When your elderly, demented mother, who has 24/7 care at home, places demands on you that you physically can't meet, how can you be patient?

Your life story is very similar to mine. Since my Mother's death in February 2018, I have had time to clearly reflect on the relationship my Mother & I had. Though, I realized years ago that my Mother "groomed" & manipulated me starting at a young age using FOG( especially guilt) to serve her purpose, so it was very difficult for me to deny her. I am the oldest daughter of 4 siblings & she did not implement her tactics on the other 3 & I never shared with them how she would manipulate me for fear they would not believe me or think that I was speaking ill of our Mother. Also, my Mother would deny it or "throw me under the bus" habit. Everyone else only saw her sweet side, so I kept it to myself to avoid any skepticism. 4 years before she died, I started to see a psychologist. She advised me to detach with love. Slowly I started to pull away( not abandon her), & try not allow the hurtful things she would say, upset me. It was a conscience process of working on how to reacted or rather, not react to her. After her death, I felt traumatized & unable to move forward. I have since been able to talk to my sister & she now understands the pressure I was under for so many years. I found out the reason why my brothers stayed away from her because they said she was a "master manipulator". It's easy for others who have never experienced this to understand & say "just do this. Problem solved", but when you are groomed at a young age & don't realize yourself what is occurring, plus the love you have for your Mother, it's very complex. The irony is that I feel she was a good Mother to me, but had issues( like we all do). The thing I learned from her is that I will not & do not repeat that behavior with my children. It ends with me.

I haven'e read the other 30 or so responses. Her "joy" in life is to make you miserable. That is NOT love. Please start to break away from her and let the caregivers do their job. As soon as you take back your own life and "reteach" her that you won't take it anymore......you will start to be able to be around her again. Until then, I have to be mean and say, "we are the only ones that allow others to hurt us". They are like children. YOU set the rules. YOU give her consequences when her actions hurt you.
This worked with her mother,
Whether in person, or on the phone......immediately when her mom said something mean, criticized her, or y'know..........she hung up (saying goodbye) or left the house.....once again.....saying good bye.

It will take about 3 months for things to be different between you two. Isn't it worth three months of "experimeting" to see if you can change years and years and years of patterns to make your life easier for you? YOU DESERVE BETTER! (and so does your husband, your own children, your church, etc.)

Sespo1997, I am glad to read that you are looking at boundaries and realizing that you DO NOT have to take abuse from this person called mom. I know that others have told you to pray and trust God, I agree, but not so you can just tolerate her abuse, scripture tells us that parents should NOT provoke their children to anger, it also tells us to separate ourselves from unbelievers. I think that God loves you and nothing in His word tells you to lay down and be devoured by this person. Honor thy father and mother is about respecting them, not servitude to their hateful abusive behavior. I love The Lord with everything I am but I don't feel like I need to be a better scratching post because of being a Christian and nobody should feel that way. My family has actually said things about me having boundaries and I should not do that or if I was a Christian I wouldn't do that. Really, please show me in scripture where I am told to stick around and get beat to a pulp mentally or physically. No one can, because it's not there.

I say all of this because I feel it just tightens your bonds when you are advised to pray and take it, when in fact you will never have any victory in this, it is not okay for her to treat you the way she does. You can love and respect her without being her whipping girl. It is okay to say, Mom, I am not okay with your treatment of me and if it doesn't improve I will not be around for you to hurt, think about it and we'll talk later. Walk away, go home and don't answer her calls. When she has had a couple of days to think about it, go back. If she gets ugly, tell her she obviously hasn't thought about her totally unacceptable behavior and go. Don't stick around, anything that needs to be done one of her aids can do it. She doesn't like how it's done, she can tell the aid how she wants it. Or she can live with her laundry not being done to her standards. This will be her lot in life if she doesn't learn how to stop being abusive to you.

I am sorry that she guilts you so much, you have been well trained. But I am sure having a nice, loving caring husband has shown you how dysfunctional this relationship really is and how much you really take from her.

It is time to put your foot down and of course it is hard but how would your husband feel if he had to bury you because all of her hateful venom kills you? Statistically you have a 40% chance of dying before her. Stress kills our bodies and it destroys our joy and happiness. You yourself said you can't even read your bible you are so distracted, would God send anything that keeps you away from Him? No, He desires your fellowship. He has given us all we need to deal with these situations, it is in His word, read it for yourself and see if you find anything that tells you to be a scratching post, doormat, whipping girl. You won't because that is not part of His will for our lives.

Please STOP letting her treat you so abusively, you can walk away when she starts, let her pleas go unheeded in the heat of the moment, she needs time to see how her life would look without you. If she doesn't stop then turn over her medical care to a sibling and go enjoy your husband while you are still able.

She treats you terribly because you take it, there is no reason that anyone should ever have to be treated cruelly and accept it. Walking away will stop your anger and that will stop her from having fresh ammo to show, tell or whatever she does that makes you look like the instigator and the bad guy in it all. What's the worst that could happen? In my opinion you are already living the worst, why not see if you can get positive change, if not, you are not obligated to continue being cruelly abused, don't let anyone tell you that you have to take that treatment, you don't.

May God give you strength to stop this vicious cycle and the heart to understand how to love and respect her from a safe distance.

Wow that’s more than needing patience that’s going on here. Sounds like you desperately need a caregiver support group to start infusing yourself with love and affirmation for all that you do for your mother. You are (in my humble opinion) going way above and beyond for her if you’re having that much difficulty in your personal life and you’re seeing her two-three times a day and calling her every two hours. I’m sorry but I think that’s nuts. You may need some professional counseling for a little while for yourself because you sound like you need some love for yourself going on.

The Mrs. I cared for had a bully side to her. She would act in ways, or say things, that really hurt. I learned to decipher what was a real need versus her bullying.
When I stood up to her bullying she behaved better. I didn’t have to get mean or nasty or abdicate my responsibilities, I learned some healthy boundaries and didn’t put up with it by politely correcting her and walking away until she chose to behave. I got my self-esteem back. So it sounds like you need to develop some healthy boundaries with her and I pray you do for yourself. God loves you, & you’re doing a good job! Give yourself a break and take care yourself a little bit here. Especially if she has somebody to care for her when you’re not around. Get some healthy input - Love yourself! Good luck.

What a trial to deal with; congrats on handling it thus far! It's tough to be the 100 percent focus of anyone 100 percent of the time. You are her All In All, it seems.

You asked for a book about patience and this is one I've found helpful: Coping With Difficult People by Robert M. Bramson. It's written without the medical aspect of dementia, yet it provides a plan for recognizing different types of manipulation, labeling of such, and coping strategies.

After Spouse turned from cranky to mean, I found comfort in thinking "he's sick and old and mean and he's not ever going to be better." It helps remove the sting of so much of his toxicity after internalizing the truth of this admittedly downbeat assessment. Best of luck to you.

You must advocate for yourself. No one else knows how you hurt! I know it is very difficult when it is your Mom! She knows how to manipulate to get you upset! You need to stop letting her anger you where she can see it and remember she is a different person that you have to treat a bit like a stranger to survive. I had to learn to drop the subject when I make a suggestion and she argues. You need to know your rights as a human being! I really empathize. You do not have an easy job. It is very hard to care for others with so much pain. I know well from experience and do not have this mastered by any means myself 😂

Sespo1997: I just caught this tread and I'm so happy you posted! Being late to this thread I have nothing more to add as others have so brilliantly stated what I would have attempted.

To your response to Grandma1954 upthread beginning: "Dear Grandma1954: With your help ..." with you describing starting to set your boundaries, I want to scream through cyber space: "BRAVA, Sespo1997"!

With such great advice and encouragement from your friends here on AC, I hope you're heading toward a better place for you and your husband. I also hope your mom can understand that as she looks elsewhere for her "entertainment" she can be happier too.

I wish you all health and good answers for your medical tests. {hug!} Please let us know how you're doing!

Sespo1997 I commend you for doing what you feel is right in looking to your Mother. One who never really seemed pleased with your efforts by the sounds of it.. one who takes joy in your pain (the smiles re: your anger).
- there are threads on this site regarding your mother's personality type & it sure reads like narcissism - tons of info throughout the net, even narcissisticmother.com
- searching youtube alone on that topic I hope would bring you some relief -

She's sucking your energies with her manipulations - literally, physically & psychically - its what those personality types do.
I learned online how to not give my energies... learned of my own triggers and their learned responses, how to act - ACT - like their anger/screaming etc. does not bother you one bit (yes its hard but it gets easier) - it dismantles them.. especially if all they have known is otherwise from you.
A part of their psyche needs that energy to thrive. When one learns their pain comes from their own childhood trauma and no, not everyone who has children is emotionally equipped to do so, I found some measurement of success in dealing with her taunts and tirades.
I hope this reads as I intended it as its written in a hurry before stepping out.
- being able to separate yourself emotionally will open up distance to keep you in a safe place, even in the face to face

Good on you for reaching out to this community - it was and still is soul-saving.. there are so many wise posts here, 24/7.

ps YES white lies help keep the distance and sanity... would you believe I invented a pt job, with lol... Vandolay Industries... they were in the import/export business (if anyone remembers that Seinfeld episode w/George?)

Take good care of yourself first. Easy to type, can be a challenge to live it.

What a sadistic b*tch! Here's what you do: the next time your Mom tries to make you angry, you look at her and say "Are you done? Cuz if you are then I'm leaving now. Have fun by yourself!" Then smile and walk away. She should know better than that. Remind her that you could've been killed on 9/11 but you weren't and for that she should be grateful that you're still here helping her. Take some time for yourself and ignore her anger until she grows up about being so selfish. Regardless if she's your mother or not, no one deserves to be treated like that.

I have a similar issue with my mother. I hate to say it, but you and I are both enablers. The difference is, I am taking steps to curb my mother's dependence on me. I see her once a week and talk to her maybe twice a week. She would love to have me running around for her every day, but I won't do it. In fact, last week there was a huge weekend snowstorm in our area. Didn't she get right on the phone and demand that I come and take her shopping right in the middle of it? I simply told her no, I was not endangering myself, her and others to take her to buy things she doesn't even need. Like you, I have a physical disability - my knee has bone on bone arthritis and needs joint replacement. Even though I'm her youngest, I'm over 50 and slowing down. I had to explain that to her too. When people get older, especially those with dementia, they get more self centered and don't realize others have responsibilities, family, work, health problems, etc. I guess what it boils down to is "what you allow is what will continue." You can continue letting your mom drive your life, or you can grab the reins back and go where you want to go. Doesn't mean you're leaving her behind, just means you invite her for the ride when YOU want to.

I have had to learn to say 'no'. I have had to learn to set boundaries. I have had to revert to techniques I used when my kids were toddlers. All the bad personality traits he had when he was young are amplified 10-fold now (I feel sorry for my kids......) As long as I know my dad is safe and fed, I have to let some of the rest of this go just to keep my own sanity. When he asks me multiple times to go over something I've already told him 3 times, I say 'no'. If he wants me to come over and I have plans, I tell him so. It's not about you, it's about her disease. I go through this with my dad on a daily basis and I keep having to tell myself the same thing (I talked to my counselor about it last night and she keeps pounding this into my head.)

The advice I get is always to take care of yourself because if you fall then your parent falls too.
Dementia is weird...can make such personality changes and usually, not for the better. It seems to me that it can make all negative traits much more pronounced.
My mother has rages which come and go. It makes it difficult to physically care for her when she is spitting pills clear across the room or hiding them. In the hospital, she trashed the room and even broke the cardiac monitor! And yes, she calls me liar and witch, when I am the one closely monitoring her care and trying to get the best outcome for her. It hurts until I stop and take a breath, realizing that she is not responsible for the stuff going on.
The advice you have gotten is good. People with dementia often have no idea they are saying awful things and cannot respond in a rational way. the best thing is validate her feelings, like saying " I know you do want to go home" and then redirect her attention to something else. This is pretty easy to do with dementia patients.
You need to stop visiting multiple times a day and claim parts of the day or even whole days, as mental health time. Maintaining a balance is your mission and delegating things too, is so important. Ask friends or relatives to visit on days you will not be there. I feel for you...being in the same position. Guilt is funny....it can make us do the right thing, but too much can make us sick.

You have received a ton of fabulous advice....My take is that she has dementia.
Demented persons generally have slight recollection of the past. Your mom's recollections may be more clearer in some ways than others...Nevertheless, the "white lie" can be used effectively.. Reduce the phone calls to one a day, or at most two. Tell her you have the flu as already suggested....Next time tell her you have a dentist appointment for a major procedure....Follow that with saying your car is running badly and you have to take it to a town 50 miles away tomorrow to have it repaired. Cut back on you visits sharply....Twice a week for now and then once a week. when you do visit and you are ready to leave, say, "I'll be back..I have to go and talk to the head nurse." In truth you will be back - days from now, and the white lie is you will not be talking to the nurse.

For your own good, learn to tell yourself that when she smiles at your difficutles that she is not "herself" anymore and the dementia is acting out.

I gather she has extensive if not full time care from a paid person. They can call you if there is any urgent need....Her acting up is not an urgent need.

She is no longer the person she was before the dementia took her over. She is always gonna be your mom, but her mind is not the one she used to have.

Let her gripe all she wants. Counter with "Thank you, mother, for telling me that" no matter what she says....You can vary the reponse but in my opinion always thank her for what she says, no matter how hurtful to you it may be.

Grace + Peace,
Bob

Sometimes it is just easier to use a “white lie” to get some peace and a break. Suggestions: “I have the flu (or shingles) and the doctor told me not to be around anyone until I am better”. “I have just started a part time job and will have to cut back the time that I can spend with you”. Trying to rationalize with someone who is irrational cannot bring you any peace - kinda like that old story about trying to teach a pig to sing - it frustrates both you and the pig. So just come up with a few white lies that will give you a break.

Let go of that guilt! You are driving yourself into the ground which is no good for you or your mother. Dementia reduces one’s cognitive understanding to that of a child, causing Mom to act like a child or, worse yet, an adolescent. She needs you to set clear boundaries for her or she will flounder as she seeks those boundaries. She needs you to be firm but upbeat. You can’t do that with your present schedule. Limit your calls and visits. I call my mom once a day and tell her when I’ll be visiting next. “Only six more days, Mom” when she complains, let her know that you are looking forward to seeing her in six days. Then five. Then four. And so on. The guilt is yours so let go of it and take charge. You can do this!

Sespo, you have received excellent ideas for you to set boundaries and have your own life back. It seems that your mother has groomed you for a long time to meet her needs, not thinking about yours. Setting boundaries and a new schedule with her are the best approach. If she does not treat you with respect, then you will need to remove yourself from the situation. Any caregiver that you train should be met with separately to explain the situation. Since your mother has care 24/7, you should limit your visits to a few days a week and calls on the days you're not there. Ask your siblings to call and/or visit to give you a break. Take your life back and don't feel guilty about it. Your mother can't make you feel guilty or sabotage if you don't give her the power to do it. Hold firm and regain your peace of mind and tend to your own needs. I've been down this road and it took a long time to undo the lifetime of manipulation from my mother, but it's well worth the effort. I do what I can for her, which is never enough in her mind, but it will have to do. When she passes, there will be no guilt or unresolved issues about her. Make peace with it now so you and your husband don't suffer from your mother's antics any longer. Thoughts and prayers for you!

She must be very wealthy to be able to afford 24/7 home care; hiring people is an exorbitantly expensive endeavor which nursing homes are cheaper. IF you mean you are the sole caregiver and there just a few times a day, she is NOT receiving 24/7 care because she is by herself at times which makes her highly vulnerable. A person with dementia should never live alone. Your only options is either put her in a nursing facility or assisted living (depending on the extent of the dementia) or have her live with you. If she is already on Medicaid nursing home placement is very easy and only requires a doctor's order.

Sespo;  I think you need to think about the fact that your mother may be (and may always have been) mentally ill.  Has she ALWAYS been unreasonable?  Always enjoyed seeing you upset?  Did she ever laud you for your own accomplishments (not just as an extension of herself)?

You can ABSOLUTELY stay away for 9 days.  The medical professionals know how to get in touch with you if there is a real emergency.

Please take care of your husband and your own well-being, just for a bit, okay?

(((((hugs)))))))

Sespo1997,

You are welcome. It sounds from what you said that of all the children, your mom picked you as the chosen one. My wife and I both know what it is like to be married with moms who resent it. My mother in law was so resentful that she set up 45% of her estate to go away when she died because each of her daughters had married. It was not a matter of who they married, but that they got married. She also did not want her sons in law to ever get any of her money, but she left some to our sons, her grandchildren. Strange!

I am sort of like the Navy captain in a battle who is the face of attack said " dam the torpedoes, full speed ahead as he went on to victory. That was in the early days of torpedoes when they are not always very effective.

Another thing I would add as you work on boundaries, is "take no prisoners" but pursue your goal fully. I wish and pray for you the very best in your journey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Send your guilt packing. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
If you just take an excerpt from the first part of your comments...
I attempt to go home and make dinner for my husband and she says make him wait....She tells me not to call my friends....She tells you not to care for yourself....when you make plans she tries to sabotage the day...
If you, as a lawyer were talking to a woman that was saying these things about her spouse would you suspect abuse? Either physical or emotional?
As difficult as it is it is time you told her that you will not tolerate this behavior and it is going to stop now.
Cut your visit to once a day for the first week then every other day then once a week. Work out a phone schedule one call a day should be plenty. Do not answer your phone if it is her. If she manages to use one of the caregivers phones tell her you are not accepting her calls right now and hang up.
When I was dealing with my Husband at difficult times I recited the Serenity Prayer.
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change, the Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference.
As simple as it is it does help!

Because I can empathize with you, I think I can understand the reason why you feel guilty and bad.
It is not because of what you don’t do because to your point, you feel you do more than enough. It is because you’re conditioned to think that you never do enough and that your should devote yourself completely and tend to every need of your mom. Even if this requirement has never been said out loud, if you search deep inside I think you’ll find it is true.

Many people conditioned to think and feel this way, come to the realization that something is out of balance as soon as they become adults and more so when they have their own family; yet for others like you and me, it takes much longer, but it should happen when we switch roles with our parent(s) and become the ones responsible for their wellbeing. At some point in the journey we realize we are in a new position, we mature as daughters or sons. We also realize that at this point in their life the way our parent(s) behave is not proper of a healthy person in their mind or body, so we need to place ourselves in sort of a higher level, kind of like how a parent feels towards their children. Which is the reason why, for example, when a child throws a tantrum because they aren’t getting something they want, the parents don’t feel guilty for not giving the child all he or she is asking for. The parent is not failing as a parent, it is the child’s unreasonable demands that cannot, and should not be met.

Well, now you are the adult, almost like the parent, and you know the difference between a need and a want, or worse, an ‘I want it right now!’, therefore you shouldn’t get upset or feel guilty for not giving your mom all she asks for, when she asks for it. You know how the order of things should be, you know when you’ve done all you could and should, therefore a ‘want’ doesn’t need to be met, unless it is a ‘need’, and guilt has no role to play.

However always remember that this change in your way to handle the situation does not mean you love her any less. A mother always deserves our respect, love and consideration, ALWAYS, but in a case like yours you need to change the dynamic so you can indeed keep respecting her, treating her with consideration and with love; because if you continue doing what you’re doing you’ll end up resenting her so much that when she is not with you anymore then your guilt will multiply itself, not because of what you didn’t do for her, but because of how much anger and resentment you harbored in your heart. So it is critical that you learn to manage the situation soon.

Maybe you’ve been so overwhelmed with all you have in your plate that you haven’t realized that your role in your relationship with your mother has changed and that she has also changed as a result of aging and illness.
It is time for your own wellbeing and to better help your mom, to realize that you are in that parent-like level, which doesn’t mean treating her like a child because she is not a child, just that you have the right and duty to discern what is right and needed, without guilt.

In a nutshell, I think guilt can have only two possible origins: A well founded one and one fueled by psychological and emotional conflicts.
When the reason is the first, corrective actions are necessary and should be enough to get rid of the guilt and to do what is right; but when the origin is psychological and emotional it is much more difficult to deal with and it requires a lot of self awareness, courage, maturity and love, love towards yourself and also towards others. I think it is imperative that you get started with the journey of working on your guilt, understanding why it is there, realizing that objectively, the reason why you feel guilty is not really valid, and of course if you find that there is in fact something you need to correct, then do so. I started that process a while ago, it is not easy, but it is absolutely possible.

A hug to you and may God bless you!

There IS a book, but not about patience. It's a book called "Boundaries", by Cloud and Townsend.

Read the book. And as CM says, look into seeing a therapist or counselor who can help you maintain a bit of healthy detatchment from your mom, so that your health and marriage don't suffer.

A book of magic, a magic book, that will reveal to you the simple answer to maintaining sweetness of temper and lightness of heart in the face of overwhelming emotional abuse...

No. I think not.

But if you are interested in trying a radical, transformative solution; and seeing as your mother has 24/7 care at home and therefore is completely safe; may I recommend that you prescribe for yourself a complete break of nine days, starting from Friday evening? From Friday, when you go home after seeing your mother, you do not visit or call her until the following Sunday evening. You take a planned, deliberate and total break.

Tell her care team that you are doing this. If you can detach and be cool enough, you can tell her, too, calmly and as a matter of fact, making it a statement and not a request, but you don't have to risk doing this if you fear it will change your plan. You need to get out of the line of fire; because until you do that you have no hope of being able to hear yourself think.

Your situation is about power. Your mother demands that you give it to her, and you comply; perhaps out of habit, long-established and deeply ingrained, and certainly, I agree with other posters, out of Fear Obligation and Guilt - in your case I would guess especially Fear. You have been deeply shocked and traumatised, and you continue to undergo daily attack.

But your mother is the one who is old, frail and mentally frail; and you are the one who is in fact a free agent: where you go and what you do from day to day is for you to decide.

Not all of your mother's intentions are necessarily bad or even selfish. Some of it, I don't doubt, is about her own fear of losing you, maybe even of your coming to harm away from her, and her own fears around life in general. The reason you need to detach completely, for a fixed period, is that her perspective is crazy and you need to recover your own.

You mention physical therapy; do you have or have you considered psychological and emotional therapy as well?

Why do you go and call so often? You have trained her that you will be at her beck and call. That needs to stop. Why are you worried that she will get mad? What can she do to you? You are an adult. You have all the power. She needs you, not the other way around. She doesn't call the shots, you do.

Next time she tries to boss you around, push back and tell her no. If she gets ugly, pick up and leave. Retrain her to treat you better. And if she can't then you spend less time with her. It really is that simple.

Please don't allow yourself to be taken advantage of like this.

Sepso - OMG. Why oh why do you ALLOW a demented person to ABUSE you? It does NOT matter who that demented person is.

If you feel guilt, does that mean you think crazy mothers are allowed to abuse their children? Would you abuse your children if you were demented like your mother and your children should just take the abuse?

Please do think about these questions. You really need an adjustment in your thinking. Once you change your thinking, your action will change accordingly.

I am not sure you need patience as much as you need boundaries with practical, concrete consequences for when they are broken.

It sounds to me like she is manipulating you with Fear, Obligation and Guilt also known as emotional FOG.

You could google "emotional FOG or emotional blackmail" or you could get Susan Forward's book, Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You 

Has your mother always been manipulative like this? If so, then she has groomed you since childhood to just take this.

Sespo- I am so sorry for your situation, Its rough. I can truthfully say the only book I have found to help me with my patience is the Bible. Much prayer and much reading. Patience is one of the hardest things to maintain control of. I do it with the help of God. I fail also in this area when I fail to ask Him for help. But, this is what works for me, and has helped me now these going on five years.
I will pray for you, hang in their.

Just visit, don't call a lot. And don't say your plans. Just help and go. Take care of yourself and your husband.

Why do you visit so often and then call. You r letting this woman run ur life. Have a feeling she has been doing this all ur life. She has 24/7care so she isn't lonely. Yes, set boundries. You don't have to tell her ur taking DH to Church or anywhere. Have a feeling siblings are smart ones. Your husband is ur priority as is your health. When she starts, say goodbye.