My mother in law suffers from dementia and has lived with us for over ten years. We have seen a progressive decline in her abilities to manage on her own. Her short term memory is all but gone. She remembers things from the distant past,but anything from say the last twenty years is gone. Some of the behaviors we have seen are constant pacing,inability to focus on even simple things,loss of any semblance of hygiene unless we are right there to remind her,repeating the same questions over and over,constant eating because she can't remember that she just ate,etc. We have her going to adult day care three days a week and the other days my wife watches her. Yesterday my wife went out to walk the dog while I was cleaning the driveway from the last snow. I hear a noise and see my mother il law opening the door. I ask her what she is doing and she replies she is going to look for Cynthia. Cynthia is my wife. Mind you she has no idea where Cynthia is. Last night my wife's work schedule changed which threw my MIL all out of sorts. I had to have my wife call and tell her where she was. Five minutes later it is back to the same topic. It started at three in the afternoon. She decided she wanted to eat dinner. I told her that we wouldn't be eating dinner for a couple of hours,but that she could have something in the interim. She had cake,a muffin,and a bunch of chocolates. This morning I heard her up pacing the house at four thirty. She was in the kitchen trying to turn on the stove. She had a coffee mug full of water. I said to her put it in the microwave for two minutes. She had no understanding of what I was telling her. Later this morning my wife caught her trying to put a mug of water in the toaster oven. She caught it before she turned it on,but is these things that have us worried. She will not sit still and just paces always ending in the kitchen where she starts getting into things,trying to turn on the oven,toaster,or microwave. We are afraid she will forget that the oven is on and something will catch fire. We have found the oven on before with her nowhere in sight and claiming to know nothing about it. Her leaving the house in search of my wife has happened a couple of times. Last night because my wife had to work my MIL paced even more constantly searching for my wife's car. I told her on more than one occasion that my wife was working. It didn't help. I guess where I am leading is if we turn our back for a minute she is into things. My MIL is up at all hours of the night and doesn't go to bed until seven thirty in the evening. Even then she still gets up claiming she hasn't had dinner. We are frazzled.
Carol
Take care,
Carol
You didn't mention whether you have a durable power of attorney yet - if you don't, it's a very good idea to get that in place now. Both medical and financial.
If your wife isn't telling the doctor about the 'dementia', she isn't doing all she can for her mother. There are tests the doctor can give to see how far along she is, there are medicines that can be given for sleep, for the paranoia that sometimes accompanies this disease, the list goes on. While it's not curable, there are management techniques, if you choose to keep her at home.
My mother ended up in skilled nursing care (nursing home to us old folks) after a fall in the doctor's office. She was taken via ambulance to hospital, then to rehab. I liked the place and discovered there were many activities she seemed to enjoy. She made 'friends' with others. She has her own phone, a little bureau, a television. While she wants to come home, I tell her how nice it is there, how much she likes it there, etc. She seems to accept that. Now instead of losing sleep, I'm somewhat relieved she's in a 'safe' place with a bracelet that triggers an alarm when she decides to get out of bed in the wee hours of the morning to go outside.
I visit her a few times a week. We play Bingo. Tuesday we watched a singer with a bad toupee. She gets her nails done, there's a hairdresser there. There's a dining room, arts and crafts. She complains about the food there, I complain about the food at home. When I leave, I kiss her, tell her I love her, and I'll be back. She doesn't seem to have any sense of time.
My knobs are back on the stove, I can open my doors, and the only person I have to worry about placing aluminum in the microwave is me.
Your mother in law is beyond the care of an assisted living. Her hygiene and wandering are both a problem. No assisted living would take her if she is a wondering threat. That's too much of a liability. Mom need 24/7 care and attendance. Please listen to me and others who have answered your letter. Your wife isn't doing her mother any favors by not telling the Doctor everything he needs for her care. Get going for her own safety.
You are right to look for some answers, now. Good luck.