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Thank the deity of choice Thanksgiving is over. Hope I can mentally recover before Christmas.


Asking for a weigh-in. My mom has dementia. My brother, his wife and their daughter in college live 7 hours from her. They were here for Thanksgiving, and brought their two dogs. It is not possible for them to leave the dogs home, or board them. I don't need to give the reasons why, but they must bring them. My mom gets very upset that she "needs" to keep her cat confined when they visit. The dogs have cats at home, are friendly with cats and have neve hurt one. They DO like to chase and play, as that is what they do with their own cats. The cat would deal, he's pretty chill. She CHOOSES to confine him. The dogs cannot be confined, as they are very social and would not only bark incessantly but ruin any door that was a barrier to their people. They are otherwise very well behaved.


Mom would throw a holy fit if her family did not come on a holiday, but is anxious and upset when the dogs are there. She does not understand why they need to bring the dogs. Again, there are several valid reasons for this


What do any of you suggest? I am verging on telling my brother and his family to just not come. They take time off from work, drive hundreds of miles, and put their own lives on hold to make the trip. It's just not worth it, as they are stressed the whole time from mom bitching and moaning.

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I have had one, two or three dogs with us at any given time. I would NEVER bring them to the home of someone who doesn't wish to have them there. My dogs were also very social. That has nothing to do with it. If the dogs aren't welcome you have two choices. Don't go, go and have a sitter stay with the wherever you stay, or have a sitter stay with your dogs. Kennels would be my last resort. I do not think that your Mom should have to worry about strange dogs chasing (and sorry, but chasing is chasing) her terrified cat over the holiday. But that's just me.
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Isthisrealyreal Nov 2021
I have to say that some dogs have no choice but to go to a kennel.

We had a very head strong, spoiled brat GSD that actually terrorized the dog sitters.

Whether we had them at our house or theirs, she would jump the fence, howl at the front door, eat anything and everything that they left anyplace but the fridge or cupboards. She would get in the pool, roll in the dirt and climb in their bed, just to name of few of the rotten behaviors that this well behaved dog would pull. So she got to go to the kennel when we needed to leave her. We did use a kennel that had 4'x16' kennels with half of that being climate controlled.

It was better then losing the rest of our friends because our dog abused them.
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Sorry, the dogs are not well behaved at all.

"The dogs cannot be confined, as they are very social and would not only bark incessantly but ruin any door that was a barrier to their people. They are otherwise very well behaved."
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Board the cat during the visit.
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LoopyLoo Nov 2021
Why should she have to board the cats? It’s her home, her pets, and it’s wrong to put her cats through boarding. Boarding is much harder on cats than dogs.
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There are many options to leave the dogs at home. Even sitters would come into their home to watch over the dogs. Some people just do not want to leave their dogs, PERIOD.
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Well.... in my old life I wouldn't have said anything but a very small " Okay, you can bring your dogs." Now I would say "No you cannot bring your dogs to my house at Christmas." Here is what happened. The dogs got into a fight and one of them was severely injured. Blood everywhere. Upset people on both sides. Injured dog rushed to pet hospital. Dog owner crying in the corner rest of day.
Lame apology from aggressive dog owner. Never again.
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I’m going to be the outlier. I’d give Mom a big drink of Bailey’s Irish Cream mixed with a drop or two of eggnog, and tell her to chill. We all make sacrifices for family, this is hers. She’ll be fine - the cat will be fine - the dogs will be fine….

Personally, I wouldn’t let it ruin Christmas.
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Cashew Nov 2021
yeah...put a dog before mom...Humanity has fallen so far.
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My dad and his thang needed to bring their dogs as well.

Well, I insisted that they bring their crates or not come. Their dogs weren't house broke and they would pee on my carpet and my dogs were/are big and they would want to mark over their dogs. Big difference when a 6# dogs pees vs. a 75# dog covers it.

It happened once and I put my foot down about free roaming, visiting K9s.

They were mad but, not nearly as mad as me about my carpet.

Maybe your family could bring crates to keep them contained so mom isn't so stressed out.

I have a service dog and I never let her off the leash when I am at someone else's home. I also never stay over, hotels only.

There are solutions available for this situation. Best of luck finding one that makes everyone less stressed.
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Sorry, but it's her place, and she doesn't want the dogs there. I don't think she needs to accommodate them. If your brother and family put the dogs before Mom, then yeah, I guess they can stay home. It says a lot about their priorities.

My son is getting married next April, and I just spent Thanksgiving with a bunch of the in-laws who all want to know where they can stay that'll allow them to bring their dogs when they come down for the wedding (500 miles). I told them that's 100% on them to figure out. We're talking about six dogs that I know of. BIG dogs. Good luck finding an Air B&B that'll allow that. They thought they were going to bunk at my house (we have 34 people on that side of the family!!), and when I said that's not happening, they all started to panic.

At some point in the late 1980s/early 1990s people decided their children belonged anywhere adults went. Now that that seems to be an accepted practice, the dogs have become the new children. Sorry, but that's not OK. Mom would like to have a happy holiday season, and her house and her "child" (the cat) doesn't want to be chased or treated worse than the dogs. She has dementia for God's sake -- are they that tone-deaf?

This is in your brother's court -- come see Mom and leave the dogs at home, or stay home.
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Isthisrealyreal Nov 2021
My girlfriend has 3 AB&BS and many actually allow pets. That's kinda the point of them, according to her.

There are many pet friendly hotels, you just pay an extra fee.

The problem is you can't leave your dogs anywhere. We trained ours to stay in the truck but, hot weather changes that.
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Sorry but anyone putting their dogs over and above their own mother's comfort & importance needs to stay HOME with their beloved dogs over the holidays. If the dogs can't stay home or be boarded, then their owners have to stay home with them and forfeit going to mother's home for the holidays b/c she has DEMENTIA and a cat she doesn't want to confine but apparently feels she HAS to confine if these dogs are in her house. End of story.

Ridiculous how dogs have taken over in our society as the ones of Highest Importance & Priority! And to say that these dogs would 'ruin any door that was a barrier to their people' and then go on to say 'they are otherwise very well behaved' means these dogs are NOT well behaved at ALL. Period.

Before anyone strokes out over me saying this, I love dogs. I have a dog who I love & dogs before this dog that I loved, too. I just don't put my dog's life OVER my mother's life or my children's lives or my husband's life. They come first, THEN comes the dog.
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Daughterof1930 Nov 2021
Lea, love your reply, I wrote mine before I saw yours. I also have a dog who is well cared for, but he’s still a dog and doesn’t rule the lives of the people. I’ve told my adult children that when they see me pushing a dog in a stroller they’ll know it’s time to lock me up somewhere secure! 😜
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The family inc dogs come to town. Stay in local accommodation (motel or camping park, whatever, not your house). 1 or 2 come for short visits, 3rd minds the dogs if dogs can't be left alone.

Actually, wouldn't dogs need to be tied up if left unattended in a caravan park? (I am not a dog owner...) If so, could they tie the dogs up & all visit for 1-2 hours? Doesn't seem worth a 7 hour drive for a 1-2 hour visit to me but...

Mom's place. Mom invites who she likes.
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bolliveb Nov 2021
This solution works well during the warm weather months. They DO have a camper and love it. There is a lovely state park nearby. We take mom to visit with them at the campsite, and she really enjoys that.

Unfortunately, camping is not even an option during the winter holidays. It's way too cold, and the camping facilities are closed anyway.
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Bolli, obviouly, you are not completely unbiased in this situation. I have to ask what you consider are some of the valid reasons for not leaving them at home?
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There is a month between now and Christmas.
They can begin Crate or Kennel training their dogs now so that when they visit at Christmas there should not be a problem.
If they can not, will not Crate or Kennel train them then the dogs stay home as well as the people that belong to the dogs.
Mom's house
Mom has dementia.
She does not understand why the dogs have to be there. It is more noise, activity, confusion than she should deal with. And as with most people with dementia routine is important and holidays screw that up anyway so adding anxiety to her life does not help.
The cognizant adults should understand that.
Give them a month to train them, tell them to bring the Crates with them. If they can not do that tell mom that they have a previous engagement and will not come for the holiday.
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Cover99 Nov 2021
Holiday would probably be more enjoyable with the dogs then mom, anyway.
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I think your Mom comes first. If brother can’t leave the dogs at home, tell him not to come.
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Cover99 Nov 2021
Not really a big loss. How much fun can it be since mom has dementia.
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I agree with your mother and don't understand why they have to bring their dogs either. I would not allow that for one moment in my house.
The assuming that an invitation to a social event also includes the invited party's animals is relatively new. In your mother's day that complete lack of manners was unheard of if you were invited to someone's home. People also did not assume that they can bring their children or additional guests along without asking either. Yet many people do that today as well.
Your brother can make an arrangement for the dogs if they make your mother anxious and upset.
If he doesn't want to board them (and that's understandable) pay someone to look after them for however long they're gone.
Maybe your mother will pay some of the cost for them to hire someone to care for the dogs while they're away so her son and family can join in for the holiday. It's worth a shot.
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Cover99 Nov 2021
lol
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I think to add further confusion to a person with dementia is not a good idea at all. It seems reasonable to stay someplace else with the dogs other than the mother's house, since the dogs cannot be confined to a single room or left outside. With those particular dogs, they seem to also need a sitter during the mealtime and any other events the family is engaged in. Complicated, yes, but the mother obviously cannot handle the confusion, while others are capable of finding a different solution for visits that isn't upsetting to the mother.
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Add me to the list of people who are curious as to just why the dogs have to come.

Do you still live 90 minutes away from your mother, and go to see her once every 10 days? Is she still in danger of burning her house down? 

"She has nearly burned her house down twice recently. Her doctor told her she needed in-home care and an antidepressant. She refuses to even consider it. "I don't need it and it's all a scam to make money".
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bolliveb Nov 2021
I posted more info about the dogs. Yes, same situation with my mom. However, the doctor did prescribe an antidepressant. She cannot remember to take it. We need someone to stop in every day and hand it to her, and make sure she takes it. That would piss her off and she would adamantly refuse. I love my mom but I'm not driving three hours round trip every day to hand her a pill.
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Since so many have asked, the dogs cannot be boarded because:

One spent the first year of his life very abused and neglected. He has PTSD. He is wonderful around people he knows and trusts. However, if he were to be left home (with a pet sitter to come in to care for him) he would attack them. Period. There are no friends or family in the are who have nowhere to go and nothing to do over the holidays, so it would need to be a stranger. Same reason for boarding, adding in that they live in an area where there are not many options for that, and the cost, particularly at holiday time, is exorbitant.

The second dog does not have the social anxiety, but the two are very bonded.

The only solution would be for one family member to stay home with the dogs for the holiday, or none of them come at all.
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Isthisrealyreal Nov 2021
One thing that we did when traveling with our dog was to find a kennel where we were going. Then we could pick her up on the days we didn't have plans.

Just a thought.
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You answered your own question in the last paragraph.

Your brother and family can video chat, then enjoy the rest of their holiday
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I’m prepared to get fully slammed for my thought—it’s beyond amazing to me the degree to which people now let pets completely dominate their lives and activities. I wonder how many who’ll go fully to bat for an animal would do the same for a human. There, I said it, and I truly hope you find a good solution
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Cover99 Nov 2021
You're right about being slammed. I'll can tell you one reason, an animal only wants to be treated right and loved and they'll give that back to you in spades. They are there for you until the end, There have been a couple stories where a human has died and the pet, in these cases a dog, guarded the body and did not want anyone to get near it or move it.

Many humans are manipulative and only care for someone if it benefits them, once that benefit is gone, so are they.

I'll give you a good example, our wonder dog a few years ago waited until mom came back home after going out (she was upset because she was dying) and passed surrounded by people who truly loved her. When mom passed a few years ago, a sister (who she had always been available to go with her to different things) and a cousin when notified of her passing, the cousin, sent a Thank You card, Thanking her for letting her know about the death, then off to her reunion, understandable, the sister who she was always there for, not a word. There I said it.
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Your mom has dementia. She has anxiety and depression, which aren't being treated because she is non-compliant with medication. She demands to see her family during the holidays but can't tolerate the dig/cat horseplay.

This is a non-productive circle. The primary mover gere is MOM HAS DEMENTIA.

She should no longer live alone. Her depression and anxiety should be treated. Celebrations could be held in her facility (AL or Memory care) and she woukd be able to retreat to her own space when she gets overwhelmed.
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There is NO excuse to have the dogs in with your mother and her cat.
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I completely understand traveling with the dogs. In my family it is assumed that an invitation to stay includes the pets. We had a mini reunion in September, there was at least as many dogs as people.

When I visit my brother my dogs come with me, it is simply a given.

I also understand having a dog that cannot be kenneled. My old dog was abused before we got her. The only person she would stay with was my Mum, otherwise she was glued to my side. She was never left alone for more than a few hours.

My current 2 have been kenneled, but only when I am traveling out of the country.

Now in OP's case, it is challenging as Mum wants the family to come visit, but she does not want the dogs. What about your sister in laws family? Can Mum be told they are visiting with them this holiday season? It makes sense that they alternate families.
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