What to do when parent doesn't like a caregiver?

Have you tried to spend some time at home with dad when the caregiver is there? It may help to get dad to trust her and enjoy her company even. Do some fun things together, the three of you.

is money an issue to hire someone from an agency?

ok I just read your profile. so it would seem he may need more care during the day than just 'checking up'

Dad is still in mourning for your mom. I’m sure the month you took off after her death went by in a painful blur for him. Because your mom was his caregiver he is not going to accept another woman “in his life” so to speak, He wants your mom back. And he realizes that’s not possible. I’d be willing to bet that anyone you hire now to come in will suffer the same criticism as the previous caregiver.

Unless I missed it someplace, you don’t say what Dad’s issues are. Is it dementia? In any case, even if all he does is sleep, leaving him alone with pop in visits during the day is risky. I babysit weekly for my grandsons and I don’t like leaving my bedridden husband. What if there were a fire?

What about Independent Living? If Dad is at all social, he may enjoy it and you will enjoy peace of mind.

Have you tried a male caregiver? I have a neighbor who's retired military in his 50s. His pension provides well but he likes a part time job for extra spending money. He provides respite care for an elderly gentlemen post stroke most mornings. Although the stroke victim had soundly rejected several previous caregivers, he loves my neighbor. My neighbor fixes breakfast, helps with a shower and shave, gets him dressed for the day, changes the bed, and sometimes fixes/starts lunch. They gossip like old buddies even though there's more than 25 years between them. He's been a real blessing to the 78 year old wife/caregiver who cannot physically help her husband in the shower.

Sciguy, if a Senior goes into Independent Living, it’s not required that they become a social butterfly. It’s a regular apartment, but there is help available if they need it. (Pull chains in the bathroom, panic buzzers in the other rooms, etc.)

Quitting yourjob to care for Dad who really isn’t at that stage yet isn’t doable unless you’re independently weathly. That’s why I asked about IL. He would be safe and still be “independent”. Just a thought.

It could just be a clash of personalities, she may feel that fussing over him is part of the job description and he may just want to be left alone. It can be challenging for a caregiver to spend the day in someone else's house and not DO anything. Does you dad enjoy any activities that she could participate in or would he prefer she make herself scarce unless needed? Do you have a list of things to keep her occupied that don't necessarily involve dad - meal prep, laundry etc?

My Mom was with us for almost 10 years before her death in March. She continued to think it was silly for us to think she needed someone there all the time (although she couldn’t remember how to find the refrigerator or fix herself a sandwich or cup of instant coffee, etc.). There were a couple of caregivers that she just had a personality clash with, and we did not keep them once she had registered her opinion. There were others she enjoyed. Some of those included a group of college students studying gerontology whose professor recommended them. They were more into visiting with her and enjoying things with her than anything that felt like “caregiving” or “nursing”, so my Mom actually enjoyed them. (There were 4 of them that rotated when we could not be there.). The other was a lovely neighbor we had who wanted to earn some extra income. Mom had seen her at social gatherings and we had shared dinners at their home and ours, so she was able to just see it as “Celeste is coming and we always have such a good visit”. The other interesting thing was that she would work hard for a male physical therapist, but not for females. There are so many small variables like that which make them either comfortable or uncomfortable. It will continue to unfold over time as you understand your father’s preferences better. Kudos to you for caring when some would just have the attitude of “he’ll just have to get used to her”. Especially with his recent loss of your mother and the grief he will continue to experience for months and years over that, it’s not unusual that the presence of another woman, doing things for him and (especially) touching him, might make his grief more acute and might make him more suspicious that the other woman is trying to insert herself in all the places where he used to experience his wife. So I agree with former posts, such as finding him a male companion/caregiver if at all possible, and with your own intuition to not leave him alone for long periods of time. But also, when you interview potential caregivers, make it clear from the start that they are mostly there as companions (when he wants a companion) and as “emergency backup systems” to just be quietly in the background doing their own thing when he does not want companionship. For the students, I let them know that as long as Mom was comfortable, reasonably content, and preferably occupied with something, if they just wanted to be in the living room with her and study, that was okay with me. And for our neighbor, she brought quilting or crochet and worked on it as she chatted with Mom, which seemed very natural to everyone. Maybe the male counterpart would be someone who would go out into the garage and work on a project with your father or such. It’s wise that you are keeping in mind that your father is a unique human being with a full set of likes, dislikes, preferences, and aversions. Pile on top of that his grief, the move into a new home, and just the general hassles of growing old and the last thing you or any of us would want to do is saddle him with a full day of interaction with someone he doesn’t even like. That said, remember to also cut yourself some slack. It’s a huge transition to bring someone else into your home — even a beloved parent. And sometimes you have to make decisions based on your own needs as well as his. You are lucky to have each other, but that doesn’t mean you have to be (or can be) everything to each other.

We have caregivers for my MIL, who is on hospice for a health issue and has moderate dementia as well. We hired caregivers for health and safety, although the caregivers do more standby assistance now for showers and the few times she'll dress. My MIL soured on her first caregiver at the 5 month mark, and ultimately that caregiver left on her own accord. She's disliked a couple of other caregivers, and we've not retained them. She likes her current caregivers and they are both fine with the fact that little is needed but for simple meal prep, a bit of cleaning but mostly sitting with her as she watches television.

Sometimes, it's just a matter of trying a few caregivers out until you find the "right" one? That is the one benefit of using an agency/company in our situation. It may cost more, but at least there's a pool available to find the right fit.

I like the earlier suggestion of finding a male caregiver. Perhaps that might work better for you? Or simply finding a caregiver that understands that your father doesn't want to be fussed over and can simply do what was requested.

Caregiver fit isn't a picnic, and I hope you find a person who might be a better fit for both of you.

Best of luck.

I would definitely try and get a male caregiver, in his generation it was always the wife or children that looked after the man. A woman caregiver to look after him will probably make him feel less than, (a man) even though we know it's not true it could be how he's feeling. A male caregiver makes a significant difference as they are on a level playing field (both being men). Things that only the same sex understand.
He actually sounds like he needs to go to assisted living (nursing home) if you are worried about him falling out of bed, not independent living if he doesn't like male caregiver either.
He will always want just you to care for him. Like oh so many elderly. We aren't in the 1950's we are in 2018 & you need to work & have a life to. Don't give up all of your life to look after him, the younger version of him wouldn't want you to do that. Remember to take care of you....and that means peace of mind knowing he's cared for even if he resists. Be firm with him about your decisions and reasons why.

My mom just wants someone to step and fetch for her but not to be her
companion. I tell the caregiver to be invisible. They do not need to be in
the room with her, talking to her (that wears her out), and doing what they
think caregiving is. They just need to be there if she needs them. She has
a bell so the caregiver can hear from the next room and come attend to her.
I do not have all the answers, but that is where we are now. I hope that helps.

My grandmother was like this in the beginning after her stroke. At first, she needed care all the time. So we had caregivers 12 hours a day and family would take the evenings. It was always something: “she talks too much (or not enough),” “she doesn’t fix my food right,” “she sat too much,” “she took out her phone while i was napping”. We asked for quite a few caregivers to not return before we finally realized that 90% of these caregivers were doing what she wanted, but they weren’t WHO she wanted. Eventually Grandma said, “12 hours is just too long for me to get along with someone” which makes total sense with her personality.

All of that to say, it’s tough but he will adjust to whoever you have there. Yes, you may have to change caregivers a couple of times, but it will get better.

Some folks are overly picky about caregivers and can never be satisfied. But this is only the first caregiver you've tried.

If he liked her at first but now doesn't ... and she's bored because there's not enough to do ... then probably they're not a good fit.

I would never ignore the patient's dislike of a caregiver -- sometimes it's 'just' a personality clash (no harm, no foul, but you still need to change), but other times there are genuine boundary-crossing behaviors that are problematic.

If he says she's always touching him, and she says she was only massaging his feet, that may be entirely true -- but he doesn't want his feet massaged (at least, not by her). It also could be true that she's touching him in other ways. But either way -- he shouldn't have to suffer unwanted touch.

Time for a new caregiver.

My mon, (a WWII army officer) DID NOT want help. She could do just fine on her own "Thank you very much". But she couldn't. So we gave her a large orange barn cat. And hired a dog walker to come by and check on the cat, four times a day. The dog walker was checking on my mom: Breakfast, lunch, dinner and bedtime. Worked well for us until the final year.

What is your dad's condition? Can he do anything for himself?

It is normal for parents to only want the children around, but in order for your sanity (and to keep your job), not always doable. Maybe this isn't the person for you, but I am guessing no one will ever be good enough.

My advice is too interview a few providers and involve your loved one in the process. Make your decision as a team that way your both comfortable.

After a fall, my 86 year old mom needed a caregiver 24 hours per day. Dealing with them was a hit or miss exercise. I don’t know what was more stressful for me, dealing with my mom’s health or caregivers. Some were not competent at all or were liars and/or thieves. If I had to do it over again, I would quit my job and take care of my mom but hire a caregiver to assist me. My mom eventually passed away 2 years later. Those two years were very stressful for me. The silver lining though was I was able to spend countless hours with my mom and our bond will last to eternity.

It is your home - set your rules now when you're in the settling phase - if you are worried about your dad you will not be able to do your job well - he will probably do the same with anybody - make a list of what help he needs then if your dad just needs someone/anyone there FOR YOUR PEACE OF MIND [which is no small thing]

Then hire a 'housekeeper' who will prepare dinner several nights a week, will do the wash, clean the house etc - this won't take up the whole day but your dad will not feel that she is hovering over him which he may be uncomfortable with as this may have been what your mom did so that heightens his recent loss of his wife - bonus is that this will help you to have spare time with him -

It could be that she would arrive at noon make his lunch & leave when you get home or just before so covering a good part of the day - if you are comfortable with him alone for a short time you may be able to get a stay at home mom who is looking for a part time situation while her kids are at school but that would be if he needs no medical help other than reminding him to take a medication at a specific time

tell them..say..hello..to a nursing home. If you can avoid being a caregiver, do it. Eventually you will have to bathe him and clean up his poo in his diapers and urine. Sickening job. and the person will be fighting you all the way..or too weak to move and expect you to carry him.

This is probably impractical since you need a designated room and a dedicated only-for-work-use phone (the company will provide the latter) and maybe other things im not aware of ... but have you ever thought of work from home.

maybe theres a local business that needs computer entry but not specialized work hours only heres what we need done by a certain time ... when you do it is up to you as long as its done by the due date.

I appreciate how moecam addressed the situation. After six years of caring for my Mother, I finally realized that the most important relationship was between my Mother and I. I then got others to support me so I could spend the time with her - whatever that looks like - housekeeping or personal care for my Mother, financial support. Focus on your primary relationship with your father. If there's trust and communication there you can navigate a lot more stuff. Also my Mother needed people who could love, play and connect - so I looked for the right kind of support. Also, it triggered he dementia if she felt they were primary caring for her for money. That made her feel like a burden and it triggered childhood trauma. Anyway thinking of the courageous choice you are making. I do hope your Father appreciates it and is also empathetic towards you.

It’s so difficult to know if there really is a problem with a caregiver or if your loved one is just preferring you over “a stranger in the house”. We went through a series of caregivers and used an agency. My dad definately preferred a male caregiver though. He seemed to relate better to them. The initial caregiver we had was a female and was recommended as a match for us but she wasn’t a good fit. Since we didn’t know any better, we kept her on for too long waiting for the folks to adjust. We also popped in unexpectedly at varying times to see what was really going on. Every time I went by the house, the caretaker was not doing much other then babysitting even though she had a list of activities the folks enjoyed and places they liked to go. Was it the same care as I provided?, heck no. Were parents happy?, heck no. Were parents safe and fed?, yes. If I had to do it over again, I would use cameras along with having people in the home so I could determine how much of what was being reported by either party was accurate. Any caregiver who protests to cameras being used is probably not a good candidate.

Hi
He may not be ready to accept he needs help. After all, he's gone his whole adult life without needing it and now he's told he needs it. I think it can be hard accepting you are losing your independence. We've gone through it with my father in law. He's sort of where your dad is, he absolutely will not make anything to eat for his self, forgets his meds and needs supervision when showering. Other than that he's ok but my husband and I just feel better if someone is there while were at work. Give it time. Now he likes having the company but refuses to call her the "caregiver" he calls her the "housekeeper." (haha)
On the other hand, if he's just not getting along with the caregiver then get another one. We went through three caregivers before we settled on one and they get along fine. My father-in-law is pretty feisty sometimes (he has early dementia) and some of the caregivers were more impatient with him or were offended.
As some of these posts have mentioned, it is VERY IMPORTANT to take care of yourself as well. I wish you well!

I was in same situation with my mom, we had her evaluated by her neurologist and had to place her this year. She still argues the fact that she can take care of herself, but it is not true. . She tells me how much she dislikes where she is, but she has much more social activities. She mostly slept all day too. Trust your gut, it is never easy.

Hello.
As a massage therapist myself, I know how important it is to have open, clear communications regarding touching a client.
Questions:
I wonder if this caregiver had an accent and/or your dad had difficulty understanding her?
Do you know if she was clear in asking him before she initiated a massage whether he wanted one?
If he said "yes," is your dad able to assert himself to say 'stop,' or 'no, I do not like that,' or something to express his desires?
Is your dad cognizant enough to engage in a three way conversation - with you, the caregiver and him? to flush out some of his concerns? If not with a caregiver, with you?
I would ensure that any caregiver understand - from you - and perhaps your dad how best to interact / communicate with him.
Most (or many) caregivers do not necessarily have education in the field or area of active listening, reflective listening, communication or have a degree in geriatrics. They are hired to clean up, prepare meals, laundry, and attend to the basics of care.
If you are able to observe a caregiver for 1-2 hours even a couple of times at the beginning of a relationship and see how s/he interacts with you dad, that would be very helpful.
It is important that if you dad cannot assert his needs (and just holds it in and gets mad and expresses that to you), that the caregiver know that and you need to tell him/her how to proceed.
The woman/care giver you speak about may have been (trying to) clean up and your dad interpreted that as nosing around or looking for money (?) - I do not know the cognitive functioning of your dad and whether or not he is 'seeing things,' or presuming what she is doing or that he actually sees what she is doing and recalls accurately.
He might be anxious with her there, feeling unsafe, even frightened, and/or powerless.
Do you have a meeting to introduce someone new to him - for a couple of hours with you there? Or see / observe his comfort (or agitation) level?

I believe most caregivers are well intention(ed) however I would definitely check references and let them know, in advance, where communications might break down or what may trigger agitation in your dad so they can be prepared and handle it as well as possible. By talking to them about his potential behaviors and responses, you will also learn a lot about how mature and skilled the care giver is. Gena.

Be aware that most cameras have a limited view/range.
However, it is really a good idea to have. Do not mention to the caregiver that you have a camera. You want to observe what is going on, naturally. gena