My sister and I are caregivers for our mom and step dad. The other sister lives an hour away from mom and has made it very clear she is not into caregiving but will come down every month or two to "clean" mom's house. Her cleaning leaves a lot to be desired because the floors and counters should be cleaned a lot more often, so caregiver sister and I end up doing all the cleaning once a week and don't mention it to Distant sister because she'll cop an attitude how we are not letting her help. Distant sister rarely visits and when she does, she makes promises to our parents that she either cannot or will not do. She's always in a hurry to visit and leave because she has so much to do in her yard. (my sister and I also have our homes and yards to keep up and I'm a widow) She has no children and hires the neighbor boy to help her. Her husband isn't into working in the yard like she is. She has 1 year before retirement and promises to drive to mom's 1x week to help out. I highly doubt she will. She reminds us to please keep her informed as to what is happening with mom's decline.
I'm at mom's 3-4 days a week and caregiver sister the same but on different days. I make notes on an email to distant sister then send it once a week.
Her response is always the email I sent her with highlighted bits and pieces pointing out this is a way she would not want to be treated. Example.....when going shopping (before virus) I was helping mom make up grocery list. I asked dad 4x if he has his wallet and checkbook (mom has Alzheimer's and dad has dementia) he would say yes he does, pat his pocket and say no I don't then go to bedroom for it and get distracted and come back out without it. Mom was being very difficult that morning but we were working through the list. Finally, dad said he did have it so we got on the road because we had a foot Dr appt. My fault ...I did not follow through to see if he had his wallet. When we got to our destination, he then realized he didn't have it and wanted me to take them home so he could get it and I refused to drive 1/2 hr back home and another1/2hr back into town for shopping. He was mad at me but I just paid for the groceries myself and he paid me back.
I mentioned this to my distant sister and there seemed to be no understanding of what my caregiver sister and I go through daily...just complaining about how I should have taken them back home to get his wallet because it was my fault it was forgotten I the first place because I didn't follow through to make sure he had his wallet. Also to make sure I knew that I should have taken them back home because that's the way she would treat them because that's the way she wants to be treated. She does this everytime I send her an email. She doesn't seem to get the point of the email about how much they are both declining. It's gotten to the point where I don't keep her updated because I know what her response would be. I don't have time for her nit picking. I'm tired. Now she tells my caregiver sister that I don't keep her updated. Caregiver sister doesn't respond and doesn't want to get into the middle of it because she totally understand where I'm coming from.
So...my question is: do I continue to keep distant sister informed or just save myself the hassle of emailing her with an attitude pointing out to me how I've failed in my caregiving duties. I'm trying as hard as I can but I'm human...I make mistakes... My feelings are to keep her updated and ignore her response but I'm starting to resent her attitude because my sister and I are doing the best we can and we are both pretty disgusted with distant sister. Thank you all for listening to me ramble on.
Families caring for their parents is fraught with difficulties. What you experienced with your dad is so typical and 'normal' You learned that you need to be more on top of dad when you take him shopping, to drs appts. Make sure you have eyes on the prize, as it were "Dad, show me that you have your wallet, ok?" And make sure that YOU see he has all the salient documents before you leave the house. Sheesh, that kind of thing happens to my absent minded DH ALL THE TIME. He walks out the door in the morning and I know he will be right back, having forgotten something--like his wallet, or phone.
As far as sister coming to help every so often, gosh, just be GRATEFUL for any support and help that you can get. Most people are on this site complaining that we cannot get siblings on board for ANYTHING. Ok, her cleaning may leave a lot to be desired, but she's trying.
My brother and his wife washed my mom's windows about 10 years ago, and I did them again about 3 years later and she kept telling me that they had 'just been done'--no, they hadn't and I knew it. It's not a hard job, but I was really grateful that my brother had stepped up with his wife to do it. (Once, in 20 years) Mother spends most of her day watching the world go by and her windows will get so dirty. I clean mine about 10 times a year (in fact, today would be a good day to do them!)
You can continue to email sis about what is going on and continue taking her criticism or leave well enough alone and not talk about mom's care. Sounds like it just annoys you. Continue doing what you do and let 'not here' sister do what she does and just don't talk about it. She's not likely to change and so you have to.
If I let myself 'go there' with mom's apartment, I get crazy. I want to have at it for two days and deep clean it. This will NEVER happen as she wants everything she has and more. So, basically, she's hoarding and there's nothing I can do. Plus, every time I have tried to do ANYTHING to 'help her' in my estimation, I get in trouble for interferring. I just quit.
I know I used to try to email the sibs weekly about mom and none of them cared. So I quit. She lives with YB and his family, she has good enough care. Not good enough by my standards, but she's as happy as she is going to be and I am done trying to bring her SOL up to my standards.
You don't have to email sis. It sounds like a really negative thing to be doing, you don't get pats on the back, you get slapped in the face. Decide which seems 'better' to you.
It's really pretty rare to find a family that actually takes the CG burdens evenly and calmly. You're not alone!
P.s., I did respond once (early on) about the gall of criticizing while otherwise being completely unwilling to provide any emotional or tangible support whatsoever. It was like spitting in the wind, the ol' tree falling in the forest but no living being is there to hear it.
If you don't want to stop emailing altogether, certainly stop with all the detail you provide her because you are giving her the ammunition to nit pick at you. Ask yourself: "Is this something distant sis needs to know?" What's the point of telling distant sis that dad forgot his wallet again? Do you really care what she would have done?
If you're going to continue with weekly updates, go broad strokes e.g. "Dad's foot doctor says everything looks good. Mom's appetite has been good this week. Sis and I cleaned the kitchen and bath yesterday. Take care of yourself." And ignore her when she nit picks. Just go grey rock: "The grey rock method is a practice where an individual becomes emotionally non-responsive, boring, and virtually acts like a rock. Emotional detachment serves to undermine a narcissist's attempts to lure and manipulate, causing them to grow uninterested and bored."
Your distant sister does not have the right to do nothing and complain about how you and your other sister are doing things. That's some sense of entitlement distant sis has!
As far as her ‘helping out.’ Talk is cheap! Actions speak louder than words and she has proven that she will not be doing an equal amount. Don’t hold your breath waiting for it to happen.
You are not going to convince her of anything that she doesn’t want to do. Maybe speak to your mom about hiring outside help or possibly entering a facility after this heath crisis is under control.
I will echo that rarely is caregiving split equally. That would be fair and perhaps a miracle. Most do not have that set up.
One idea is to send one last email to notify her that you will not be updating her any longer. Let her take responsibility for gathering news.
If you are upset, that’s okay. Even therapists will point out that it is normal to get angry when it is justified. In fact, it is more healthy than to excuse her cruel behavior towards you.
Honor your feelings, then move on. Don’t get stuck in that place. Don’t hold a grudge. Just go on with your life.
Do not allow her to steal your joy. That is what a person that ‘picks’ wants to do. They want to push your buttons. Don’t let her do that. Don’t feed her any ammunition to attack you with. If she chooses to attack anyway, you do not owe her a response.
Personally, I would totally ignore her if you know that speaking to her would fall on deaf ears. Why waste your breath? It’s great when healing occurs but it isn’t possible in every situation. You’re the only one that can assess this.
If you feel a need to speak and don’t want to hear her foolishness then write her a letter. If she writes back, you can choose to read it or throw it away.
Isn’t it usually the one who does the least that complains the most and they also take credit for doing more than they actually did. You know the truth and that is all that matters.
Remind yourself that she insults you and doesn’t care much about your feelings. That may give you a push to limit your contact with her or detach from her.
Best wishes to you.
Once a month just say "things are pretty much the same, appts and shopping. Took Dad to Dr on the 25th and Dr sees no change (or he does) Mom seems to be holding her own"
Be honest with sister, she is nit picky and you have no time for it. Let her cop an attitude. Your on the front line. You are the ones doing the work. Tell her to visit more often while parents know who she is.
Perfect reply (in my eyes). Thank you.
As nothing is going to change my older sister - except herself doing what she has been told by doctors - she always 1)complains 2)never changes 3)has critical spirit
My younger sister is "Know It All". I tell them both "I don't want you all in my business - so I'm not getting into your business." Yeah! Now, they are working together and respecting each other.
I really appreciate all the helpful answers you have got. Please - all that is important is that you do what you can, when you can and do it because of love and honor. Let what she says "Go in one ear and out the other - without anything getting stuck inside."
Often in life, the person who complains and offers up free advice is the one who is not experiencing what others are. Interesting how when it happens in their own lives, their attitude changes. Hang in and don't let go.
+1 broad strokes/minimal info to 'Dis Sis'. Even wind back the emails then let them dribble to a stop & see if she even requests them. (Write a journal or blog for yourself instead if it helps you).
I was sending updates to my 'Dis Sis'. Seemed to only get auto replies back: Glad she is doing better/lots to think about/that's interesting. So I did a little experiment. Less updates with less details - same replies. So I just stopped updating. I have not had one enquiry. Not one. Sure she can phone herself (& does occasionally) just to hear "I'm fine". No mention of latest fall, medical tests or carer's stress levels. I believe that how she wants it. They're all fine & I'll just carry on. It's a very passive way of not stepping in or stepping up. Yes it made me angry too but trying to let that pass & lowering my expectations down to zero to avoid future disappoinent.
I finally put my foot down about six months ago when I went on my yearly pilgrimage to visit him. I said HEY! Stop backseat driving my decisions about my Mom's death. You didn't offer to help me at all for the four years I did everything for her. You don't get to say anything right now; so stop it! And he did. I think he couldn't believe that I had it in me to say that to my own father, but I had HAD it!
She will keep being the backseat driver for as long as you let her, and it might even last until after your Mom's death, as it did for me. Or, she will swoop in at the last minute to "save the day" and try to take over everything at the last minute. As an ICU RN, I have seen siblings using the parent as a pawn for control in tragic situations. One time the POA from out of state flew in and took Mom off life support, only to change her mind 45 minutes later and have Mom transferred back to our facility and back on the tubes. It was insane! Siblings crying and screaming at each other and at us.
To sum things up, at least tap the breaks a bit as others have suggested; hopefully, your sister will get a little figurative bump on the head. Either pick up a pan and start cooking, or get out of the kitchen, Sis!!
YES - I Love that 😆
I have a “Dis Sis too. She was constantly micromanaging me while she lives a plane ride away and currently hadn’t visited in two years. She tells people I don’t do enough! When I pushed back four years, she stopped speaking to me, doesn’t returns text messages and recently wouldn’t come to the phone. I was told she didn’t want to talk to me. My mother plays the devils advocate. I decided not to be her puppet and do everything myself. As I was anyway. God bless these people. They should be grateful for those doing what they won’t/can’t or whatever do! Good luck! It’s a hurtful no win situation.
As far as being given unwanted "advice " if it were me, I would tell MIA middle sister, bluntly "you can complain and offer advice in direct proportion to the amount of care taking that you actually do".
But that's me and my relationship with my sisters. For YOU, you need to do what is best for you..and then not allow guilt to eat at you for the decision you make. Previous posters are so correct, it's so easy to be that back seat driver. Do what will make this terribly difficult job of care taking just that little bit easier.
Good luck!!
family!
Thank you for pointing this out to others 💗.
I never tell her if we need something or anything about daily life. As it is, when she visits she always says we argue like an “old married couple.” Not very helpful and discounts any issues I may be trying to deal with.
Right after I’ve texted her about something the doctor has told us, she says, “make sure you check with the doctor first.”
I never respond. I’ve done my duty.
charlotte
Do what you're doing from your heart and for your parents. Not for your siblings. I feel bad for you because of this...I know that feeling all to well. When you're a caregiver, you want to please everyone. That can't be the case anymore. When everything was said and done, everyone was scrambling for pictures, etc..for the service. Even tho I had a billion pics, that kind of stuff didn't matter to me at that point. I was 'ok' because everything I had or needed was literally in my heart. All the memories were right where they needed to be. Strange, never had b4 feeling to have. Good luck. Keep your head up. Always.
Funny enough one year ago today was the last time I was in touch with my bros or their families. I tried to keep them up to date but found there was always criticism (and I was told by SIL that all I do is complain). You know what I realized? The criticism was the only way my control freak brother knew to communicate about the situation. It's hard to watch parents slip away (we lost Mom to dementia in March 2019) and I think his way of dealing was to be critical. He certainly didn't want to do the work but in his opinion knew a better way for things to be done.
In your case I think I would continue with weekly emails but keep the details to a minimum. You've got enough on your plate, you don't need to be aggravated by someone who isn't in the trenches with you. If your sister starts asking for specifics in the future perhaps it's best to say 'I won't bore you with the details' and if she becomes insistent get your other sister to be the person that emails updates. Best of luck to you.
In fact they don't complain, I think we all learnt a thing or two after going through this with Dad.
It is always easier to judge from a distance, especially from a less tired distance!
I would tell her that you don't appreciate critical feed back and depending on her response, make a decision on how much you want to communicate with her.
Be transparent with other people involved too. You should not take orders from her, she is your sister not your manager!
Stay strong and good luck.
on another note, it would help you tremendously if you would get an additional debit or credit card that you keep to make purchases. That way you don’t need to worry about his wallet. Also take photos of his Medicare and health insurance cards in case you take him to the ER or doctor's office and he doesn’t have them. I have a whole album on my iPhone photos of my dad's stuff.
Then keep updating your sister and don't read her responses at all.
She doesn’t want to help so she puts blame on you. Sneaky. If you can, and I wish I had, keep her informed but do not expect anything from her because you won’t get it. It’s easier to keep doing what you are with parents with no help from other family members that disappoint and anger you. If she wants to clean house could you say, oh that’s ok. We have it taken care of. Maybe she just wants to visit and not help. possibility.
Sorry you are going through this I hope your situation gets better
Since he preferred to not know (& then say melodramatically, “I had NO idea; no one told me”), we decided to keep him out of the loop because his “help” was really of no value. We did tell him of major changes, but not of the daily grind. 3 of us plus an aide took care of Mom at home for years. To keep each other informed, we maintained a notebook with daily information. Sometimes it was 1 or 2 sentences, other times it was a full page per day. It was interesting reading material for the long-distance, didn’t-help-but-knew-it-all brother who would visit once maybe twice a year & expect Mom to wait on him like she always did his entire life.
As to house cleaning, we finally hired someone to come in once a month to do the cleaning. Well worth the $100/month cost.
You & sister who share caregiving responsibilities get to decide the who, what, where, & when of Mom’s care. Stop with the rambling emails; they only invite criticism. You’ll never get a Thank You from her. How does your other sister keep the long-distance one “informed”? If she doesn’t, instead leaving that up to you, then you stop as well.
As for her once a month help. Make a list throughout the month with your caregiver sister of tasks that neither of you can handle or want to handle. Email her a list once a month of those chores she could do - maybe doing something in your parents' yard, windows, gutters... anything that is harder to do while also watching your folks. Then, she is getting things done that would take you and your caregiver sister longer to do. Should be a win for everybody.
It's your sisters problem not yours. That's her way of wanting to feel like she's contributing. SISTER, YOUR NOT HELPING. GET IN THE TRENCHES WITH THE REST OF US.
I finally got to the point where I didn't want to hear it anymore and told my sister, "If you think you can do better, you can take the lead for all of their care".
That was the end of that.
I sent emails, short and to the point unless something is revalent. No point in trying to help them see what you are going through, they never will accept that they are not doing their part.
You seem to be doing great. The situation will never be perfect. There are some things we have no control over especially how we want our siblings to be in regards to our parents care.
It took a while for me to "Let it go". It made me stronger. I will not allow to be criticized. I trust/hope you will eventually do the same. GOD BLESS!