Who is dealing with an unsupportive spouse while trying to care for your senior?

Yep, both my father and brother have died in the past 18 months. I am settling both estates and managing my mom. Significant other left in Oct, he bought a house in Aug with another woman and stayed here until settlement.....Actually my life is so much easier now....

Imho, you may not be able to endure all of this without professional counseling. I even used a psychiatrist for a short while after having had to live out of state with my late mother. I required medication short term. You are not expected to be a super human. Prayers sent.

Laeric, we need more information. By "unsupportive" do you mean emotionally and/or physically when it comes to helping?

My sig-other was physically there to help my parents, but was emotionally clueless about what I was going through as he wasn't at the receiving end of telephone calls of me trying to tell my Dad it is not a good idea to start driving again [because I wasn't able to take them somewhere], or my Mom being so darn stubborn on different situations. That alone was so exhausting.

What if the situation was different and it was hubby's Dad you were caring for. How do you think hubby would react? Would he roll up his sleeves and pitch in to help, or would he think you could manage two households? It sometimes depends on how he was raised. Spoiled by this mother as she did everything for him? And you should do the same?

Please talk to a counselor or social worker to find out if there are supportive services to help you. You don't say how much care your father requires, and what his wishes are. Does he want to be in an assisted living facility where he'll have more people his own age? Be sure that all of your paperwork is in order with your father. Do you have power of attorney for his medical and financial decisions? Does he have a will? Check with his bank and other financial institutions if they have their own POA forms, and be sure that you are on record with Medicare and Social Security so that you can speak with them on his behalf. You might also want to speak with a marriage counselor to get some insight about your marriage.

So sorry you are going through this and feel so alone. I am glad you have supportive friends and family. It might be time to lean into their support - and lots prayers - while you negotiate care for your father and sort out your marriage. If your husband can commit to staying in your relationship until you can negotiate care for your father, that would allow time to deal with one crisis relationship at a time. In reality, the crisis care for your father may reveal the underlying issues in your marriage in ways that are exceptionally clear.

Might I suggest that now is a good time to get some professional help.
1 - Start by securing legal help to get powers of attorney for medical and financial for your self on behalf of your father. Make sure your father has his will made out as well. Ask about trust funds or other financial devices to safeguard your father's finances for his care. Use your father's funds to pay for this.
2 - Make appointment with his usual medical doctor for evaluation on mental competency and physical issues. Since 75% of seniors aged 75+ years have some degree of Alzheimer's disease, it will probably be likely your father has a touch of this. Do not be surprised is his doctor makes recommendations for a geriatric neurologist to test for mental competency and geriatric psychiatrist if there is behavior issues or mental health issues. Ask for recommendations on disease progression and resources in your local area. Again, pay for this through your father's finances.
3 - Be prepared to do a lot of research over the next bit of time to secure whatever help your father needs. If he can not live alone, consider assisted living and full care residential facilities. The administrative staff have evaluation tools to help you decide which type of accommodation your father will need. I lean in the direction of others caring for your father since you appear to have limited support from others.
4 - Time to commit to counselling - at least for yourself. If your marriage relationship is rocky, you will do better with a trained, professional counsellor to look into your relationship issues. I can attest to the help that is available from faith-based communities that have professional counsellors. They can be compassionate to your plight while helping you address the problems - whether or not you decide to stay in your marriage. If your husband is willing to commit to counselling, he might be more amenable to male counsellor that you meet with together. If not, a female counsellor will be less threatening to your spouse.
5 - Make yourself #1 in care. You are going to have a lot of stress. You need to make sure your receive all the care you need to stay healthy physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Plan for 7-9 hours of sleep daily, 3 regular meals, time to care for your health, some time for exercise you enjoy, and time with those supportive family members and friends. Plan for some time with your spouse as well - doing things you enjoy together. If you have problems working this into your schedule, throttle back on commitments to others so you can maintain your health while meeting these challenges in your life.

I'd see an attorney to protect your finances to keep hubby from cleaning you out while you're occupied with Dad.

One huge life altering thing at a time.

Don't file for divorce or even contemplate it while you are dealing with a needy LO.

Point to make: this is YOUR relative, right? My DH wouldn't and doesn't have a single thing to say or do about my side of the family, as far as CH went, and goes. He has NEVER just 'dropped by' my mother's home and he never, ever would. I suppose if I needed him to move or lift something heavy, I might ask him, but even then, I cannot see a situation where he would opt to be involved at all. Any CH I do, I do because I choose to.

Flip side--he expects me to be front and center in his mother's care. I used to be, but it was too stressful and she was so very, very unkind to me, I stepped away and actually haven't seen her for almost a year. He is VERY unhappy with having to go see her alone, not using me as a buffer. BUT, he finally gets how hard it's been to carry on a façade of a relationship with her for all these years.

I've entertained passing thoughts about divorcing DH over the years. Actually went to see a lawyer once. At the first of this year I laid it out for DH that he had to get help for his chronic depression and needed to deal with his anger issues or I was leaving. And I meant it.

In total shock still--he is working on being a nicer guy. I still do very PT care for mom, but nothing for his mom. He has had some 'aha' moments and he is working through them. It's HARD to have a paradigm shift when the brain clutch is so rusty!

If you already KNOW he's not going to be supportive, then don't expect anything from him. Do what you need to do, care for mom as you want/need to and don't expect any help.

After dad has either passed or stabilized--then get some counseling about divorce. Divorce should never be entertained when anger is fresh and raw.

Good Luck. You aren't alone in this dynamic at all. Since DH and I split CG duties between our mothers and don't 'help' each other, we have been doing better.

Far from perfect, but much better. He doesn't even broach talking about what his mother needs, as it no longer pertains to me AT ALL.

Trouble in paradise long before dad had issues for you to deal with, so yes, you've had one major life event stewing on the back burner for years and now you've recently added a new pot to the stove. At least it is clear to you that one issue didn't create the other issue.

Since divorce has been on the table for years, but you haven't done it, figure out why you never did it. Was it financially better to stay with him? If yes, has anything changed that would make it easier to move on. Maybe hubby was never truly supportive in the marriage, but you managed without his support. Maybe it because you actually have been leading two separate lives within the marriage. We don't have the answers to those questions.

You might ask yourself, instead of your dad being sick, what if it was you? Would hubby finally come through and support your illness or would you, pretty much be on your own? This period of time in your life, may in fact, be your lightbulb moment. If you have a desire to save your marriage, then have a conversation with hubby about what you need from him and ASK what he needs from you. Can you agree to the needs of each other? Allow some time, if in agreement to save the marriage, to see if you BOTH work on it. It's very possible that divorce has been on the table for him as well, so be prepared for that answer.

The last thing you need while navigating caregiving for a parent is a brick tied to your foot while treading these waters. If that's hubby's norm, you're going to get even more annoyed with his behavior. Not worth it now and certainly won't be worth it if you have to be supportive of hubby in the future.

Take care of yourself first. Think about small steps for both situations. Do not even try to be your father's only care solution. In the best of situations it is really stressful to be a sole provider of care. Find others who can assist or see about residential care. Above all, get in touch with whatever senior affairs agency you have in your city or county. See an attorney who specializes in senior affairs if possible. There is so much involved in the initial steps of setting up care that you should try to schedule one thing a week and try not to stress over the delays. If the one week time frame is caused by a sudden physical incapability look into residential care or a paid caregiver. A lot of that depends on his financial situation. Do not become his financial support. Take your time and do not let others push you into something that you may not be able to live with later. Bear in mind that caring for an elder will always become more difficult and prepare for that as well as you can. You may be able to cope with your father's care or you may want to supervise others who will provide the in-person care. Only you can make that choice.

As for your relationship with your husband, much of the same should apply. You have been taking your time for a few years. What do you really want? Is your goal really achievable? What are you willing to do to get what you want? Try to honestly answer these questions.

Perhaps if divorce has been on the table for so long, you have actually made your decision but are avoiding the pain and stress of acting on it. Try to think of what you can do for yourself to get you through to a more peaceful place. Again, professional help would be good. I would see a divorce attorney and a good counselor to clarify both intentions and options. One big item is financial. Do you have the income to live alone?

Try looking for an apartment. When I started my divorce proceedings I got a tiny little apartment first, and began moving a few things into it. Then I told my then-husband that I was leaving. I should have talked to an attorney before I told my ex. That would have helped a lot. It did help to find a little place of my own before making my announcement. Having that little apartment on a 3-month lease gave me the assurance that I was caring for myself and that I would have a home for myself and my 2 sons. The rest flowed from there. It was not easy, but it was better than the marriage that preceded it.

I don't have too many facts available but if you have and have had a non-supportive spouse in the past, it will only get worse as you assume more responsibility. I assume you have tried to fix that problem without any results for the better. I personally see nothing but increasing problems and I would my affairs in order and proceed with the divorce and get it done and prepare it to have some hard times while it is happening. I don't know what is wrong with your father or where he currently is. Is he at home and can he have a caretaker and would that help - at least until things settle a bit? Or does he need to be placed so he is safe and you are not burdened and will eventually have more to handle than you already do. I do NOT recommend bringing seniors into one's home to be cared for (been there, done that). You people have NO idea in the world what you are getting yourself into and how negatively this can impact you and your life down the line - then it is often too late. Explore immediately how you can best look after your father but do NOT bring him into the home - there will be a major explosion. You need the advice of an eldercare/divorce attorney and possible counseling to help you make some decisions and give you some support.

I suggest you join a support group or church. You might even consider counseling. You need help right now. Caregiving is tough enough. Now trying to manage in an unhappy marriage and Caregiving will take a toll on your health. Get help now.
Call your local church or senior center for help. Talk a lot with friends who will just listen.

I did it. Was my mom’s caregiver for a year before she went into memory care, and that was the same year I initiated my divorce. My ex-husband had always been unsupportive but I guess it really hit home when I was going through so much and all he had for me was his usual demands and criticism and no help or emotional support at all. (One example is the day I got up, shoveled snow at our house, drove to my moms and shoveled her snow, and made sure she ate her breakfast and took her meds, then drove back home, got ready for work, and worked 8-10 hours. He was unemployed and sat on the couch the whole time.)
Also it clicked in my mind that it would always be like that, and if I ever am in the situation my mother was in I could not expect any level of caregiving from him, but he would feel entitled to caregiving from me just because he didn’t feel like taking care of himself. It made 2019 one of the roughest years of my life, but I don’t regret it at all because an unsupportive spouse is really just one more burden. And I knew that at least that aspect of my life would improve once it was over (and it did!).

I stayed in my marriage a long time with an unsupportive spouse. We all want things to "get better". BUT, that takes two. Sometime the other is not willing to work on it AND sometimes we don't see our own faults. Unless both work together it does not get "better". Which leaves you to decide the question "Am I willing to continue living with this situation?" There are challenges not staying as well. Are they doable for you?
I do know that you cannot help your father if you are in turmoil.

I am in the camp of obtaining lots of legal advice at this point in time, from both an elder care attorney and a divorce attorney. Depending on dad’s condition, maybe you will live with him for awhile with in-home caregivers’ help, which would also give you time to stabilize your finances.

I don't think you have a choice as you have to make decisions about the Caregiving as it is needed now.

If you have no Children, You might just move in with your Dad and take care of him and see if the heart grows fonder while apart.

Or, have your Father move in with you and your husband might file for the Divorce and you won't have to.

Well, the caregiving is very hard at the best of times and if husband is not helpful or is resentful, it will be worse. First of all, if it is early days with your father, please get his POA and will etc. taken care of before he is diagnosed with dementia.

My thoughts about marriage are that, if he is not supportive of you while caring for your father, how will he be in later years, in the event that you develop problems and need help? If you don't feel he will be helpful and supportive of you and if you don't feel that he would be the one you would turn to, then maybe better to divorce and deal with all stressors on your own, including your father. Then you want have the stress of dealing with him on top of your father's issued.

It seems you have a lot on your plate with the decision to take care of your dad and having an unsupportive husband is even harder. My heart goes out to you. My advice is to speak to an attorney and find out your rights and then let your heart make the decision of a marriage that seems to be in trouble before this. No one should have to be in this position for wanting to do the right thing for their father but there might be alternatives for him and then decide if you are better off with or without your husband. Been there done that but once things are clear you will feel better. Best of luck to you.

Are you hoping to caregive your father in your home? Clearly that will not work in a troubled marriage. Only you can make decisions regarding your marriage. And only you can decide your own limitations, married or not married, to caregive your father. I think you may have to allow your father to have caregiving in-facility while you work on your own life and getting settled. Doing these two life changes at the same time won't work. Yourself must be your priority. Only you can make these decisions and it sure isn't easy coming to any comfort zone. Not everything has a "good answer".

That's a decision only you can make. I will tell you that if your spouse is unsupportive now, it will NOT get better as the caregiving demands grow.

Whatever you decide, make sure you have made preparations for your OWN future, whether it be with your spouse or alone. Contact a divorce and an elder attorney to make sure you have all your ducks in a row, from the caregiving side and the personal side.
Good luck!

When you say unsupportive, do you mean that he won't help with your parent, or do you mean that he complains that you aren't "doing" for him because you are doing for your dad all the time?

The question of "what do we owe our parents?" comes up here a lot. It is easy while in the midst of an "emergency" to throw yourself into caregiving completely and to the exclusion of all else in life. That isn't healthy.

What sort of help does your dad need? What are HIS resources in getting those needs met? What sort of support can dad get from caregivers coming into his home, or in a facility?