I had a pretty bad breakdown today. It just seems like this caregiving thing is kicking my butt. I totally understand that they get worse but when I'm having a bad day I tend to forget that. Anyway, my husband and I finally agreed that it's probably best for me to see someone about this. Bless my poor husband's heart. He works almost all day, comes home and has to hear me complain about his parents and take care of them because I'm going crazy. I need counseling. My emotions get to me. I get worked up over small things. I need someone to talk to besides my husband. It's been 3 years since taking care of his parents and I can only complain to him about them for so long...trying to figure out who I should be seeing. A therapist? Psychologist? Counseling? HELP!
"or B) Ask his family for help [but they all live in Utah. I can't ask other people to put their lives on hold for something that is essentially our responsibility]. " And from memory, didn't you also say that the extended family has already offered to help?
That sounds a lot like it is YOU who is preventing their moving back to Utah. Why are you?
Taking care of these two is beyond the capacity of just you and your husband while one of you needs to work full time. What is your problem with allowing the responsibility to pass to other members of their family?
Some caregivers grow up, seeing previous generations care for elders at home, but times have changed, and you need to change with the times!
Your husband's parents have had a bad turn with their health, and why is that? Did they not take good care of their health in their younger years? I believe that you said your husband is an only child, maybe adopted, and it seems his Mom and Dad have put unrealistic expectations on both your lives! Let me ask you, where are your own parents? Do they feel left out of your life, because you are too busy, caring for his parents? Don't let resentments build!
Perhaps initially, when you first moved up to Alaska, the intent was that you all live together in some form of financial arrangement, but their health got in the way of them being active participants in the general upkeep of the family home, and their finding friends and enjoying their own lives, somewhat separate from yours.
But the time is NOW, you and your husband Must come together to realize that this situation is NOT GOING TO WORK OUT IN THE LONG TERM!
Hubby needs to get on board, go to Marriage counseling, and back you up, if you Ever want to go on, and have a happy and healthy married life together....ALONE!
Go to counselling together, Alone too, if that helps you. But begin your research on finding his parents Low income housing, disabled housing, or Nursing home care, if they are truly in such poor health.
Living separate does not mean that he is abandoning his folks, and once settled, they will begin to find their new normal, JUST AS YOU WILL!
Wouldn't it be great, if you could go to work, find new friends, and see your inlaws on your terms, Enjoying their company, taking them out for the afternoon, dinner, the movies, or just a short visit, to bring them treats?
Do you really think, you can care for a baby, and toddler, while ferrying around your inlaws to their Dr's appointments and treatment? No Sweetie, you won't be able to manage that! There simple is not enough hands, and then you will really Crack under the pressures!
Please do not shortchange your life! You deserve to be happy! Your inlaws once had those same opportunities, and I'll bet if you ask them, they will remember them with joy! You deserve that same Joy!
Time to put YOU and YOUR husband FIRST!
THEN FIND THE SOLUTION! YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS!
Heck Love, I need to listen to my own advice, so I know it's not easy! Try fast forwarding til they are in their late 80's, and you still haven't had a chance to live! I at least had that chance! Time to get busy!
I also think that any counselor you see needs to also see your husband to let him know what this is doing to you. He needs to hire some respite care, if nothing else.
It's about the technique, not about the experience of the therapist. If you say "this is insoluable" and the therapist says "no, it's not", you need to listen to what s/he is saying.
Many years ago, in the middle of a dreadful marriage, my ex's great aunt ruined a very expensive (to us) pot; it was black on the inside and she scrubbed it down to the silver. My ex was livid; somehow, it was all my fault. My therapist said "Barbara, it's a pot; you buy a new pot; it's NOT about the pot". I argued with her that she didn't "get" that it was expensive to us, probably not to her.
In restropect, it was NOT about the pot; it was about his great aunt's passive aggressive behavior and his personality disorder which allowed him to blame EVERYTHING on me. Was it about the pot? No! It was about the dynamics.
Talking to mature women at church won't really help because they'll tell me the same thing ALL older, Samoan women tell me: "These are your blessings. I know it's hard but you'll receive blah blah blah because you fulfilled your responsibility towards them." I HATE when people tell me that. It takes every ounce of self control to not roll my eyes.
I'm getting help. My husband has offered to do everything everyone has suggested: put them in a home, hire someone to come here, go part time at his job and stay home with me to help take care of them, and quit his job while I go out and find a job. But they don't sit right with me. I won't be able to face them if we ever did put them in a home. I don't want my husband to resent me in the long run. There's just too many things that won't sit right with me. But we are getting help. There is a distant relative that live near us that has offered help to us numerous times but I've refused because I don't want to impose on anyone's life to make my life a little easier.
Thank you all for your input. It's helped a lot to be able to just vent..and get some sympathy from people in the same position as my husband and I.
God bless you all!