I am on disability & my husband is also ill. I have 2 siblings who don't help as much. My mother makes me feel guilty after I have been helping her most of the day & I attempt to go home to rest or make dinner for my husband. She will say let him wait. She says things of this nature even though she has care at home. She tells me not to call any friends. She will even tell me not to go to physical therapy that is much needed. If I attempt to make plans with my husband to go to church, she will try to sabotage the day.
I visit her least two to three times a day and call her every two hours when I am not with her. If I don't call her by a certain time, she becomes mad at me. She criticizes me by saying I should get a job, even though I am an attorney who was hurt in WTC Bombing and had to go on disability due to 2 spinal fusions in my neck. I am now getting increased pain in my neck. She will say very hurtful things to provoke my anger. When I do get angry, she always smiles. But then I become very guilty. No matter how much I do I always feel guilty. I always feel badly. I know that I'm doing more than enough, but I always feel badly. I never feel good about what I am doing for her. Of course, when I do lose it, I feel badly about that. Is there a book about patience when the elderly parent/patient becomes too demanding?
Boundaries
By Cloud and Townsend
Hope things get better
You would be wise to not engage in explanations, etc. - you do not owe your mom any discussion of your decisions, of your business. Trying to justify yourself just encourages her to think that you can be manipulated.
Your husband comes first - you two have a long and happy road ahead but you both have to work at it. I'd put my time and energy there. IMO that is where morality lies.
I am religious and I have been a church volunteer for a long time. So, I have previously asked my Monsignor or his assistant his or her opinion from time to time regarding the extent of my involvement in my mother's care. They each said I should help my mother, but not at the expense of my own physical or emotional health.
And, you are also right, my obligation is really towards my husband first and then my mother. But, I also have to love myself, too. I am neglecting myself to the point that I am not making some crucial medical appointments let alone spending any time with friends. I have two start to do that now.
I like that's typical "Feelings are not Facts!"
In your original post, you said:
"No matter how much I do I always feel guilty. I always feel badly. I know that I'm doing more than enough, but I always feel badly. I never feel good about what I am doing for her."
If you know you are doing a lot, more than enough and still feel guilty and badly or don't feel good about what you do for her, then step back. Regroup. WE can tell you that you are going WAY above and beyond for this woman. If she was an excellent mother and was only occasionally nasty now, sure, you got along great, you can let a few moments slide and enjoy what time she and you have left. However that is not the case. She is and was abusive. 2-3 times a WEEK, not a DAY would still be more than I would give to a person who behaves like her. Calling every 2 hours? It isn't like she's on her deathbed!!! She really doesn't deserve what you do for her and the excessive time you spend on her, so certainly you shouldn't be considering more, but rather should be generating a plan on how to extricate yourself!
You survived and suffer from a horrible experience. You need time and effort to heal yourself AND work on your marriage (most DO take effort to sustain!) Beating yourself up for possibly not doing enough for an ungrateful, hurtful person needs to stop. You are one person. You need to care for yourself first, hubby second. Arranging mom's care comes next, but should not overshadow everything else. Arrange care, not provide or be there so much. If she refuses those caring for her, she will have to move to a facility.
You need to hold your head up and feel GREAT about yourself.
Some good lines from Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive":
At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong
And I learned how to get along
...
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
Do you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die?
Oh no, not I, I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
And I've got all my love to give and I'll survive
I will survive, hey, hey
...
It took all the strength I had not to fall apart
Kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart
And I spent oh-so many nights just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high and you see me
Somebody new
I'm not that chained-up little person and still in love with you
...
Well, now I'm saving all my lovin' for someone who's loving me
...
I've got all my life to live
And I've got all my love to give and I'll survive
I will survive
THINK about what she has done and continues to do - done you wrong!
GROW strong - resist the guilt and bad feelings she feeds into you!
LEARN how to avoid her negativity and how to not respond.
REMEMBER that she is the one hurting you.
DON'T crumble!
DON'T lay down and die!
SURVIVE!!!
LOVE hubby and stay alive!
LIVE your LIFE!
GIVE your love to those who appreciate it!
DON'T fall apart!
MEND that broken heart!
NO feeling sorry for yourself!
NO more tears!
HOLD your head up high and be somebody new!
DON'T be that chained-up little person!
SAVE that loving for someone loving you (HUBBY!)
LIVE YOUR LIFE AND GIVE YOUR LOVE AND SURVIVE!!!
You are still in the learning stages. It will get better for YOU once you can better tune her out. (I also read another post from you before posting this. If she refuses the nurse and PT, so be it. As we are always told, EVEN the dementia patients rights are respected. They don't want PT, they don't get PT. You can lead a horse - but not your mother - to water, but you can't make him drink!)
What seems like a backfire really isn't. It clearly bothers your mother that you have drawn a line. Well, that more negative treatment of you can backfire on her as well - she pulls more crap, stay away longer. Do not call to wish her goodnight. The more you are not there or the less often you call, the less she can get under your skin. If you do not get desired results, so be it. It alleviates all the negativity on you. Let her stew in her own juice. You CANNOT ensure her happiness - that comes from within. Trying to please her will not increase your happiness either. You just need to learn to not respond, not react and protect yourself. If that means cold-turkey no visits or calls, that's the way it needs to be. No guilt either. You arrange for her care, that is more than enough. My mother is not like that (she can be nasty and negative, but not like your mom!), but I don't spend nearly the time you do (no calls as she cannot really hear on the phone so she has no phone.) I feel so long as I provide what she needs, we're good. If I were neglecting her, that should make me feel guilty.
When you say she was even more mean, and critical when you tried to leave, you gave excuses. No. No. No. No excuses or explanations, just calmly GO. By giving her feedback, she is refueling and firing back again at you. Time to go, out you go. Bye mom! Have a nice night mom! That's all the response she should get, if that. Do not storm out, just calmly, blithely exit. Don't slam the door. Any reaction you make only refuels her!!! She gets meaner the next time, then stay away/do not call for even longer. she may try to switch gears and level guilt on you. Don't fall for that either. It would be easy to accept guilt for not being there or calling, but there is a very good reason for that to happen and SHE was the reason. Guilt trip is another invite to leave. Any guilt should be for not spending more time with your husband - work on that!
She tells you to go, who cares. You were already leaving, right? That 2 1/2 hours spent with her would have been better spent with your husband. At least (we hope) he appreciates you. What perverse glee might you get spending it with that wretch (sorry, she is your mother, but just giving birth doesn't make anyone Pollyanna.)
You really need to cut that umbilical cord. Your mom has 24/7 care. Your mom has visiting doctors and nurses. Even new aides do not need your presence. Type up the instructions you give to them and provide that. They should have a copy anyway, but if you write it up, there is no need for you to be there. No calls from them if mom directs it, but they can call/text if they have legit questions about her care. Your mother does not need you to be there, but your husband does. You can arrange for her care without being there and that is what you should do. After a while, drop in for a quick visit and if she picks up where she left off, leave. No discussion. No excuses. No explanations. No passion, nothing. There is the door, just take it to freedom!
"Well, I had a major fight with my husband tonight. I am devastated."
Your penance: apologize to him and spend the next NINE days doting on him, NO calls, No visits to mom. HUBBY ONLY, NINE DAYS!
(before posting this, I did see your post saying you apologized already. NOW you dote on him. 9 days...)
Trust me, I get no glee nor satisfaction from staying longer than I have to. I feel the anxiety rise thinking of all the things I have to get done or don't get done when I stay longer than I had wanted. And, then I feel the guilt about not being home in time oh my husband. I feel guilty if I'm not well rested. They've been times when I've walked in the door about five minutes before he has and I'm so wound up because I had not had the time to have unwound. Or, I feel guilty towards certain friends whose phone calls I have not returned. It's an awful feeling. But, i thank you for the support that this is learned behavior from years of conditioning and something I have to change.
Her becoming "10x more mean" in no way means that what you were purposing to implement backfired! Were you expecting her to meekly comply with your new rules? The first screaming outburst from her was your cue to say firmly, "I don't have to stay and take this from you anymore. You have someone here to tend to your care so I'll be leaving now. Goodbye." Then turn and leave immediately, even if the sound of her screaming follows you out to your car and down the street. She has paid caregivers there to handle the aftermath, who by now should know how your mother manipulates you. And by now the neighbors should be used to hearing the tantrums coming from her house. Continue to stand your ground, stay away, and Let. It. Go. We're all rooting for you. You can do this!
Sespo: HVsdaughter wrote what I was just going to write: essentially when it's time to go, say goodbye, and walk out. Hang in there! You will feel better.
I understand that this can be really hard, especially if it's new behavior. (I also struggle with setting limits on my mom's demands.) You may need support from others in doing this. Get it. Hubby, a counselor, pastor, friend, anyone. Protecting your own life is essential. You are worth it ! There is no glory in being a martyr, which sounds like your moms plans for you. Resist !
Is she mentally capable of understanding that what she is doing is driving you away? By trying to control you, she is alienating you and you can if you wish just leave and not return. Her behavior is counter-productive.
I'm just surprised that when do tell her, in s nice and calm way, that I can't do certain things because of my injuries, she make faces or say things that show she doesn't care. As a mother, she should still care. I realize that she's ill with her dementia, but then there are times when she's alright. How can she lose her basic instinct as a mother to care for her adult child? I suppose it's her own needs that come first. But, I can say that all her basic needs are being met.
It will help you know how to react to your mom in healthier ways and also how to understand some of her behavior. I may be wrong but she appears to be narcissistic. She is controlling you and knows how to push your buttons. You are too available to her and you are in need of serious boundaries. So what if she gets mad...she’s in charge of her emotions, not you. Another good book is by Henry Cloud on Boundaries. The sooner you put some of the suggestions in these books into play the sooner you will feel in control. It may not be easy for you at first but will be worth it. Sounds a bit like your relationship is codependent. Am I right?
Elderly people get very selfish when they want to be, and your mother is playing on that. Also, who is charge here? You or your mother? Don't let your mother dictate to you when you have your health, your husband and your life to consider.
All the best, Arlene
What we feel is called false guilt caused by not meeting the (usually unrealistic) expectations of others like a narc parent. Real guilt is when you are doing something wrong. It is not wrong to look after oneself. In fact, it is wrong not to.
Sespo - you can do this!!!
Your mother is pushing the guilt buttons she installed in you in childhood. You have nothing to feel guilty about, as you are doing nothing wrong. She is well cared for and you support her. When mothers provoke guilt on the children who are helping them, it is about manipulation. You mother's excessive needs for attention are not healthy - for her or for you. Cut back on the supply of attention and she will find someone else to manipulate.
Take back control of your life. Don't tell her about your coming and goings. The less she knows the less she can manipulate. Decide how long you want to visit then leave when you want to -no justifications are necessary or, indeed, wise.
"I attempt to go home to rest or make dinner for my husband. She will say let him wait."
Let her say what she wants. Go and do what you want to do anyway. Sometimes narcs use anger to control others. Let her be angry or sarcastic or whatever. It is not the end of the world. Eventually she may learn it doesn't work if you don't allow yourself to be controlled by it.
You wouldn't let a friend treat you like this would you?
You need to look after you and your immediate family first. Your husband rates higher on your priority scale than your mother does. So does your health. Good luck and let us know how it goes. Standing up to a narc mother is daunting at first, but many of us here have learned to, for our own survival.
I have determined that one has to say NO! Remain loving, but firm and resolve to provide a 'balanced' relationship with your mother.
Guilt is your internal struggle that is unsustainable and it will destroy you if you do not resolve it.
A good resource is a book written by Dr. Paul Tournier, Harper and Rowe Publishers, 1962, titled 'Guilt and Grace'. Many Churches have the volume in their libraries if you cannot get a copy of your own.
Your mom isn’t well. Why some parents want their children and the their personal lives to suffer for their own pleasure/comfort is unknown to me but what I do know for sure is there will be regrets on your part that you traded your health, your sanity, your relationships for someone that was never satisfied even if that someone has the title of MOM.
Your mom will be angry if you choose to take some much needed self-care but she’s already angry. Nothing new. She’s angry and you’re miserable. You can’t change her and it sounds like you can’t even make her happy unless you completely neglect yourself and everyone else.
Choose you. No one else will. Create boundaries that meet her needs (which are different from her wants and expectations) and will leave you with a healthy life after she’s gone. It’s unfair of her to expect you to risk everything and let me be clear, even if you do she will require more. Some people will drain the life of others in the process of filling up an emptiness inside of themselves. Be wise. You can love your mom while at the same time treating yourself lovingly. Why let someone without a good perspective of what that should look like determine the course?
THAT is BS. Don't go back to her! What she SHOULD be doing is helping you learn how to set boundaries and how to stop enabling mom or feeling guilty about when you do refuse to go or do something. Also learning how to not respond to her goading is KEY! Use the old 'count to 10' method - it forces you to pause and will allow you to NOT respond. I had to do this to curtail my ex pushing my buttons long ago. It helps to avoid arguments. HE would still get angry, but I could calmly hang up the phone. You do NOT have to defend yourself, you have to understand this is who she is, she will continue to be this way and you do not have to take it or accept it internally. Remember the oldie but goodie "I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you!!!" Let her say whatever, don't take any of it to heart and if need be, end the visit or call.
You said: "I don't think I can be away for nine days because I am the one that the doctors call to manage her care."
Well, let them do their "thing" and if they truly need you there, they will let you know. Otherwise you're just setting yourself up for more chances of abuse. If you do have to go, leave when THEY leave!
You said: "...It's just that when I need to leave or I put in enough time it is my mother who makes me feel badly about going." and "...I was afraid that she would get angry with me because sometimes when I attempted to leave she would get very mad."
You cannot change her (esp since you say she has always been this way.) You can only change how YOU react to it and deal with it. Clearly you understand this is HER behavior and it is not the truth. So, do NOT let her get under your skin. Do not discuss leaving or what other things you need or want to do away from her. She doesn't need to know and if she doesn't know, she cannot comment on it. Just simple answers - time to go, and NO.
You said: "This is got to stop and now."
THAT is the answer and you have to work hard to implement it!!!!
You said: "...She rarely expresses approval . She shows disapproval and even distain at times. This just makes me feel compelled to do more and more for her to gain her approval before she dies."
You do NOT need her blessings or approval for anything. It isn't likely you will ever get either, so there is NO point in trying. You do what needs to be done and that's it. Take more care of yourself and your family.
As for arguments, they can only happen if there are two participants. REFUSE to comply. She starts on something, do NOT respond. She will likely get worse, but that is your cue: EXIT stage left. Let her rant on. Let her scream all she wants. If anyone calls the authorities, the aides are there and can explain.
You said: "... The arguments arise when she insists I do something that I can't or when she ridicules me when I can't do something or tells me I should go back to work when I can't."
Don't tell her you can't. Don't respond at all if possible. Simplest response will be NO I will NOT do this. If she ridicules you because you won't do something, tell her if she's so wonderful and capable, do it yourself then! No discussions about your work status, friends, appointments, husband or anything else that only relates to you. Mum's the word! She cannot comment on what she doesn't know about.
You said: "...Have to work on changing my reaction to her behavior...."
You've hit the nail on the head there! It is not easy to follow through with all the above, but it will get easier over time. Once you feel more positive (or rather less negative) during dealings with her, you will see! Little fibs sometimes help, or redirecting focus. No outright lies, but say I will see you later/soon, rather than saying tomorrow or in an hour or so leaves her with assurance you will be back, but non committal!
First off, as others have suggested, you need to curtail your visits and calls. She is being cared for and does not NEED to have you there every day or call every day. YOU have to limit your visits and learn to not answer the phone if she calls. If you are there or during a phone call starts screaming, leave/hang up. If you worry about others who might overhear this, talk to them and explain the situation. Have them witness it if you have to. It is NOT a reflection back on you or anything you do. This is who she is. As for those who insist one has to "honor" their parents, that does NOT mean being their whipping post or responding to their every demand. The suggestion for staying away 9 days - certainly if there is an issue that you need to be there for, go, but otherwise aides, doctors and nurses should be able to do what they have to without you being there!
Additional post TBD to cover some of your statements - can't fit it all in this new restricted character setting!
Since your Mom is getting 24/7 and is safe, you need to wean her off of you. Also, you need to speak to her in-home caregivers about your own well being and get them on board with this. You are no good to them either if you are going to be sick and stressed out. They should be running a little interference on your behalf, that is their job.
I know about the hurtful things, the resentment toward your other relationships, I went through all of this. My mom was jealous of her own granddaughter, which was very hurtful to me. It's terrible. But look, if there is a caregiver there in the house with her you can walk away with no guilt. As long as she is safe, you shouldn't beat yourself up over her unreasonable demands. And remember, if she truly is demented, she really can't help it, she will deteriorate and at some point she will be unable to make demands. When you are in the throes of this and they are saying terrible things it's hard not to get annoyed with them, but they truly have no filter when they get to this point.
God bless, you have been through a lot, first the trauma on 9/11 and now this. Take care of yourself.