As my mom's dementia, mobility and ability to care for herself in general keep worsening, my dad also is starting to have his own problems with energy, mobility and awareness, not to mention being mostly deaf. They're both 90. My feeling is that my dad is "in control" of the situation, and quite stubborn. I can see why they want to spend every last day together in their own home, it's only natural. But at the same time the two of them together in their confusion, they're just egging each other on to stay put and not budge. It's also hard to get them to communicate with each other, because of her congitive decline and his hearing. They do have support of a PCA, a couple of friends and neighbors and my and a sibling. My main question is as she gets worse, how will we all convince him that he cannot give her the care she needs? If we ever took her to a home or in with other family, he would explode. We've invited both of them to one of our houses but they won't consider it. He's in control and plans to stay that way, is my impression.
So, keeping them in their home for now is probably the only thing that can happen, but you'll need to do a little prep work first. An important question is: who is legally able to act on their behalf? Who has durable PoA for them? With my in-laws when we fully realized how bad their cognition had become, we immediately made a plan for one of us to take them out for several hours while the others went through the house to assess how bad it was by looking at their checkbooks (in total disarray), found unopened mail piled up, found dozens upon dozens of boxes of blank checkbooks (because they kept losing them and called up the bank to order more), and just gathered all their sensitive paperwork, medical info, etc to secure it from prying eyes; took picks of all their prescription bottles and counted the pills, and on. Once you do this the PoAs can set up online banking and BillPay for them. If necessary, have their mail go to a PO box. Make copies of their house keys and keep a secret one outside should emergency or neighbors need to access their home inside. You may need to consider some additional agency companion care for them who also does some light housekeeping. Someone will need to be checking in on them every day, especially if they have medication to take. Check their fridge and garbage pail to make sure they are eating (my MIL wasn't). Do not rely on what they tell you they did. Only trust what you actually see them do. They may think they did something (like take meds) but didn't actually.
If you haven't already help them seniorize their home for safety as well (remove area rugs, make sure their bath/shower has handrails and a seat, etc). There are lots of checklists for this found online. They won't like all this fuss but you just tell them it's for YOU and your siblings so you all can feel confident that they're safe and being well cared for. Good luck!
Mom's new home has a separate staff for Memory Care and has had no cases there. MC residents are not confined to their rooms or required to wear masks, it’s just not feasible with them. AL residents on the other hand have to isolate in their rooms and wear masks when in the hallways.
No facility has been with out some form of Covid, you have to consider what their response to cases is. The main problem with moving anyone into a facility now is the isolation and lack of activities is just as hard on them as if they were isolated in their own homes.
There is often a small window of opportunity to keep them together once there is decline in one or both. Getting them in a safe place can keep them together and decrease the burden(s) to both.
Depending on how resistant one parent is to any help coming in at all, their chances of remaining together decrease.
One will go to hospital, one left behind may not be able to fully care for self. Adult children separate them, one goes to Al, one goes to live with another family member, or in an apartment. One dies from neglect. I have seen it happen. It is because the couple have supported each other for all those years, and may notice daily if one (say, for example) has taken their insulin.
That window of opportunity can vary, but within a year, they may have to be separated by circumstances.
However, I am in favor of bringing in caregivers to their home as long as that is working, and if they accept that help.
The need for people to have sanity and have their loved ones safely cared for is huge and can not be outweighed by fear of covid.
For example, my uncle needs rehab for his severe health problems and the facility is putting him in 2 week quarantine. I think that is reasonable and safe. It is not 100% safe, but NOTHING is. There is no guarantee that one of us caregivers will not get it and give it to our LO. It happens. There are lots of risks in this world.
Your parents obviously need help. They can be as stubborn as they want re: wanting to be in their own home forever but it is just NOT reasonable. Who is providing care at home for them now? I would think at the least, they could go in to an assisted living facility together. If they refuse, it is possible to cut back on what you are doing to keep them afloat to help them see that they can NOT take care of themselves any longer.
So hard. I'm sorry you are going through this.
He feels loved, safe and failure in his own home.
I promised him he could stay in his own home and I'm keeping my promise.
I don't worry about not having an inheritance as the money is going to pay the Caregivers.
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I am considering hiring a Live In as my next step as it would be 1/4 to 1/3 the cost.
In the meantime just keep watch.
If they have a gas oven and they are forgetting to turn it off or accidentally hitting the knob and turning it on then turn off the gas for the stove and hVe them only cook with a microwave.
Hundreds of microwaveable meals out there that wojld be easy for them to make.
My Dad loved the frozen waffles, pancakes, Jimmie DeN sausage egg and cheese breakfast biscuits and crusaints. Stealthy Request and Lien Cousins dinners...everything just pop in the microwave.
I use to shop for my Dad every week but now I just order his groceries weekly and the Caregiver puts it all away.
Let them live out their time together in their own home.
At Leave them alone. They would die if separated.
They would not be happy to leave their home, neither would the person who thinks they can move in with them.
Have Nest Cameras installed to be able to see what's going on anytime day or night just view them on your cell or computer.
If they can't still use a phone easy than Make sure they have a Fall Alert necklace to wear around their neck in case of a fall and they can't get up.
Check with their Insurance and see if any type of Home Health, ect is covered.
Try to get them (or at least Dad) to the point where he is willing to go and visit your top two choices (sell the this is a 5 star hotel Dad, routine but don't tell him how much it will cost to move in........... he'll freak out for sure.
So sorry you have to go through this but know that you are not alone. Safe travels and peace on this journey.
After my dad died and mom lost her home in Hurricane Katrina she moved in with us. That is an adjustment for the parent and the entire household. This would not be my first choice if I were you.
I realize that a facility is not what everyone desires, especially during Covid. I would still start looking for a facility to be prepared. Not all people can remain at home. They need the help of an entire staff.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Their children finally convinced him that she needed more help than he could give her and they agreed to move to a senior facility. Grammy died soon after the move but he lived on for several years and had a great time chasing nurses and raising hell.
I think the key was that he was harming her by not accepting that they were not coping alone.
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