My mom is 69 and has been living with me, my husband and our family the past five years because she could no longer afford her house. She still works full time. My husband has an opportunity to relocate his position and move us to Rehoboth Beach in DE, where the taxes are far below what we are paying now. My mom would have to retire if we moved since we’re moving out of state, but she told me she still has to pay for her car and still has work to do so. I am feeling so guilty about all of this. My brother and SIL told me beforehand that we do what we need to do and she’ll have to decide and find a new place if she doesn’t come with us. Well, it’s been so hard for her to find a new place that’s decent and affordable. Please help me because I am torn. I feel awful for even thinking of leaving her behind, and if I have to actually do it, I can’t imagine the feelings I’ll have! I don’t know what is right or wrong. My brother will still be here for her but it’s not the same as your daughter. She really has no one else besides her sister here and her work buddies.
What would she do if you got killed in an auto accident today? She would find a way to work it out. She is a big girl and can make her own choices. Your love for her is not an excuse for her to manipulate you to doing what SHE wants to do
You married your husband, even the Bible says "That is why a man (or woman) will leave his father and mother and cling to his wife(husband) and they will become one flesh". You belong with your husband, not your mother. What would this do to your marriage if you stayed?
Isn't that what it boils down to?
Your mother has a choice. She can give up work and let the car go and move with you; or she can sit tight, in a town where she has a job and a social circle and your brother and... a life. A proper grown up's life. It is difficult to find nice, affordable places for single people - boy, do I know! - but no more so for her than for anyone else. Keep looking, is all.
She would be crazy to come with you. But you would be crazier to stay behind for her. She doesn't need you to do that.
That's where I am at- all my life I have been edged into "staying close" as an only child and I am completely miserable in Baltimore. The traffic alone here is soul-killing. Now that my mom is probably going to need to move out of her home, we are totally priced out of the market here for what we want and need. We should have moved out from this area a long time ago. Now she will have to move with us more than likely down south which is not going to be a smooth transition for her. However, we must do what's best for us and it actually will be good for her too when it's all said and done.
Long story short, our parents do not like and are resistant to change. Once your mom is on board and the move happens, she will get used to it. The main thing is she will be with her family and if she gets out and about will find new friends and opportunities! I wish you all the best.
You can’t forgo your well thought out plans to move to a state with a better tax rate for which your family will reap that benefit while also being better for your family overall by being able to save that money.
It is a tough situation,but you have given your mother a choice to join you. It’s her choice now.
You stay the course & be strong. Hard to do at times but your plan is a good one.
I would give her enough notice to find another place to live but no longer than maybe 3-4 months. Then at that point you move and either she comes with you or makes other arrangements for housing.
As mentioned, there is plenty of work in that area due to the shopping outlets and gambling. Mom can find somewhere to work.
Best of luck on your new adventure...its exciting!
It seems (from where I'm standing) that not moving means not only sacrificing something exciting for you, it's your entire family's forward progress sacrificed to one person's preferences and unwillingness to be a team player. You wonder how you'll handle the feelings you have if you "leave her behind" - what about the feelings about not moving and losing an opportunity on behalf of your whole family?
Maybe once you see that laid out in your pro-con list, you'll be able to see the path more clearly and be firmer about the decision within yourself. It may not help her feel better, but that's not in your control anyway; every one of us chooses how we handle change in our lives.
Also, why do you see it as you're leaving her behind? How about she's choosing to STAY behind?
She is trying to manipulate you into doing what she wants, regardless of how this effects you and your family. That is just a rotten thing for a parent to do.
I am going to say that I think that she should feel guilty for imposing on you and your family for the last 5 years, she should be ashamed of herself for trying to manipulate you into staying some place just for her and her choices, bad choices at that.
She can't find a place good enough for the right amount of money, what, you live where you can afford to and make it your home by decorating and cleaning and improving things you can. She needs to grow up and let you spread your wings.
You sound excited about moving and you are letting her ruin a great adventure for you and your family, but since she has been allowed to ruin the peace of your home for 5 years by butting heads with you, she feels entitled and empowered. Time to become the mistress of your home and the master of your dreams.
Time to show your children what a happy, peaceful home life looks like. Leave mom where she wants to be and let her throw a tantrum, doesn't obligate you to accommodate her.
I would encourage her to buy an RV trailer that she can tow behind her crv and she can live wherever she wants.
Sorry if I sound harsh, it makes me crazy when parents suck the life out of their children and use whatever tactics they feel will help them get their own way. Children get disciplined for doing those kinds of stunts, why should we feel like we have to accept it from our parents. We don't have to, we can love them and help them without being their scratching post.
A car is a depreciating asset. A depreciating asset should not be bought with borrowed money. Go to Bogleheads.org to get on the path to a good financial future.
Send your mom to Dave Ramsey to straighten out her poor money management.
Good for you!
I always thought that my mother and I had a decent relationship, but after I moved back home man was I in for a shock!!
Look you and your mom already bump heads and hate to say it, but it will get worst the older and more care she will need. If I had to do it all over again, I would be living in another state! I found out the hard way we can not live for our parents!
You have gotten some great ideas here go with it. And remember if the time comes you can always move mom closer to you it is not like your moving to the moon!
Don't stop living your life because it is inconvenient for your mom. Yes, easier said than done!
As for guilt let that go too! You should not feel guilty because hubby has a great opportunity. You are not doing anything wrong! That is what guilt implys that you are doing something wrong.
It is ok for you to want something more--better!
Sorry if I sound harsh. I don't mean too!
At 69 she should be collecting SS. At 69, she can make as much as she wants. Delaware does have cheaper taxes but housing cost more. Especially near the shore points. I live in NJ right across the River from DE.
Mom needs to look into 55 and up apartments for low income. There r Senior apts ran by HUDD. The one where I live is pretty nice. They take 30% of ur income. Your responsible for electric and TV.
Have your Mom check with the County/City council on Aging to see if there are women looking for a Golden Girl situation. Or if your Mom has friends that are older who might want to try this living arrangement out. Maybe someone owns a house that has now become too big to handle on her own, and room-mates would work out.
It is great that your Mom is still working full-time. It helps to keep one's mind alert.
Let us know what happens.
BTW, I first joined this forum about 7-8 years ago and I was shocked at the sarcasm and negativity of some posters. But here I am all these years later - each year my situation getting worse with no end in sight. So now, I am the nasty, sarcastic poster! My mom was in her late 60s when she suddenly "gave up" on life, declaring she was old and done. She has tried to suck the life out of me ever since. My mom was previously super-cool and I never saw this coming. If I would have known, I would have run the h*ll away. Please go and leave her behind.
This sounds like a great time to make the break from her by moving and letting her take responsibility for herself.
Your mother's life is not yours to compensate for.