As this journey with my mom unfolds I'm realizing so much about our dysfunctional family dynamic.
My BIL called me the other day. I was shocked as he doesn't normally call me. He started by telling me I helped him through a rough time several years back and he felt the need to reach out to me now. I really didn't want to talk but he prodded and I finally did open up to him about my struggles. My sister ended up marrying a high school friend of my brother so my BIL has known our family including my mother for a very long time. He's seen some things to say the least.
One of the things I told him was I resented not only doing everything myself but having to worry on my own about all of the logistics. Like why wasn't anyone else having important conversations with my mom about selling some assets (her cottage and car out of state) and saving for future care?
His response to me was that everyone (meaning my sister and brother) knew that her response would be negative. He said "It's always been like that, she's difficult to approach".... got me to thinking, he's so right. Everyone has always walked on eggshells around my mom.
We all knew her behavior was dysfunctional. Having an alcoholic parent isn't normal. Yet my mother was never confronted, it was tolerated and somehow normalized.
I feel this strange pressure to "normalize" her continued dysfunctional behavior (addiction, narcissism, etc) and now even the dementia. I can't begin to think of a way to even have a conversation with her about her future care needs. Don't all sane people know that dementia is a different animal and majority of people end up needing to go to a facility? Yet this can't even be addressed. Yet at the same time my tolerance for this at this stage of my life is VERY low.
This is heavy on my mind because on Jan 4th my mom will be having an appointment with her PC. This is the doctor that I talked to when she was away last month. We had a confidential talk and I told him I was concerned that all of her doctors weren't communicating enough and I wanted to know why she needed daily opiates. He agreed there didn't appear to be any reason and he was going to talk to the pain doctor. I told him I was concerned about her cognition and he said he was going to read her evaluation. He mentioned that he may recommend an addiction specialist.
Well I got a reminder call about her appointment yesterday, and the person said she was to be seen for "mildly elevated labs (I think he will be addressing the drinking), cognitive impairment, and her pain complaints".
I'm nervous because I think there is a strong chance she will have a very negative reaction. At the same time I can't keep normalizing this stuff. The charade of independence with lack of cooperation is more and more intolerable.
Can anyone relate?
Also, look for a book about Adult Children of Alcoholics, (author: Woitiz . . . might not have spelled it right ;) . There was a little questionnaire in the first chapter . . . . literally made me drop my jaw several times and have that lightbulb moment of awareness. Growing up in that environment affects everything moving forward. But it is possible to heal and make changes that are healthy for you! {{{hugs}}} to you. It's not easy, that's for sure.
Hoping the doctor's appt. goes well and you are able to address your real concerns, and get some help.
I already have found the online groups helpful. It seems the theme of "you can't control another person, you can only control how you react" applies in surviving a lot of issues, even dementia.
The whole "I must fix it" mentality that I inherited from childhood has been a problem for me at times in life. I think it helped me in my career, but in my personal life, not so much. And with my mother, it's been nothing but a nightmare.
I never thought I'd still have so much mental work and shifting to do in my later 50's but here I am. Looking back over the last two years though I think I've made ground. To be honest I credit this forum more than anything. Everything from the many people sharing similar and personal stories to the wise advice given her by caring people.
Thanks.
My dad doesn’t have dementia but due to a war injury, a bad car accident and several health crisis, he has noticeable cognitive decline. It’s been an issue for years. He has absolutely no business driving. He has totaled 3 cars in 10 years BECAUSE HE SHOULDNT BE DRIVING. He totaled my moms car while driving on a revoked license (was temporarily revoked because he was having seizures). He fell asleep while driving it in the middle of the day (he has narcolepsy IMHO, don’t know if he has ever been diagnosed though) and rolled the car and totaled it. This summer he totalled his own classic car that was easily worth $60-$70k. My mother will not tell him to stop driving, she will not take away the keys. Why? Because it’s easier to enable him. He’s buying guns left and right at age 71. He has 1 arm and again cognitive decline. Does my mom try to put a stop to it? HELL NO. He doesn’t need one gun let alone 15-20. I’ve always walked on egg shells around him because he’s got a very short temper and no patience. So I get it. My mom has to live with him and if she does anything that he perceives as her trying to control him, he loses his temper and all hell breaks out. But bottom line, she’s enabled him for years and the cycle continues. Me? I won’t put up with it. They came to visit 2 years ago and they took the kids to lunch and to toys r us. I went to put my sons car seat in their backseat & went to move a jacket and found a GUN! On the seat!! Aside from how flipppibg dangerous that is, it is very illegal here! My dad doesn’t live in thisbstate and therefore isn’t legally allowed to carry a gun here PERIOD. He does not have a permit. It is illegal to drive with a gun out in the open in a car like that. My dad however thinks he needs it for protection when he comes here. Why? I can’t tell you. My husband is a cop. We are safe here. My 71 year old dad with 1 arm and a gun is who we need protection from!!! Moving on.....my dad has lost his debit card 4 times this year! 4 times! Because it doesn’t register with him that he needs to put the damn card in his wallet as soon as he’s done paying & put his wallet in his pocket and THEN take his receipt and the bag. No, he puts his card in the machine, pays and then puts his card down next to the machine, takes his receipt and puts it in his wallet, puts his wallet in his pocket, grabs the bags and leaves! 2 times he left it at the liquor store across the road and the workers there all know my parents & brother so they held the card for him. But the last time he did it, he was at Lowe’s and when he went back to the store, his card was gone. And it was a nightmare trying to contact B of A to get the card cancelled. And what does my mom do? She has them send him a new card. All while losing her chit and calling him every name in the book because he’s lost his card again and she’s having a hell of a time getting the card cancelled! She can start giving him cash, she can get him his own account and transfer over the exact amount of money he needs ebery time he goes to the store. But she won’t do it. I won’t enable him. I don’t allow him to drive our cars. I don’t let my kids go in the car with him. I don’t put up with anything!
there is also my BIL and his financial irresponsibility. My SIL is keeping the cycle going by helping him out and footing the bill when he says he has no money. My husband and I simply say no. We never offer to help. He wastes his money left and right. He’s in his 40s and has a kid and yet he’s renting a bedroom in a strangers house. And just told my husband he’s spending thousands having an engine rebuilt. Doesn’t have a car for the engine either LOL. But you see what I mean? His priorities are messed up and always have been.
The driving thing is an issue for me too. I put my story on here already about how my mom got around her medical revocation in the state of FL by getting an out of state license. I did everything I could to stop it, including talking to cops in both states. My local cop here who was very nice said to me "I'm sorry but your mom beat the system". I was shocked. Apparently a medical revocation is not seen as a criminal matter, so she wouldn't get in trouble if she got pulled over since she has a "valid" PA license. It's so messed up. BUT if she were to be involved in an accident and there was an investigation she would be so screwed legally and wouldn't have a leg to stand on in any kind of lawsuit, nor would her insurance pay, because ultimately, it would be found out in a civil court that she committed fraud to get the PA license.
That gun stuff with your dad is scary. My FIL is a bit of a gun nut and so is my BIL on my husband's side. They own like 20 guns too. I've always thought what's the point? Maybe your dad's military training drives him? I'm sorry about his injury. I hope he has good VA benefits, he definitely earned it!
Hey on that driving thing with your dad, have you ever reported him anonymously to the DMV in his state? I think just about every state allows for that. That would at least prompt a re-test and/or evaluation.
My brother is kind of like your BIL. He's in his 50's and has been a life long financial mess due to his own poor choices over and over. I had to chuckle at the engine story of your BIL. I definitely do not enable my brother, so maybe I'm not such a lost cause on this enabling thing, lol.
Thanks for sharing your experiences.
You seem to worry ALOT about how your mother will react to your "spilling the beans".
I see this a lot in dysfunctional families; one of the symptoms, if you will, of dysfunctionality is that there is a family secret that MUST be kept from the outside world at all costs. Because if everyone knows, then.....
Then what, we ask? What will happen? Will the world end? No. Will the addict blow up and become angry, YES.
And then?
When you realize that the addict blowing up and getting angry is the ADDICT's problem and not yours, it kind of changes the landscape, doesn't it?
As a child, you HAD to keep your mother calm; without her, you might not have a home, food, blankets, a MOTHER.
You are a self-sufficient adult now. Frankly, you don't NEED your mother, except that she still has this hold on you. She is controlling your through fear, obligation, guilt and the need to keep her secret, her shame, out of the public eye.
Except, that all her friends know, don't they? You aren't hiding anything.
It sounds, frankly, like your brother and sister have walked away. You chose to try to fix mom's problems.
But mom doesn't want your help; she wants you to abet and enable her addiction.
You have a choice, don't you?
Something did significantly shift in me with the realization of the opiate addiction. Not in a mean judgmental way because I feel sorry for addicts in general, they are usually medicating emotional pain, and I suspect that is the case with my mom too. But the lies and sneaking just triggered me and I thought No, I'm not doing this again. IF her treating doctors agree that she should be on them, then fine. But the lies and scamming must stop. Drinking with opiates must stop. I'm not playing those games anymore. In fact I said that to her PC- "She needs compassionate pain control but I would like all her doctors involved so the best decisions are made", that is when he said that he would (may) suggest an addictions specialist. Interesting this was also a recommendation that came after her neuro-psych eval, but no doctor followed up with my mom concerning those recommendations. That seems to be changing now with her PC getting more involved, so I'm trying to be hopeful about it.
Detaching emotionally continues to be a process for me, and I know I vent on her A LOT, but slowly I think I'm making some progress. Just having that conversation with her PC was a significant step for me, but I did it.
I've also been more assertive both mentally and in my conversations (like with BIL the other day) that I have an endpoint here. That placement is in our future. I'm thinking about the practical matters already like finances. I've been researching facilities in my area (haven't visited any yet) and getting used to the idea, because for a long time I just had this NO END IN SIGHT despair that's really hard to take.
To answer a couple of your questions, no I haven't been to an Al-Anon meeting yet, but I've been doing a lot of online reading and joined an online group. I'm learning some things. And yes, her friends know she is an alcoholic. The majority (if not all) of her friends through life have been heavy drinkers and fellow alcoholics. That is how she likes to have fun. She isn't interested in bingo at the senior center.
Thanks again for being a great listener and spot on with your advice.
Getting my mother’s doctors more involved is one way I’m backing off. A doctor is not going to normalize things she expects everyone else to normalize. I want them to start the conversation so she can’t deny the existence of the problems.
I still have a road ahead of me here but my ultimate goal is to leave this circus.