As this journey with my mom unfolds I'm realizing so much about our dysfunctional family dynamic.
My BIL called me the other day. I was shocked as he doesn't normally call me. He started by telling me I helped him through a rough time several years back and he felt the need to reach out to me now. I really didn't want to talk but he prodded and I finally did open up to him about my struggles. My sister ended up marrying a high school friend of my brother so my BIL has known our family including my mother for a very long time. He's seen some things to say the least.
One of the things I told him was I resented not only doing everything myself but having to worry on my own about all of the logistics. Like why wasn't anyone else having important conversations with my mom about selling some assets (her cottage and car out of state) and saving for future care?
His response to me was that everyone (meaning my sister and brother) knew that her response would be negative. He said "It's always been like that, she's difficult to approach".... got me to thinking, he's so right. Everyone has always walked on eggshells around my mom.
We all knew her behavior was dysfunctional. Having an alcoholic parent isn't normal. Yet my mother was never confronted, it was tolerated and somehow normalized.
I feel this strange pressure to "normalize" her continued dysfunctional behavior (addiction, narcissism, etc) and now even the dementia. I can't begin to think of a way to even have a conversation with her about her future care needs. Don't all sane people know that dementia is a different animal and majority of people end up needing to go to a facility? Yet this can't even be addressed. Yet at the same time my tolerance for this at this stage of my life is VERY low.
This is heavy on my mind because on Jan 4th my mom will be having an appointment with her PC. This is the doctor that I talked to when she was away last month. We had a confidential talk and I told him I was concerned that all of her doctors weren't communicating enough and I wanted to know why she needed daily opiates. He agreed there didn't appear to be any reason and he was going to talk to the pain doctor. I told him I was concerned about her cognition and he said he was going to read her evaluation. He mentioned that he may recommend an addiction specialist.
Well I got a reminder call about her appointment yesterday, and the person said she was to be seen for "mildly elevated labs (I think he will be addressing the drinking), cognitive impairment, and her pain complaints".
I'm nervous because I think there is a strong chance she will have a very negative reaction. At the same time I can't keep normalizing this stuff. The charade of independence with lack of cooperation is more and more intolerable.
Can anyone relate?
Parental conditioning, like Pavlov's dogs, we get "trained" to "correct" behavior. It can be difficult to break out of this "training", but it CAN be done! Many people never recognize the fact that what they are trained to do, following in their parents' footsteps, might be wrong! The insanity is perpetuated - people will say "...my parents did this and I turned out okay." I refused to be "okay" and repeat how my parents treated me when I had kids. It worked for me in that respect, but I was unable to stand up to others - that took much longer.
So, when you feel the pressure, banish it! Begone evil daemon! Don't give in to it.
"I can't begin to think of a way to even have a conversation with her about her future care needs."
If she has dementia, is there a need to have a conversation with her? As you suspect, she won't like the discussion and get angry, and then will forget it, so why go there? I only brought up AL once and her response said it all. This was from one who had planned to move to AL if/when needed and now had no use for it. We NEVER discussed dementia with her, as she would've denied that! One doctor did tell her it "wasn't safe for you to live alone." Bad idea. Mom went ballistic.
"Don't all sane people know that dementia is a different animal and majority of people end up needing to go to a facility?"
Not really - if one hasn't been down this road, one can be clueless. I had heard of Alzheimer's, but nothing else and no clue what the symptoms were or what to watch for. It was only when she started repeating herself that I did some research and began working on brothers to get them inline.
"I'm nervous because I think there is a strong chance she will have a very negative reaction."
Is it possible to arrange either alternate transportation OR bring a friend along? The friend can sit in the waiting room, but be with you for the ride home. Often having someone else around, esp a non-family member, can curtail the behavior (mind your Ps and Qs and not air the "dirty laundry" with outsiders!) Have your friend "walk" mom back to her condo and LEAVE with your friend. Mom might show up later or call to express her anger, but you don't have to answer the door/phone!
In one of your posts, you mention working with EC atty on facilitating the move. Hopefully you already have all the POA paperwork in hand. My experience with this (moving/atty) is:
1) Mom refused to even consider moving ANYWHERE, never mind AL
2) EC atty told me we couldn't "drag her out of the house", aka force her
3) EC atty suggested guardianship (major expense!)
4) Facility we chose would not accept committals, aka guardianship
I would work with the atty, research and visit (often) several MC/ALs, ask LOTS of questions of both Atty and Facilities, take notes, go back and visit the ones you liked, ask more questions. You can do all this w/out consulting mom or others in the family. It's a lot of effort, but once done, it's behind you. Any family pipes up saying what to do or what you're doing is wrong, ignore them or tell them THEY can take over and do it all. THAT should shut them up (it sounds more like they are avoiding so maybe this won't be an issue!)
Out of characters again - posting suggestions for move as a reply to me!
Once all is in place, if possible I would arrange some transport, even if it is another family member or a friend. When it came time to move our mother, I let my brothers handle it (I did all the prep/leg work!) In some way this may have helped me as she would hound my YB anytime he visited to take her back home but NEVER asked me! If this isn't possible (check around for transport in your area), prepare everything you need to move ahead of time and arrange someone to be there for movers, take mom out for a long leisurely lunch or shopping and lunch/dinner at the facility - they do often provide a free meal, then escort her to her new "home." Be prepared to exit ASAP. In mom's case, some subterfuge was used, but facility also ordered anti-anxiety to calm her as needed - when the discussion around guardianship happened, they said just get her here, we'll do the rest!
Bottom line is sometimes there is no way to "discuss" this with the person. In their mind they are fine, everyone is wrong, they don't need help or AL, etc. It can be like dealing with a toddler - you know when you bring something up, the tantrum will happen, so just avoid bringing it up and just do it!
(The subterfuge used was due to her developing cellulitis and needing treatment, which delayed her move by a few days - YB wrote up a phony letter from the hospital 'Elder Services' telling her she moves where we choose or they will move her. She was still angry, but reluctantly went with the brothers. I also bought BR furniture as I didn't see any way to move her BR furniture AND move her as well. Brothers were no help during the "prep." YB did bring some smaller items to her new place, like her rocking chair and stool. If the doctor can write up something stern enough that she can read over and over {make a copy so you have it if/when she throws it away!}, it might drive home the need, but it will come from someone else, not you)
Also for your own safety have someone else to drive you and your mum back, and a plan B of you going to stay with a friend or family that night (not staying next door to your mum even if you have to set up alternative carers to visit her) for a week or so while she takes in what was said on the 4th and/or realises that the current situation can not continue. Always remember "People treat you how you let them" so after so many years it is now time for you to look after yourself first.