My mother is 83 and has dementia. She has good and bad days. Last week she awoke in the morning and was very confused about where she was and was asking where my father was. He has been gone for 26 years now. When I told her that Dad was gone, she cried and screamed for almost an hour until I could calm her down. Should I have told her that Dad was gone? What's the best way to answer questions like this? Is it best to start telling little white lies to keep them calm?
In my opinion, it's far kinder to say "you'll see him soon" or "he's out for now but you'll see him soon" and then move on with some kind of distraction. Yes, you'll revisit this again and again no matter what you say, so rehearse an answer that is compassionate and not too detailed. Their reality isn't ours - we need to get into their heads and understand where they are. Their brains are broken - we work with that. Then we try to answer in a way that isn't going to bring on fresh grief.
Carol
Of course everyone is different but my husband started asking about family members who had died in just the last 3 years. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2007.
It's common for them to have several things that they focus on all the time. With my husband, it was his mother and brother, getting out of our house because we didn't own it, thinking people were trying to get in and kill us, talking about his alcoholic father... In my support group there are numerous stories about how Alzheimer's will get a focus that keeps coming up again and again.
They just need to constantly be redirected even if it means telling an untruth.
Whatever it takes to satisfy them for the moment.
I started out the same way since my husband and I had a wonderful marriage and never lied to each other. At first, when his dementia was getting worse I'd always try to explain the "truth" to him. Every day I was telling him that his mother was dead, his brother died in surgery or that his dad has also passed. This did nothing to help him even though it was the truth.
When I got smarter, I would tell him his mother was shopping, or his brother would be back soon, etc. Why torture people who won't remember anyway?
With Alzheimer's people, you must learn to live in the moment. That's all they have and its up to caregivers to make those moments as peaceful and calming as possible.
Good luck to you!
When a friend's father passed away, they had the Mom at the viewing and services. Seems logical right -- despite the woman's dementia. The wife would walk up to the casket, scream and cry uncontrollably. They would walk her out into the sitting area in another room and calm her down. When she had relaxed, they would bring her back in and the scene would replay itself. It was like the definition of insanity -- repeating the same steps and expecting a different result.
Dementia is an illness. The patient can't remember nor can they logic things. We have to help them by giving them answers they can live with. And that are BEST for them.