She has dementia, the house is empty and mom wants to move back. Mom has dementia,she moved into a lovely assisted living facility 5 months ago. The family home is empty, no-one can move in there, and it must be sold. A brother living in another city tells mom that it is her decision to sell, even though he knows she is not cognitively capable of making that decision based on reason.When he visits, he brings her back to the home for up to a weeks visit. She constantly talks about moving back home and his refusal to get on board with us is causing a lot of anxiety, unhappiness and confusion in mom. We have no other option, we must sell the house. How do we impress on him that we cannot give in to mom's feelings about moving back home because it is not possible, and his attitude is making it more difficult for her?
Empty houses are a very high risk. Have you or your brother checked with Mom's home insurance carrier? Is the carrier ok with the house being left empty? Some of the major carriers will cancel the insurance, and/or if there is a broken water pipe will NOT pay for coverage if no one had notified the carrier the house is empty.
Just yesterday I noticed the water condensation pipe from the A/C was bubbling inside my own house.... oops... I caught it just in the nick of time, otherwise if this was my Dad's empty house, I wouldn't have noticed it until I checked the house a couple days later, by then the basement would have been flooded. I was lucky with my Dad, he wanted to get rid of the house ASAP after he moved to senior living.
Empty houses have to be tended to like someone was living there... lawn mowed, property taxes paid, home owner insurance paid, maintenance and repairs. House has to look like someone is living there.
And No Nasmir, its no longer Mom's Choice, she has Dementia, and can no longer manage her own Life, let alone reason out all of the potential problems and care that it takes to live in said home! The OP stated, that it's no longer a possibility for her to live there, and they have done their best to find her a safe and comfortable living situation. Now it's time to sell the home, so that she can continue to afford living ther.
It is sad when this happens, and the family home needs to be sold, but we all eventually must face the facts that when we reach a certain age, the best thing to do is what's best for our LO, no matter how emotional we are about selling up the family home.
Perhaps the brother would like to purchase it, at fair market value!
Around where I live many ALs are quite nice, and the residents have outings, companionship, etc. Quite different from a NH.. As for things being on a schedule, I know my house is on one..LOL we tend to eat, get ready for bed, etc at about the same times every day. And as for sitting around all day watching TV.. check out some recent posts on here..LOL My mom and my ILs all watch TV and nap alot all day, and they are in our homes! Most of my friends with elderly parents also notice this. Perhaps you thought Josie meant a NH? In AL you have your own "apartment" or room.. your private space that is only for you (not that some don;t wander)
I think we all need to be careful not to characterize all facilities as if none have them have improved over the last generation. I'll bet some ALs are less than lovely and some NHs are more than lovely and Memory Care facilities are all over the map.
All we can do is select from what is available to best meet our loved ones needs.
Nasmir, sorry as well for the loss of your mother.
I have been a nurse for 37 years and working as a visiting (home health) nurse for the last 4 years. Many of our patients are in board and care homes, assisted living facilities, nursing homes and memory care facilities. I have been in them all. MOST range from nice to luxurious. Gone are the dark institutional dumps of the 1960's, 70's and 80's. Today's "old folks homes" are a far cry from what they used to be. They are now competitive, wanting the high dollar payment but having to give something of value in return. There are millions of us baby boomers who are not putting up with the dismal conditions of years past for our parents or ourselves. We would all like perfect living conditions for our loved ones but we're bound by financial factors and health concerns. I had to put my mom in a great memory care facility in Rosarito, Mexico because neither she nor I could afford the $3,500.-$5,000./month cost in California. I'm very happy with the building, caregivers and ancillary staff and the cost is affordable. You do the best you can for what you've got to work with.
I'm sorry that your mother resided in a facility that didn't meet your standards. I'm curious as to why you didn't move her if you were dissatisfied with the "conditions".
As someone else said, life is on a schedule. Don't you get up in the morning and have breakfast or eat dinner at night? Even restaurants have hours when they're open for business. Trying to manage large amounts of people pretty much demands scheduling. Think... camp for kids, corporate business meetings, a normal school day, all of these have to have structure and organization to get things done and so everyone eats in a timely manner.
Now throw dementia into the mix and sometimes it's all you (and the staff) can do to make it through the day. People with dementia can be uncooperative, combative, obsessive/compulsive, have disrupted sleep schedules, be demanding, loud, sad, withdrawn or any other emotion that, for those of us without dementia, normally keep in check. Fortunately, your dear departed mom didn't suffer from dementia. It's a world of its own for the sufferer and their family, an existence that no one enjoys.
The seniors sitting around the TV at the nurses station may have 'wanted' to congregate there. They can see the nurses at work (and may be friends with some of them), watch a program on TV or just socialize with the other "inmates" (as my dad used to call his fellow residents at the b & c.) [I miss you and your humor, Dad.]
So what you perceive to be a sad situation, may be a time of fellowship. People so easily point a finger or make assumptions who have never been on the other side and truly have no clue as to what's really going on. Walk a mile in my (nursing) shoes then post again.
If your Mom has an elder law attorney, consider talking with her attorney about how planning for the changing care needs in the memory loss journey.
What is the prognosis from your Mom's physicians? How long will Assisted Living continue to be suitable?
With this information, and knowledge of your Mom's finances and resources, the attorney can give you some insights on how the house (a valuable asset) fits in with long term care planning.
If your Mom might need Medicaid to pay for nursing home care in the future, there are several different approaches to the real estate ownership that can be considered now.
Once you talk with an experienced elder law attorney about the Medicaid regulations in your state, in the context of your Mom's financial situation and her potential eligibility for other benefits, you'll have more facts and information to offer your brother on the decision to sell or hold on to the property.
That could help you and him manage the very real emotions that go with this time of transition.
My Dad's memory gets more confused for the rest of the day and the day after if there is a wrench thrown into his schedule, such as him going outside the facility to a doctor's appointment.