Today I awoke remembering my mom, who passed at 94 from end stage kidney failure. But I was remembering nightmarish images of her with dementia and begging for water, cold, etc. The body was obviously dying. And I guess there is no easy way to pass on, except for an immediate death of some type. But I feel so sad remembering her declining rapidly and just wish there was something I could have done to help her when she was having such a tough time. I prayed telling her how sorry I am that there was nothing I could do for her. Any thoughts? Thanks.
I work in hospice and I've seen people who are actively dying whose muscles are contracted and who are yelling out in what can only be described as pain but I think the dying experience is different for everyone. It's as unique as the individual. I had another patient a few years ago who went quietly with no signs or symptoms of pain or distress.
I think yes, there can be pain when the body begins to shut down because I've seen it but I don't think it's experienced by everyone and luckily there are medications we can administer to our loved ones to ease their pain and suffering.
I'm so sorry to hear about your mom's condition. I know its not easy.
Dear Bloom,
I know how much you loved your mom. I don't think any of us want to see our parents suffering in anyway. My father passed in hospital. The nurse told me my father went very quickly. Honestly, I don't find any comfort in this information. In my heart, I guess I just wanted my dad to live longer. I even questioned why he had a DNR on file. I asked the nurse why didn't they save him? I know accepting our parents passing brings up a lot of questions and sometimes I feel there are really comforting or acceptable answers.
All your questions remind me so much of me after my dad's passing almost 6 months ago.
Mom's sister died five years before of a recurring cancer. She also received Hospice services in her Memory Care unit such that she remained comfortable throughout, and was attended by her family. A gentle death is possible.
Emotional support is available through Hospice. Throughout the process, I was and will continue to be contacted by a Hospice to ensure that I have support through the grieving process for the next six months. You can call Hospice to help you through your loss and grief. I dealt with it in my way, which was to plan her wake, funeral, and repast as a celebration of Mom's life. I knew that my Mom's family needed that kind of an event to deal with the passing of the last of her generation. (The Poles are given to deep mourning, but my Irish-side dictates another approach.) They helped me celebrate, too.
Our intentions matter. Love matters. Carry the intangible gifts that your Mother bequeathed to you into the future and teach them to others as you move through your own life. I am doing that for all of my Mother's brothers and sisters, and her own parents for I have learned so much from them.