does your daughter have her own room? I would put some of GMs stuff into storage so you daughter can have her own stuff and space.
This is a tough situation for the 3 of you. You know that at 99 this is a (sadly) very temporary situation. A 16 year old thinks it’s the end of her world, which is just starting out. (When I was a teen I had a steady opinion that Mom was trying to ruin my life, and my life actually was a cakewalk.) Moving her away from her friends, being promised she could bring her stuff, then reneging, I think she needs to have a safe/pretty place in the house where she can have friends over, and maybe even a boy could come over and meet the family. Is there any way that you can make that happen?

Do you get to spend anytime just being a Mom, doing fun stuff like going shopping (not grocery!), out for a burger, or to school functions? Or is all your time spent caring for GM? Does she need eyes on her 24/7? If so, can you hire a companion/caregiver for a few hours a day after school or on the weekends so you can spend time with just your daughter out of the house?
I think your daughter feels you have chosen your Mom over her. If you can change that opinion, I think the relationship between them may improve. Or at least coexist better.

You don’t think that your Mom has dementia. OK. So explaining that being mean to your daughter in front of her is unacceptable, and not how GMs should behave, should have an effect. If she can’t see make sure that she knows your daughter is present, and have them speak directly to each other, and insist she speaks kindly.

SLS - you posted you were “hoping for support & ideas” well if your wanting an echo chamber to agree with you, you’ve come to the wrong place. You have gotten very realistically based suggestions from folks with experience. Folks are trying to help you.

Legally your first & foremost responsibility is to your 16 yr old daughter. You uprooted her at 15 from her school, friends, sports under the guise of moving into a larger home with grannie. It was to be a better living situation. It’s been like a year and that has not happened and to make it worse your daughter is stuck living with a hoarder who is nasty to her, she has her things in storage and you are not there for her. You have chosen your mom over your daughter. From your daughters viewpoint you have kept none of your promises to her and unkept promises become lies over time.

Barb said it best “how unutterably cruel”

Your daughter is going to or has realized she has options and for a 16 yr old girl, those options are not pretty...... she is ideal candidate to become a runaway & a street flower. Pretty perfect jailbait @ 16.

If she has close friends back at her old school, see if one of the families will take her in over the Christmas break so she can finish out HS there and live with them. And please have her get with a therapist.

And I say this from experience...... We went thru Hur. Katrina, at the time, our kid was in 3rd grade, and we moved out of state for over a year with regularly making trips back. We made it a point to have him keep up with his classmates & it helped keep some sense of continuity and grounding for all of us amidst chaos. He saw a therapist which was amazing as things she pointed out were things we never ever would have thought of as an issue. Many of our friends were in Lakefront area which had 8’-10’ of standing water for weeks from levee breaks & for Lakefront kids in HS many moved in with a family in high & dry Uptown or Old Metry to finish out high school. One of your daughters old friends is going to have an older sibling who is away at college and that’s a family who will have a place for her. If you love her, do what’s best for her and the current situation for her @ your moms is far from that, it has to change in a significant way.

If she moves in with a family, Then you can deal with your mom as the priority. I’d suggest you get mom evaluated to be declared legally blind & get specialized services for being “blind”. If she’s a hoarder to the point there’s no clear egress for fire, police, EMS; you have got to - HAVE GOT TO - move out or throw out stuff so there’s egress. If anyone who is a mandated reporter sees that living condition of the home poses risk, APS can get her moved out with a court order.

At 99, realistically there’s dementia.

Your brother apparently has decided he’s over dealing with mom. That’s his right to do; he is under no obligation to deal with her or you. You chose to do this move; You chose to resign your job; You were not forced to. You can choose to get mom into a facility and do whatever to have that happen. Or you choose to live with her and caregive.

& I’ve gotta ask, where your daughters dad in all this?

Reply to Joann:

Yes, this is grandma's house. And in general "my house, my rules".

For this adult daughter to move into her mom's home and expect that all would be rosy was not wise. Not if she subscribes to the idea that her primary responsibility is to her minor children.

But, as her responsibility IS to her minor child, and presumably, she moved in with the thought that she had a responsibility to her mother as well, there needs be an assumption that there should be no damage to the minor child. Something that all parties should agree upon.

The assumption of the OP that her mother has neither cognitive decline nor mental illness is blindness itself. I hope that as a group, we can get her to see, if nothing else, at least that.

And as Igloo wisely points out, the girl is so in danger of becoming prey to ANYONE who feigns to show her some understanding.

I have not felt this passionate about a situation since I started to post on this board.

Ok. I’m just going to answer your question based on the information you’ve given us and the pushback you are giving to the responders.

You tell your mother that she is probably right and to let it go. That’s the least of your problems.
Quit trying to make everyone adopt YOUR feelings. When you tell someone how they SHOULD feel, it’s crazy making.
No one can trust you because you are asking them to deny their own feelings.
A 16 year old is an exquisite creature. Very sensitive and on the threshold of life altering decisions. They tend to think in absolutes. 99 year olds not much different. If your mom were all there cognitively, as an adult she should be more concerned about your daughter and more willing to make concessions. She’s not and you aren’t insisting that she hold up her end of the bargain.
They missed their opportunity for a natural bond at an earlier age. But your mom was 83 when your daughter was born!
Is your daughter your biological child? She’s more the age of a great granddaughter to your mom.
And you are right, they both are very needy. You sound immature when you answer back to a responder. That your brother is the one that’s wrong. This has nothing to do with your brother. This is about the dynamics of the household which has to work for everyone in the home. You are wasting your time trying to make him wrong.
Your mom has perhaps lived alone for many many years, not easy to make the adjustments your moving in requires.
Is it possible for your daughter to live with her father? Does she have anyone else in her life? Uncles? Aunts? Dad’s parents? Has she been able to make friends?
Please get her a therapist. She needs someone to allow her to express her feelings and give her hope.