My mom had a stroke almost 2 years ago. She's a very focused woman and strives to improve herself regardless the situation. She is doing great in the assisted living where she's been over a year now, making friends dad and has a routine, which is very important to her. I have been her main rehabber for this time and she continues to improve, although slower now of course, and have had very little of any help with others coming in not associated with the state rehab program. She loves visitors, but we live and hour away from her sisters. In all honesty, they likely wouldn't be by any more often than they are, especially with some of the deaths we have hadn't in the family. Basically, I have little to no help, the visitors have lessened (even when I pay them!), and mom turns to me for MORE support. I have hit and gone beyond burnout, even trying to take a couple days a week off. She does keep herself busy with learning to write and puzzles, but she use to do so much and was so active before. I can't be active enough for us both, I have tried. It's just tearing me down. What suggestions do you have for helping me to get myself put back together while keeping mom maintained and happy?
How old is your mother? It is awesome that she still works on improving! What is a realistic prognosis? No one can predict for sure, but what is the medical opinion of how much more improvement is likely?
Can she afford private therapy? What if she had a speech therapist come in twice a week, for half-hour sessions? Is there a private-pay therapist or exercise assistant at the AL? Having something more regular rather than hit-or-miss might be more helpful, if Mom can afford it.
Ur own home and hubby to care for. Tell her the one reason an AL was picked was because of the friends she made and the activities. No one can keep a person busy 24/7. We all have to learn to be alone at some point of our lives. And yes, the visitors stop.
" I just know I won't be doing my best and am trying to avoid guilt when she does pass that I didn't do enough. That may be my biggest drive to keep the pace up. But it's driving me into the ground, so to speak."
You might want to seek some counselling for yourself about the guilt and need to drive yourself into the ground trying to help your mum improve. Many people feel guilt after their parent passes, and think that they didn't do enough for their parent. It is part of grief and I doubt you can avoid it, no matter how hard you try. It doesn't mean they actually didn't do enough. They did enough, but they still feel guilty. You cant stop illness and aging from progressing. Don't make yourself sick over this. You and your health are important too.
Yes, I have thought about if she were to live, say, 10 more years. There's no way I could totally give up my life like that. My calling isn't caregiving regardless of how the CNAs say I have been such a help to her.
My husbands mother is in the nursing home dementia hall, so he is not able to visit at times without his mom going through a spell of yelling or being ugly. It has helped him, and my mom, to be able to do things for her. She loves his visits. I definately plan on keeping his day going with her.
when she started having the TIAs a couple years ago, I couldn't get her to visit (I'm an hour away from her actual home) or let me come get her, so I probably feel guilty I didn't do more. She wouldn't allow it though. I really hope I don't turn this way as I age, but keep an open mind as far as seeing a doctor.
I realize also, she remembers more now and knows if I have been there or not. When she first had the stroke, she wouldn't remember if I had missed a day or two or was just there.
Dad was a mean, horrid, verbally abusive man I couldn't get her to leave. She's finally free of that and much happier even though this happened. I do wish many things could have been different and I suppose I had been trying to make up for her not having as Happy of a life as she could have. I realize it's not my job though to sacrifice myself to the point of loosing my sanity and happiness. You only get one mom and our relationship wa strained by the choices she made. Just makes me sad I or her sisters couldn't have done more before it all happened.
Ah, that old tug.....when you spend your formative years as a pawn in an ugly marriage.
You're conditioned to be mom's only hope, only joy, etc etc. I can tell that you already realize that you CAN be your own person AND be good to mom. Oh yes, you can!
You just need a boost, eh?? Listen to the all the fine folks who posted before me. They'll steer you right. 🙂
I love the idea of the student helping her. Perhaps if a student came in and read to her that would be beneficial also.
AND when did you last get a massage? Treat yourself to some care as well. Try it once or twice a month to see how you feel afterwards.
We kept someone there with her, but the money ran out for that super fast. Assisted Living is more expensive that it should be I think, but it is what it is. I am concerned if I were to get someone there half the time I'm not, the money may go fast again. Her personal monthly check (SSI) takes care of her basic needs I have shipped in, but I will look into how much a helper would be. Even friends I would pay to be with mom have other jobs now or are busy.
I went to day, and during a rest while walking she asked when I had to leave. I said I would take her on to lunch and had to go. Well, she welled up with tears faster than ever. She's not 100% as it's time for the Botox shots that take the pain from her hand and legs, so I know she's tired. I asked her if she wanted me to stay through lunch (which I knew she wanted me to stay longer), for her some Meds and she was ready to take a nap anyway.
It's so HARD to look at your mom, who's gone through so much and accomplished so much, and have her cry for you to stay when inside I want to take a month long break to breathe.
My hats off to all of you who have someone at home you care for. You are the warriors.
Mom made it very plain for years she did not want to live with us and put any strain on our marriage or disrupt our home. I couldn't do it anyway- but she may have known that too. Moms are like that.
I'm taking tomorrow off and I will Skype her to check on her. That helps her.
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