I am severely disabled and I cannot care for myself let alone my 87 yr old mil who is in later stages of dementia and my husband who is 69 is showing signs of early to mid stage dementia he won't let me talk to his drs and denies it but he is starting to be very angry with me because I can't take care of he and his mother. Finally he is about to put her in a nursing home and resents me because he is having to. I am praying my disability will go thru soon as I am not able to work and have no friends or family to help me and he is getting more and more aggressive towards me and no matter how calm I try to be he accuses me of being hateful towards him. He is still working and he is only able to pay Bill's when I remind him. He does not want me on his bank account or to have a debit card because of what other women have done to him in the past. Please help I am at a loss as to what to do.
Make sure your doctor is fully informed of the situation with both your husband and mil. Ask for a referral to a social worker.
Send a letter to his doctor outlining your concerns, again about both of them. His doctor cannot talk to you with out his permission, but you can express your concerns. Let him know you are financially vulnerable too.
When your disability is approved make sure it goes into your own bank account that he does not have access to at all.
Do you have up to date wills and POA documents? If not please try to get them organized. If he will not, you need to do it for yourself, but do not assign him as POA for you if he is already exhibiting signs of dementia.
Whether your husband has dementia or not is not important, because he is definitely showing tendencies of an abusive husband. the fact that he will not put your name on the bank account and refuses to let you have a debit card are huge red flags. He is controlling you financially! It also sounds as if you are being isolated and his aggression is escalating. These are all classic signs of an abuser.
I agree with others who have advised you to get out as soon as you are able. Please do as others have advised and make sure your disability goes into an account in your name only. Even if you decide to stay with him, I would make sure this happens. He should understand. After all, isn't that what he is doing?
If you do decide to leave, please don't let him know in advance, as this is when abusers become most dangerous.
Good luck, God Bless, and please, please be safe!!! Hugs and prayers!!