MS3219 Asked July 1, 2024
When can mom drive after having a stroke?
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She’s 3 mos out and physically, she is fine. But was diagnosed with vascular dementia. Mainly just short term memory issues. She has been begging to drive again but I am so worried about what would happen if she gets in or causes an accident! The drs have said she can drive with restrictions but they think she should have the driver assessment given by an OT. They don’t have an opening to test her for 6 mos! Meanwhile, we are having to pay a caregiver for 5 days/week in case mom needs to go anywhere. Should i insist she go to the driver test or just let her go ahead and drive close to her home & hope nothing happens? As her POA, could I be held liable? We live in NC.
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Your moms brain is now broken and it will never get better only worse. And I'm sure you know, vascular dementia is the most aggressive of all the dementias with a life expectancy of just 5 years.
Someone driving with any of the dementias is no different than someone driving drunk or high on drugs. And if she were to kill or injure someone while driving, and it was discovered that she has dementia, she could be sued and literally lose everything she has.
It's just not worth it. Of course your mom won't like it but she's just going to have to suck it up as it's really not fair to all the innocent drivers on the roadways when she is.
I would get her doctor to tell her that she can no longer drive. That way you won't have to be the bad guy. But in reality you may have to be the bad guy, if her doctor won't step up and do their job.
I have to say...shame on her doctor for even suggesting that she can still drive even with restrictions. That is so maddening to me.
My late husband had vascular dementia after having a massive stroke many years earlier, and I would NEVER have let him drive with his broken brain once he was diagnosed. He was diagnosed in 2108(even though he was showing signs a good year before)and he died in 2020.
Again because vascular dementia is so aggressive, your moms decline will be much quicker than the other dementias, so instead of wondering if she should be driving again, I would concentrate more on getting all of her legal and medical ducks in a row, so you will be better prepared for the near future.
And I will end with this.....would you be able to live with yourself if your mom were to kill or seriously injure some innocent person/child, because of her poor judgement and broken brain?
If not, please do whatever you have to to keep her from behind the wheel.
His left side was affected by the stroke, and he didn't attend well to his left (which the examiner knew). He might or might not look in the left mirror. It was as if it wasn't there sometimes. This resulted in several near misses when I was in the car. Another time he pulled out of a parking lot onto the road and apparently only then recalled that he wasn't wearing his prescription sunglasses, which were in the compartment above the rearview mirror. He let go of the steering wheel with his left hand and reached for the compartment with his right hand. No hands on the steering wheel! I quickly grabbed the wheel and kept us from running off the road. This was a formerly good driver. I refused to ride with him after that. He had another driving evaluation and was okayed again, which boggled my mind.
I'd say no more driving for mom. She has dementia. Those "just short-term memory issues" are major when driving. MAJOR, and then add in all the things you don't yet know, such as deficiencies in attending to one side or the other, or what she'd do in an emergency situation that requires fast action and fast thinking. I wouldn't be too hopeful that she's capable enough to manage those issues now.
If the only reason the caregiver is there is that mom might want to be driven somewhere, the caregiver can come twice a week and mom needs to scrunch all her wanna-go-outs into that time frame.
A stroke is a major life-changing event, and you can talk about recovery and how well they're doing blah blah blah, but the fact is that they can go downhill fast and must accept their limitations. As must their loved ones.
You should worry about being held liable. You know she had a stroke, you know she hasn't been evaluated for driving (little good that does, IMO). If she kills or injures someone, yeah, that would be on you because you knew she shouldn't be out there. Plus the person she kills or injures could be herself, and you don't want that.
Take the car keys or disable the car. I'm sorry I can't give you more encouragement, and I wish this weren't happening to your mom.
Would you let mom drive you to a store? If it's yes let her bring you to the store and back, see how does.
If it's a no. Then I think you know the answer.
Sorry about your mom. 😔
Because other peoples children are out running around
I made an appointment with her primary under the pretense that my Mom never got her annual Medicare wellness physical (my Mom, the retired RN, wanted lab work yada yada). I sent a note to her doc in the portal saying I needed her to be assessed because I needed a daignosis on the clinic letterhead signed by the doctor. I gave her the verbatim words from the PoA and the financial institutions requiring this to recognize my PoA.
At that medical appointment I sat in the room with her, and let her speak for herself. The doc gave her a basic assessment, but then my Mom mentioned she still drives (95 yrs old). This raised the doc's eyebrows, she talked to my Mom about safety, reaction time, etc. and my Mom was adamant that she is a good driver. So the doc ordered a virtual driving assessment through their OT.
At first my Mom balked, and I was worried she wouldn't go but I told her if she's a good driver then she can prove it so that others will stop hassling her about it. They gave her a MOCA test and other tests, then a reaction time test. She failed by a lot. The OT (experienced in talking to seniors) explained that she was obligated to put "high risk" driver in her records.
The doc gets this information and fills out a form that she signed and sent into our Dept of Public Safety. They sent out a letter cancelling her license. She could go and take the driving test again (with a special instructor who works with elders) but she never asked to do it.
I then didn't talk about it with my Mom for several days, instead just reminding her that she now cannot legally drive. Then I mentioned that she should consider selling her car so she wouldn't have to pay the insurance, but she gave more resistance.
This past weekend she had pulled her car out of her garage to spray paint something, and lost the keys. Of course she blamed me and made me swear on "God's life" that I didn't take the keys. Luckily I have the backup non-fob key because she's yet to find them. My suspicion is she hid the keys so I wouldn't take them, and then couldn't remember where she put them.
I recommend your get your Mom in for an assessment and let doctors and government be the bad guys. Feel free to use therapeutic fibs to manuever her to the appointments.
That's bit ridiculous to have a caregiver all week just in case mom needs to go anywhere. It would be cheaper for her to take an Uber or taxi in that regard. If mom has memory issues chances are she should not be driving again. Period.
If you really think mom can drive, then have her drive you around for a week or so and see how she does. Don't offer prompts as she drives, just observe her.
Assume that as POA you could be liable for any damage she causes. That will focus your attention. Even if not found liable, you could be sued to prove it, which is almost as nasty. Do you really want to find yourself saying 'I let her drive (and kill a child) because I thought I wouldn't be liable'?
Cut the caregiver down to two days a week , for errands , shopping , lunch out and appointments. Schedule everything on those 2 days. It sounds like Mom can’t order food online to be delivered either , you could do that for her . Or order other things from Amazon etc . Don’t let Mom make you take her or tell you to run to the store for one thing at a time 5 days a week either.
Mom better get used to having to accept changes in her life because her driving days are either over for good or soon anyway . By accepting changes , I don’t mean that she gets to monopolize your time around her routine either . The person that needs help is the one that has to compromise . She had the stroke , you did not. You don’t have to upend your life .
My Mom gave up driving even before her stroke , when Dad was on hospice dying , she wagged her finger in my face and said “ I have a routine “. She expected me to drive her everyday out to lunch like my Dad was doing .
If I was POA I would say no driving or I give up POA . Both my mother and father in law had vascular dementia . Memory isn’t always the earliest symptom like it is in Alzheimer’s . For vascular dementia reasoning and judgement go first. They seemed more capable and with it than they really were which is often the case in the beginning . They can showtime and carry on good conversations . Doctor’s go by a 15 minute conversation . I had trouble getting the doctors to believe that my father in law ( especially ) was not “ right “.