My mom is 74-years-old and has a 25 year gambling addiction and some sort of mental decline (maybe like Dementia) due to cholesterol blockages in the main arteries in her brain. I have noticed that she can't spell or read anymore and recently asked me to get her an old manual type of sewing machine, because she can't seem to figure out how to use hers anymore (she sewed on it for 30 years). She also is scared to drive and recently drove away from the gas station with the pump handle in her tank. She's also very moody, argumentative, paranoid and seems very depressed. She says childish things like "I'm going to run away and you'll never see me again" or "I can take care of myself and I don't need your help."
My Dad died two years ago and my failure-to-launch, 53-year-old brother, who is also a gambling addict and has mental instability due to Meth use lives with her and takes her Social Security. I was left as Trustee over their estate and I pay all my Mom's bills and make sure the house is taken care of. They gamble away her Social Security. I hate that I'm legally required to enable their gambling. They want for nothing.
She keeps allowing family members who are hard on their luck move in with her and then they use her. I recently had to evict my half-brother and his wife from her house through legal proceedings (they wouldn't leave.) I had to kick my abusive uncle out of her house earlier this year. She also has retained a lawyer to fight the validity of the Trust that was set up for her, because she feels I'm controlling her too much and she should be able to spend the money as she sees fit. She would become destitute in no time.
She's supposed to have brain surgery to place shunts in the arteries in her brain to restore blood flow and oxygen to her brain. It's a serious surgery and I get that, but she's scared and refusing to even see the Neurosurgeon. However, it's crazy to think that a Dementia patient could be cured from Dementia by such a surgery.
She also does not manage her Diabetes well, her High Cholesterol or her High Blood Pressure. I know she's not eating well either and doesn't seem to make meals anymore. She also wreaks of urine and BO and doesn't shower often, claiming it damages her skin and makes her break out.
A person's independence and autonomy are probably the most precious thing you have at the end of your life. I take it very seriously. Coupled with her gambling addiction and co-dependence with my brother, who threatens suicide often, I feel stuck between a rock and hard place.
I would love to have my mom live with me, as she could be a part of our family and I'm a stay-at-home-mom. I know the transition would be hard on her, but she's still pretty mobile and not deathly ill. Does anyone have any insight on this?
I also have to deal with my mentally unstable brother. Gawd...I know he would be homeless if I didn't intervene. I've talked to gambling recovery centers, but they won't take him, because he has auditory hallucinations and threatens suicide. What do you do for a person like him?
My attorney says I should obtain Guardianship over my mom and even consider it for my brother. Based on what I've written, is it time? I feel utterly torn up about taking a step like that. Also, I DO NOT want to put my mom through that, because I know she'll fight like hell and what if the judge says she's fine?
Any insight would be so helpful to me.
Sheila
I would not get guardianship over your brother. I know you feel some responsibility here but you can't help those who are not ready to be helped. You really have to let them reach bottom. With guardianship you are responsible to the state and once gotten, they are not quick to let you revolk it. Let the state take guardianship if it comes to that.
Your priority is to "your" family. Your husband and children. Moving Mom in is not fair to any of them. Dementia is hard to deal with when your my age and retired. I can't imagine dealing with it when I had a family to care for. There is no rhyme or reason to it. Its like caring for another child who can't be reasoned with.
Moms Dementia may be caused by blockages in the brain. Her brain is not getting the oxygen it needs. Once it does, her symptoms may improve. You really need to discuss this with her doctor. What are the risks and what good will come out of it. What will Mom need in the aftermath. Rehab? You are going to have to weigh the costs. No money for extended rehab? Then maybe she will need Medicaid to pick up what Medicare doesn't cover. And this needs to be discussed when Mom is admitted to rehab. You have to be upfront with her finances.
Your mother will fight you tooth and nail. Also, many of her issues are intrinsic to her: she will import her addictions and her dramas into your home, where your children are growing up. You can stop her bringing your brother and her circus of undesirables with her, but you can't stop her bringing the habits and personality that fostered the situation in the first place and make her now advanced ill health so incredibly difficult to manage.
Do not bring your mother to live with you. Do not.
None of this is your fault; but what I think is even more important is that there is no way you can gain control of this situation - you, a lay person, with no legal or mental health or social work training and nothing but love and your sense of duty to work with. It's unreasonable to expect so much of yourself.
I agree with your attorney that guardianship is the answer; but I don't think you should be the guardian. Ask your attorney whose hands it would be better placed in.
Is the Trust irrevocable? If yes, she has found a sleaze ball attorney that is going to bilk her out of money and the sad thing is the Trust will have to pay.
There has to be some pretty serious issues for a court to intervene on a irrevocable trust. Get an attorney, I would not us the same one that created the trust, who is probably a fine attorney, but will not look at his own work with objective eyes, no one does. Have the trust reviewed for legality, start keeping track in a journal of everything that is happening with your mom. If the new attorney sees nothing wrong, no loop holes and believes that it will stand up in court, have him send a heavy letter to the attorney, he may be able to state that no attorney fees will be paid from the trust funds, he/she will know the legalities of that.
You are going to have to be aggressive in stopping this whole circus of legal wrangling. People have the idea that attorneys have ethics and morals, not so much (nothing personal anyone), there are some but they are all trying to earn a living and will twist the law and cost people loads of money, in the end they are the only winner.
If your mom is entitled to her SS as her pocket money, you need to stop worrying about how she spends it, your dad, I assume, knew what he was doing. Let her spend her money however she wants, you have to do what the trust says as trustee, if you don't want to do that you can appoint another trustee.
Secondly, has your brother been declared incompetent or is he just a dead beat druggie? If he has been declared then you need to call 911 every time he threatens suicide, actually even if he is just a dead beat druggie you need to call 911 every time. He may have special consideration if he has been declared, if not, you can call APS and file a complaint of financial exploitation of a vulnerable senior.
You need to NOT subject your family to this woman and her son, you will regret bringing her into your home from day one. She already thinks you have to much control, what do you think she will do when she is in your home and has no independence at all? She will make your life, your husbands life and your kids life a living nightmare.
This is her money, left to her by her husband. She needs to be taken care of and if that means every penny goes to that care, so be it. You intervening and bringing her home will destroy you and your family. There is no cure for what ails her. Let her have her fun with her SS, do what you are supposed to do as trustee and go live your life. You are entitled to compensation as trustee, take it. Minimize contact with your mom and brother, life will happen and she will need more care , at that point you make decisions about where to place her or to bring in home health.
You are trying to control her and her pocket money and that makes all of us angry, once you stop, you will see the situation calm down.
Read the stories on this website and you will know what you are asking for by thinking you can fix her by bringing her to your house. You need a wake up call. No offense intended, you just don't have any idea how bad of an idea it is, yet.
If anything, I would take on that attorney and tell him/her s/he could be up on charges for fraud and for misleading/taking advantage of an elder if s/he is telling the mother this is possible!
Read more at:
Investopedia page www.investopedia.com/terms/i/irrevocabletrust.asp
Just the fact that her mental capacity is declining is enough. But the fact that your brother is taking advantage of her is another reason.
And it also sounds like your brother need a guardian as well.
If you can not handle both, and it is a very big task, obtain guardianship for your mother and the state can become guardian for your brother. If the lawyer is suggesting the guardianship I am sure that he/she would not recommend it if he were not sure guardianship would be granted.
As far as the surgery for your mom, it may prevent further damage by allowing blood and oxygen to be restored fully BUT it will NOT reverse damage that has been done and if the blockages return you will have the same problems again. At 74 this is a tough decision.
As far as having your mom move in with you..what would you do with the house? Your brother can't possibly live there by himself. Is your house easily converted to one that can be easily converted to handicapped accessible? No carpet? no stairs that you mom would have to navigate? large bathroom that a walker, wheelchair can get into and move? shower that has no barrier? How will your family feel when and if 90% of your time is with your mom when she needs more care? Can you and will you be able to use the funds from selling the house to hire help because you will need it. House adaptations and hiring help from the sale is something that you will have to discuss with the lawyer. (and I hope the lawyer is well versed in elder law)
Addicts don’t stop and usually get worse, especially since she has a partner in crime (your brother). He will be hanging out at your home. Not an ideal situation for anyone.
It's hard under any circumstances having a parent live with them. Trust me I know. My mom has lived with me since 2005 and I am exhausted! She needs help daily with everything. I am planning to look at facilities in my area for my mom in the near future.
I am torn, feeling guilty but I can’t hang in limbo anymore wondering what is available for her. So, I am at least going to start looking and then decide what options are out there.
I would not have been able to even think about future plans for her without the encouragement of the wonderful, smart and compassionate posters on this site.
My heart goes out to you and I wish you the very best. I completely understand about your brother as well.
The only memories I have of my brother since I was around 6 years old was him being addicted to heroin. Please don’t do that to your children. Don’t let him be a major influence in their lives. It’s so confusing to a child. I know first hand how it feels. They can care about him as their uncle but he doesn’t have to live with you and wreck havoc on your lives.
I look back and see where the innocence of my childhood was robbed from me. Of course in those days, my parents struggled terribly with how to deal with it and I know they did their best. There were no support groups for families then. There was a lot of shame. My heart aches for all who are struggling with addiction and their families. Thank God, no one else in our family struggled with addiction. Some parents have several children who become addicts.
I took care of my brother knowing full well that he would eventually die due to his addiction. He had Hep C, no cure then. I will never forget being at his side in hospice on that last day (I did forgive him) or making his final arrangements, which was to be cremated.
I hung on because I felt a responsibility to my mother. I felt so badly about her losing her first born son.
Please take care of yourself. I am just now realizing that my life matters. I owe a lot to the other posters who have pointed out things that I really needed to look at and I am grateful to everyone for being honest with me.
Transitional times are tough. We get set into a routine and lose ourselves but it’s time that we find ourselves again. Hopefully, without too much guilt. If we experience some guilt, let’s hope it isn’t for too long so we can finally learn to live our lives in peace.
It doesn’t mean that we are heartless or don’t care about others but we are equally as important. It has taken a long time for that to sink in my thick skull!
The other family members need to get a life and stop leaching off your mother.
I have been involved in a guardianship for a disabled person and you should go in with your eyes open. I'm not sure if it's the same in every state, but in Texas we had to account for EVERY PENNY of what was done with the person's own money. We had to submit an annual report to the court for approval. It had to balance TO THE PENNY every time. This also added to the expenses in the form of legal fees. I would say a guardianship is the last resort. If you can get it done with a trust or POA, do it.
Another thing about guardianship: your other relatives have to be notified when it happens, and they can contest it and so forth. As Isthisrealyreal said, the attorneys are the only ones who win in all of this.
It's bizarre how you can feel blindsided all of a sudden. I thought she was okay living on her own, but I now see that she needs more assistance than I imagined.
You've all been so gracious to respond. Thank you!
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