How do I talk my Mom into AL. And how do we pay for that ? Right now she’s having private care coming in against Her will but we didn’t give her a choice. She doesn’t want to be alone but we have no one to stay there. She’s demanding, mean, hateful, and very jealous of everything. There is no sign of Dementia. She’s just refusing anything that will help her get stronger. Her money will run out. She won’t make financial decisions. We were told if we leave her on her own it’s abandonment. But we cannot stay due to work and my own sanity.
People want a lot of things but that does not mean they are always reasonable wishes in the hard cold reality of the real world of elder care. So, your mom does not want to be alone yet no one can/will stay with her. Except the paid care that she does not want. Very common but hiring care without her approval is the way to go since she is obviously not making good choices at this time.
She won't try to get better? Won't walk? You have to wonder what in the world she is thinking. You say no signs of dementia but given her age and this inability to make reasonable decisions, maybe there is something going on in that department? Worth looking into?
If she has never had a cognitive exam, it means that she very well could have dementia, as the behavior that you describe is in line with it. Even if "she was always like that"...it would amplify these traits. Let us know if she's ever been tested.
FYI it is important that she assign the PoA FIRST before having a cognitive exam. This is because she legally cannot create a PoA if she is "incapacitated" with dementia. And someone could contest the PoA, if this is a possible issue.
At this point in her care, it is really no longer about what only she wants. You don't want to be her caregiver. She doesn't want to be alone. The perfect answer is LTC (because I think she is medically beyond AL), whether she likes it or not. But a lot hinges on your having PoA and her having (or not having) dementia. Please provide that info so that the forum participants can help you more fully.
If the county takes guardianship, you will certainly be allowed to carry on your relationship with her, but the county decides what NH and makes medical decisions on her behalf, with which you may not agree or may be inconveniently located (FYI they will put her in a county facility). They may seek your input but they are not there to make the family happy. If your mom has a lot of financial assets, I'm not sure they are obligated to tell anyone how they are spending it and what might be left when she passes.
So, you need to decide your participation level in your mom's care. For some problems there are not perfect solutions. I wish you peace in your heart as you decide.