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My mother in law is a natural introvert and she just has a lousy appetite these days. She has a severe aortic stenosis and is tired a lot and just needs to be quiet and rest, but the facility is so obsessed about the importance of socialization and participation in activities that they won't leave her alone. So many AL's are like this. Have they never heard of introverts? They want to 'get to know her' and 'learn her interests'. Her interests are that she likes to be by herself and watch TV or read. How do we get them to back off?

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My mother has not left her ALF apartment in 2 years. Both parents have never attended any activity. The ALF has many kinds of activities art, service animals,
music, happy hour blues band, you name it. The library in the facility has at least 5,000 books in good condition. The staff has tried to get them out. They have given up too. It's up to my parents to show up. I don't stress about it anymore.
I didn't sign up to be the entertainment committee. It is what it is.
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Pumpkin93: Perhaps you can speak to the activities director.
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You need to have a talk with the Activities Director. Not sure how long your MIL has been a resident but from the facilities point of view, one of their biggest criticisms is that "they have old people just sitting around with no activities and nothing for them to do. That should be against the law". Well now in many states, it is now mandated that facilities offer activities. The staff just needs a little help on realizing when they need to back of on the activities for your Mom although they should continue to make sure she is aware of all activities.

Some of us just love being with ourselves! Have them read some of the articles previously suggested.
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talk with eldercare attorney - need to have POA for finance and health if they don't already exist. Having POA gives more authority to deal with facility and also entitles you to get info from her doctors -which could include recommendation on addressing activities. It may be that all facility needs to do is document the offers of activities offered and then can back off if that's what you want.

Small facilities are around that could be a good option
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Educate them about Introverts, I have to do that everywhere I go. Even for other introverts to understand themselves, we are wired differently.

Introverts get their energy from being alone, extroverts from being in groups.

People who push introverts I call “Shell Tappers” they beat on a turtle’s shell to get it to come out but cause the opposite to happen.

A mutual understanding needs to come from both introverts and extroverts.
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My mom is typically an introvert, but once in a blue moon she might decide to participate in a project. I would let them ask if she's interested. She might surprise you.
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Suggest to the Activities Director that she read “Quiet” by Susan Cain and she can better understand your MIL. It should be mandatory reading for someone like an AD.


https://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153
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When I was in the nursing home, I did not want to be involved in their social stuff and I told them so. After many refusals they finally got the hint. I also did not want to eat with strangers. I paid an extra daily fee to have my meals served in my room. I'm not a true introvert; I simply like to do things on my own terms.
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JoAnn29 avatar
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JoAnn29 May 2022
I am with you.
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Good morning, Pumpkin93..I went through the exact same situation with my Mom. Several well-intentioned staff members tried to have my very-introverted Mom participate. It never went well, as she complained & “reprimanded” them for forcing her to do things. I talked to the MC Director(s) & lead nurse. They changed their interaction with her, asking her if she wanted to be wheeled into the perimeter of the activity area to watch.. That worked great!

I hope this helps, prayers to you & Mom
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I was a practicing clinical psychologist prior to retirement. I was very impressed by the small homes for residents that I encountered, and their managers. (This was surely a very positive sample, however.) It might be a good fit for your Mom. Also, with very introverted people, I found that they might want to be around others, but just weren't up to chit chat or required interaction. So activities where she could sit and listen but not be required to participate might be helpful. In fact, you might consider accompanying her to a few to see if that helped her join in a bit. I think, as mentioned, music, movies, lectures, out on the patio in the sunshine.Does she like animals, some have visiting pups and cats? Is there someone visiting residents with library books or recommendations for kindle. Just situations where she doesn't have to manage the casual interaction that some of us find entertaining, but others find painful. Explore a bit, and do visit one of the small homes to see if there is one that is a fit for her. By the way, I don't believe they are less expensive, just offer different, individually attuned care and interaction. Usually about four or five residents, if that, with an owner and caretakers that rotate.
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Isthisrealyreal avatar
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Isthisrealyreal May 2022
They are definitely cheaper where I live and depending on whether the house has a sprinkler system or not, they can have 10 or more residents.
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My best friend currently works as the Activities Director at a nursing home and prior to that worked for supportive & assisted living centers. Yes, its her job to engage residents in activities, but moreover the STATE requires her to document activities that are being offered, who participates, etc., She has to document in each resident's file daily. The state inspector scrutinizes her calendars and activities to be sure they're well-rounded and meeting the variety of residents' needs. She does have a number of residents that she offers one-on-one time to, as they prefer it or are not able to participate in group activities. She says that as long as its charted that your mother refuses to participate, then absolutely, they should leave her alone, but it has to be charted. If the State inspector speaks with your mother, she would also need to tell them she has no desire (refuses) to participate...or else my friend has to go back and start trying to coax her to. But part of that is getting to know her and if there are activities they don't currently offer that she might actually enjoy. Socialization is important to residents well-being, and sometimes "well meaning" staff just feels inclined to encourage them to come out of their rooms, but the Activities Director or Assistants should not be if its documented that she refuses.
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Go to the administration and tell them to stop. There no were in contract to live there that states she has to go to activities. And would help for MIL to speak up when asked. My client does not go because that just not her thing. They have the right to say NO .
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What do you mean, "they won't leave her alone." What are they doing? And who, preferably by job title, is "they"?
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Have a meeting with the Administrator and Activities director. Explain that Moms health problem tires her. Say that she is perfectly happy being alone in her room. That she feels she is being "pushed" into something she doesn't want to participate in. That she is naturally an introvert.

At Moms AL they did go to ea room and remind the resident that an activity was starting, an entertaiment or a party. My Mom had Dementia and she liked watching people. There should be a calendar of daily activities where family members can see it. Maybe you can pick something that Mom would enjoy and join her. I always liked the man who came and sang 40s/50s and 60s music. Mom would tap her hand to the ryhmn.

When my time comes I will enter an AL. I spend most of my time in my Den so a room in an Al will not be much different. I want to be able, though, to come and go as I please. The one AL we looked at was a little too high for the money she had but I liked the set up. One thing was that meals had a variety of things to eat. That if you didn't want to eat with others, you could take your food back to your room. For me, sometimes I want to socialize and other times I don't.
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I would find a board and care home for her.

They don't have all the amenities and activities and you aren't paying for something she won't utilize.

The AL is just doing it's job. Many people refuse to participate in the beginning and their job is to provide enrichment activities.

This situation is why an independent needs assessment should be done, because a facility will say they can meet needs when they aren't the best fit.
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Even introverts need some socialisation. Maybe 1 activity a week?

Otherwise I would be suspecting depression..

Bring on the 80s discos for me 💃 but once a week is enough.
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Speak with the facility. It is of course difficult for an introvert to live in ALF. My bro was more or less a "monk" by nature. He did adjust. He said it reminded him of the communes of the 60s where everyone had a bicker and everyone had meetings on Friday eve to work things out.
They of course will continue to offer, but once you speak with the persons in charge of activities (there is always one) and explain the nature of your MIL you may be able to help get things logged into the care plan. And of course, they ARE learning about her. And they WILL learn what she likes and what she doesn't.
She may also surprise you. Suddenly there was my brother going on the tour bus to see the homes of the stars and going to the movies and picking roses for the communal dining room table, and being the treasurer for their small fund for gift giving, and so on. Mostly he remained on the sidelines people watching, and people gave him his space when they knew him.
The facility is doing just what it should be doing. That your MIL doesn't wish to participate in art classes or whatever, animal visits, tours, is fine. They will learn this and she will learn to tell them "no".
I myself an introverted, but I would resent not being asked to bingo if everyone ELSE was! Just sayin.................
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Discuss with the director what sorts of fun your mom likes. Outgoing people rarely understand that quiet people are not unhappy having alone time. That said, as a seriously introverted person myself, some interaction will be good for her and she'll feel more comfortable as she gets to know people. If this is a large assisted living facility, as an introvert, your mom will not feel comfortable participating in noisy group activities. She might rather be encouraged to join in smaller groups of singing or crafts, or even one on one chats. For instance, pairing her up with another resident in a quiet space to talk about their lives or bringing in a dog for pet therapy. If music is being offered, perhaps she could be placed out of the main room where she can hear, but not be in the crowd. But mostly the director should eventually understand by your repeating over and over that your mom needs quiet time. Just a little interaction goes a long way for her.
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Let the director know that she prefers not to participate, can be put in care plan…
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For my mom, it helped that the Activities Director sat down and talked with mom in her room to get to know her. She realized that my mom was a quiet, not very social lady who wanted no part in boisterous activities. She DID enjoy religious services, the occasional card game and pet visits.
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