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Mom with stage four copd, passive aggressive and needy. Hubby is surly and demanding. Autistic son needs to move back in, but have no room for him. I have non-life-threatening but chronic health issues I need to deal with but don't have time. What do I do?

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Your health is failing because there is WAY too much stress. Get mom to Assisted Living where she can play with people her own age. Tell kids that little birds leave the nest at 21, so make them plan ahead or plan on paying pops one third of their paycheck for board. Roll up your hero cape and put it away.
When your health fails, you have taken on too much.
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Priorities:
1) Your own health. First, because you are a good person and deserve this. And then because you can't do anything else for anybody if you don't deal with this.
2) Your marriage. Is it worth saving? If it is, it is worth A LOT of effort.
3) Your children. There comes a point where they should be independent and rely on you only for some emotional support. It looks like one of yours isn't quite there yet. Your job should be to get him there, as far as he can go, and then help him get additional support if he still needs it, like a sheltered living community. It would be doing him no favors if you let him slip back into a totally dependent role.
4) Your mother. The relationship you describe does not sound healthy. And it sounds like it might be interfering with the higher priorities in your life. Yes, you've made a number of mistakes with her so far. Focus on correcting those and helping her into a place she will be happier and you will have less responsibility for her.
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amicable, what a mess to be in. I can tell from the things that you are doing that you have been feeling a lot of despair. There does seem to be only two things you can do -- move your mother into a care facility OR change the dynamics of the family where you live now. Everyone would have to be willing to work on the second option. Your mother would have to learn to look to others for companionship. Your husband would have to come back in the fold. And you would have to get your ducks lined up and headed in the same direction. As I was reading what you wrote, I wondered how much the problem was with your mother and how much was in the way you were reacting to her. It is hard when you live together. You have to set up distinct boundaries so you can have time to yourself, time for your husband, and time for your children. If your mother is taking up too much time, it is up to you to set the boundaries. You have the right to do that.

One thing I wonder is if your mother moves out and son1 moves back home if there would be the same dynamic, but with a different person. It may be a good time to stop and ask yourself how you could make it better on yourself. You can't change the people around you, but you can make changes in yourself and set up strong interpersonal boundaries. Perhaps talking to a counselor about your own depression would help, do you think? Please let us know how it is going for you. Sometimes when things won't straighten out for us, we have to make changes so that they do. Much luck!
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Amicable, thanks for the update. Oh my gosh, you have a lot on that plate, and it looks like a really big plate.

I know it is difficult to place boundaries, and it will take time. Keep looking for a good counselor, eventually you will find one that clicks with you.

As you already know, Mom needs to be around people of her own age group. Wouldn't it be great if she found some new best friends to help fill up her time, either at a Senior Center [if there is one close by] and afterwards gab on the phone. Otherwise, your Mom wants you to be Julie McCoy, cruise director.

Does Mom have enough in assets to live in assisted living? Wouldn't she love to have her own place to control? Of course, many elders in her age group have a stereotypical idea of such places, being dark and dank with unsmiling faces. You think you would get her to just visit and get a free lunch there? You could use the free lunch as a ploy. Make it a game going to all the retirement complexes in your area. Mom might surprise you and actually like one.... or not.
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Somebody has to go. Mom, husband, kid. Pick one. You can not be the only one in your family responsible for everthing that gets done. Get mom in assited living. Do not spend your money, make her spend hers and when that runs out she applies for medicaid. Hubby didn't like the trip you planned, tell him to take one by himself. I hope I'm not misjudging the situation but you are being treated like a doormat. Stand up for yourself before you're reduced. Maybe this sounds harsh but go back and read this thread. Something has to happen soon.
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Just an opinion here but the only real answer is you have to be willing to let other people suffer. This is something those of us with a self concept of being a "good person" have a very hard time with. Your continued sacrifices support the wellbeing of this whole family but at what point do you get to just be a human being rather than a superhero? And how long will those around you let you save them - as long as you can but that may be long after the point of being able to save yourself.
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Thanks Mag! Wow are you right on target. My really good therapist I had was male, and the one I just had the poor trial with was a female newbie. I'm trying to get the meds, but having to go throught the VA. The first challenge is getting the appointment...the second is being on guinea-pig repeat until we find something that clicks...it takes forever and is frustrating But I think something has clicked, and I'm about to go on a 8 day respite to recharge my batteries...perhaps my attitude will be better when I get back (after I address all the complaints of the things that went wrong while I was gone with the simple cheery "well, what's done is done: I'm back now!") Curtain hit the nail on the head with having to develop the ability to let other people suffer a little. They'll live, and if they don't, it's not because of my actions, it's because of theirs....it's not that I don't care, it's just that I need to go find something of myself that still has the energy to give.
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Thanks Pam and Jeanne…you all give great advice, which I read with interest often. I do respect your opinions. I would LOVE to move mom into assisted living, but she can't afford it and doesn't qualify for medicaid because she was too bullheaded to listen to the atty's advice about her finances. My dad used money to control her…after they divorced, she never remarried but remains very bitter even tho it was 40 years ago, and she is adamant about not giving up control of her limited assets. My son is very smart, but has the emotional development of a 13 year old…I don't really know how to go about finding a place for him. He has 2 more years of college benefits from the VA, and I'd like him to finish his bachelors, but he has no idea what he wants to do, and not a lot in the way of marketable skills. I'm hoping a degree would at least help him find employment to support himself with. He's very sweet, but so ADD that a bomb could go off while he's on the computer and he wouldn't hear or notice, so even keeping him around to help with Mom is not an option. He is very naive and very limited in his range of interests. He was doing better with regular therapy, but we lost his health insurance and FL medicaid offers no help for autism services. His dad is next to useless when it comes to trying to make him do anything, even his college homework. I am actively seeking help for my depression…been down this road and got better before, I'm sure I can do it again. My marriage is worth saving, I think...my husband has sacrificed so much to help care for my mom and he's very good about not taking sides. It's a weird mix. He's basically a very good man, very hardworking and responsible, but he is not at all compassionate or empathetic. I know my head's not in the right place right now…I'm irritable and angry and drained. I don't even know how to approach my mom about suggesting that she live elsewhere. She will panic and cry, plead and create all sorts of drama. I've done everything I could to try to encourage her to use senior services that wouldn't cost her anything, but that would involve taking some responsibility for her own care, which she absolutely will not do. She "doesn't want to bother anyone" - "I can manage just fine" - When she wants something although she says "I hate to bother you" but she'll take forever in the store looking around and all I can think about is how I'm going to manage to get dinner made and finally put my foot down. I know it's hard for her not being able to drive or go anywhere without a big oxygen bottle, but I'm not the one who made her smoke for 60 years or neglect her emotional and physical health, but now I feel like I'm just stuck with all her bad choices. It could be different, she could have been disabled through no fault of her own…and I would be in the same boat probably. I hate that I sound so whiny…I was just looking forward to having some time to pursue my own interests and I feel like I'm stuck in a s*** sandwich of my own making.
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As the mother of a son with lower functioning autism, I can understand the real need for you to help and support Kid1 to greater independence. You are the only person in the world who can do that for him. Your mother on the other hand, can probably survive somewhere else such as a personal care home or assisted living and may even grow to like it in time. I was faced with the situation of taking care of my elderly father and my son in the same house and things came to a boiling point for me. I had to reason with my father that I could not be everything to everybody and he was willing to start using up his savings to go to an assisted living place. I still do a lot for my father (finances, doctor visits, medication, etc.) but somehow I am able to balance things better now that he is living elsewhere. I came to the realization that my son comes first since his needs are the harder to get outside help with. I also realized that I love my son the most of any other person in the world and it is he that I most wanted to be there for. I think it is very important to let everyone in your family know what you are able to do for them and what you are not. You need to let your mom know that you are no longer able to care for her in your home given your responsibility to your son. You need to let her know what you are willing to do for her to help her find a new place to live and how you will give her support when she moves there. It was very hard for us at first but now that my father has been living in his place for a year, things are better for everyone. My husband also retired while my dad was living with us and that was a new dynamic as well. My husband enjoys quiet time to explore mathematics and physics and my dad always wanted the TV on. I had the responsibility to my husband to let him enjoy his time at home after so many years of working hard. My dad was just odd man out and had to stop living in our home, but he still receives a lot of support from us. It is not all or nothing.
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Get back in school, that way you're out of house and concentrating on yourself rather than home issues, insist because you're so busy mom gets a nurse or moves to AL because you have to do school. Let kid 1 crash on couch for a bit. I also have high functioning autistic kid getting out of community college going to 4 year. Give him more credit, if he can go through school (and it's tougher than people realize) he can and will be able to get a job when he's done and live independently, but you're absolutly right in he will need YOUR push and not an enabler yet loving dad. When he comes home and it's crowded and you're unavailable for mom due to kid 1 and school possibly moving out will look pretty good to mom. Don't bend to her whims, do your thing and explain you're too busy to hang out or even talk...because you will spend all other time with hubby. I caregive my sister in law who lives with us and is dying due to cirrosis because of alcoholism among many many other health issues...although its not my mom, it's harder to deal with a person who's sick due to their own choices. Tough love, make it so you simply don't have the time for her...she starts talking...sorry mom, gotta go because homework or son or hubby. Make no time for her. My mom lives with us forever and several years ago she began to intrude on my relationship and I had to freeze her out. Very hard to do, but it worked. She no longer does that and currently is a great help with my SIL. Do bare minimum for her and don't be her only means of emotional support. Yes, counseling is great, and do that too if you can. Sometimes though, they will say just to do things for your own mental health which is not practical. Sure you can just place mom in AL sure son is overage and should fend for himself.....but is that even something you can live with? Sometimes as parents and as daughters we make sacrifices that may not be HEALTHY for us, but what we can live with. Like another poster said, BOUNDERIES.
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