I let it all out the past days. I did it in a calm way, but eventually things got heated.
I’m an only child. I have friends whose siblings dumped it all on them: my friends are angry towards their siblings, but eventually the more unfair the situation got, the more time passed, the more they also felt exploited by the elderly parent/s, not just by the siblings. They expressed themselves directly also to the elderly parent/s.
Every case is different: the more appreciative the LO is, the less angry you might be. There are very valid reasons why some adult children feel exploited - by their own parent.
I spoke up against my parent. Have you too? Did the conversation end badly? Did your parent try to make you feel bad for speaking up? Mine did.
She wanted to know what "this" was.
"Rushing here from work because you call and tell me that you have an emergency. I come, driving too fast because I'm worried to death about what's wrong and I get and find that you're anxious about something--ants, a storm that's coming (maybe) next week, light bulbs. I'm going to lose my job, Mom. You can't stay here in the house anymore alone. We tried having Aides and you didn't like that. So you need to move somewhere where there is ALWAYS someone nearby you can call."
She got upset at me.
I said "Mom, brother is going to have a heart attack trying to get here we can't do this anymore."
I left. She moved, first into an AL that wasn't a good fit and then to an IL that was great.
I want my Mom to be able to stay home; I just want/need the whole system (caregivers) to be more self-sufficient, needing me less, or hardly at all.
Mom used her money (first to hire aides, which didn't work) and then to live in a supportive facility and eventually nursing home.
There was no way any of us could care for her ar home.
I applaud all of you that had that honest conversation with your LO.
YES.
Quite clearly, another way to approach this is to look at your own want/needs, and accept that you have no magic wand. You can’t change ‘the whole system’. You also can’t change your parents, to make them appreciative, understanding, and reasonable. You have no ‘carrot’ to make them abandon the option that they like but that doesn’t work for you. If you accept both those things, you will reduce your own stress level.
What is the best option, out of those that are genuinely available? You will have some regrets, and your parents may be angry. Just accept that. There's a good chance that it will get better, not worse, when ‘the best option’ is done and dusted.
I meant, the way Barb phrased things to her mother. In other words:
"I can't do this anymore.”
I’ll probably use the same phrase.
Our goal is the same:
change the status quo.
IL worked out for Barb’s mother.
In my case, I want my Mom to be able to stay home. I found live-in caregivers: this means very soon, we’re switching from only daytime shifts, to caregivers living in the house night and day (with breaks; several caregivers rotating).
This new system, if it works smoothly, will give me my life back. FREEDOM.
However, my conversation with my Mom wasn’t just about that (future solution). It was also about the past (negative consequences on my life in the past years, helping).
It's pointless. She doesn't listen and what she does hear does not resonate with her. This is not new behavior, but it's sure starting to wear on my Hubby.
By this, there needs to be an understanding between you, mom, and the caregivers as to who has hiring and firing power. What the rules are.
I appreciate all your answers! Useful! Thank you!
The want to step back, from living Mom's life at all times to helping Mom but living your own life.. well it's a very reasonable want/need!
Q. Can Mom run her fleet of staff?
Q. Can 'the system' run itself?
If no & no, then there will be *unmet needs*. These will equate to constant pressure heading your way. (Unless someone else can fill that gap).
What about a Geriatric Care Manager? Is that an available service where you live?
If not, then your expectations may be too high, be creeping into unrealistic?
You want to *keep Mom at home*. Ask yourself WHY? REALLY why?
- To avoid change?
- To increase her safety?
- Because you promised?
Many people have had to add on to that sentence with 'as long as possible'.
Then evaluate what 'as long as possible' looks like.
That is where I feel my LO is. A 'robust framework of care' was promised to enable living alone to continue.. I call it a 'house of cards'. Without constant, ongoing support, adjustment & problem solving it will topple.
Sure the ADLs can be mostly met but the IADLS are not: eg finances/bills, transport, appointments, housekeeping, shopping, ordering meals.
VSO, is this where you are to?
In the mid-lands between possible & no longer possible?
“Q. Can Mom run her fleet of staff?”
Not completely.
”Q. Can 'the system' run itself?”
That’s the point. Trying to make it self-sufficient. This new system (from daytime to live-in carers) is happening soon. If they’re good/honest, it’ll work out. If they’re thieves/incompetent, it won’t work out. We’ve had many thieves. We removed valuables, but people still steal here and there. For example, supermarket delivery, pretending to put it in the fridge/freezer, but taking some of it in their bag, back home, day by day. It’s my Mom’s groceries, paid with her money.
“What about a Geriatric Care Manager? Is that an available service where you live?”
Not available. But I’ll try to hire someone who can do what I do, so less problems land on me.
“You want to *keep Mom at home*. Ask yourself WHY? REALLY why?”
Not home forever. As long as possible. Because she can afford it and likes to be home. Anyway, if she were in a facility, there would also be problems to solve.
“Without constant, ongoing support, adjustment & problem solving it will topple.”
Right.
I’m searching for someone we can hire, instead of me dealing with all this.
...and my Mom was in denial of how argumentative she could get. With dementia, she was nice to you and remembered you and 1 hour later, she was calling you a thief and a liar and 30 minutes later, didn't remember any of it. Thankfully, we are past that now. Now, she frequently can't remember the question that she asked.
I did use the "I cannot take care of you anymore" as the reason why we moved her into MC. We had caregivers for 9 hours each night 7 days a week, and she went to senior day care for 10 hours a day 5 days a week.
I did not give my Mom a choice. She had to move into MC. In addition, she really didn't get a choice of where she went since she said no to every place that she visited and spaces were getting tight.
Before she was admitted, she argued with me that she didn't get a choice. I told her that she did have a choice and she said "NO" to all the others. After telling her the same story about 5-10 times, she didn't argue choice anymore.
I never had to tell my Mom how negatively it affected my life as I'm not sure it negatively affected my life. I'm not sure she cares. She considers it duty. She helped take care of her sisters and aunts when they were ill. Their kids took care of them most of the time and she and other sisters took turns helping during the day.
As for me, I don't resent taking care of her. I still get angry occasionally, but after a night, I'm ready to go at it again. I still feel I have control of what I do and when I do it. In some ways, I think of it as a huge game of chess.
“We have 21+ hours a daily of in home caregiving but it still requires constant monitoring to maintain it all, caregiver schedules, finances, groceries, appointments.”
Precisely! Me too!
”I am in process of extracting myself”
Same here! I’m trying. Not easy, for practical reasons.
“and I have a plan and making concrete steps every week.”
I want to be like you.
“In general, conversations with my parents about the impact this has had on me are not really productive or reassuring to me anymore.”
I see. Poor you.
It has helped me. I got some empathy in return from my parent.
“It feels like just lip service.”
I see!
:(
That’s not good at all.
“After I toileted him for a BM, my Father told me this morning, you slept in, you are lazy. I just laughed.”
Crazy.
Unfair to you.
And very nice of you to have stepped in, when the caregiver didn’t show up.
“Only taking action to step back has made it better.”
I see!
I’m trying to. But first the reigns must be handed over to someone, and not just anyone.
I hope you are all right. Instead of: “one step at a time”….I’ll say to us: “one step back at a time”.
;)
Did I ever get angry at my husband? Of course! I am only human. It’s natural to get angry and frustrated. You are NOT alone to feel this way. You might feel better if you had a therapist to talk to.
It is important to note that my FIL is a true narcissist (as in the personality disorder not just a few character traits, and he was abusive to my husband and his sister as children - and the emotional and verbal abuse continues to this day)
BUT I have made comments to him over time asking him what his plan was had they not moved in - that their bad situation and need sort of ended up benefitting him because he never really had a plan. He has always maintained that he intended to stay in his home until the day he dies (his words) and I asked him several times how he intended to make that happen. His responses were always incredibly vague - "I would have figured it out" or "I would have hired someone".
We have actually gone into a bit of detail with him and explained exactly how much hiring someone would cost him and he has admitted he would never have been able to afford that.
We have also told him that many of the physical health issues that SIL, BIL and DH especially have now are in direct correlation to caregiving for him. We have also stated very clearly that his demands and demeaning attitude towards all of us make caregiving for him incredibly difficult and that quite frankly we aren't invested in continuing if he doesn't maintain a certain level of involvement in his own care (this is honestly fairly minimal - he is mostly immobile and we have basically told him that if he is unable to get out of the bed due and take himself to the bathroom that it will be beyond our ability to take care of him in his home any longer - as he weighs over 300 pounds - that is the line in the sand.
As for how these conversations - which happen pretty regularly - end? LOL...I wish I could say they make a difference. They don't. They fall on deaf ears. As long as SIL and BIL live there, he isn't going anywhere. As long as he is getting his needs met, he does not care. He gets mad when we talk about it. But he moves on pretty quickly and its as if the conversation never even happened. Talking to him makes no difference.
I have done my best to step back as much as my own guilt with respect to my DH and my BIL/SIL will allow me to do. HE appreciates nothing we do. It is expected. It is owed. He's not my father. He has never done anything for me except contribute to the creation of the man I married and I give his mother much more credit for that lol.
I don't think they have the capacity understand exactly how much time and energy actually goes into providing their care - even when they still actually HAVE competence and capacity. Their world dwindles down to ensuring that their needs are met and they don't recognize that anyone else has needs that are going unattended.
Folks you have to remember an emergency is exactly what it is an emergency.
For example, most of us receive "the phone call". Oftentimes, from that moment
on your routine is disrupted indefinitely.
If it's dementia, keep in mind, the brain is wearing out and your loved one lacks empathy and sometimes expression. They may even appear on some days emotionless but they can sense love.
To try to explain everything to them on your "to do list" is really NOT going to make an impact with them (or my siblings).
For example, if I ever listed everything else people have discussed here on the forum you will be in agreement with me. When my sister phones and she asks me "did you do anything today?" I simply respond "oh nothing". I am trying to make everyone laugh on the forum.
When I cook from scratch on a daily basis all nutritious food that mother relishes and basically we can't afford to eat out it's too expensive and too much salt in the food. I can make better food here. When sis asks, is mother eating? I simply respond a few saltines even though mother had turkey, potatoes, squash, hot bread, cranberry sauce, etc. You get it.
Save your breathe and focus on outside resources, a one-morning per week respite program, have everything delivered, whatever you can do to streamline your schedule.
Deep down loved ones notice who is around and who isn't. It's seems like in every family, there is always one.
You deserve it.
You say that ‘Some things must be done by family, and not potentially dishonest strangers’. It might be worth thinking about:
1) If your mother is in care, you have no more worries about carers who don’t turn up. Or about the turnover of ‘potentially dishonest strangers’.
2) With less stress, you can focus on being a daughter, visiting as often as you wish.
3) This site has many posters complaining about genuinely dishonest family members.
Perhaps you could try a month of respite care, to de-stress yourself and see how mother goes with ‘strangers’.
However - respite care will not necessarily make things better:
-around here, they aren’t good. I checked them out. A lot of neglect. People left in soiled adult diapers for hours, etc.
-this means it’s a kind of fairytale to believe the problems will disappear in respite care. On the contrary, there’ll be other problems to solve, unless I completely give up on her.
“This site has many posters complaining about genuinely dishonest family members.”
Luckily we don’t have this problem, by the way.
1. None if you could have known how your own aging process and mental health would factor into the situation.
2. There have been many improvements to, and expansion of senior living options in the last several decades. They (nor you) need to be afraid.
3. It takes several people to care for a senior in a balanced way: dietician, nurse, activities director, caregiver, cook, accountant, supply management, driver... to name a few. Trying to do 8 jobs and believe you can balance your own life and health would be an unreasonable expectation... nevermind for a long period of time.
An ounce of preparation is key to preserving the relationship and minimizing the emotional toll on all parties. To accomplish this, tour local facilities. When the time comes (usually a crisis event), this will provide what they desperately need... to have some sense of control over where they will live out the remainder of their life (a basic human need). Also, let them know, you are looking local so you can visit regularly - without carrying the care responsibilities alone.
Sending love and light to all of you who are paddling down these category 4 river rapids, in this particular boat. 🙏
I talked to her calmly. I explained to her how the situation is destroying my life.
It’s not true that my Mom is totally innocent, that it’s not her fault, that she didn’t choose to be in this position.
She piles task upon task upon me. I’m getting destroyed while I solve her problems. Etc. Long story.
It’s totally OK for a daughter-slave to tell her Mom she doesn’t want to be a slave. I don’t mind helping here and there. I refuse to be a slave.
Perhaps you could consider outlining what specifically is most problematic to you. My mother is in SN. She is bedridden. Although I don't have the daily physical dealings with her care I still have many concerns that tax me emotionally. It can get frustrating spending an hour trying to get her to now understand how to dial my number. There are numerous other issues that weigh on me. I don't tell her how stressed I am about her living a life with little quality left to it. At most I might say I am trying my best if she makes a number of demands at a given time.
I sense you are trying hard. I just don't get what are the most problematic issues for you. I think the majority of those dealing with aging loved ones find the whole situation difficult. We just have to attempt to arrive at a place where the burden is lessened if at all possible.
We all know stress kills & I am working to not let her negativity ruin my days or "take me out." I have grown Kids, S.O, and a career (that took a beating with the Pandemic). Pisses her off that I preach positivity & gratitude to her..
I do not nor will I ever live with her. She knows this. She will continue to live alone until it is time to bring someone in ..or...whatever happens next, we will take next steps.
Decades of Alcoholism & Mania...the NPD...the Borderline...early Onset last 6 mos... My Dad passed in January.
Same here.
“My Dad passed in January.”
My sincere condolences.
You haven’t replied. That might just be because you haven’t seen my message to you.
In any case, your message below shows, that you as a man, didn’t think about the fact that a Mom might treat a son and daughter very differently. There are countless of Moms who’re very grateful for their sons’ help (how ever little or much they do) (so very grateful!), but absolutely take their daughters for granted (that’s bad enough), or treat them very badly.
A daughter can try to step away from the helping-role, but it’s not that easy. I’m an only child. Some decisions and problems will necessarily fall on me, unless I abandon my Mom.