She got out of the house at 6am and a neighbor found her at the end of the street, it was freezing out! That was 2 weeks ago and I'm so nervous about this happening again. Even though I moved into her home she doesn't think it's her home. A few days before she escaped she had asked me to take her to visit her brother but he lives in another country. She said no, he lives in the area. Maybe she was trying to go visit him?
Her bathroom habits have taken a real turn. She wears depends but never seems to make it onto the toilet in time. I really don't have any help besides my husband and my siblings are useless. They crapped out on me 2 yrs ago when I broke my knee, when I needed their help more than ever. It's beginning to cause a problem for me and my husband. We just don't have the life we used to. Before we decided to move in with my Mom my siblings assured me everyone would be helping me. It never happened. Yeah, I'm more than pissed about that (and they're medical people)
I've reached out a few times for a nurses aide to come in but they're not reliable. Right now I have a nice woman who comes to shower my Mom and sit with her 2x a week for 2 hrs each day. Just waiting for this aide to flake out on me.
My Mom's Dr office was useless too so I stopped taking her there but now I have no Dr for her, I'm on a wait list at this point
A real stresser for me is that I don't know what the next step is. What is the process for looking into a long term facility for my Mom? I feel like it's going to be a nightmare. Do I need a Lawyer? She owns her home but me and my sisters and brother are on the deed.
Do I start calling around to facilities?? I'm so lost and have no one to ask or guide me in the right direction. Help?
Assess your mom's financial and legal document situation. Does someone have medical decision making authority? Is there a DPOA signed? Is your Mom or her husband a veteran that would qualify for veteran's assistance? (See veteran's benefits guide) on this site.
Do a computer search of Memory care facilities by your area. Start to call and visit them to see if they meet Mom's needs and are within her budget. During this time, you will need to bring in help. It may be a home health aide for Mom or cleaning help for you. Take advantage of grocery shopping services to get rid of that chore. Transition times require that you bring in extra help, though it may come in various formats. Is there a nursing school near you? Perhaps one of the students would be available to help take care of Mom. Good luck and come back often with yur questions.
If funds are an issue, see if your Mom can qualify for Medicaid. There is a lot of red tape and hoops to jump through to apply, but worth it as Medicaid will help pay for a nursing home. Question, when did your Mom put you and your siblings on the Deed? Or is Mom not on the Deed but has life use of the house?
Use Mom's money for some in-home help until a more permanent solution can be arranged.
Not all persons with dementia need memory care facilities. Since your mom has "wandered" once, she may need that kind of secure environment. Otherwise assisted living or a nursing home may be appropriate. A group home is also a possibility. It is too bad she isn't being seen by a geriatrician you could discuss this with. As you start looking at facilities you can discuss the level of care she needs with them.
If you have generational wealth, I guess you'd be justified in expecting an inheritance. Middle class parents would do better to educate their children so that they can support themselves and not rely on inherited money.
Now people often live 20 to 30 years beyond their retirement. Often they are living with very expensive chronic illnesses that previous generations had little experience with. Everything costs exponentially more than it did when they were paying in to their pensions.
Now days getting to the end of life paying your own way is a mark of great success. Leaving a financial legacy is just not feasible for the majority.
Times change and Babalou is right the best thing we can do is to teach our kids to support themselves and not expect an inheritance at all.
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