My daughter talked me into moving my dad in my home after his last stroke (saying she was going to help she is supposed to be power of attorney) My dad has never liked me (I've felt this way my entire life) I left my job to give him the care he needs and in return all I have heard is how nothing I do is right, I'm stupid, I'm ugly, whatever he can do to bring me down he does it. I make 3 meals a day for him (I normally prepare 1) do his laundry clean his room and bathroom (I think he is actually pouring his urinals on the floors on purpose) he is in a wheelchair telling everyone he can't do ANYTHING anymore. I caught him walking when he thought I was gone. He throws his trash (drink cans etc) on the bedroom floor fine to remove. I forgot to tell you when someone else is around he is sweet as pie to me. Making me look bad if I say anything. Finally my husband saw for himself what was going on. This has been going on for 8 months now. When I'm not catering to him I stay in my room and grow more depressed each day. Last week he was on me hot and heavy finally I looked at him and said "this is MY house and as long as you are here and I am doing everything for you I deserve respect" and walk away with tears in my eyes. He calls my daughter who comes over and tells me I'm abusing him I ask her to leave she calls the police they tell me if she is power of attorney she has to be able to come take care if his needs (I've been doing) I know for sure she is in his bank account but really don't think they did Power of Attorney for anything else. He receives mail here so says he will leave on the 1st. I have been in my room to stay away from him to keep from getting into it with him again. I Know my daughter will call the police again when she is here if I say anything, but IF she has to come over for his needs (bring his food, fix his meds) is it ok that she stays for 2 hours? If she wants to visit can't she take him to her home? Yesterday she sent a text saying how I haven't fixed his meals and she was reporting me for elder abuse. Sorry, he lives here right now but I'm no longer his caregiver. Before I completely break down how can I get him out of my house?
"Did you say something? Sorry, I can't hear you. "
Saved my sanity until I made the great Escape.
What is happening to you is unacceptable. And shame, shame, shame on your daughter.
Hugs.
Mother almost lost her eyesight and was on her way to death from their abuse. The investigator found Mother and I had a great Mother-Daughter relationship. She encouraged me to call if I had any problems. I called and had no return calls. I turned to every other agency I found out about. No results or support from agencies. I was dragged through the mud. The Administrator ( daughter of the owner) bragged that the courts are stacked in their favor. So were the Agencies. My hours were cut way back. My son got Mother out of that craziness. It is almost a year later. We had a great 100th Birthday Party for Mom. Brother and cousin were not there. Mother is in a heavenly facility in the community of my church and home. I stay with Mother full time. When Mom left the rogue facility she could not even balance sitting up. She was sickly, weak, confused and did not make sense. Before the rogue facility butted in, she could walk, she was not in a wheel chair. Her Glaucoma went from stabile to last stages of eyesight from their negligence in administering her eye drops. She has come a long way but has not regained her ability to walk, her eyes are damaged but stabile (not deteriorating any further.) She thinks well and is social. Mother was much like you father was to you when I was a child. She made a big change later in life. She couldn't be nicer to me. We have the loving family I have always wanted with Mother, me and our kitty cat staying together in her new facility with my son stopping in once or twice every day, staying so I can go to Church and otherwise helpful. I am in the choir at church and Praise The Lord.
Make plans for your Father to leave your house. What would happen if he is remorseful. What if he was willing to change. If he is willing make sure he is entertained and looks forward to fun times together. Also I have found that advice given that the Caretaker, POA should also be the POA over finances. We have not achieved that but we do get Mother's monthly statements. That is the least you should have been getting. Also, I hope you are being gifted or paid for caring for your Dad. There is a 5 year look back period on any gifts to qualify for future Medicaid should a parent gift a child unless you declare the payment on your Tax returns. Will keep you in prayers for God's intervention in your situation.
While you still have to be alone with your father, picture yourself protected by a shield when you bring him or do whatever. Try to reduce any time that you are alone with him since that goes so much better. Do you have any friends, or ladies from the neighborhood or church, who can come over periods during the day for support?
I hope you will look for a nice new job, and get back out in the world.
Isn’t this a great site?! Good luck, you will work this out!
Be strong. Do not allow him back! Change the locks! Advise the local police that you have removed him and he and daughter may not enter without police present. Make sure you lock the windows too! (No kidding, I once had evicted tenants climb back in thru a window).
I reminded my dad of his sister. Not in a good way. He wasn't as abusive as your dad, but then, I never had to have him live with me.
It sounds as though your dad is, and has always had some degree of mental illness, and perhaps this is now complicate by vascular dementia from his stroke?
But for your own health, mental and otherwise, you need NOT to be his caregiver. It is downright dangerous to be caregiver to a person who has abused you in the past.
As I said, eviction proceedings start in the AM. " It's not personal, dad. My doctor says that I have to do this."
Your daughter doesn't get that your dad is and always has been abusive to you. He's playing the two off you off against each other ("let's you and her fight" it's called).
Set clear boundaries with eviction proceedings that start tomorrow.
Clear the air with your daughter, perhaps with a joint counselling session with your new therapist.
You can and will reclaim your life.
If the caregivers don't work out, then he will need to go into Assisted Living. I bet your daughter will quickly say she will take her grandfather into her home. Whew. You are off the hook as she made the final decision. Ask daughter where to send her grandfather's mail.
Who knows, maybe this would work out very well. Dad will be happy, daughter happy, and especially you happy without all the verbal abuse.
Step 2) Take away his keys secretly, replacing it with a similar key on his key-ring.
Step 3) Take Dad to DMV (photo ID) and get his address changed on his ID or driver's license, to anywhere that is not yours.
Step 4) As with any renter, interloper, or moving person, put your letter ending his residnce there legally in writing, with 30 days notice. "I understand that you will be moving on Nov. 1st. With that in mind, and accepted as notice, I hereby accept that notice and return 30 days notice."
Sheesh, I don't really know, can you ask an attorney?
Many people do not know if his ID has your address, he can enter with the help of a locksmith or the police.
Can you arrange for temporary respite by admitting your Dad in a facility that accepts two weeks stay for "respite" ?
This from your own daughter? Unbelievable! But it is unfortunately true, I know.
Gather your resources. Test your husband where he is on the team: Throw you under the bus to keep blame on you? Have him drive Dad to the respite facility, have him admitted. It is urgent. Go so far as to lose Dad's cell phone for a day.
I know hiding out in the bedroom, feeling for sure you are damned if you do, damned if you don't. And I hear loud and clear how you have been used up and manipulated by Dad and your own daughter. Calling the police on a burned out, manipulated caregiver is beyond the pale. It removes ALL negotiations from the table. This is war....your own survival is at stake here. Do not relent. Become an immovable force against the steamroller headed your way for your destruction. Know who the enemy is. All of them.
A therapist can help you stay calm, strengthen yourself in the face of all this. Today, you are heard. Today, you are supported. Today, you have taken the first step to save yourself.
It no longer matters that Dad's brain may be broken and cannot be held responsible for his abuses. With your daughter taking sides, coming against you, and calling the police...........you have the enemy living under your roof, and coming in from outside, (daughter as POA) ; with the support of police interpreting laws in favor of Dad.
Yours is an urgent, untenable and dangerous circumstance, even for two weeks.
Hiding in your bedroom is understandable, this is extreme caregiver abuse. If you do nothing...go to therapy tomorow, by making the phone calls today. Calling APS to say you are a burned out caregiver needing help (respite) may get you some therapy. You don't have to be that burned out to get help that you deserve so that you won't be burned out.
Keep checking back, sharing with other caregivers here who will understand.
Can you call Dad's doctor, and ask for his help?
Let's figure this out....what will that accomplish, how will that be received? Anyone?
Disclaimer: I understand that my answer appears to be taking the nuclear option, in favor of protecting the caregiver. Maybe others have some more options for this caregiver and her family....
What, 1st December?
Leave and go where?
Just trying to work out how you can get through the next two or three weeks, assuming that actually is the plan.
We're missing some background.
Why couldn't your father move in to your daughter's house? And if it wasn't possible back then, how is it practical now?
What were the alternative options at the time when your daughter "talked you into" this? Is any of them still possible?
Trouble is, yours is a classic "I wouldn't start from here" problem. But you know that. It's a question of surviving until he moves out without laying your hands on an ax, yes?
Could you and your husband go on impromptu vacation, leaving your daughter to come and stay with your father, get him packed and ship him out?
If he stays in your home I would get cameras. You can get the ones that are wireless and run on batteries.
Tell him you are putting them up so EVERYONE can see what he is up to.
BUT my first choice would be to get him out of your home. You may have to evict him. What happened to his home?
Get an elder attorney if need be. It sounds like the police are treating this more like a domestic squabble. You need help.
Call the local area on aging and tell them he needs an assessment and out of your home.
Do what your daughter threatened you with. Contact elder abuse and tell them she is abusing you and your husband.
How did this crazy setup come to be? Is your daughter paying your rent? Is your husband her father? Give us more information so we can help you with a course of action.