Mom's health and mental ability have declined dramatically over the past 6 months. She lives with us and I have been doing everything for her, and she has gotten to the point where she says things that make no sense, says she can't walk then gets out of bed every 30 minutes and falls and moans and cries very loudly because she cannot get herself either to the bathroom or into her bed (right next door to the bathroom).
Last weekend she fell 4 times, the 4th time hitting her head and bleeding so we called the paramedics (she is on blood thinners and there was a LOT of bleeding) who took her to the hospital.
We told the social worker there that we just cannot do this any more. We are totally burnt out, cannot go anywhere together (one of us has to be there so she doesn't burn down the house or fall), and I cannot lift her from the ground so I have to keep calling my husband at work to run home and help. Employers will only stand for that for so long. We need to save some kind of $ for retirement- we have nothing and are in our 60's. I need to be able to work. Mom needs more care than I can physically and mentally give.
She was released to a rehab place for 5 days from the hospital. She calls and tells my husband she hates him and says the NH is telling her she is doing great and should be able to go home soon. But she just can't do it here. We just can't. We have no help, and she is abusive and manipulative and cruel while being sweet and kind to everyone else. I literally start to tear up and panic thinking of her returning to my house, she is so very mean. Will mess up her meds on purpose to make it look like I am not sorting them right. Will stop injecting her insulin so she can cause yet another 'emergency.' She has loud shouting ranting meltdowns and has swung at me (when I refused to let her do laundry at 3:30 am- husband works at 5 and she is LOUD - suddenly ABLE to walk???) and tells my husband she would like to kill him. It is hell. I don't know what the neighbors think at this point. It is making it difficult to even live here and we are actually considering selling our house.
My question is this - do we HAVE to let her return to our home? If we refuse to let her return, will that force her to make other arrangements, or can she force her way back? The doctors are saying she is of sound mind. If only they knew!!!
Despite all of this, we would like to see her in a place where she will get the care and attention she needs. But she will not give a POA to us, siblings want nothing to do with her, and we feel just flat out helpless and abused by the whole situation. If you have ever dealt with a narcissist, you understand that this is something she will feel she needs to 'win' at all cost so she can come home and passively make us do this, do EVERYTHING for her. One of her favorite retaliations is to shove things down the toilet to make a huge mess for us to clean up or not take her meds. Whatever she can still find to do to have some sort of power.
We have a phone meeting with the NH this afternoon. What should we be doing? Thanks in advance, I have been reading a lot in this forum and it is so good to know we are not completely alone in this. It amazes me how some think that all older people are sweet and kind and appreciative etc... not all of us are living that. It feels like we don't have control of our own home or our own lives. There is no peace. I think over 20 years is enough. Am I wrong?
Unless you live in your mother’s house, she cannot force her way back in unless, once again, you capitulate out of feelings of guilt or obligation and allow her back in. This is the time you must remain strong and determined, put yourselves first and send Mom to where she needs to be and YOU need her to be. If you allow her back in, then it is up to you to tolerate her until she passes.
You've done enough. More than enough. Good luck, and keep us updated!
Because your home has been your mother's home for that long... I have absolutely no idea what the legalities are in this situation, none.
Does she have any other home belonging to her? Any property anywhere, anywhere that you could claim as her place of permanent residence?
You can't go on, no, of course not; this is long, long past the point of enough. But I think you're going to need legal advice about what to do. Do you know where you can get some?
The problem you have is no POA to be able to force the issue if she is incompetent. The only other thing is allow the state to take over her care and they will set up a guardian. You may want to tell Mom this. If she doesn't allow you POA then the state will be responsible for her care. Tell the SW Mom has a personality disorder. That you metally cannot take it anymore. You too are a senior.
My sweet teenage son, who loved his grandmother, insisted we tell her to find a home for her dog because it was so unruly and my mother in law wouldn't take responsibility for it or anything. Went to counseling for that and the counselor said it was our house and she had to be respectful and follow our rules.
Right, to everyone else she was sweet and outgoing, but ungrateful, angry, demanding etc. to us. I could go on and on, you get the point.
Next time she goes to the hospital, and she is there for I believe, 48 or 72 hrs, you have to tell them you don't have a safe place for her. They have to find housing for her. They can take her social security, and money she has, and give her an allowance. They may argue with you and push you. But be kind to your mother, and kind to them and tell them we don't have a safe place for her. Which is true.
She needs help and safety and someone to be home with her all of the time.
You cannot supervise by yourself, true? Your husband has to leave work to pick her up off the floor. Her meds put her in an emergency situation, and you can't manage her insulin.
You don't have to explain all this necessarily. It's for her own safety though. She is going to hurt herself falling down.
Hang in there, you're not alone. I felt the same way. Not everyone should move their parent in with them. I even looked up advice on forums then went on the ignore them.
Someone else can be their caretaker and you can be her daughter and visit her once a week or twice a month, whichever takes care of your mental health and marriage.
Seek counseling about Boundaries if you need to.
Be well, with love,
gratefultoday
When your LO throws a fit - and she probably will - explain that her care has gotten to the place that she needs round the clock care with people who are stronger, available 24/7, and can make sure that her medications/treatments are completed.
I would also definitely seek the advice of an attorney. With no POA and a doctor that says she is competent, you may have to do more than say unsafe discharge to get her into a more appropriate setting and out of your home.
But, I would hold my line VERY firm with the SW at the rehab and with your mother. Stay calm. Do not get sucked into self-defense mode.
Best wishes... you are in a very rough spot.
What is so annoying about them is they are sooooo charming to everyone else but absolutely foul to you. My Mother has divided my children by moaning about me and my husband, that we never do enough, now she has dementia and my daughter 9who lives 350 miles away) says I am not doing enough to care for her. Quite frankly the way she has treated me over the years and her continual sniping and trying to run my life, she is lucky I even speak to her let alone care for her, but I am an only child.
Stick to your guns, you deserve some time for yourselves, prison sentences are not even that long. I bet your narcissist Mum didn't look after her parents and has never done anything for anyone else without some payback.
Yesterday we had a conference call from the NH we were able to place her in, and the nurse said that Mom has dementia. We recorded the call, so I have that on record. Mom called my husband at work yesterday to let him know that he is no longer her son and to please have her daughter call. When her daughter called, she experienced some 'out there' conversation for herself, and is very supportive of us which is a huge help to my husband's resolve that he did the right thing for her. People at his workplace have been supportive too, with many telling us they can't believe we lasted this long. We will probably have the state appoint someone to oversee her care and bow out of everything. Fortunately I researched and found we reside in a non filial state. The NH is being helpful, as far as we can tell, although the phone calls to my husband during work needs to stop. Obviously she has some nurse bamboozled into thinking that is ok and has her sympathy. We will have to stop answering for our own mental health.
We didn't realize the level of anxiety we were living in until during this past week on our own. It is still very hard to relax in any way (CV-19 is still lurking and my husband is deemed 'essential'). We haven't mastered that skill yet. But we have faith it is coming. The thought of actually doing things together once this season passes is very surreal, seeming almost too much to hope for. Still walking on eggshells and waiting for the other shoe to drop. When does that subside?
And you’re very right in not accepting the angry phone calls. I wish you peace as you reclaim your lives
As you noted, she is doing destructive things just to have a sense of power.
Time to set boundaries and get her OUT of your house for everyone's safety!
Unless she has been "paying rent" to you, she is not a tenant. She is a parasite.
The rest depends upon your mothers finances. If she has no money, the nursing home will help you to get her qualified for Medicaid, or if she does have money, she would stay on private pay or you could look at assisted-living for her. An AL would be much less expensive (which will make her money last longer) and a much less medical environment.
Not all nursing homes except Medicaid. If your moms does not they will offer choices of nursing homes where she could go.
What happens if you yourself was sick?
Mentally or physically?
Let's say you were dx'ed with something or your hubby became ill..
Personally, I would simply tell NH
things have changed & you are on verge of breakdown. Plz h.e.l.p us find housing.
It may not be 100% true but, they will work with you.
Goodluck
You need to tell them that she is not safe at home and that you can not safely care for her because she is always falling.
I would have a serious talk about stuffing items down the toilet to punish you. That would get a child spanked and then the bathroom would never be private again, I watch you and then the door gets locked so you can't ruin my house.
Why has your mom lived with you for 20 years? Just curious about the dynamics of the relationship.
I know what I did with my mother but she was a lot more pliable and trusted me.
But, one thing you need to do, immediately, is document everything, date, time, duration, medical usage, when she does and doesn't, etc. (get free evernote or some sort of note app). Might be time to break out the video on the phone but that can be a double-edged sword depending on what she's doing and how you react to it.
If you can, get the medical evaluations as Elaine pointed out. It'll be obvious to them and they're more dispassionate than you are. I know I missed the initial signs with my mother, although, admittedly here, it's writ large for all to see.
Also, a book called "Elder Rage" seems appropriate.
https://www.amazon.com/Elder-Rage-Take-Father-Please/dp/0967970318
Good luck.
Edit: As much of a pain in the ass as my father can be, man, I'm fortunate because he's done nothing like this.
The 20 years you have been caring for her have nothing to do with it, enough or not. She has reached a point in her medical (physical and mental) need where your family is unable to provide what she needs on your own. She needs more professional care that you could t provide even if you and your husband stopped working and were home full time, that’s not your fault and it’s not Moms fault, no guilt it’s just where your all at now.