My husband has Alzheimer's and has been 6 months in LTC. He has a girlfriend and they sit and hold hands. It didn't bother me too much at the beginning ( 2 months ago). He was happy and it must have been comforting to have a friend. It really upset his daughter. Now this woman is becoming very possessive when I am around. She comes over to where we are sitting and there is a lot of kissing going on. I was there on the weekend and she came over and I said in a loud voice " NO KISSING!". My stepdaughter, who was with me said to her "do you know who she is?" This woman went up like a firecracker, yelling and swearing at me. The nurses shuffled her off to her room. What do I do about the situation? Should I insist no kissing in front of me? The nurses said if I am around they would take her off somewhere.
If there are slip-ups and the lady - "lady"! - is with your husband when you visit, leave the room discreetly, go to the staff and ask them to divert her elsewhere. Then resume your visit. Don't confront her.
How's her daughter feeling about this now? It might be nice to have an ally in this challenging situation - I should compare notes with her if I were you. You both just want your loved ones to be safe and feel secure.
Anyway that should help the immediate situation when you are there. When you are not.. may be a different issue.
You could try placing him somewhere else, but that is a lot of trouble./
Does he know who you are? Perhaps he thinks this woman is you? Or was he always a flirt?
I would never say it not hurting anyone. It's hurting you, and that is important.
The the staff: KEEP THEM SEPARATED
I would ask nurses to get her to another area of facility when you or daughter visit to avoid the things that bother you or her. Let them know when you arrive and ask that they remove friend girl before you go back to visit.
I applaud you if you have reconciled to just wanting him to be in a happy place if he no longer remembers who you are. The majority would probably continue to fight and reason with a broken mind. Do whatever makes both of you happy. ---Don't help them plan the wedding, though! LOL!
It was her husband who the movie mentioned was based on.
She and her sons were happy that their husband/father was happy in his new circumstances.
Luckily for me, my mom is the one with dementia and her memory care facility separates the men from the women.
If at some point you could no longer tolerate this situation, perhaps you might be able to find a similar facility .
If it hurts so bad, call ahead to let them know when you'll be arriving so they can place her somewhere else. Same way with his children. For you to yell NO KISSING! Only upsets them and those around them. THAT is your jealousy talking. For heavens sake you need to start letting go. If she brings him happiness let it be. Step back and until you put yourself into the frame of mind that his brain is broken and probably thinks that other woman is you, I suggest you not visit.
For both your sake tell the staff when you plan to visit so they can keep the woman from intruding.
I was glad to read you are now enjoying life on your own. Wishing you all the best.
Im sorry.
I have never seen that in LTC or other institutions.
I understood that it was a psychiatric issue that could get you sent out.
When this occurred in my mom’s residence the contact was terminated, and since the floor my mother was on had many units and gathering sites, it was possible to keep people separate, and THAT THEY DID!
No problem for my mom, who often talked about her second husband (who didn’t exist) and was in no hurry for her third.
balababe, you do what will make YOU comfortable. Be pleasant but firm. Let the staff handle it because that’s what they’re paid to do Or SHOULD do.
He makes her feel safe, though. My father was her protector for 66 years, so when he became the one to go first, she was lost without him. Dan the Invisible Man brings her comfort, so now we go along with it.
Still, sorry that you are enduring this drastic change in your relationship with your husband due to dementia behaviors.
Acceptance and understanding go a long way, and you are a very generous person to be able to cope.
It cannot be denied there will be hurt there. And strange feelings.
I can also imagine that while your husband may feel comforted to have a friend, it would present quite the confusion for him if he had a moment of more clarity, like you said, when he did not know her.
I do not understand not being able to divorce when one spouse is not competent to be in a relationship any longer. Is this a real thing? Anyone know?
Your grieving for the loss of your husband has already begun but there is no need to have your nose rubbed in it by this woman. It isn't even about harming her. It's not anything personal against her. It's not about jealousy or any of that stuff. It's about protecting yourself. There was a time that I always put everyone before myself. I cared so much for other's feelings that I neglected my own well being. It took me a long time to learn to protect myself and learn that I had equal value.
I admire your strength and commitment to the relationship. Good for you!
different things - ask that the other woman be else where when you visit.
I am curious... if you don’t mind me asking - what does your husband make of this? Having a wife and a girlfriend in the same room - does he still have the ability to understand the awkwardness of it all?
If you’d rather not say more about it - I totally understand.
Its part of the disease. That woman thinks your husband is her BF or even husband. Just ask the nurses to take her someplace else.
I'm so sorry you're going through such a thing, on all levels. The disease is brutal enough, and then to have to put up with 'another woman' is a bit much, really. But if she brings him comfort, that's the real benefit, right?
Sending you a hug and a prayer that everything works out.
And what of our young grandchildren. What would I be teaching them?
Friends is one thing. Encouraging “liasons” is another.
She is not comforting him.. She is taking advantage of his weakness and however much she or he does not understand, it is ABUSE and the nursing home should be held liable.
Where is JCAHO and the ombudsman ?
I am sorry that you are going through this. My grandmother had a husband in her NH and my grandfather was not okay at all, he didn't understand it was her broken brain. It did provide her comfort while it lasted, less than a year if memory serves me correctly.