Who I should be seeing: psychologist vs therapist vs mental health counselor?
I had a pretty bad breakdown today. It just seems like this caregiving thing is kicking my butt. I totally understand that they get worse but when I'm having a bad day I tend to forget that. Anyway, my husband and I finally agreed that it's probably best for me to see someone about this. Bless my poor husband's heart. He works almost all day, comes home and has to hear me complain about his parents and take care of them because I'm going crazy. I need counseling. My emotions get to me. I get worked up over small things. I need someone to talk to besides my husband. It's been 3 years since taking care of his parents and I can only complain to him about them for so long...trying to figure out who I should be seeing. A therapist? Psychologist? Counseling? HELP!
In my experience, it's less the title that the person has than the quality of the relationship and the "goodness of fit" that allows you to work of these sorts of issues sucessfully.
Arrange respite, and start thinking about your exit strategy when this becomes too much for you to do.
Great idea to see a therapist. I have no idea which is best. Do you have insurance coverage? I think I would check to see how that works and who is in-network, conveniently located, comes recommended, etc. I like professionals who have experience, simply because they have seen things and lived more and generally more comfortable with themselves, but, that's me.
A couple of months ago my primary doctor recommended a Talk Therapist, and boy did I luck out. It was worth the wait to see her. She is around my age, and had issues with her late parents as they aged. Talk about a perfect match. We can pretty much talk about anything. She had helped build up my self-confidence which disappeared as I was helping my late parents. Plus I had other issues which were causing just as much stress as my parents. IT will take awhile to get back on the right track, but at least I am on the right train :)
If your in-laws have funds, hire a paid caregiver to come in to help them. You have to go through a few caregivers from an Agency to find a good fit. And don't shadow the caregivers as they do their work, this is your free time, get out of the house if you have the energy. Find a part-time job or do volunteer work to give you the great feeling of really being needed.
Then, go again.
It may be that you are ok mentally, but just need a little help.
However, the definition of insanity is:
"Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"
Your stress reaction is a red flag that something needs to change.
My sig other has a bucket list of places he wants to see and things he wants to do. I have zero interest because I am trying to pick up the pieces of caregiving for years, even though it wasn't hands-on under the same roof, it still was emotionally exhausting to me.
Just curious, does your husband take over the caregiving on the weekend, doing everything? Or just helps doing just this or that? He may not realize how overwhelming it can be.
My mom is in a NH. She is in poor health but gets great enjoyment out of people watching, some of the activities, watching the news, reading the NY Times large pront edition and hearing about what her kids and grandkids are doing. It sounds like your inlaws are isolated, stuck at home with no social stimulation at all. I have to ask, do you think you're doing them a favor?
My grandma lived with us when I was a teenager. She was terribly, terrible lonely and would occasionally say tjat to my mom, who would get incensed. Those 10 years of watching grandma's lack of social life and mom's resentfulness ( not to mention the fact that my mom, with two other kids and granma, had little time or energy to pay attention to an adolescent daughter) convinced me that this idea of taking an elder into one's home at all costs was going to be a bridge too far for me.
There were times that I thought my parents, who were in their 90's, would out live me !!!
It is time to sit down and have a talk with your husband. There is no shame in admitting that you can't do this. Not everyone can be a caregiver, and you are extraordinarily young to be doing this. There is nothing wrong with simply saying, "I can't do this" and seeking help for two very, very ill people who more than likely need more care than you can possibly provide.
My husband doesn't want to put them in a home. The only solution he has given me is to either A) quit his job and I go out and work while he stays home with his parents [I doubt I would be able to find a job that gives us the financial security we are accustomed to by now..] or B) Ask his family for help [but they all live in Utah. I can't ask other people to put their lives on hold for something that is essentially our responsibility].
So I feel trapped. My husband does A LOT. Not just things here and there, which he shouldn't anyway because they are his parents but it is just me and him.
Did you know when you married him that you would be takinghim and them as a package?
Thinking maybe you wrote the truth the first time:
" I started taking care of them shortly after we were married so this is abnormal part of our marriage".
You can both work outside the home and earn enough to pay someone to take them to dialysis, and caregive at home.
I'm glad you are going to seek counseling. I agree with Barb that getting a good "fit" is most important, and if it doesn't help on the first match, try another counselor.
You say you wonder sometimes if you did the right thing getting married. I think that is a very appropriate question. At least, "Should I have gotten married and gotten myself into this position of caring for two very sick people in my own home?"
And I truly wonder if the kind of counselor you should see is a marriage counselor. Your husband has said that his relationship with his father is more important to him than your mental health or his relationship with you. Are you really OK with that?
His parents would die of a broken heart in a nursing home? Well, first of all they would not. After my mother's health failed to the point we could care for her in a private home we placed her in a nursing home. To our amazement, she thrived! She was content there, in spite of her dementia and mobility problems. Some people adjust more readily than others, but no one dies of a broken heart just because they need the level of care a professional care setting provides.
Your MIL's life revolved around her son before he got married? And she is a difficult person? Oh-oh. I think we are back to your question about whether this marriage should have taken place.
But it did take place. You are putting down roots. You are hoping to have children. Your husband is not a bad or lazy person. He tries to do his share. Presumably you love each other. So I sincerely hope this marriage survives and thrives and grows. I suspect some other arrangement must be made for the care of his parents.
What!? He's putting this all off on you!?
He needs to get real. The two of you need marriage counseling where you can address these issues and in particular healthy boundaries.
A marriage is a partnership in which both parties care about the welfare and well being of the other. What part of the fact that you are burning out from this job doesn't he get?