My daughter, 65, has been living with me for the last 5 years after a long series of personal and health issues. She brought her cat with her. She has been chronically depressed, financially on medicaid, alienated from her only child (a son), has had several surgeries for back and neck, fully mentally capable of making her own decisions, but has had some falls. Currently she is in the hospital for surgery that has to be postponed for several weeks due to an infection. She can get to bed and couch and toilet, barely. I am worried she is going to self-discharge. She is a heavy drinker, but not a drunk. She smokes in my house with numb hands. Her cat has urinated on my carpets until they are ruined. She can't get her own food or drink and can't bathe or wash her hair. Can't even brush her own hair, and she won't let me do it. She is larger than I am, so I can't lift her or bathe her. She has zero self-esteem. I don't like living this way but I love her. She won't share her issues with family members or allow me to do so. Am I enabling her?
Respectfully, I'm not buying the "She is a heavy drinker, but not a drunk." This is your Mother brain lying to you. Please do yourself a favor and attend Al-Anon meetings for a dose of reality.
What is enabling?
Enabling is doing for someone something that they are capable of doing themselves. You may not feel comfortable with how bad or slowly they do something, but if they are doing it, then they are doing it. You need to step away to force them to do it.
It is ok to feel *grieved* for your daughter's circumstances but practice not feeling *guilt*. You are guilty of nothing (except if you continue to enable).
My church annually hosts the Adult and Teen Challenge inpatients to our church where they sing and give their testimonies. You should hear some of what those peoples' lives have been like... holy crap. This gives a person perspective.
You may want to consider talking to a therapist to help you identify and defend healthy boundaries with your daughter (cuz she's not gonna like you stepping away). BetterHelp.com is online access to affordable counseling. I can personally attest to the fact that finding the line between enabling and being a proper Mother is very very blurry at first.
You have lots of support and wisdom to mine here, so post as many questions as you have (and updates if you can). Blessings to you!
At some point you may feel compelled to try to lift her. She's your daughter, and you want to help. But you can't do that without compromising your own safety. Cat urinating on carpets is not only undesirable but carries health risks. Anyone smoking in your house creates bad air quality, and you all have to breathe the air, including the poor cat. Because daughter has numb hands, that's even worse. Not only for you, but also for daughter. She and her numb hands could burn your house down, and you'd all die.
Please talk to the hospital discharge workers and insist that they find other placement for her because it would be an unsafe discharge to your place. I'm sure they can find somewhere that she can be cared for 24/7 by caregivers trained in what she needs.
I'm concerned about your mental health, too. You're allowing things to happen in your home that you wouldn't allow under normal circumstances. Such as smoking by someone who cannot feel her hands. Such as cat waste product sprinkled copiously here and there. Such as a heavy drinker who is not a drunk!? Wait a minute....a heavy drinker IS a drunk. That's why people drink heavily in the first place - to GET drunk. Her drinking is not helping your daughter's health one bit. And that impacts you and your mental health. Gotta get her out of there and replace the carpets.
I wish the very best for you and for your daughter. Good luck.
The good news is that she is currently in a place where they have professionals who deal with people like her all the time. She's never going to get any better if you allow her to be discharged back into your home. She needs professional care and that's not you!
The cat is probably acting out because your daughter doesn't take care of it! It's not the poor animal's fault. Cats need a *clean* litterbox, clean water, access to food, and stimulation/attention. Maybe you can give that poor creature the TLC it needs and it will stop peeing all over your house.
Now that she's in the hospital, make sure that the social worker knows that your daughter CANNOT return back to your home as she is an unsafe discharge, and you can no longer care for her.
Keep saying unsafe discharge until they get it and decide to find placement for her. They will try and tell you all the help that they will supply if you agree to take her back, but DON'T listen to their lies as they won't do any of it.
It's time to be the adult in the situation and get your daughter the help she needs. Will she be pissed off at you? Of course she will, but in the long run she will know that you did what you did out of love for her and the fact that you want the very best for her.
You've both been living a nightmare and it's time for it to be over so you both can get on with living and enjoying whatever life you may have left.
And yes your daughter is an alcoholic. Please let her doctors know that as they will help her detox while she's in the hospital.
And please start going to Al-Anon as they will help you better understand the horrible disease of alcoholism, and help you see just how you are enabling her.
I hope you'll have the inner strength to do what you know needs to be done regarding your daughter and you can get some peace back in your home.
1) “She won't share her issues with family members or allow me to do so”. Your 65 year old daughter has no power to stop you ‘sharing her issues’, which she has made YOUR issues too. Be honest and up front with the family members who have been kept in the dark. There is no reason why you should keep it all a secret, when you need all the help you can get.
2) “I don't like living this way but I love her”. You don’t have to stop loving her. You can love her just as much when she is getting proper care outside your home.
3) “I am worried she is going to self-discharge”. Talk to the social worker at the hospital and tell them that you cannot take her back. Be clear and honest about the problems. Say that it is a risk to you. “She is larger than I am, so I can't lift her” means that your back is at risk. Get as much help as you can from the social worker, as well as from your other family members.
4) “Feel great guilt”: What do you think you are guilty of? Perhaps not using common sense to look after yourself?? That sounds harsh, but what else can one say? Perhaps it's shame (to have a daughter like this), not guilt. If shame is the reason why you keep this all a secret from the family, you need to know that you are NOT responsible for the bad life choices of a 65 year old.
5) “When is it time?” Answer: NOW
That's what acloholics and addicts do to their enablers. They want them isolated from family and friends because they don't want people to know what's going on because it could potentially mean a change in them in being able to stay active in their addiction.
If their enabler has a support system, they usually stop enabling.
A 60 year old alcoholic who smokes and drinks in your home and allows her cat to urinate in it.
You have, yes, enabled her, but the real question here is what exactly is wrong with her?
Clearly she is disabled in some way; and she has had back surgery.
But that has little to do with someone so unkempt as not to brush her own hair nor allow you to help her to do so.
Your daughter, whatEVER reason she requires this much care, requires too much care to be in the care of someone likely in her 80s.
It is time to have an honest discussion that you no longer wish your daughter to live in your home. That means either placement after good assessment, or it means she maintains herself in a small efficiency apartment.
I think this is not going to be easy. but guilt is off the ledger. You didn't CAUSE this and you can't FIX this and trying to care for it will KILL you. What of your daughter THEN?
It's time for honesty. Either you keep doing this or you don't. Given you have taken your daughter into your home you may need to consult an elder law attorney or APS. DO NOT TAKE ON POA. Let the state take over care of your daughter. In the end this may come down to an eviction attorney.
Or--just move out and get your own efficiency apartment. I shudder to think this is your HOME you are seeing be trashed in this manner, because there's nothing that lasts like cat pee. But I shudder to think it is someone else's, as well.
I am so sorry. I would imagine when you took daughter in five years ago the agreement was that this was temporary, and that you never imagined this. But here it is.
I honestly wish you the very best, but you painted yourself in a very bad corner indeed, and I cannot think it will be easy to remove someone who is unable to get it together to brush her own hair. This sounds like mental illness undiagnosed, of some kind from what little you tell us.
My mom loved her first born son. Sadly, he had many issues that caused her lots of grief.
Did my mom enable my brother? Absolutely! Just like you are enabling your daughter.
My brother expected me to do the same thing for him as mom did. I showed him what he could do to help himself but that wasn’t what he wanted.
My brother got angry with me for not enabling him like my mom did. Once, he said to me, “I wouldn’t treat a dog the way you treat me.” I think that I surprised him when I said, ‘I treat my dog very well. He’s appreciative of me.’
Yeah, it hurts but think about it. What hurts more? To continue on with life as it has been or to hear some harsh words from your daughter?
I think that you would like to have your life back. I think you would love to have self respect and you certainly deserve it.
Seek support from others. Vent on this forum. We have all vented when needed.
Say to yourself that you can and will do whatever is necessary for you and your daughter to have a better life. Go to Al-Anon. Encourage her to go to AA meetings.
We are behind you in this. You aren’t alone even if you feel like you are.
Take your life back and give your daughter the opportunity to find hers. She just may thank you one day.
Wishing you and your daughter all the best.
If she is 65 you have to be about 85? While she is in the hospital, you inform the Social Worker and the Surgeon that you cannot care for her in your home. She will need to go to Rehab or a SNF if she is going to need care. Tell them what she cannot do for herself and that at 85 your not capable. Ask for a 24/7 evaluation. If its found she will need 24/7 Care then she needs to go into LTC or if she can afford it maybe an AL.
Don't let anyone tell you there is help. Your daughter has to meet the criteria. Your too old to have people in and out of your home. Too old for your daughter to expect u to care for her. You just say my home and she can't come back here. She can't afford the cost of care and I can't afford to pay it either. Be firm. At your age I would be surprised that you would be expected to do her care. Don't except "in home". All you get is an aide 3x a week and some therapy. It only lasts as long as Medicare feels she needs it.
The cat, if she ends up in care, take it to a shelter and please don't feel guilty. I had a cat that peed everywhere. She was on anxiety meds. I had her for 16 years. I had to have all my rugs pulled up and new laid down.
Allowing a cat to urinate all over your home is vile. Why do you put up with all of this, especially st THIS stage of your life? Love often means we have to speak the truth to our children, forcing them to come to terms with their own behaviors and taking responsibility for themselves. Telling them it's NOT okay to smoke and drink away the days in YOUR home while neglecting her "pet" whose now ruined your carpet. Have an intervention and put an end to this gross taking advantage of you she's been doing.
Do not allow her to come back to your home from the hospital. She may have to go to rehab to recover, which she'll likely fight due to having no access to booze or cigarettes for the duration. Refuse to take her Home from the hospital OR rehab and get the social workers to place her in managed care. This may be her saving grace to get HER clean and sober and self reliant again, and you to take your life back. Because you ARE enabling her to stay sick and needy and to keep yourself scared and trapped as her caretaker. Stop the insanity now.
Best of luck to you both.
Like there is no more smoking indoors. No alcohol allowed in your house. She's 65 years old. Her self-esteem issues are not your fault. It's up to her to do something to help life and to feel better about herself.
You love your daughter and the best kind of love you can give her, the one that will really help her is TOUGH love.
If you really want to help her, put the brakes on her crap TODAY! Make yourself plain in your speech and tell her that is she wants to eat, she will have to get herself to the dining table. If she wants to smoke she will have to get herself outside, and if she wants to drink she will have to leave your property to do so.
Also, there will have to be homecare coming in to help her bathe and wash her hair regularly. Never be tolerant of a person refusing to be neat and clean in your home. You have a right to demand this. You have a right to no smoking, no drinking in your house. If your daughter will not abide by this, I'm sure you haven't changed the location of the front door. She can leave and go into a nursing home.
Your daughter needs to get her act together and she isn't going to if you continue to enable and indulge her. Right now today, you should tell that if she's planning on self-discharging AMA Against Medical Advice (which she will likely do because she isn't getting booze and cigarettes in the hospital) make sure she knows she cannot return to your home. Make sure the hospital knows it too.
As for her "allowing" you to talk about the situation at home with family members, you don't need her permission. She's doing what alcoholics do. Isolating her chief enabler so you will maintain the status quo and continue enabling her to be active in her addictions to alcohol and cigarettes. That's why she doesn't want you talking to anyone. Talk to your family anyway. Maybe they can help you to stay strong and give your daughter what she needs.
You will likely feel guilt. But then need to try to rationalize it out as per the points others have made, that its the right thing to do. IT will take time for the guilt to improve.
We originally took Ashlann (the step-daughter) in because when she was sober she was helping care for him. However, I feared for us when she was back to alchol. She smoked cigs and could have burned down our house (yes, outside but they can catch fire!). Her father would have been trapped. We had a smoke alarm go off in the house and it was a tiny little fire, luckily, I was home, had I not been she would have slept through it! She sounds like she needs to be in sober living or AL as she is not mobile and addiction really causes a person to be mentally gone. The smoking alone is a fire hazard.
The poor cat is probably just stressed out. Is it a male unfixed? If he is unfixed he will mark. As long as you keep the litter clean, cats will go in the box. Maybe put it in a quieter place. Cats are also grazers so leave a little food rather than one meal. If you cannot lift a person, you are in danger of hurting your loved one and others. I know it is the pot calling the kettle black as I have been doing transfers for my DH for over two years, but is it really in his best interest? Is it safe? I would agree that she needs personalized care.
So sorry this is happening :(
Wishing you peace as you grieve. No one should ever have to bury their child.
Many years ago I watched my mother bury her first born son who was an addict. It’s heartbreaking.
Whether or not this makes you feel guilty depends on your own attirude. It sounds like the safest choice for both of you is care outside of your own home, Do not allow yourself to be manipulated by guilt or by what you think you " should" do to avoid criticism from others. You need to make a wiser choice than continuing what your daughter has gotten used to for the last 5 years.
Good luck and I send good thoughts your way.
Please read any of the boundary books by Townsend and Cloud. Formulate a plan to deal with her problem behaviors. Please consider telling case management/social services that she can not return to your home after her hospitalization. They can help find placement for her... and her cat.
It's time when you say it's time.
And when you get to that point there should be NO "guilt"