My husband and I have had my FIL living with our family for the last year, as we relocated to a new state and brought him with us due to his diagnosis and decline at the time of our move, as well as the opportunity for better treatments here.
Over the last year, despite his diagnosis getting worse ( metastatic prostate cancer resistant to chemo), he has become somewhat independent again. He handles his own appointments, medical care, financials, still drives ( although he has had 3 minor accidents)... Our issue is, he does not share any medical info with us. I posted a week a go about not knowing how careful to be after chemo ( in terms of housekeeping after), and now he's recovering from a surgically repaired broken arm and won't tell us what his MD said in terms of whether its healed or not. He says it is none of our da-n business.
We do have a caregiver 2x a week that comes and tidies his room, offers companionship, launders linens and cooks/does errands for and with him. They've noticed confusion with him and have shared their observations with us, which my husband and I both see as well.
We do not have POA over him. He is a retired attorney and is adamant that he is able minded and bodied and in no way incapacitated and refuses to entertain the idea of giving his son POA. We want it so that we can contact his Doctors and get an idea of what is going on since he won't share and lives under our roof. I understand his desire for privacy, but with 3 young kids in the house, we would like to be more in tune with where he is at in his cancer journey so that we can support him and keep him ( and others) safe if in fact, his mental abilities are being affected.
Edit to add: We have had multiple conversations and pleaded with him for info. We're just about at the point of tough love--telling him share info with us, or move out. I don't want to do that, as we are all he has here. I just need some advice as to how to encourage compromise.
Your FIL’s confusion and 3 car accidents is a problem . You could try contacting DMV to retest him , maybe he’ll fail and they will take his license . My FIL with dementia was the same as far as capacity , insisting his “ brain is as good as ever.”
Tough love might be what you have to do . Then when he’s out of your home you call APS when he is not safe at home . Then he can be placed in a facility . Your husband could then try for guardianship .
If my MIL does not assign POA , my husband ( her son ) will not seek , nor accept an offer of ( emergency ) guardianship , if something happens . She lives too far away , it would be too difficult . It is more involved than POA with court dates etc. She will become a ward of the state if she becomes incapacitated . We’ve told her this in the past . We are visiting her next week to remind her of that .
Good Luck . I know it doesn’t feel good at all to make FIL move out . But your children’s well-being come first . They deserve a normal household , not strife .
He was a lawyer , he knew better that he should have had a POA. He made his bed .
But he feels no like obligation to you.
Therefore this is a very uneven relationship, and that's one I wouldn't live with.
So I would be sitting Dad down (and this is his SON'S job, his CHILD'S job, not yours) and I would say:
"We have taken you into our home to help you when you needed help.
If you don't need our help any longer we will now assist you in finding a nice place to live, whether IL, ALF or an efficiency apartment. We will continue to support you.
HOWEVER: If you are to live in OUR HOME then these are the rules:
1. We need to visit an elder law attorney and get important papers in place. This would be your will or trust, your POA, your advance directive. We will be, if you choose to live here, insisting that we are your POA to protect you.
2. During this visit we will do contract work for shared living expenses. This will include mortgage, upkeep, utilities, food, services we provide. We will discuss privacy expectations. We will put in how often this will be re evaluated and when it isn't working for ONE of us then it isn't working and we will assist you in finding your place to live.
4. We will expect to know from you what medications you are on in treatment. Some medications require careful handling when cleaning (and truth is this is urine and feces; you don't want to handle that ANYWAY). We will also want a medical evaluation and a list of illnesses and limitations. A good neuro exam will be part of this.
Hey, Dad's an ATTORNEY. He will GET it. As a matter of fact he will respect it as right now he doesn't respect much at all, does he. AND if he doesn't respect much at all my question to you is what is he doing in your home.
Sorry to be so blunt, but these are the facts and he would understand them when they are calmly and lovingly enumerated to him. And if he doesn't, then he needs to move on.
My vote is , try what Alva says , although I’m not optimistic as the guy seems to have anosognosia as far as his cognitive issues which points to dementia .
POA or he gets out . This will only get worse and I’m a strong believer in kids not living in a home with a stubborn elder with dementia . It’s very stressful on the whole family.
If he does not need or want your help nor is he willing to be transparent with you he can find other place to reside.
You can not "force" him to give you information.
However you might want to ask him what his wishes are if something were to happen and he can not make decisions for himself. Does he want you (your husband) to make decisions or does he want a Court Appointed Guardian to make decisions. (a hospital might have to get an emergency court order if there is no one that can make decisions)
If you do the "tough love" as you call it and tell him that he has to find other housing he still has you as family so you are not completely abandoning him.
He needs to realize without you getting POA, that if he ever becomes incompetent, you have no say in his care. Doctors will do what they see fit and the State may take over his care because he left no one to be his POA. A person who only has his best interest at heart. If your Dad was not like this before, then dementia could be setting in.
I would call the Drs office and talk to a nurse. Tell her the situation and that Dad will not give you any info about his care. That you are very aware that HIPAA does not allow the Doctor to give out his info, but you need them to know how it is when he returns home.