Who I should be seeing: psychologist vs therapist vs mental health counselor?
I had a pretty bad breakdown today. It just seems like this caregiving thing is kicking my butt. I totally understand that they get worse but when I'm having a bad day I tend to forget that. Anyway, my husband and I finally agreed that it's probably best for me to see someone about this. Bless my poor husband's heart. He works almost all day, comes home and has to hear me complain about his parents and take care of them because I'm going crazy. I need counseling. My emotions get to me. I get worked up over small things. I need someone to talk to besides my husband. It's been 3 years since taking care of his parents and I can only complain to him about them for so long...trying to figure out who I should be seeing. A therapist? Psychologist? Counseling? HELP!
Talking to mature women at church won't really help because they'll tell me the same thing ALL older, Samoan women tell me: "These are your blessings. I know it's hard but you'll receive blah blah blah because you fulfilled your responsibility towards them." I HATE when people tell me that. It takes every ounce of self control to not roll my eyes.
I'm getting help. My husband has offered to do everything everyone has suggested: put them in a home, hire someone to come here, go part time at his job and stay home with me to help take care of them, and quit his job while I go out and find a job. But they don't sit right with me. I won't be able to face them if we ever did put them in a home. I don't want my husband to resent me in the long run. There's just too many things that won't sit right with me. But we are getting help. There is a distant relative that live near us that has offered help to us numerous times but I've refused because I don't want to impose on anyone's life to make my life a little easier.
Thank you all for your input. It's helped a lot to be able to just vent..and get some sympathy from people in the same position as my husband and I.
God bless you all!
It's about the technique, not about the experience of the therapist. If you say "this is insoluable" and the therapist says "no, it's not", you need to listen to what s/he is saying.
Many years ago, in the middle of a dreadful marriage, my ex's great aunt ruined a very expensive (to us) pot; it was black on the inside and she scrubbed it down to the silver. My ex was livid; somehow, it was all my fault. My therapist said "Barbara, it's a pot; you buy a new pot; it's NOT about the pot". I argued with her that she didn't "get" that it was expensive to us, probably not to her.
In restropect, it was NOT about the pot; it was about his great aunt's passive aggressive behavior and his personality disorder which allowed him to blame EVERYTHING on me. Was it about the pot? No! It was about the dynamics.
I also think that any counselor you see needs to also see your husband to let him know what this is doing to you. He needs to hire some respite care, if nothing else.
Some caregivers grow up, seeing previous generations care for elders at home, but times have changed, and you need to change with the times!
Your husband's parents have had a bad turn with their health, and why is that? Did they not take good care of their health in their younger years? I believe that you said your husband is an only child, maybe adopted, and it seems his Mom and Dad have put unrealistic expectations on both your lives! Let me ask you, where are your own parents? Do they feel left out of your life, because you are too busy, caring for his parents? Don't let resentments build!
Perhaps initially, when you first moved up to Alaska, the intent was that you all live together in some form of financial arrangement, but their health got in the way of them being active participants in the general upkeep of the family home, and their finding friends and enjoying their own lives, somewhat separate from yours.
But the time is NOW, you and your husband Must come together to realize that this situation is NOT GOING TO WORK OUT IN THE LONG TERM!
Hubby needs to get on board, go to Marriage counseling, and back you up, if you Ever want to go on, and have a happy and healthy married life together....ALONE!
Go to counselling together, Alone too, if that helps you. But begin your research on finding his parents Low income housing, disabled housing, or Nursing home care, if they are truly in such poor health.
Living separate does not mean that he is abandoning his folks, and once settled, they will begin to find their new normal, JUST AS YOU WILL!
Wouldn't it be great, if you could go to work, find new friends, and see your inlaws on your terms, Enjoying their company, taking them out for the afternoon, dinner, the movies, or just a short visit, to bring them treats?
Do you really think, you can care for a baby, and toddler, while ferrying around your inlaws to their Dr's appointments and treatment? No Sweetie, you won't be able to manage that! There simple is not enough hands, and then you will really Crack under the pressures!
Please do not shortchange your life! You deserve to be happy! Your inlaws once had those same opportunities, and I'll bet if you ask them, they will remember them with joy! You deserve that same Joy!
Time to put YOU and YOUR husband FIRST!
THEN FIND THE SOLUTION! YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS!
Heck Love, I need to listen to my own advice, so I know it's not easy! Try fast forwarding til they are in their late 80's, and you still haven't had a chance to live! I at least had that chance! Time to get busy!
"or B) Ask his family for help [but they all live in Utah. I can't ask other people to put their lives on hold for something that is essentially our responsibility]. " And from memory, didn't you also say that the extended family has already offered to help?
That sounds a lot like it is YOU who is preventing their moving back to Utah. Why are you?
Taking care of these two is beyond the capacity of just you and your husband while one of you needs to work full time. What is your problem with allowing the responsibility to pass to other members of their family?
A marriage is a partnership in which both parties care about the welfare and well being of the other. What part of the fact that you are burning out from this job doesn't he get?
What!? He's putting this all off on you!?
He needs to get real. The two of you need marriage counseling where you can address these issues and in particular healthy boundaries.
You say you wonder sometimes if you did the right thing getting married. I think that is a very appropriate question. At least, "Should I have gotten married and gotten myself into this position of caring for two very sick people in my own home?"
And I truly wonder if the kind of counselor you should see is a marriage counselor. Your husband has said that his relationship with his father is more important to him than your mental health or his relationship with you. Are you really OK with that?
His parents would die of a broken heart in a nursing home? Well, first of all they would not. After my mother's health failed to the point we could care for her in a private home we placed her in a nursing home. To our amazement, she thrived! She was content there, in spite of her dementia and mobility problems. Some people adjust more readily than others, but no one dies of a broken heart just because they need the level of care a professional care setting provides.
Your MIL's life revolved around her son before he got married? And she is a difficult person? Oh-oh. I think we are back to your question about whether this marriage should have taken place.
But it did take place. You are putting down roots. You are hoping to have children. Your husband is not a bad or lazy person. He tries to do his share. Presumably you love each other. So I sincerely hope this marriage survives and thrives and grows. I suspect some other arrangement must be made for the care of his parents.
I'm glad you are going to seek counseling. I agree with Barb that getting a good "fit" is most important, and if it doesn't help on the first match, try another counselor.
You can both work outside the home and earn enough to pay someone to take them to dialysis, and caregive at home.
Thinking maybe you wrote the truth the first time:
" I started taking care of them shortly after we were married so this is abnormal part of our marriage".
Did you know when you married him that you would be takinghim and them as a package?
My husband doesn't want to put them in a home. The only solution he has given me is to either A) quit his job and I go out and work while he stays home with his parents [I doubt I would be able to find a job that gives us the financial security we are accustomed to by now..] or B) Ask his family for help [but they all live in Utah. I can't ask other people to put their lives on hold for something that is essentially our responsibility].
So I feel trapped. My husband does A LOT. Not just things here and there, which he shouldn't anyway because they are his parents but it is just me and him.
It is time to sit down and have a talk with your husband. There is no shame in admitting that you can't do this. Not everyone can be a caregiver, and you are extraordinarily young to be doing this. There is nothing wrong with simply saying, "I can't do this" and seeking help for two very, very ill people who more than likely need more care than you can possibly provide.
There were times that I thought my parents, who were in their 90's, would out live me !!!
My mom is in a NH. She is in poor health but gets great enjoyment out of people watching, some of the activities, watching the news, reading the NY Times large pront edition and hearing about what her kids and grandkids are doing. It sounds like your inlaws are isolated, stuck at home with no social stimulation at all. I have to ask, do you think you're doing them a favor?
My grandma lived with us when I was a teenager. She was terribly, terrible lonely and would occasionally say tjat to my mom, who would get incensed. Those 10 years of watching grandma's lack of social life and mom's resentfulness ( not to mention the fact that my mom, with two other kids and granma, had little time or energy to pay attention to an adolescent daughter) convinced me that this idea of taking an elder into one's home at all costs was going to be a bridge too far for me.