What to do??

I'm in a very similar situation. I'll be following to see how things go for you. Its hard when the people you love have needs that are in conflict. I'm finding a lot of strength in learning about "non-violent communication". Its helped me understand my own needs better.

We all grieve our losses in different ways and you want to hold on to your mom with all your might. Unfortunately, this illness progresses and you will feel more overwhelmed and need a place to ground yourself with your partner next to you. Your mom would not want to see you apart because of her condition, so think about letting go and find good care for her. Men sometimes get overwhelmed and you have to be sensitive to your husbands feelings. I know it's hard...I even thought getting divorced would give me all the time to care for my mother. But without my husband's support, I would have not made it.

I think it would be a good idea to consider your future carefully. Your original post said ‘I moved my mother into our home’, as an ‘I’ decision not a ‘we’ decision. This is unusual in a healthy marriage. Perhaps you do enjoy your mother’s company more than your husband’s, and some answers have suggested losing him rather than her.

However divorce can be horrible. It destroys your current life, your happy memories of the past, your family, your finances, and every holiday. Your mother will deteriorate, probably leaving you on your own because she dies or you can no longer cope with her at home. The issue is not just about who is boss in your marriage. Sometimes it’s worth being practical, in spite of ‘the principle of the thing’. Sad but true!

It sounds like you and your husband need counseling, since you stated your husband has had stress in the marriage even before she came to live with you. (Did/do YOU have stress in the marriage too?) It would be money well spent.

I take it that you and your husband are still working. So you only have about 5 hours or so at the end of the day together. If chores are done during this time (cooking, laundry etc.), then visiting/caring for Mom, there is precious little time for him alone. I think that is the key word-ALONE. Your husband doesn't want to "share" what should be his time alone with you. Do you WANT to spend time with him? Or is Mom a convenient shield to keep him at bay? Would it bother you if he moved out?
I think you need to bring your feelings to the surface and realize how you really feel about your husband.

Can you (or would you consider) her staying part time at your home (maybe a couple of weeks) and part time at a board and care home for a couple of weeks? (It's called respite care.) You do NOT need to see her every day. Two to three times a week is great. Her supreme happiness is not your responsibility. You will still be a "good" daughter. You can not live with a noose of guilt hanging around your neck.

Do you have the desire to make your husband "feel" like he is the love of your life and very important to you? Spouses can put up with a lot IF they feel respected, loved, cared for and important. Would you be willing to have a "date night" on the weekend? How about leaving Mom with son and going to the movies on a weeknight? Do you make any room in your life for him?

It all depends if YOU have mentally checked out of the marriage. There's no hope for him coming over to your way of thinking if you have checked out and it'll be just a matter of time before you'll get to have Mom all to yourself.

I am no longer married but I would question “why” he feels this way. It actually sounds as if you like her better than him, in which case there’s no way I’d agree to her leaving.
Im not faced with the husband issue but I’ve been told on this site “it’s time to consider a care home...” yes, I’ve been complaining about my mom but she has all her faculties right now. If I send her to a home I want it to be only when she needs it and when the end is near. I want to share her time with her. Even though I get frustrated beyond belief at times.

Tinder, you have made up your mind from the sounds of it. There is nothing any of us can say that will help you to keep an open mind. Your husband doesn't want your mom there any longer and it really does not matter the reasons.

Couples therapy would help, but I would suggest that you seek individual therapy that will help you to better understand your husband's thoughts and feelings about this. Why are you being so stubborn and unfeeling? There is something else going on.

You said mom was in skilled nursing for three months? What had happened that she needed nursing level care? Skilled nursing is not at all like memory care. There are activities, many opportunities to socialize and make friends so she will not need you as much. Maybe that is what you are afraid of? No one can care for mom like you can? You are right, but the staff at a memory care facility will figure it out. They have to do this all the time.

Why would you even want to visit daily? Once a week is plenty and will allow you to reclaim part of YOUR life that seems to have gone by the wayside. What did you used to do before mom? Wouldn't you like to do more of the things you enjoy?

Are you trying to show your children what is expected of them when you need the help? Would you really want your children to provide for your care and lose their lives because of you? You are showing them how difficult care is especially when one spouse no longer wants your mom living with him.

What you should understand is that there is an appropriate time to let others care for her. Be honest with yourself and be willing to acknowledge that there will be a time when your mom needs more help than can be provided in your home. The longer you wait, the more difficult it will be for mom.

I would have to side with husband - your home is his as well.  To me, privacy would be a big issue.  And after 3 years, enough is enough.  Unless you live in one of those mega mansions, where no contact is quite practicable, your and his privacy are not really working.  And you might consider that your mom would do well with socialization - even if she says she is not interested, in time she might come to enjoy it, if some kind of senior living outside your home is all that is on the table.

Tinder after reading your reply to us, it sounds like you’ve made up your mind and wanted us to agree with you. This is definitely a power struggle between you two and those never work nor are they healthy in a marriage. I strongly urge you to consider couple therapy on this issue. It may only take one or two visits. But having an objective third party would be helpful. And if he won’t go, then go alone. It can still be helpful.
My dad is in a NH and I didn’t "ship him off" as you said. It is where he can get the care he needs as he is wheelchair bound, so please don’t use that phrase to others even if you think it. Many of us here have reasons why our LO are in a facility. Thank you.

I have criteria in my head that would make me favor a home down the road for my mom. But my personal convenience isn't part of that criteria.

Um. Yes, it does sound a tad bit defensive to me. I understand that having your mom there is important to you, and it would be one thing if you and hubby were agreed on the matter, but it is his house too. After all, you are married to him, and not your mother.

I'm not trying to be harsh here, just honest. It sounds like your mom is pleasant to you and hubby, and can perform many of her ADLs, so her being difficult is not an issue. It sounds to me like one of the main issues for your hubby is lack of privacy in his own home and couple time with you.

Speaking for myself, after my ordeal with my mom living here, I wouldn't want any extra person who wasn't my spouse or child living here for an extended period of time. Lack of privacy and time with my husband was really stressful for us, and I ended up placing her in a really nice facility.

My mom is like yours in the sense that she complains sometimes about being lonely, and yes there have been times she wants to sit in her room and mope. There are plenty of people to talk to and activities to participate in, but I can't make her do so. But I feel like if I run up there all the time because she feels lonely, not only will I run myself ragged and put a strain on my relationship with my husband, but I would be enabling this behavior.

I point blank told her, "Mom, I can't be up here 24 hours a day. There are people here and lots of fun things to do, but it's your choice to go and have fun, or sit here and not have fun. No one can decide that but you."

I have seen a difference in her participation level. It seems like she is slowly participating in things more. Still gripes and complains. She's miserable, she's lonely, and the latest is complaining that "I never visit her" after I've been up there 3 times this week. Sounds like your mom kind of did the same, but she may catch herself making friends and having fun there. The socialization would be good for her too.

Plus, there are multiple facilities out there too, so if the one she was at wasn't a good fit, she might like another one better. Just food for thought.

This is Tinder. Thanks for all of the responses. My issue is that my husband is wanting me to put my mom in a home and it that it will emotionally cost me much more than it is costing him to have her with us. I feel that he is thinking of just himself and not taking my feelings or wishes into consideration. Throughout our 17 year relationship he speaks of 'caring for our loved ones' and 'not warehousing our elders'. It seems hypocritical to me to speak like that and when the opportunity arises to actually do that, it's NIMBY - not in my backyard.
Many of you responded that my husband should come first. Is he taking me into consideration as well? This isn't just for my mom. It is also for my peace of mind. He thinks that I would be more available. Not if I'm spending time throughout the week visiting her in the home after my tiring teaching day. My mom doesn't like to spend time with old people. Plus, she is relatively innocuous around here. I also think it is important to my grown up children to see that we take care of our family members. We don't ship them off when they get old and require assistance. Which isn't to say that a facility be it AL or any other kind is not wonderful for some people. My mom isn't the right fit for a place. I did have her in a place for 3 months and she was miserable. It was a high quality, expensive skilled nursing facility. She never left her room. She kept asking when she would be going home.
I recognize that the time will come when she may no longer be functional at all. At that time, I don't see the need to have her here, since it would make no difference. Until then, sending her off seems premature and unwarranted. I have caregivers who come and care for her when we are working and when we just need to get away or have time to ourselves. I think that I am accommodating our couple needs. I have let my husband know that I will have someone here whenever needed. I get my mom to bed early, so that my husband and I have time alone together in the evening. Am I just being defensive?

Your marriage should be your priority.

There are even references in the bible to this.

You need not feel guilty for installing your mother in an appropriate facility.

Telling the husband to "grow up" would be a mistake. Your marriage is the priority.

My father in law lives with us. Diagnosed with dementia, been with us 4 years now, after my husband muttered, I would do anything not to put my dad in a home, I said then we will make it happen.
Not easy, but it is my joy. I never forget what people do for me, always a good man and my husband loves him dearly. I have no regrets taking this on, I miss my freedom but this is a temporary situation any way you look at it. The only boundary I set was I will not live in fear, dementia can lead to violence, so far so good, the more the disease takes from him the sweeter he becomes.
Ask yourself what is right for you.

I remember third grade and was told a story about an elderly father living with his son’s family.
The sons wife complained so much about the father, he asked the father to go. So now he asks his own young son to go to the barn and get a horse blanket for grandpa because he has to go.
When the young boy returns from the barn with the blanket cut in half, he said “It’s the dead of winter out grandpa will need the blanket to stay warm,why would you cut it in half?”
The young Boy looked up at his father with a tear in his eye and said,”I figured I would save half for you when you get a old.”

My mom made the decision to live in an assisted living facility and it worked beautifully for her. She was able to make new friends and her health improved for over a year. We were able to visit and were delighted with the staff.
Now it's my turn and my husband and I are in an assisted living facility. We are enjoying so much the nutrious tasty meals and no longer have to shop, clean or cook. We can still drive and go to church and other places. Our physical abilities are not all used up on the necessities and we can still enjoy life. There are numerous activities that one can enjoy or not. Visit some places in your area and find out for yourself.

There is a hierarchy here. Husband comes before mother.

You can remain a loving daughter if your mother is living somewhere else. You can be a loving daughter without visiting every day - for most of us that isn't even an option. You and your husband should be making joint decisions about whether she lives in your house. Your own feelings are important, but perhaps you should talk them through with a counsellor.

Tinder,

You are between a rock and a hard place.
The questions below that I am asking do not need a response as they are personal to you and nobody has the need to know.

1. Not really my business, but are you and your husband presently in counseling for your marriage?
2. Has this issue with your Mother been constant through out your marriage and prior? My MIL was none too happy that her son married a Schitza! My husband had to take matters into his hands after 5 years of this and we finally became friends.
3. Are your feelings YOUR feelings about not wanting to move Mom into a facility?
4. Is it something to do with religious upbringing?
5, Are you doing this because you have siblings who have discarded Mom and are just waiting in the wings for what they may received later? I have them!
6. Have you talked with her doctor? I was extremely defensive when I finally met Mom's doctor for the first time (I wasn't allowed to enter the circle of trust) and I told him I would do EVERYTHNG to keep Mom in her home. He told that he has yet to have a family member NOT say that and then they end up having to place their parent in a facility
7. Does Mom live far away from you right now? If so, is that part of your guilt? I live a day and a half from my Mom.
8. I feel guilty every single time I see her (every month because I am her Guardian/Conservator since July. That's my job to make sure she is being taken care of to MY EXPECTATIONS)
9. STAY AWAY FROM ANY AGENCY THAT INTERACTS WITH THE STATE! IF YOU RECEIVE HELP FROM THE STATE FOR ANYTHING, YOU WILL HAVE TO PAY DOWN ALL OF HER ASSETS AND THEN THEY WILL LIEN AGAINST THE ESTATE, BE PAID BACK ANY MONIES PAID FOR HER CARE ETC. THIS IS THE AREA THAT YOU WILL BE LIABLE FOR ANY DEBT. REVERSE MORTGAGES ARE A PYRAMID SCHEME TOO NO MATTER THE CELEBRITY THEY HAVE IN THE COMMERCIALS. REALLY? WHAT CELEBRITY WOULD NEED A REVERSE MORTGAGE?
10. Contact a reputable in-home care company i.e. A Place for Mom. Have them provide you (not for them to care for Mom) with a caseworker who specializes in this area
11. SHOP AROUND FOR THE FACILITY YOU FEEL MEETS YOUR NEEDS. It's like looking for a new house. The caseworker is your realtor in this situation.
12. Petition to become Mom's Guardian/Conservator NOW! It's a long process, but like in my case, worth it! You don't necessarily need an attorney to do this for you. There are some very good paralegals who do this on the side. I have an absolutely great paralegal and we still keep in touch!
13. ASK YOURSELF....IS YOUR MARRIAGE WORTH THE STRAIN WITH THIS SITUATION OR IS IT STRAINED TOO MUCH PRIOR TO BRING THIS INTO YOUR RELATIONSHIP NOW?

None of us ever want to admit defeat, but just as my Mom's doctor told me, the day will come no matter how much it hurts. He told me that I had done more in 1 month for Mom than my sister having lived in Mom's house for 10 years as well than the other 2, and he was extremely pleased to know she is being cared for the right way now. Yes, I cried because this was the "talk" I had to have with him before he would sign the court docs. He's good, won't sign anything until he has discussed the issue(s). He doesn't want the responsibility of people who will do anything by becoming the guardian/conservator to just abuse the family member by dumping them or monetarily.

Prayers to you. Listen and God will lead you down the right path. It took over 3 years for Him to answer mine and I know why now.

Forget about values and look at the situation critically. Seems as if your husband hasn't agreed with a lot you do or have done in the past as well as the present. Might be easier if he left the house instead of mom who seems to be happy and doing well. Short of that, this is a difficult situation, I know. for your mom, please think in terms of long-term care facilities instead of "nursing homes". There is quite a difference.

Hello Tinder. I read Your Post and I understand Your Mother is doing very well and is very happy and content with You and the Family. You have made this happen because You are a very loving and caring Daughter. I think it might be time for You to tell Your Husband to grow up and to get a grip. It seems He had other issues bugging Him. My advice is continue being a loving Daughter and You will have no regrets.

We all promised to take care of our loved ones. But taking care of them sometimes, many times, means we accept that we are not equipped to do that job in the BEST WAY FOR THEM. Sometimes, you have to love the person more than the guilt you are feeling -- very very hard to do, but may need to be done. Just do it for them, not because you think it will save your marriage. Be honest with yourself about that. If things in the marriage still go south, you will have even more guilt.

Right now your Mother sounds pretty high functioning. What happens in 6 months or a year when she is no longer in good spirits, walks, laughs or enjoys being with family?Is your house set up for someone using a walker or wheelchair? do you have carpet?, stairs?, a large enough bathroom that you will be able to be there with her to shower her? is the shower easy to get into or do you have to step into a tub or over a showerpan? (If you have a master bedroom bath that might be the last straw if your husband has to share it with his MIL.) are your toilets ADA height?
You word your question saying "I moved my mother into our home..." did you have a discussion with your family about this before you made the decision?
I wonder is part of the reluctance to move her to Memory Care or if at this point would she qualify and do well in Assisted Living that you are depending on her income for household expenses? there are 4 adults living in the house, how many are contributing to the expenses?

I know from a personal point of view if I were living in my child's home if I were causing any stress on the marriage I would not want that. While I would not want to be "put" someplace hopefully I would accept that AL or Memory Care would be better for my child and his or her family.
If you really can not place your Mom then getting caregivers in more often, you say you can afford them whenever you need them. I had caregivers 4 or 5 hours a day 5 days a week the last part of my Husbands life and prior to that I had them 3 days a week and previous to that I had him in adult day care. Adult Day Care might also be an option for your Mom at this point.
Sorry if I sound so hard nosed on this or mean but you also have to take your Husbands feelings into consideration.

It sounds like your husband harbors other issues below the surface of his life and needs to take a chill pill or get lost. Men have a tendency to go from one bad state of mind to another when threatened by the presence of ANYONE OR ANYTHING that makes them feel powerless, unnoticed or ignored for all the right reasons.
If your husband does not have anything else to do but whine about and against your mother....let him know you intend to HONOR your Mother by CARING FOR HER AND ABOUT HER (which is no skin off his teeth) come hell or high water.
Ask him also to GET A LIFE and a new hobby and pray really hard.

Are you an only child? You've had your mother for three years. Perhaps it is someone else's turn?

If it comes down to it, would you choose your mother over your husband?

It doesn’t sound from your description your mom needs a NH as that is for people with skilled nursing needs and greater assistance with ADL. An assisted living might be ideal...my dad loved his place. Had activities and bingo, made friends. He had vascular dementia but only needed help with medications.
Sounds like you as a couple might benefit from an objective person such as a counselor to meet with to discuss both sides openly and reach a solution.
Moving her to AL would be a co promise if it’s affordable. You can visit and meet her needs and wants, take her out and bring her to your home to visit.
What are your values towards your marriage? That’s a question you need to balance with the other value you mention. Your marriage and husband should come first but if it doesn’t then I would say you two have other issues to work out.

Day care can help. That would give your husband and son a break. My grandmother went to one and they even picked her up with a small bus and took her and brought her back each day.

I also forgot to add that I have a son with autism. He does not like things to be unexpected. My mil wanders over to our house all the time and this upsets him. We keep the door locked now. I once got a phone call that Nonna “broke” in our house and he had to hide in the closet. She walks in our house, checks our mailbox, etc. it upsets my son and I feel like my privacy is violated.

I am in your husband’’s situation. My mil has lived next door to us for six years. We have someone come in daily to bathe her but we do everything else. She suffers from dementia and has NO short term memory. It is easy to take care of her. However, all she does is sit and she is lonely. We are going to put her in adult daycare. We are fortunate in that she has money.
I sympathize with your husband. We have three children. One is grown and living twelve hours away. The two younger ones are headed off to college. We will now be empty nesters. However, we cannot go anywhere without finding respite care.
I am also angry and bitter. There have been so many times this past six years that my kids and I have missed out n stuff with my husband because he had to take care of her. He missed something important to my daughter and I apologized to her. She responded with,”It’s ok Mom. Did checked out a long time ago: when Nonna moved in with us.” That burned a hole in my heart. It has hurt my relationship with my husband. I am angry with him. It has hurt his relationship w his siblings. We are always asking for help. One son has informed us he is not her caregiver or our respite care.
My point is that although it might be easy to have your Mom living with you, it might not be what is best for your husband.
Every family has its own needs and way of doing things. There is no one easy answer.
Good luck!

Right where you are. My mom is 80. Dementia. Worked from 13 to 78. I’m an only child. It is very stressful. She’s here 24/7. My marriage is good. 34 years. However , it’s a constant struggle for my husband and me to deal with 24/7. We were away for 2 weeks. Had home health come in daily plus some family. When I got back , l was very sad that she no longer bathed daily , or changed her clothes. Also sleeps in family room versus her bedroom. I had to address this. Asked her why aren’t you bathing / changing clothes? Remember, she worked and drove up to 2 years ago. She too has no short term memory, but was up to a month ago, bathing, taking her pills, changing her clothes. I talked to nurse coordinator, who is in charge of the aides that saw her twice a day while I was gone. Told her how’s she has changed. She gave me the number of the memory care unit associated with her. I toured it. So did my husband. My mother is no where near their level. They sit and sleep So for what it’s worth, I’m keeping her with me. She’s too far gone I think for independence living , no where near memory care. My husband agrees. We just have to cope better. I guess just take it day by day. Got to add , I feel extremely guilty too. I think she would despise not living here. So, until she can’t anymore, for whatever reason , we have decided to keep it as it is. We aren’t young either. Not old. But don’t have another 30 plus years to enjoy our lives. He’s 62 , I’m 57. We have an adult daughter. She helps when she can.

that's hard then if you and your spouse are on opposite opinions. :(

my mom is almost 89. she does ok in AL. im sorry to say this. but if I had to live with my mom I would not be able to do it. The ~repeated questions~ would really get to me.
I visit her twice a week for 4 hours. and my sister sees mom once a week for idk how long - 3-4 hours I guess.
my mom used to not be as bad. but slowly she got paranoid, started hearing music (said her AL neighbor had radio on loud, but didn't) insisted someone stole from her, long story. hides things. doesn't remember if shes coming or going.
I personally think its wonderful if you are able to keep her with you, I do. I don't know how I would handle being in your shoes - since your husband doesn't feel the same way.