I need support STAT! I'm so glad I found this website!!!!! I've asked (told) my older sister, who doesn't particularly like my mother, to come and get her before I have a nervous breakdown. My mother has dementia, wanders, and has become increasingly abusive and violent with me. My sister told me, after speaking with her on the phone everyday for the past 2 1/2 years, that she hasn't come to see my mom (we live together), because I humiliated her in front of people (said something about her hair in a baby picture), and that she had promised herself she would never come here again. Really? What was her excuse before I humiliated her? She hasn't seen my mother in about 8 months and before that it was about another 8 months or so. She is now telling me that she will not be put in a home and that she is "her mother" and I never had her come to doctor's appointments, spent all of her money, didn't include her in anything having to do with "her mother". My sister's son lives rent free in one of my mother's homes. She wants to inherit the home for her son to continue to live there. Her care is so obviously because of greed and money. She has no idea what sacrifices I have made for the past 5 years. I love my mom and didn't know that she would ever need assisted living/memory care facility. I wanted her to go quietly in her sleep in her own home peacefully. It didn't work out that way. I need a break. The moment I mentioned a place better for our mother's care, my sister freaked out and said very hurtful things! How do I be strong, stand up for myself and realize that she has no idea what I've been through and how ridiculous everything sounds that comes out of her mouth about how she "wants to care for our mother". Where has she been!!!!!
Do you have the Powers of Attorney for both health and property for your mom? If so, then do what you need to do for your mom's safety and your mental and physical health. Your sister opinion isn't really worth worrying about. Does your mom have a will and I hope you're executor? If that hasn't been set up, then it may be more difficult. Others will chime in here shortly with good advice, but you need to take care of yourself. Also go to Youtube and google Teepa Snow. She has great videos on living with and managing someone with Alzheimers. You've found a place with lots of folks who understand what you're going through and will offer great advice and support.
1. If your sister doesn't like your mother, then there is no energy or motivation for her to take care of mom. And even if you manage to place Mom under her care, your sister may not even give the kind of care that is up to your standards because she does not care.
2. The more you resent your sister, attempt to extract some kind of appreciation from her that you are mom's primary caregiver, fight with your sister, that gives her more ammunition to resist, resent, and fight back with you. So it will be useless and an endless cycle.
3. How do you be strong? You stay strong by not giving away your power to your sister. If you allow her to ruin your day because she is not supportive of you and justifies her actions why she is not doing her part, then your energy will only be drained. Save your personal energy to care for mom and use your personal energy to find caregiver and elderly resources. Sometimes when you can't rely on your own family to help they have resources that will.
4. You can not expect people to give what they don't have. Read the sentence again. Do not expect people to give what they don't have. So if they do not have compassion and support in their hearts, then they can not give it away to others.
Yes, people can be cold, yes, they should help their own family when their family is in crisis. An ideal family should work together and help each other. But in this world we live in, it is not always the case. Helping others is always a choice but it is not required.
5. I highly suggest and recommend that you take your mother to attend adult daycare so you as a caregiver can get respite for yourself and so mom can be watched. If mom has medicaid call her medicaid and ask if they cover adult daycare and if so ask for a list of daycare facilities and check them out. I am a caregiver of my grandpa who has dementia and I take him to adult daycare several times a week. His medicaid pays for up to 5 weekdays of adult daycare and it also covers his breakfast, lunch, and snacks. He doesn't pay anything. While he is in daycare, I can take naps, watch tv, take more naps, take a long needed bath, run my errands, pamper myself, take care of my family. Taking care of your wellbeing will help you become a better caregiver.
Be standing by the door with your jacket on and keys in your hands when Sister drives up. Hand her a note with whatever she needs to know about where things are, etc. Wish them well. Kiss Mom. Get the heck out of there!
You definitely need to toughen up your emotions - I know it is not easy - I used to be a real pushover. I still allow certain people to take advantage of my good nature (for various reasons), but only up to a point, and only when I choose to allow it, not from being pressured. I know when to draw the line, and I won't allow anyone to disrespect me.
You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty about anything - perhaps regret that your sister is a manipulator, but that is not your fault. She will probably always try to intimidate you and turn circumstances around to make you look weak - it's her only defense mechanism to deal with her own insecurities. The strongest thing you can do is walk away and not let her suck you into her drama. I would just say "Good luck with Mom this weekend" - don't even let her know your plans - and perhaps also say "you can bring her back anytime after 5 pm on Sunday" and then JUST LEAVE. You haven't broken anything, so there is nothing for you to fix or feel guilty about.
If and when your sister is ready to talk rationally with you, you may be able to start mending fences. If she wants to be involved in doctor appointments and such, perhaps you can make a list of things she can do to take some of the burden off of yourself, or review the list together and decide what tasks each of you feels comfortable with. I hope that in time she can become your ally instead of your adversary, but if not, remember it is not your fault.
Not everyone is meant to be a caregiver. Thorough no fault of theirs, it just isn't in their make up...even when they had the most wonderful parents in the world. Your sister strikes out at you because she feels guilty and frustrated that you have done so much. She knows what she has/hasn't done!
You are the one who can sleep at night knowing you have done all you can. Sister will forever know she was not there for you or your Mother; and who knows it may have been the best for your Mom that sister was not so involved.
It is very difficult being the adult and doing the right thing. Sounds like you are at that crossroad now. Perhaps getting a mediator to sit down with you both while you have a totally honest discussion about the future. Pointing fingers and blaming not allowed....here is what needs to be done for Mom is focus of meeting!
Let go of the past, forgive your sister (really a gift to yourself) and move on with your life! Wishing you all the best!
Move forward with plans for Mom, move her into an Alzheimer's facility and sign the house over to them, let them sell it to cover her care.
So, thank you all! Hopefully I will be in a position to assist someone or many others at some point. I hope they know I'm here going through some of the same things too and we are not alone!!