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My mother has always been fairly dramatic but it has gotten way out of hand. My father was in Pearl Harbor and she told some acquaintances that he shot down a kamikaze plane. That never happened. The next one was that she served in the military. Also never happened; the government paid for her nurse's training during WWII because they need the medical personnel. The war ended when she was half way through her training. She never served at all. I am sometimes at my wits end - when I correct her she gets really upset with me. But I feel I am not doing her a kindness by letting her tell theses whoppers. Should I just let her continue with this without correction or should I correct her. My mom was the type of person who was VERY correct and the worst thing that could happen to her was to be embarrassed. I don't know which would be the best. If she was in her right mind this wouldn't be happening. Her dementia came on fast about a year ago and she is losing ground every day. She'll be 90 on 02/24.

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My mother and my mother-in-law were polar opposites. My mom was kind and loving. My MIL was mentally ill with clinical depression -never sought doc help but took it out badly on her 6 children. She made them wear food on top their heads. No lie.
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Sounds like you're going to have to start calling one of them while you're there for documenting. Some people tend to believe the negative side of things even when they are told differently. Do you think your mother doesn't remember or if she is just looking for sympathy?
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my mother tells anyone who will listen that I "never" visit or talk to her. She tells this to family mostly who are out of state and believe her, then call me up and scold me or I hear through grapevine how awful I am since I live so close by. sigh...all my mother's sisters are out of state, elderly themselves but don't have Alzheimer's. They are not the most educated lot and don't understand the dynamics of Alzheimer's even though I've explained until I'm blue in the face. Still, they believe everything she says. So I'm the "bad" daughter in the eyes of the family. Nice feeling :(
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Thanklessjob, my mother has also never been a loving mother. There were no hugs and kisses. She did make sure we got fed. In fact, we got fat. But there was no affection shown. It was even kind of awkward when we came home for holidays as adults. There were forced hugs, because we thought that's what we needed to be doing. There has never been any warmth in family hugs, though. It is a shame.

I grew up to not be a hugger. My father was mildly autistic, so wasn't a hugger, either. Now I make myself touch other people, because I know that it is something that is missing in myself. My mother is still an island. That is okay with me, because I don't have any need to hug or make over her.

I certainly do envy the people with close families. But we get the family we're born into. It could be worse, I'm sure.
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ohJude,
Thank you SO much for sharing that your mom was not physically loving to you as a child and how that impacted you. I thought I was the only one with a mother like that. I didn't think any one else felt that way or understood it. With your honesty, you have freed me from feeling guilty for not wanting to be physical with my mom. I also feel disgusted/repulsed when I have to get close to her, and, no, not many folks understand that.
My mom was a cold fish to me all of my childhood. If I mention that fact in a conversation, people really don't believe me. (How could a mother not gobble up hugs and kisses from their child?)
When I was 5, I went running to my mom with open arms. She put her hands up in front of her and said, "No, you'll muss my hair." I was crushed. I learned very young how much I meant to her. I vowed I'd NEVER push my son away if he wanted to hug or touch me and I was very physically loving to him.

I, too, am repulsed by having to be physical or touch my mother. I'm able to show physical affection with many other people (including my dad, when he was alive) but not her. It seems so phony and she doesn't enjoy it either.
She's very mean to me now that she has Alzheimer's and berates me any time she can. I've taken her abuse for months and can't get over it. From now on, I won't be visiting her very often. She verbally attacks me and I leave, feeling mad, hurt and, somehow, like a bad daughter. Neither one of us enjoy the visits, so what's the use. I'm just glad I got to be a better mother to my son than she was to me.
I hope the Good Lord takes me long before I would have symptoms of this awful disease.
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Counseling is good advice for people. I was in counseling for years when I was younger. It was to help me work through panic disorder. Then I got into a group for adult children from dysfunctional families. I learned a lot. LadyDiane, it sounds like you handled things so well. I often wish that it would be easy for me to move. That sounds so refreshing to get into my own fresh, clean place. You are right that anger can be so harmful to us. I have personally aged 20 years in this last six.

I do have to say that getting into counseling is not easy. Finding one that is the right one for us can be a challenge. I can remember one good counselor that I had, and she was someone who was teaching relaxation. It can be hard to find a counselor we click with -- or at least it is for me. I do like groups of people if they are functioning well.
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JessieBelle and all of us - go to counseling. Not just a friend or church member (if that's your thing), but a "real" counselor. It's only 1 hr. a week. What a gift to give yourself! And if income is problem, there are usually alternatives. In my town we have at least one who takes Medicare (I qualify as being disabled - btw I learn a lot from this site!), a center which only charges $25 per session, and a Jewish service that provides it for free!

Only one hr. per week. Your sanity is worth it. "Absorbing the anger" is the very worst you could do to yourself. I'm telling you, you might as well do drugs, smoke cigarettes - it's that toxic to you, physically, mentally, even neurologically. It can compromise your immune system. I had a lifetime of stress until I was diagnosed with MS and shortly thereafter went into longterm counseling. Could never have coped without, didn't even realize all the parts of my life that were affected by my stress.

So, JessieBelle, before I close, yes, I have the same type of mother, and she does not have dementia! And I have learned that for the most part, I cannot change her and therefore, I must "unload" my frustrations onto my therapist, who helps me tremendously and does not judge.

Unlike you, however, I am not my mother's caregiver and will never be. I was living with her and my Dad for 6 years until diagnosed, another year and I moved into independent, HUD subsidized apt. for disabled. But counseling in that early time taught me that I have options, emotional options at very least. Moving out was a huge physical option that benefited all, even though Mom was very much against it at first! She soon felt the comfort of not having to worry about every little thing I was doing. Now, my brother is there so he is going through the same, but you know, we're all on our own paths. We all have options, no matter our circumstance.

Your complaint is not petty or to be minimalized, I definitely can relate. And in fact, it shows a pattern that your mother won't or can't change. I hope you find the courage to seek out help for yourself. Perhaps a caregiver resource center is in your area. Even a caregiver support group. Not just online, in person. The energy is more potent. Blessings to you, I wish you inner freedom and peace.
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Go to support groups. Learn to stop being angry at delusions. Most of the time it is the disease, though sometimes it is the person. So what if they tell about doing something that never happened. Is it hurting anyone? Unless they were always abusive it is the disease.
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I think it must depend on the stage of the disease (and the tiredness of the caregiver). I've noticed with my aunt with memory issues (89) that if I tell her she's mistaken she looks at me like she knows she's right but she will humor me. Every great once in awhile, she is right about an event that sounded like it was a whopper but turned out to be true. So I try not to assume if I don't truly know and ask a lot of questions. If she can't answer the questions she will say "I may have made that up". It is like she searches her memory bank and can't find anymore details. She intellectually knows she has problems remembering things correctly. She forgets that sometimes. When she is met with confused expressions she sometimes, not always, remembers her memory issues. We don't argue about it. She isn't hurtful. Just fantastical.
My mother had a habit with people who would get carried away with their stories. She would just tilt her head and wink at the other person in the room. The wink implied, no harm, no foul but let's not question her. Of course I wouldn't want some of the elders I read about on here to see that wink. There would be heck to pay. I get it that it's a little easier to just wink rather than correct when you aren't worn out with what feels like their shenanigans instead of confragulations.
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Here is a major DVD that addresses training
Alzheimer's Dementia Hands-On Care DVD:
"The Art of Caregiving" with Care Expert Teepa Snowgets high reviews
post on "Mainzone Knowledge Network"
862 posts, last published on Feb 19, 2016
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I agree with assandache7. Dementia is a slow journey and I would not correct her. Chances are the people that she is talking with know that she is "embellishing" and others you can give a heads up that this happens and to go with it. My dad is 93, pretty sharp however for about the last 1 1/2 years he has started getting things and stories wrong. I used to correct him and now I just go with it unless it's something medical and a dr. needs to know. They truly believe what they are saying is real. Mom and I were driving in the car before she went to facility and she told me she just had to get home because her father would be there and didn't want to miss his visit. She has been estranged from her father since she was 12 and who knows if he was even alive then. I did tell her I didn't think he was coming and she KNEW he was. You can't talk that down.....just go with it. If it's that important to you, take the people aside and tell them she has seen it in a dream or something. Good Luck and God Bless
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Oh Uncle Dave you are so right about the lack of training and skills that familial carers are given. In a world where there is a growing expectation that children will take on the role (dues to the soaring costs of care) there is still no training. I can't GET training and I have asked for it. And I am not talking about someone telling me what dementia is - I can look that up for myself. I am talking about the nuts and bolts of caregiving to family members because make no mistake it is far easier to care for someone outside the family. There is no emotional turmoil - you just go in you do your job and you leave. As a familial carer you touch parts of a body you never expected to have to touch, you have to deal with outbursts at you that while in your heart you know they don't mean you still can't unhear them as it were. It's tough and confabulation to others about you in front of you very often EVEN when you know it to be their reality still hurts and still 'feels' like lying. It's really difficult to associate with confabulation when in your whole life there has only ever been 2 things lies and truth. So I sort of understand why the term lying is used. While to the user the tale is real to the listener, you just have to hope they understand and recognise confabulation too.
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Thankless when the senior consultant who diagnosed my Mum as having mixed dementia he took the time to explain a little bit about it. Because dementia is, by its very nature, a decline in mental capacity in the words of a song something has to give and it does - in boat loads at times, at other times not so much. What was really significant was the he said the real problems for you will be that your Mums good traits AND more noticeably her bad traits will become extremely exaggerated (unfortunate because Mum didn't have a lot of good traits but she sure had a lot of bad ones!).

As time goes by other things are becoming really difficult. My mother was never a touchy feely sort of person so we never kissed each other goodnight etc not even as a kid but now her dependency personality disorder has kicked in and she wants lots of hugs and cuddles and I can't do that at all. it is absolutely WAAAAAAAAAAY out of my comfort zone and if someone said you have to hug and cuddle Mum I would stop care giving to her in a heart beat. It would make me physically sick - may seem odd to you but it is reality for me.

So when you get to be a confused happy old fart just know now that you will also have some seriously irritating traits in there too! On the plus side you won't ever have to watch a repeat on tv - they will be 'new' every time you watch them
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It seems that the nasty people in life get nastier when they get dementia. :(
Too bad for us good guys, who have to deal with them.
Maybe if WE get dementia we'll be confused, happy old farts! ;)
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This is an eye-opening topic and I have such admiration of those of you that have been able to let the lies and confabs run off your backs. I know how extremely hard that must be, having your good name and reputation slandered and all the damage and fallout from that. Makes me wonder if my MIL may have been suffering from dementia for a long time. She was talking to my husband (her son) about 10 yrs ago on the phone claiming that my mother had called her up asking why she didn't want her son to marry me. (We had been married for about 30 yrs at the time). We knew that couldn't be true because my mom didn't even have his mother's phone number and they were barely acquaintances, living 1200 mi apart. I asked my mother about it and she flatly denied she ever called his mom or had that conversation. So my husband felt very hurt by his mother's claim, assuming she was trying to stir up trouble for us, and never spoke to her again. Not understanding anything about dementia - that possibility didn't even occur to us at the time - even though she was in her late 70's - he and I both assumed she was just deliberately spewing nasty stuff to turn us against my mother. She was a very nasty person in general, so this was not out of character for her in the least. She died a few months ago at age 88. As it turns out, 23 yrs ago she had willed all of her estate to one son leaving my husband and the other 3 siblings out of her will, not even a mention. This had been done about 12 yrs prior to that last conversation he had with her, so by then she had already disowned him and three siblings unbeknownst to them. So in retrospect he doesn't feel too bad about cutting ties with her when he did. She had made the conscious decision to exclude all but one of her adult children from receiving anything, not even a photo, from what remained of their family life and home. Her fav son that inherited everything is now giving stuff away to neighbors, strangers, anyone but family - we are told. I guess that was her wish. So be it, no regrets. Glad we didn't make idiots of ourselves more than we did - my husband would call and offer to pay for her to come to our kids' graduations, etc. She wouldn't want to waste her own money on coming to see us. She would come begrudgingly on our dime and then badmouth us afterward. For example, one of her daughters asked her how big our house was, and she told her "I don't know, they just stuck me in a room". Total lie. We had bent over backwards to welcome her into our house and that's the thanks we get?? I hate to be cold-hearted but some people are just more likeable dead when they can no longer hurt others!!
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{QUOTE}If it's long-standing drama & a tiny bit of dementia gently embarrassing them might work ("now we had this talk about you not telling tall tales. One day someone might believe them and you could get in real trouble").
I've seen a caregiver (justifiably) become irate and threaten to quit, which was also effective (caregiver was the most patient person ever, but had finally had it with the lying).{END QUOTE}
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finally had it with the lying

Confabulation is NOT lying.

Confabulation shows increasing cognitive decline.

People say things containing information that is blatantly false, tell of actions that inaccurately describe history, background and present situations.

They are coherent, internally consistent, and appear relatively normal. This despite contradicting evidence.

Confabulation is distinct from lying because there is typically no intent to deceive and the person is unaware that the information is false.

Help the caregiver to recognize the person is not lying.

quote from: Ethelle Lord, DM  "I found something worse than receiving a diagnosis of Alzheimer's. It is not getting the workforce trained in time to care for persons living with Alzheimer's whether at home or in a care center." Ethelle Lord is President remembering4you based in Maine

confabulations are a major annoyance  when friends, family, and the medical community take everything our loved ones say at face value, no matter how false we know their statements to be alzcompend?p=293
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If it's long-standing drama & a tiny bit of dementia gently embarrassing them might work ("now we had this talk about you not telling tall tales. One day someone might believe them and you could get in real trouble").
I've seen a caregiver (justifiably) become irate and threaten to quit, which was also effective (caregiver was the most patient person ever, but had finally had it with the lying).
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if x is told no that is not true,x gets really mad

Beauty of confabulation the teller truly believes the story is factual and true
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Her "other, younger " mind has left the building. Just go with the flow
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Jude, hang in there. Good luck with the move to your new home!
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I don't know why some of these Hollywood stars don't know when to stop with the botox and facelifts...they end up looking like chimps with a too wide mouth or.who wants to end up looking like The Joker from Batman!?? Some of these people don't know when to call it quits and live off the stashed income...if they have any, because their big egos won't let them quit. I guess it gives the rest of us something to wonder about....
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Oh Jude, that would have been a hard one to take. I admire your fortitude and ability to continue keeping on in the face of Mum's harsh words.

I'm dying laughing over here at the "spank me and make me write bad checks" phrase....I think that may be my new favorite line. And if anyone could get me there, it would be Sam Elliot - but you're right - even our favorite actors age, and reach that point where the attractive face and gravelly voice come with a set of circumstances none of us wants to deal with! Mom just loves Tom Selleck - he's the only star I've ever heard her gush over - as in, "He could eat crackers in my bed anytime!" (Oh my gosh, Mom...LOL) I recently showed her a picture of one of her favorite movie stars - Kirk Douglas, who recently turned 99 years old - she was shocked at his appearance and talked about it for days. Thinking maybe I shouldn't have done that.

Just looked up Ray Liotta's new face....bad, bad Botox going on there.....I don't know why these stars feel they have to do that - be smart with the money you earn (millions in most cases), and let your face age naturally. When the movie offers stop coming in, relax and live on your stashed income.
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Oh Jude, I'm sorry she's being such a butthead! Once your move is all done, I'm quite sure she will Love it, and even though it will be a lot of work for you, the respite time away from here will do you the world of good! By the way, I Love Trifle! Yummy, we had one made my my eldest sister over Christmas! My Mom made the best of all my Aunties, but Lynnie can make a great one too! Wishing you all the best in the coming weeks and over your move to your gorgeous new home!
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Aw, Jude. Love coming at ya!
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Aww you daft lot I don't do nearly as much as some of you and I know the worst is yet to come but it is what it is. You see XXXX is Mums natural child I am adopted so it is understandable that if one of us had to die she would have preferred it to have been me but she didn't get to choose so its cool. I know she doesn't mean it and wouldn't say it if she didn't have dementia (if only because she would have known I would have walked out the door and never come back EVER). Plus dad would have come with me I suspect!

On the subject of humour She doesn't want to move now! Tough she's going. So she now is refusing respite - tough she's going and my daughter is taking her (if you think I am the tough cookie meet daughter she is waaaaaaay tougher than me) SO having lost 2 battles she refused dinner so in pure and utter frustration I refused to make a dessert (although I was tempted to make a trifle!)
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I agree Jessie...Jude is amazing...and still maintains her sense of humor and "go get em" attitude..Love it..and her!!!
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The thing is that we really know things could be true, but know that they can't have the things they want sometimes. We're it. Personally I think Jude is pretty cool and oh so tolerant. Few people could put up with what she tolerates. Jude, I hope you have a den you can escape to.
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If we all weren't such caring and compassionate people, Mum would have received a slap upside the head on my way out the door! We know, that must have hurt, even though it is totally untrue, Jude. One of the examples of when it is the disease talking, not the person, not the words.
Hoping there is a big turnaround for a better day ahead!
Must be Mum's naptime!
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I remember one time when Mama had been watching Law & Order or one of those cop shows and had gotten into her head that the feds were looking for her...she said she saw her picture on TV that she was one of America's most wanted..and she went and got the dress she was wearing when the picture was made.Said they were wearing her picture on their head....she showed me the dress and said don't ever show them this or I'm a goner....poor Mama.....
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Yeah the confabulations can be quite interesting. Sometimes they have a tenuous link to reality very often not the remotest link. Mum told me today that if it weren't for her we wouldn't have had any ships during WW2

Well we would have of course but she was sort of in the grain of truth for her job during the war was to lay the wooden decks of ships so I suppose without decks ......need I say more.

Mind you we did go from tenuous to stupid when she later said you know that trifle I made yesterday? Erm no - no-one in my family except my late father ate trifle and it was all Mum could do to microwave a meal 5 years ago let alone make a trifle yesterday. So instead of arguing O said we ate it all it was lovely....

Her response - I didn't like it was horrid and you only eat it because your Dad liked it - you never do anything I like - you should have died and XXXXX should have lived (my brother who died in infancy)

Oh well Mum you're stuck with me like it or lump it ....exit from room

Gonna be one of those days
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