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My beautiful Mother passed on 12/27/12 at 10:45 am. She went peacefully and I know that her last moment on this here earth was a happy one for her as she saw everyone she needed to see.

I didn't like her suffering and I prayed to God that he stopped the suffering and help her. I know unrealistically I was hoping for a miracle and wanted God to make her better to give me more years with her. But instead the decision was to take her to be with my Father (who passed 17 years ago) and her family. My Mommy was 84 years young and looked great for her age. I do thank God for the time these last 4 years with her. After my son went off to college, I moved in with her to be her companion and then be her caregiver in time of need. During this time I learned so much about my Mother as a person, we shared so many special moments, I got to see her not only as the caring Mother and Grandmother that she was, but also as a person. And OMG what a great individual she was, she was a strong, interesting, intellectual and wonderful woman. I miss her more and more as people/family start going back to their own lives and I'm left alone in this house we shared. Everywhere I look I see her, something reminds me of her, what she would say, do, her smile, her special look. It will be a long time before I would be able to now try and make this house my own. She was here for 20 years, so everything/everywhere I look there are things that I know were special to her.

For so many years I have not been "me, Ana Maria" that now I don't know where to start. First I was the "mother of Richard"; then I became "the daughter of my dear Mother, her caregiver". I have many years ahead of me and I have no clue what to do with myself. I know it's a great opportunity to start something, but what?!?! I don't have the financial need to just get up and go somewhere to perhaps "find myself" and since I am unemployed I suppose I should look for a job. But at the same time, I don't want JUST a JOB I wanted to mean something, this is what I struggle with. I worked for so many years in marketing/advertising that it just became a job, i know that it is not my calling. How does one find themselves? How does one get over the hurt, the loneliness, the missing, the companionship? Thank you.

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Ana Maria, give yourself some time...it's a loss that you have suffered. But you have GREAT memories of your mom. Those memories will soon help you with your grieving process. Just let it happen don't try to rush it to heal. Try to maybe start a little hobby. Even if it's just reading to give yourself some time for your mind and heart to heal. God Bless you!
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My heart goes out to you Ana Maria. I send you love and huge hugs, and just wanted to say that you sound so much like your wonderful Mommy !!
I know from experience that Mom/daughter relationships can be so special that when you lose Mom, the hole left in your life seems so big that everything else falls through it !
It is early days for you and my advice (for what it's worth) would be to take each day as it comes and not rush into anything. I have found time and time again that the saying 'When a door closes, somewhere a window opens' is very true. Take time out, put one foot in front of the other (which is actually all any of us can do), and see where the path leads you. Embrace the memories of your lovely Mommy without regret, and enjoy the love you had for each other - which will stay with you always. Let it be a light in your darkest days.
On a more practical level, counselling is always good - and have you thought about maybe getting a dog (not for everyone, I know). A rescue hound or puppy may fulfill your need to keep on caring (very real for a lot of us) - and I have found the outdoors exercise, not to mention the fact that I allow my thoughts to wander free when I'm out walking, very beneficial.
I wish you well, and hope you stay with this site as long as you need to. There are so many wonderful people here - so willing to love and help you.
God Bless
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I am sorry to hear about your Mom Ana. I read your other post this morning and left comment there as well. I think you should at this time get into a bereavement group to help you get through this most difficult time. Your story is heartwarming and I feel your pain. I would not worry about a job right now. Take time for yourself and join a group and stay here in this site! I am a writer and from what I am reading from you - you are a writer too. Grab that journal and start writing everyday to get those feelings out on paper. I have written so many poems and blogs and it does help me with my feelings when I write. Sending you love and hugs today and the days ahead. Please know I am here for you as there are also so many wonderful caretakers on this site. God Bless you Ana.
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Sending hugs and prayers for you at this time of loss. May all your happy memories soon bring you comfort.

You were a loving, wonderful daughter and caregiver for your Mother. Take care of yourself right now. I agree with everything crystal1224 wrote. A breavement group can be a real blessing for you right now.

Your Mother sounds like the kind of Mom who would want you to get on with your life. Give yourself time but do something positive everyday that helps you move forward. God bless you.
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Dear Ana,

I am sending you hugs and my condolences. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to face life at this time. As others have mentioned, a grief support group can be helpful. If you belong to a church, you may want to get counseling through them. Whatever you do, please do not isolate yourself.

May God give you strength and clarity in your journey. Just know that you are loved very much.

Godsbeautiful
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Ana Maria, my condolences on the loss of your terrific mother. How wonderful that you came to know her as a friend.

Mother died only a few days ago. Give yourself time. You will find your way. For now, don't make any decisions more profound than what to do with your mother's clothing. My husband died at the end of November and I am now slowly coming out of the fog. The grieving process takes time.
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You are so welcome and you know friend I cried when I read your post and your letter. I feel the same way. Somedays I get so frustrated being the caretaker I forget I am the daughter that I used to be. Does that sound crazy? It is hard to watch our parents suffer and I pray to God he forgives me when my patience runs out. I have to step back and compose myself so many times as I know I am just totally stressed out and it is not my fathers fault. Your story touched me in such a way made me think of my own situation. I have an ill mother as well so it is hard that I can not be there at her home for her when I am devoting all my time to my father. I just can not be two places at one time and that alone stresses me out. I pray much. I love much. I cry many. God Bless you for all you did for your mother. She is beaming down on you and sends you healing love.
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Crystal, thank you for your kind words. You know, I continue to speak with her as if she was still here. I even find myself repeating things louder as she was hard of hearing as well. It keeps me calm most times. Other times, I just miss her horribly. I'm going through the motions as we speak... contacting debtors, going through her things, changing things around and I feel guilty about that because when I want to give something away or donate, it pains me to know that if she was here she would not like it. She loved to save everything, I mean everything. But the house is very small and it was always so tight, I would like to make it my own, but without pushing her stuff out, do you know what I mean? As for you, my dear Crystal, please do not feel guilty about what you are doing for your father, but can't for your mother... after all we are only one. What you do is awesome and as you said my Mom is beaming down on me, so will your parents even if you weren't there for the both of them. They know that we too have our limits. I'm sure I mentioned this in one of my posts, but when you lose your patience with your loved one, don't forget to apologize and explain the reason why you lost it so that they understand that it's not against them, but against the situation. They understand and they don't judge you. You know I had a lady come into our home that my Mother used to speak to all the time and she told me that my Mother knew me for my character, but she also knew that I loved her. I'm glad to know that she knew I loved her. It gives me peace. I wish we lived closer to one another so I can come give you a much needed break. It would be awesome if this forum allowed us to meet. We need the emotional support and sometimes just to lean on each other. It's funny, I would need a break from sometimes taking care of Mom, but I know that if I stepped away for an hour to care for someone else, it would have given me some peace, I think.
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Ana Maria, I too just lost my mother on January 1st. The grief is so strong, yet the agony of seeing her suffer is gone. I am thankful for this group of people who are helping me through it. I'm going to take their advice and check out a bereavement group. I know how hard it is, since I had my mom living with me for 32 years. It is so different without her here. I know it has only been a week, but I still cry every day. I know this pain will pass but right now it is deep and I am sad. You have my deepest sympathy.
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Nanieine, I'm very sorry for your loss. It is not easy to see them gone even, as you said, we know they are no longer suffering. I think one should cry, scream, get mad, whatever you want to do... as far as I'm concerned this is normal. As you know, my Mommy passed on the 27th and I still find myself speaking to her as if she was here, physically that is, because remember she is with us in spirit and our hearts no matter where we are. My crying has subsided just a bit over nothing, but when I find myself doing something I know she would enjoy or even when taking a shower I remember her saying "the water it's too hot, Anita." I have her ashes in my room until we take her to her resting place back in Chile; so when I look at that box containing my Mother, I instead look at her picture, give her a kiss and say "good morning" as if she were still here.

Passing during the holidays is never easy for those that are left behind, but I can tell you my Father passed 18 years ago and his birthday was on the 1st, so after every New Year, we always cheer and sang Happy Birthday to him and we did it without pain. I am hoping that this will someday be true for you as well when celebrating New Year. In the meantime, my friend cry, grieve, and get mad, but know that all this is normal and once our hearts are at peace I believe the hurt will be gone and the great memories will only be the ones we remember. My heart goes out to you.
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